Read once, then minimize to save screen space.

Forum Overview

Post on the forum to get support, tell your story and reach out for help when feeling weak!

You will never be alone in this struggle again.

The GYE forum is anonymous platform of group support, and a life-line of chizuk for hundreds of people in exactly your situation. 

To use the forum you need to first become a member of the site, sign up here.

After signing up to the site, go to the forum, enter one of our boards and press "New Topic" to begin posting! 

Welcome, Guest

A struggling bochur
(0 viewing) 
Welcome to our forum! Introduce yourself here (anonymously, of course) and get a warm welcome from the rest of the community!

TOPIC: A struggling bochur 31632 Views

Re: A struggling bochur 24 Apr 2019 23:55 #340734

No, it wasn't my phone as it was on YT.. 

I definitely believe it's possible to have more control, that's why I haven't given up... Question is how we bring out that control... 

btw it's easier and healthier to read it from a book then on phone...
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, part of a bi weekly 12 step phone call BH and I meet my gye accountability partner face to face once a week. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 25 Apr 2019 20:52 #340744

If anyone reading this has ever been to a live PA meeting, please pm me. Thanks

Gut yom tov to all
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, part of a bi weekly 12 step phone call BH and I meet my gye accountability partner face to face once a week. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)
Last Edit: 25 Apr 2019 20:53 by Shnitzel and kugel.

Re: A struggling bochur 26 Apr 2019 00:03 #340745

Special public thanks to that fellow which reached out to me.

איש את רעהו יעזרו ולאחיו יאמר חזק
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, part of a bi weekly 12 step phone call BH and I meet my gye accountability partner face to face once a week. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 30 Apr 2019 15:28 #340789

Lately bochurim are asking what to do bein hazmanim...

A bochur myself I personally have fallen this bein hazmanim, not necessarily because the time frame but due to place I was in.

Anyhow on gye people focus that we don't have free time so we don't act out, is that dealing with the lust issue, or simply ignoring it?


You see I've been on gye for 11 months and my lust simply seems to get stronger (or stay the same) and a shvuah couldn't prevent my last fall.
Why aren't the tools on gye working? Why is it that I have to keep on making stricter rules for myself? Isn't it supposed to get easier?


Unless one is an addict, if one has been clean for a while, why does he have to be so careful as he was when he started off? Didn't he tackle the problem?


Any struggle is hard in the beginning after a while one gets the hang of it and not necessarily has to be so vigilant.

You might say I've trained myself not to act on each urge, which it true but not my goal, it's about not living stuck in this lusting life, not being tied up by some force controlling me.


Recently someone on gye left, not judging at all but how long can a person continue fighting day in and day out?
shnitzel doesn't want to give up on gye too... But who knows?


I know i'll have to battle lust for life but not this type of lust I have currently, right now it's just out of hand...
can't look at a woman without thinking about.. insane!


Which leads me to my current plan on starting to go to live PA meetings simply because I have not dealt with the essence of it all.

Acting out is a effect from a cause called lusting, and gye doesn't seem to teach one how to deal with that, just tools how to deal with the effect..

 There are heroes here on gye who somehow got it under control with just this site, kol hakovad! I personally need more..

So back to those who find bein hazmanim tough, what about during the rest of the year, you don't find it hard? Maybe you never leave the 4 walls of Yeshivah?

Reb yid you have lusting issues, what about learning not to lust so much? What about changing the view you have towards women and sexuality?

Did I miss the point?
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, part of a bi weekly 12 step phone call BH and I meet my gye accountability partner face to face once a week. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)
Last Edit: 30 Apr 2019 15:43 by Shnitzel and kugel.

Re: A struggling bochur 01 May 2019 02:02 #340805

  • Hakolhevel
  • Current streak: 11 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 238
  • Karma: 22
Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 30 Apr 2019 15:28:
Lately bochurim are asking what to do bein hazmanim...

A bochur myself I personally have fallen this bein hazmanim, not necessarily because the time frame but due to place I was in.

Anyhow on gye people focus that we don't have free time so we don't act out, is that dealing with the lust issue, or simply ignoring it?


You see I've been on gye for 11 months and my lust simply seems to get stronger (or stay the same) and a shvuah couldn't prevent my last fall.
Why aren't the tools on gye working? Why is it that I have to keep on making stricter rules for myself? Isn't it supposed to get easier?


Unless one is an addict, if one has been clean for a while, why does he have to be so careful as he was when he started off? Didn't he tackle the problem?


