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I'm back, and just want to be CLEAN
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TOPIC: I'm back, and just want to be CLEAN 1697 Views

Re: I'm back, and just want to be CLEAN 21 Jan 2019 21:08 #338573

  • Shmiras_3.0
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ok, so today i had a crazy day. Litteraly running from one meeting to another. With the outcome of each one capable of seriously ruining my day (life).

Baruch hashem, not only did i have a chance to daven shachris like a person, but a minyan even appeared right in time, and my shomeh esrei was nothing less than נעילה on yom kippur (so how about that for hashem rewarding me for sobriety!)

As far as stepwork - i didn't do any today (stupid on my part)

As far as working the program, i did a good deal of that (phonecall to partner, prayer, using step 1 all morning)

As far as sobriety, "i am going out of my mind!!!!   news is BORING, and i am very strong at this point not to abuse my filter or even go onto FRUM clothing websites).      I find it astounding to see how well masturbation and porn kept me occupied in the past. wow         it's like one of those illumanti conspiracys, to dumb down the masses and enslave them to something stupid (lust).

As far as recover - yup.       I wish i has someone to SHARE this free time with, and not have to waste it all, in the endless cycle of worries-boredome-DISTRACTIONS          to be openly-honest, i am deffinitely going through a VERY stressful and even SCARY period in life, many if not MOST people would have given-up or had a nervous breakdown by now.


thank you all for commenting and reading this thread. It gives me the chizuk to stay clean at this point. As far as my willpower is concerned at this stage...  lust is truly optional. I personally opt WITH IT, and in deference to GYE and the SA community i respectfuly stay clean.  (i sound like a חילוני who explains his refraining from matza as מכבד מסורת.  You idiot!! Your neshama is screaming it's head off!  chometz on pesach חייב כרת!!! and you are totally deaf and numb to it all.     also my neshama wan't "out" of this habbit, and it's a fair request when you keep in mind that i have the capability for both sobriety and recovery.  poor neshama of mine, suffering in vein

Re: I'm back, and just want to be CLEAN 24 Jan 2019 01:27 #338634

  • Shmiras_3.0
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Sorry GYE.



i wrote this post 4 hours after when i should have gone to bed, and 3 hours after when it is already "late" for me.



I am aimlessly surfing the little bit of kosher filtered web that i can, and then i got that familiar urge to use a loophole in the filter.  I went to the website, and my conscious started acting up.   "but i don't want to be נגוע בפגעי התכנלוגיה?!"     "but i want to be CLEAN and not just sober "by program definition"?"         "but hashem saved my butt today, obviously because of the 'GYE change' in my life... why do this??. Hashem will just bring another round of suffering because of it!!"



with all these thoughts, i had very LAME EXCUSES "just to look at the interesting pics" and not the porn.     I entered the username, i entered the code...    and noticed that although i don't have the willpower to do שב ולא תעשה on the other had i willpower to "overdo" it.  so i added a few characters to the password and only afterwards pressed ENTER. the site didn't open, and the craze passed.  with a big smile on my face i closed the browser.



The satisfaction of the site not opening!   The satisfaction of feeling the pleasure of PASSING THE CRAZE!!    The pleasure of closing the incognito browser with my hands still clean, with my pants still closed, with my חלק בעולם הבא...          



why did this happen.    I currently have TOO MUCH FREE TIME ON MY HANDS, and i'm TIRED and also HUNGRY. did i forget to mention LONELY       HaLT. 3 out of 4

Re: I'm back, and just want to be CLEAN 27 Jan 2019 20:21 #338684

  • Shmiras_3.0
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being clean has it's benefits.

Just think of all the conservation involved in sexual sobriety?!
  • No more masturbation means shorter showers...
  • Less shampoo wasted...
  • less toilets flushed...
  • countless packs of tissues saved annually (the only reason i had tissues in my bedroom was for this)
  • less laundry...
  • less surfing the web means alot of the energy consumption, and better battery life on mobile devices...
  • no more promiscuous whatsapp groups 
  • worldwide internet servers less bogged down!
  • no need to purchase Bitcoin, with no more ransomware getting accidentally downloaded..
  • ..... at this rate, every tree-loving environmentalist should be "breaking free"




after a short מלתא דבדיחותא, what i need to be keeping my focus on is regularly doing the stepwork!!!! (with a pen and paper)

today i had a ripe opportunity to start getting my feelings on paper. And interestingly enough, the only page i had on-hand, was from last weeks stepwork.   So after filling in a very long "thank you hashem...." list, i took a peek at what was keeping me on-edge last week. 

It was astounding to see that i was dealing with LIFE-ALTERING issues, truley worrisome and GRAVE events.... that HASHEM DEALT WITH for me, and RESOLVED really well.

No, the credit doesn't go to me in any way. So what if Hashem is doing HIS JOB, what about me? over this last week did i do MY STEPWORK?    DID I DO ANY STEPWORK THESE LAST 4 DAYS?!   Sadly not.           להבדיל אלף אלפי הבדלות when we "recently" went 3 short days without "water" in pashas וישלח, our bitter "fall" (pun intended) made it into all the history books. להבדיל if i am going multiple days without any stepwork!!!! that's stupid!!  that's dangerous?!?!

From my past experience in SA,GYE, and LIFE (no it's not an addiction related therapy), the 12 step program has the potential to effectively keep ME clean for years on end!     if i just do the stepwork (instead of preaching it to others... as i used to do), i will be forever free of internet porn!    so that is why i put such a strong emphasis on this for me.     Frankly, just working these steps, and sharing it a little with others, has the potential to keep me clean for the rest of my life!          so oy-vey, if i don't do them
Last Edit: 27 Jan 2019 21:47 by Shmiras_3.0. Reason: typo

Re: I'm back, and just want to be CLEAN 31 Jan 2019 21:24 #338760

  • Shmiras_3.0
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i slipped and then fell.

Why?       too much stess-fear-worries-disappointment...  all building up steam inside me. In retrospect (because after losing a decent clean streak everyone tends to philosophize...) i feel that i have been ignoring too many emotions, and distracting myself from them for TOO LONG.


i need to "clean house", and NOW.

bye, signing out- and going to do a half hour of stepwork
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