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TOPIC: My sad story 11659 Views

Re: My sad story 09 Jul 2018 21:22 #333145

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Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 09 Jul 2018 19:47:


I think that by not telling your parents about your problem you are doing a great disservice to yourself. My logic is that when you are an adult you choose your phone, your place of employment, your place to live etc. But when you are a young man in your parents' house or in yeshiva others choose some things on your behalf - like this phone. Your parents and rabbeim have obligations to keep you safe and healthy, and they cannot fulfill those obligations if you have a secret life.

How are they going to feel when they inevitably find out about you many years from now, wishing that they could have known?

I think that you could find a way to tell your parents and rabbeim that you can't handle internet access. You don't have to talk about what you did in the past but you can say that once someone showed you some lewd material on the internet and when you think about what's out there you feel out of control and you want no part of it.

I know a rabbi who doesn't know how to use a computer and never wants to learn and said so. There's no shame in not wanting to be tested.

I think this is the first time I read about your attraction to other boys. That could be a side effect of doing a lot of porn and masturbation. You start looking for more variety.

I totally understand a 14 year old bochur not wanting to tell his parents.. i am also a Chabad bochur (bh 29 days clean on first try!) And I had this problem at age 14 too, but not in the wildest dreams would I go over to my parents and tell them simply because in my head I was really not normal for having such issues. Being open about it is a really mature thing to do and not all 14 year olds are really ready to open up about it to parents (to a mashpia its a different story) and probably most aren't. Teenage years are very difficult years and most of them think they know better than their parents etc so opening up to parents takes alot of courage but its definitely the right thing to do.

I understand it too. But to make an omelette you have to break some eggs.

The gemara has a story about the tzadik who goes up the ladder to the women in the loft and then starts screaming "fire! fire!" so that people should stop him. So he has what to rely on.

Re: My sad story 10 Jul 2018 20:23 #333210

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Maybe leave an anonymous letter for a rebbi there about the nisayon you (and others) are having from the phones being unfiltered. I think most would agree that bochurim in a yeshiva kayitz should have completely internet free phones.
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Re: My sad story 10 Jul 2018 21:48 #333216

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Buchurim in truth should not have phone altogether. Buchurim are meant to be removed from the world and only be involved in torah and avodah. The problem is, is that it became so normal for buchurim to have a phone that it's not recognized as a chisaron anymore. Now it's not recognized as a chisaron that buchurim have smartphones !?!??!?!? Some think the opposite that you can use a smartphone to help you learn. It's seen clearly that phones and especially smartphone disturbes buchurim from learning. That's besides the fact that alot of buchurim end up getting addicted to porn. (They get a filter, what one day they need it taken off for a bit and they fall. And once they fall once even when they put the filter back on they find a way to fall again and again..... 
its time for people to start listening to the psak of the rabbonim that you can only use internet if you need it for parnasa. And don't bring it into your house even with a filter. How can a person expect hashem to protect his family from the internet if he brings a computer in his house against the rabbonim? And if he buys his child a smartphone?????? Hashem might still protect the children because hashem is very merciful but don't put yourself and your family in a place of danger!!!! 

Re: My sad story 11 Jul 2018 22:47 #333268

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Chassidishe buchur wrote on 09 Jul 2018 02:58:
I thought that leaving crown heights for the summer and going to a yeshivas kayitz would help my struggle because crown heights is filled with women (just like any other place) and even worse - that are dressed not tzniusdik. But in the yeshivas kayitz I'm attracted to the boys. I also have more access here to a computer and smartphones. And I realized that on my phone (not a smartphone) I have full unfiltered internet, it's just not such a big screen, but it's big enough to fulfill my desires. 

Hello Chassidishe buchur
   My heart goes out to you and me and all of us who struggle with this.  As I think you know, you are far from the only one who struggles with this. I know of someone who is a mashpia for many years and has the same challenges that you do. Whether or not he should leave is not our business, but he's told me that when he first became aware of the way his thoughts were going, he made a extremely strong red line in his mind, that the moment he starts slipping towards even maybe doing something inappropriate with one of his talmediem, he is leaving instantly. There is no room to take chances, and far too many people have been through g'henim after acting inappropriately in a teacher/student relationship.  Only you yourself can know how real these thoughts are. If they are only distant fantasy's, then you should make g'darim for sure, but things can be ok, but if these thoughts/feeling start to slide to even maybe becoming real, you have a chiyuv to leave and should probably talk to someone real who can help.

Hatzlacha on your summer. It is a hard time for all of us. (unless you're in Australia and it's winter now).
Let's remember that the harder the n'soyon, - the greater the s'char
sg
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Re: My sad story 16 Jul 2018 01:18 #333458

Thanks everyone for your comments, it really makes me feel that people are here to help me. How can I know which tools I need to try? I'm not ready to call phone confrences unless that's the only way.

