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Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim
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TOPIC: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 4721 Views

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 15 Jan 2020 01:17 #346709

  • Dave M
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B'H I have recently passed the one year clean mark.  I cannot believe I am writing these words.  After struggling with MZ"L and Shmiras Einayim since my teenage years, I finally began to see success in this battle, when I joined GYE 2 1/2 years ago.  In the beginning, I was able to stay clean for a few weeks at a time.  Occasionally, even longer.  The longest I went was 2 months.   About a year ago, I had a fall and was feeling down.  To pick myself up, I reviewed my history of clean days and falls and noted that I had fallen only 15 or so times in the last years.  I was feeling pretty good about myself.  In way that gave me a sense of false security.  15 minutes later, I was again hit with a lust attack and had my "worst" fall.  I had never viewed content like this before.  I had a crossed a red line I set for myself.  That day I sat on the floor and cried.  I felt there was no hope for me and I would never get out of this mess.  

Up until this point, I had not interacted with any of the other GYE members.  My GYE participation was only though the daily chizuk emails and the various articles.  I knew I had to go outside my comfort zone and start opening up to other members and be active on the forum.  That day I wrote my first post.  Even though this forum is anonymous, It was terrifying putting my issues "out there".  I was pleasantly surprised when I few people responded.  One member even PM me (Thanks HHM!) Just knowing that there were people out there who actually cared, showed me that I'm not alone in this battle.

Given the extra momentum and energy that came from interacting on the forum, I had a relatively easy first couple of months staying clean.  At around day 75, I was hit with such a strong lust attack.  I knew I was going to fall.  In my head I had already determined how I was going to "act out".  Before I did, I PM someone and went for walk to clear my head.  By some miracle, I was able to resist until the lust subsided.

This journey has had a lot of ups and downs.  Just as a General during war time needs to constantly be evaluating the enemies' strategies and fine tuning his own when necessary, our battles are no different.  Yes, I can say i was clean from porn and masturbation for 1 year.  But can I honestly say I was totally clean from lust related behavior?  Every couple of months I would have a slip.  Every time this happened, I had to take an honest look within, and acknowledge that something needed to change.  What led to this slip?  And what do I need to do to prevent something like this from happening in the future.  Along the way, I've reduced the amount of times I spent looking at secular news and have obtained from watching movies/tv shows. 

Thank you to the GYE chevra for the support and chizuk you have provided.  Just reading the other members' post about their struggles and triumphs has helped me in my own journey.

May Hashem continue to provide this wonderful organization with the needed resources and siyata dishmaya to continue saving thousands of precious lives.
Last Edit: 17 Jan 2020 00:01 by Dave M.

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 15 Jan 2020 03:59 #346718

  • Hashem Help Me
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Inspirational post! Honest yet positive. Keep it up b'ezras Hashem. One can only imagine the Simcha this one year anniversary is causing in shomayim!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 03 Feb 2020 15:49 #347104

  • Dave M
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Doing well B'H.  But I know today, shemiras einayim will be more challenging as I've noticed that some of my coworkers are not dress appropriately.  I need to be extra careful today to avoid placing myself in a triggering situation.  I'm posting here to create more accountability.  I'll post again tonight.
Last Edit: 03 Feb 2020 15:50 by Dave M.

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 03 Feb 2020 16:31 #347108

  • DavidT
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Dave M wrote on 03 Feb 2020 15:49:
Doing well B'H.  But I know today, shemiras einayim will be more challenging as I've noticed that some of my coworkers are not dress appropriately.  I need to be extra careful today to avoid placing myself in a triggering situation.  I'm posting here to create more accountability.  I'll post again tonight.

Dave, thanks so much for this post! 
We are waiting to hear how your day went so we can learn from you and grow together!
Keep strong pal!!
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 04 Feb 2020 01:02 #347127

  • Dave M
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Just checking back in.  B'H I was able to get through the day without looking at places that I shouldn't.  I had moments of temptations, but was able to over power them.

Thank you DavidT for your post.  It provided much needed chizuk today. 

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 06 Feb 2020 13:56 #347188

  • Dave M
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Yesterday was a real battle.  Unfortunately, my level of shmiras einayim was not where they should be.  Part of what makes this battle frustrating, is when I "win" a fight, I don't feel any gratification or euphoria.  If I "lose", the feeling is horrible and I feel like dirt.  It's not an equal balance.  Yes, I know, much have been written about this, how the Y'H doesn't want us to feel good when we win and  to feel in the dump when we fall, in order that we should give up.  But knowing this on an intellectual level doesn't make it easier.

In any case, from past experience, I know that I just need to ride this stretch out.  If I stay strong and keep fighting, this too shall pass. 

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 06 Feb 2020 14:11 #347190

Dave M wrote on 06 Feb 2020 13:56:
Part of what makes this battle frustrating, is when I "win" a fight, I don't feel any gratification or euphoria.  If I "lose", the feeling is horrible and I feel like dirt.  It's not an equal balance. 

I also experience that as such a challenge. I'm right there with you.

