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Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life?
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TOPIC: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 8561 Views

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 17 Feb 2021 20:18 #363605

  • wilnevergiveup
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Okay, thank you guys for all the responses, some were better than others.

Thank G-d she got over it. I was not posting this for advice rather to bring out what women actually think about our behavior.

Here is what I told her in order to explain why she actually is the prettiest in the world.
  1. She is the pretties of those that are available. Even if she is not as pretty as some underwear model (I didn't actually say that), they are not available.
  2. My world is the world that I live in, the people that I see and the people that live around me. In my world, she is actually the prettiest and its irrelevant whether there are prettier woman in existence because they aren't in my world. She is the prettiest in my world.
  3. It is a proven fact that when you love someone and you grow in a relationship with them, their appearance actually changes and becomes more pleasant (beauty is in the eyes of the beholder). You have a significant advantage over everyone else because I love you so much and you do so much for me. Even if they were prettier, you've far surpassed them because of how much I love you and no one else in the world has this opportunity.

One more thing that helped was that I am 70 days clean and I asked her if she thinks I would be 70 days clean if I actually liked anyone else more than her.

@Starting, thanks for your advice, I am not sure how this would work. I tried something similar, comparing it to food and she totally didn't get it but it could be that food was a bad example. I hear using examples of a nice scenery. Like the Poconos are really beautiful and the Alps are even more stunning but that doesn't make the Poconos any less beautiful.

@willdoit I asked her what she likes about me. she answered, right now? Nothing.

I just hope guys get the message.

All the best, 
Wilnevergiveup
Check out My thread  and The Truth

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
Last Edit: 18 Feb 2021 05:30 by wilnevergiveup.

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 17 Feb 2021 20:38 #363607

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wilnevergiveup wrote on 17 Feb 2021 20:18:

@Starting, thanks for your advice, I am not sure how this would work. I tried something similar, comparing it to food and she totally didn't get it but it could be that food was a bad example. I hear using examples of a nice scenery. Like the Poconos are really beautiful and the Alps are even more stunning but that doesn't make the Poconos any less beautiful.

I am saying the opposite 

You're wife has to feel she is the alps in your eyes. 

And having access to the alps does not take away from wanting to see the poconos. 

So she is number 1 in every way and has to know it. 
Then it's easier to accept that there are other pleasures, albeit smaller pleasures which may take work to refrain from indulgence.
And having the the most beautiful woman married to you will not stop you from enjoying the 'view' of other women BUT it is definitely totally incomparable and certainly not even bordering competition, just an extra pleasure which one naturally wants. 
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 18 Feb 2021 01:48 #363627

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wilnevergiveup wrote on 17 Feb 2021 20:18:
Okay, thank you guys for all the responses, some were better than others.

Thank G-d she got over it. I was not posting this for advice rather to bring out what women actually think about our behavior.

Here is what I told her in order to explain why she actually is the prettiest in the world.
  1. She is the pretties of those that are available. Even if she is not as pretty as some underwear model (I didn't actually say that), they are not available.
  2. My world is the world that I live in, the people that I see and the people that live around me. In my world, she is actually the prettiest and its irrelevant whether there are prettier woman in existence because they aren't in my world. She is the prettiest in my world.
  3. It is a proven fact that when you love someone and you grow in a relationship with them, their appearance actually changes and becomes more pleasant (beauty is in the eyes of the beholder). You have a significant advantage over everyone else because I love you so much and you do so much for me. Even if they were prettier, you've far surpassed them because of how much I love you and no one else in the world has this opportunity.

One more thing that helped was that I am 70 days clean and I told asked her if she thinks I would be 70 days clean if I actually liked anyone else more than her.

@Starting, thanks for your advice, I am not sure how this would work. I tried something similar, comparing it to food and she totally didn't get it but it could be that food was a bad example. I hear using examples of a nice scenery. Like the Poconos are really beautiful and the Alps are even more stunning but that doesn't make the Poconos any less beautiful.

@willdoit I asked her what she likes about me. she answered, right now? Nothing.

I just hope guys get the message.

All the best, 
Wilnevergiveup

sh*t! she said "nothing!"? OMG! But kudos to you for that conversation. I'm proud of you; i know that means little, but I'm sure others here and your wife especially are. Wow!
I'm all about that (substantial) bass, no trouble ....