Re: My sad story 17 Jul 2018 21:36 #333539

Depending on whether you are an addict or not, some tools only help if you aren't addicted, best would probably be to talk to Casriel.
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, attend weekly live "SMART recovery" meetings.

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: My sad story 01 Aug 2018 00:59 #334153

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Chassidishe buchur wrote on 16 Jul 2018 01:18:
Thanks everyone for your comments, it really makes me feel that people are here to help me. How can I know which tools I need to try? I'm not ready to call phone confrences unless that's the only way.

You can call a phone conference without talking. No one has to know that you are listening. In the meantime you get to hear real (brave) people who are (or have) dealing with similar things and how they dealt with it. 
Direct contact in writing with others (not a public forum - email or chat) have helped me gain more direction as well.
 Hatzlacha
sg
BIG SHOT!
Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)

Re: My sad story 01 Aug 2018 04:48 #334163

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This machle tries to get the best of us no matter how hard we try. Keep trying many like you and worse have stopped. ( For the record I'm still struggling)
feel free to contact me @ mikefineroth@gmail.com 
Formerly mikestruggling I just bought a truck. l hang out in the trailer and G-d drives. 
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

Re: My sad story 15 Aug 2018 05:17 #334686

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make sure you take care of your addiction before you get married, getting married wont help you, it will probably make things worse and ruin your marriage 

Re: My sad story 15 Aug 2018 05:21 #334688

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Re: My sad story 28 Aug 2018 04:31 #335045

what do i do when were half way through elul and i fell almost every day of elul?

Re: My sad story 28 Aug 2018 05:21 #335047

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Chassidishe buchur wrote on 28 Aug 2018 04:31:
what do i do when were half way through elul and i fell almost every day of elul?

Shift gears and not focus about Elul for now. Are you living life? Are you content with the way things are going? Based on the infrequent posts, I am assuming you are not. 
That calls for upping the game. Try to identify a solid reason why you want to stop.
Draw up a battle plan and figure out what definitely didn't work for you. Start trying new tools. Perhaps connecting with real people. Perhaps proper restrictions.

You know yourself the best. Sometimes we are not conscious about it, however our gut instinct will guide us to the proper method, if we allow ourselves to change and follow along.

Hatzlocha Rabba!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com
Last Edit: 28 Aug 2018 05:22 by lionking.

Re: My sad story 28 Aug 2018 10:04 #335053

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Chassidishe buchur wrote on 28 Aug 2018 04:31:
what do i do when were half way through elul and i fell almost every day of elul?

For a lot of people elul, rosh hashana, tshuva, yom kippur, make the problem worse, not better. On other topics, say loshon hara, these days can help you, but not when it comes to acting out. Self-hatred connected to acting out is often why you can't resist in the first place. So thoughts of judgement are of no help.

If anything you might want to focus on the fact that on the day of judgement Hashem sees all of you in detail, and most of you is amazing (shabbos, kashrus, chesed ...) You may not think those things count, but He has an objiective view.

Re: My sad story 28 Aug 2018 13:15 #335063

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mzl wrote on 28 Aug 2018 10:04:

Chassidishe buchur wrote on 28 Aug 2018 04:31:
what do i do when were half way through elul and i fell almost every day of elul?

For a lot of people elul, rosh hashana, tshuva, yom kippur, make the problem worse, not better. On other topics, say loshon hara, these days can help you, but not when it comes to acting out. Self-hatred connected to acting out is often why you can't resist in the first place. So thoughts of judgement are of no help.

If anything you might want to focus on the fact that on the day of judgement Hashem sees all of you in detail, and most of you is amazing (shabbos, kashrus, chesed ...) You may not think those things count, but He has an objiective view.

How do we truly know Hashem's objective view?

Also acting out really can put a spoiler on ones shabbos kashrut chesed...
When I'm in lust mode, that's what's important, and all else is secondary

The question of Elul, why it doesn't help stop porn...?
At least for myself, I don't feel Elul is different to Tevet. It's dreamland to think that it's different.

So Chassidishe buchur, imagine there's snow all around now in the thick of Tevet. And you are still struggling. 
What are you gonna do about it?
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Re: My sad story 28 Aug 2018 13:51 #335065

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Markz wrote on 28 Aug 2018 13:15:

mzl wrote on 28 Aug 2018 10:04:

Chassidishe buchur wrote on 28 Aug 2018 04:31:
what do i do when were half way through elul and i fell almost every day of elul?

For a lot of people elul, rosh hashana, tshuva, yom kippur, make the problem worse, not better. On other topics, say loshon hara, these days can help you, but not when it comes to acting out. Self-hatred connected to acting out is often why you can't resist in the first place. So thoughts of judgement are of no help.

If anything you might want to focus on the fact that on the day of judgement Hashem sees all of you in detail, and most of you is amazing (shabbos, kashrus, chesed ...) You may not think those things count, but He has an objiective view.

How do we truly know Hashem's objective view?


You don't. That's the point.
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