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 07 Feb 2020 12:48 #347223

  • Dave M
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Yesterday was a better day.  Have some moments of urges, but I was able to ignore them.  Looking forward to Shabbos. 

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 25 Feb 2020 01:04 #347530

  • Dave M
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Past few weeks were good.  But today was a tough one.  Need to stay strong. Working in front of a computer presents its challenges.  What do you when you get triggered and then need to work on a computer? 

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 25 Feb 2020 11:17 #347539

  • Onceandforall
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Dave M wrote on 06 Feb 2020 13:56:
In any case, from past experience, I know that I just need to ride this stretch out.  If I stay strong and keep fighting, this too shall pass. 

hi Dave M

hope all is going well. Just reviewed your thread again as I am back fighting again. Mazel Tov on staying clean for one year!!!!! So amazing it really deserves a Simcha with  massive ballroom  with a 20 piece band and with all of your friends dancing together! While that won’t happen- I feel like I can dance with you from afar. 

I wanted to quote this post above though because to me that’s the bigger message I take away this morning. While you had such an amazing successful accomplishment, it’s never over. I need to hear that stuff. It will be the same urges and you still got to make these accountability posts to stay strong. I guess it never really gets “easier”, but we just get stronger at fighting. 

Mazel Tov again, and can’t wait to “dance” with you at my Simcha of my clean year anniversary 

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 25 Feb 2020 14:19 #347542

  • Dave M
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Onceandforall wrote on 25 Feb 2020 11:17:

Dave M wrote on 06 Feb 2020 13:56:
In any case, from past experience, I know that I just need to ride this stretch out.  If I stay strong and keep fighting, this too shall pass. 

hi Dave M

hope all is going well. Just reviewed your thread again as I am back fighting again. Mazel Tov on staying clean for one year!!!!! So amazing it really deserves a Simcha with  massive ballroom  with a 20 piece band and with all of your friends dancing together! While that won’t happen- I feel like I can dance with you from afar. 

I wanted to quote this post above though because to me that’s the bigger message I take away this morning. While you had such an amazing successful accomplishment, it’s never over. I need to hear that stuff. It will be the same urges and you still got to make these accountability posts to stay strong. I guess it never really gets “easier”, but we just get stronger at fighting. 

Mazel Tov again, and can’t wait to “dance” with you at my Simcha of my clean year anniversary 

Thank you for your response.  It was exactly what I needed to hear this morning.  I also owe you Hakaras Hatov.  Since your post in the summer, I have not watched any movies/TV shows since then. 

Happy to hear you are back on GYE.  Please keep us posted on your journey. 

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 25 Feb 2020 14:24 #347543

  • Dave M
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Dave M wrote on 25 Feb 2020 01:04:
Past few weeks were good.  But today was a tough one.  Need to stay strong. Working in front of a computer presents its challenges.  What do you when you get triggered and then need to work on a computer? 

B'H a new day and a fresh start.  Yesterday was a very close call for me.  I am b"h 425 days clean, but came "this close" to giving in.  B'H I was able to pull back in time.  The trigger came out of the blue.  Feeding it certainly did not help.  It goes to show that without Hashem help, this battle cannot be won by myself. 

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 26 Feb 2020 13:42 #347563

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Yesterday went well B"H.  Will post later. 

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 26 Feb 2020 20:43 #347579

  • Dave M
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In general, curiosity is a good trait.  One who is curious will always strive to learn more and not accept things at face value.  Certainly, this middos is helpful when it comes to growing in avodas Hashem and in Limud Hatorah.

In my journey to improve my shmiras einayim, I found this trait to be one of my pitfalls.  Sometime, I'll hear of a concept, or an idea will pop into my head, and I'll think "Hmmm, I wonder what that is" or "I want to learn more about".  Inevitably, there are times that this curiosity has led to some bad results.

Although, it is counter-intuitive to suppress this curiosity,  there are times when it needs to be done.  Part of being honest with oneself in this battle, is knowing deep down what the reason behind this curiosity is.  It's hard to resist this, but building the gevurah and the stamina to say no to this, is crucial in winning this war against lust related behavior    

Re: Trying to elevate my shmiras einayim 27 Feb 2020 10:11 #347594

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Dave M wrote on 26 Feb 2020 20:43:
In general, curiosity is a good trait.  One who is curious will always strive to learn more and not accept things at face value.  Certainly, this middos is helpful when it comes to growing in avodas Hashem and in Limud Hatorah.

In my journey to improve my shmiras einayim, I found this trait to be one of my pitfalls.  Sometime, I'll hear of a concept, or an idea will pop into my head, and I'll think "Hmmm, I wonder what that is" or "I want to learn more about".  Inevitably, there are times that this curiosity has led to some bad results.

Although, it is counter-intuitive to suppress this curiosity,  there are times when it needs to be done.  Part of being honest with oneself in this battle, is knowing deep down what the reason behind this curiosity is.  It's hard to resist this, but building the gevurah and the stamina to say no to this, is crucial in winning this war against lust related behavior  

 My curiosity was killing me, ask George.
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


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