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 19 Feb 2021 07:12 #363752

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Dov wrote on 20 Feb 2017 17:02:
I think Shlomo24 said it all when he wrote that change requires change.
And Shteeble said the truth when he wrote that if it's important to you then spend time on it.
And I agree w Tiger who wrote that opening up to a safe person who understands is the way to go.

All that stuff says to me that if I look at how I conduct myself during the years of acting out, I will learn how to do things right...by basically doing the opposite. Isolation is king when I act out. Heck, even when I'm not acting out, the worse I feel the more I tend to isolate. If I am lusting or angry or sad, boy do I make myself lonelier by trachten un trachten, etc. and 'figuring it all out'...cuz after all, nobody can really understand me, right?

So if I wanna get right, then I need to do the opposite and start learning how to make friends, how to share myself without cleaning off all my dirt first, and to practice doing those things. Thinking about them will not help me. Thinking is a great part of my problem itself because it increases my fantasy of self-reliance and 'salvation through havonah' - and those things lead to one thing: more masturbation (in private, of course). 

And I have learned that fake named friends are not really real friends. So what you really need ain't happening here staying on any forum. But it's a sweet intro.

And I have learned that self-honesty is the fruit of being honest with others. Kind of like na'aseh venishma works...counter-intuitive. The silly brain tells me that I need to first be fully self-honest so that I will know just what to say to others...and that's a lie.

So, continued hatzlocha you are on the path with us knuckleheads!  

I am posting this here so that I can find it later. This post is probably the most powerful and to the point post I've read so far on GYE.

Powerful stuff.
Check out My thread  and The Truth

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
Last Edit: 19 Feb 2021 07:13 by wilnevergiveup.

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 07 Mar 2021 07:09 #364869

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Looks like the big 90 is coming up soon

Mazel Tov!

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 08 Mar 2021 20:56 #365008

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On the cusp of 90 again, feels regular, may be a good sign, or not. 

Here is what I came up with. Overall, things are under control but when things in life go downhill, I really got to hold on tight. I learned that I need to keep myself productive, have goals and work towards achieving them in order to stand a fighting chance. Another thing that I learned that I am really working on is to grow in my real live relationships and share and connect more with family and friends. 

I am beginning to think that this thing (don't know what else to call it) is here for the long haul. I may be jumping the gun but it seems that I am going to be here a while. No magic pills or button to press, just some hard work and planning for the rest of my life. Kinda like with most areas of life I guess, when you stop working on them, they just become issues again.

So, I just wanted to share something that I thought about. I used to think I wanted girls for connection, to love and be loved blah blah blah. Now I have a wonderful wife and a beautiful family and when things are good I wouldn't dream of it any other way but when things are downhill, I wish I was with every other woman.

Ain't that strange?

Well, can't be the connection thing can it?

So here is what I came up with (no chidushim just chazara) it starts with the yearning for connection, but the lusting ain't to fill the connection, rather to numb the pain of not filling it with real connections (or some other void). The lusting is always just numbing something up. I learned that when I start lusting, it's time to figure out how to fill that hole with something right.

Haven't figured out how to actually do that every time, but at least I figured that out.

A this point, I am wondering if there is more I should be doing. I still find myself lusting, although not nearly as much, I would love to be finished for once and for all living this messed up life of thinking about other woman all the time. 

I haven't acted out in a while, and another while before that so that's awesome, but I am still not all that happy with my current state of things. 

Does time heal with this sickness, or does it fester? 
Check out My thread  and The Truth

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 09 Mar 2021 06:47 #365072

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wilnevergiveup wrote on 08 Mar 2021 20:56:

I am beginning to think that this thing (don't know what else to call it) is here for the long haul. I may be jumping the gun but it seems that I am going to be here a while. No magic pills or button to press, just some hard work and planning for the rest of my life. Kinda like with most areas of life I guess, when you stop working on them, they just become issues again.

Sure hope you're here for the long run. Not in a bad way, more like HHM a and DavidT. Totally to give us your much needed chizzuk
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 09 Mar 2021 07:02 #365076

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Congratulations on 90 days!
you should go from strength to strength!

I can say for myself...its most probably always gonna be a life time struggle but eventually (I hope) it will be a back burner struggle and not be face to face with it very often.

One who has given up hope is without a G‑d.

One who sees hope in each day is already free

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 09 Mar 2021 08:09 #365078

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Wow I’m so happy for you mazal tov on reaching 90 days חזק ואמץ

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 09 Mar 2021 12:05 #365081

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Mazel tov and thank you for your intelligent and thoughtful posts. You have been a great source of chizuk for me and I am sure for many others too.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 09 Mar 2021 14:26 #365094

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Mazel tov! May hashem grant you harchuvas hadaas and help you stay clean! 
I btw relate alot to your point about numbing, and being an escape to fill that hole. 
wishing you all the best!
Last Edit: 09 Mar 2021 14:26 by Sapy.

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 09 Mar 2021 14:34 #365095

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Mazal tov! 90 days! Yes it's just a number. The fight is here forever, but we change slowly making it easier - if we continue taking the necessary precautions. As a whole, I don't struggle as intensely on a regular day as before (unless there are unusual circumstances...) but the moment I let my mind wander or my eyes follow something for too long, BOOM - back to square one almost.

Im still the same guy who needed/needs GYE, but I have more tools and understanding at my disposal now because of it.

We are in it for the long haul. Hatzlacha my friend! 

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 09 Mar 2021 16:41 #365106

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Mazal Tov on the big 90!
Think about how good you'll feel if you say no to desire and compare that to how bad you'll feel if you say yes.

Desire is unique in the way that it is never fulfilled -  if you give in the desire comes back even more powerful in just a few days. Telling yourself that its ok because this is really the last time doesn't work because you are just adding new images to your head that will cause future falls.

The Joy of triumph over the yetzer hara is worth the effort it takes to win. It IS worth it! Keep fighting!


My thread: 
Aiming to be better

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 10 Mar 2021 06:31 #365167

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starting wrote on 17 Feb 2021 20:38:



........ Like the Poconos are really beautiful and the Alps are even more stunning but that doesn't make the Poconos any less beautiful.

...I am saying the opposite ....You're wife has to feel she is the alps in your eyes.....And having access to the alps does not take away from wanting to see the poconos.....So she is number 1 in every way and has to know it....Then it's easier to accept that there are other pleasures....


Sorry guys, but I am mamash not chapping what you are talking about. What we must constantly say to our wives (and eventually feel as well) is that she is the ONLY one.

I have a joke with my wife where I ask her what the 4 faces on "my Mount Rushmore" are. And of course the answer is...

4 faces of her

I may not completely be holding there yet, but any conversation which simply puts her "on a pedestal" vis-a-vis other women is antithetical to (or, at the very least, deficient regarding) everything we know about the exclusivity of the heilige union known as marriage

רב גידל הוה רגיל דהוה אזיל ויתיב בשערי טבילה וא"ל הכי טבולו והכי טבולו. א"ל רבנן, לא
מסתפי מר מיצה"ר, א"ל דמיין באפאי כי קאקי חיורי

ברכות דף כ.


Mazel Tov on 90!
WNGU, you are seriously from the great inspirations on GYE.

Rejoicing in Grodno ~ IMG

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 10 Mar 2021 12:07 #365173

  • wilnevergiveup
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Ish MiGrodno wrote on 10 Mar 2021 06:31:

starting wrote on 17 Feb 2021 20:38:



........ Like the Poconos are really beautiful and the Alps are even more stunning but that doesn't make the Poconos any less beautiful.

...I am saying the opposite ....You're wife has to feel she is the alps in your eyes.....And having access to the alps does not take away from wanting to see the poconos.....So she is number 1 in every way and has to know it....Then it's easier to accept that there are other pleasures....


Sorry guys, but I am mamash not chapping what you are talking about. What we must constantly say to our wives (and eventually feel as well) is that she is the ONLY one.

I have a joke with my wife where I ask her what the 4 faces on "my Mount Rushmore" are. And of course the answer is...

4 faces of her


Works until you get busted...

She doesn't get it, if she is the only one in the world, why the heck do I need GYE, If I need GYE, how can I possibly love her... 

There is no good answer, but don't bother trying to explain it either, she just won't get it and it will cause her much unnecessary pain.
Check out My thread  and The Truth

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
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