Any struggle is hard in the beginning after a while one gets the hang of it and not necessarily has to be so vigilant.

You might say I've trained myself not to act on each urge, which it true but not my goal, it's about not living stuck in this lusting life, not being tied up by some force controlling me.


Recently someone on gye left, not judging at all but how long can a person continue fighting day in and day out?
shnitzel doesn't want to give up on gye too... But who knows?


I know i'll have to battle lust for life but not this type of lust I have currently, right now it's just out of hand...
can't look at a woman without thinking about.. insane!


Which leads me to my current plan on starting to go to live PA meetings simply because I have not dealt with the essence of it all.

Acting out is a effect from a cause called lusting, and gye doesn't seem to teach one how to deal with that, just tools how to deal with the effect..

 There are heroes here on gye who somehow got it under control with just this site, kol hakovad! I personally need more..

So back to those who find bein hazmanim tough, what about during the rest of the year, you don't find it hard? Maybe you never leave the 4 walls of Yeshivah?

Reb yid you have lusting issues, what about learning not to lust so much? What about changing the view you have towards women and sexuality?

Did I miss the point?

One of your greatest posts.

Re: A struggling bochur 01 May 2019 03:13 #340810

  • Shteigen613
  • Current streak: 122 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Junior Boarder
  • Posts: 20
  • Karma: 1
Wow, you seem very frustrated. 
While this forum helps for some (myself included), it certainly doesn't help you in the way that you would like it to.
so I believe that it's time to take a step back.
perhaps, there are underlying issues which create pressure in your life, and you view lusting and acting out as a release.
Perhaps, the answer to your frustration is within you. And i challenge you to dig deeper.
what are your life goals? What are your short term goals?
you mentioned you are in yeshiva. What are your goals in learning, bi'iyun, bkius, and mussar? (And/Or chassidus)...

perhaps, if you set goals for yourself, and achieve them, you will be more satisfied with life. 

perhaps, if your current life is not leading you to where you want to be, that's causing internal friction.

perhaps, you have a stressful family dynamic, social dynamic, or dating dynamic.

what is your exercise regimen? Do you walk daily? Do you smoke? Do you drink alcohol?

What I'm saying here is, look at what's going on right now. You describe that you are lusting all over the place, and it is taking over.

don't let it.

now, when you are in crisis mode, take stock of your life and relationships. Recalibrate. Smooth out all the wrinkles (which are possible). Instead of falling victim to your weakness, embrace it as motivation to promote positive change in your life.
I can only tell you from my own experience, that whenevr I feel weak, i take out a note pad (Either physical or mental), write my to-do lists, try to reorganize my life, and recalibrate. 
possibly, you will find hatzlacha. 
anyone else agree?

Re: A struggling bochur 01 May 2019 04:07 #340813

  • Markz
  • Current streak: 87 days
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 7124
  • Karma: 372
The forum really does help Shnitzel. He’s getting places.
And he helps others too :-)

That’s my impression.
My Story---------Dov Quotes


What works for me:
ForumInternet Restrictions




FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING
Click HERE to checkout;
100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: A struggling bochur 02 May 2019 05:21 #340860

Shteigen613 wrote on 01 May 2019 03:13:
Wow, you seem very frustrated. 
While this forum helps for some (myself included), it certainly doesn't help you in the way that you would like it to.
so I believe that it's time to take a step back.
perhaps, there are underlying issues which create pressure in your life, and you view lusting and acting out as a release.
Perhaps, the answer to your frustration is within you. And i challenge you to dig deeper.
what are your life goals? What are your short term goals?
you mentioned you are in yeshiva. What are your goals in learning, bi'iyun, bkius, and mussar? (And/Or chassidus)...

perhaps, if you set goals for yourself, and achieve them, you will be more satisfied with life. 

perhaps, if your current life is not leading you to where you want to be, that's causing internal friction.

perhaps, you have a stressful family dynamic, social dynamic, or dating dynamic.

what is your exercise regimen? Do you walk daily? Do you smoke? Do you drink alcohol?

What I'm saying here is, look at what's going on right now. You describe that you are lusting all over the place, and it is taking over.

don't let it.

now, when you are in crisis mode, take stock of your life and relationships. Recalibrate. Smooth out all the wrinkles (which are possible). Instead of falling victim to your weakness, embrace it as motivation to promote positive change in your life.
I can only tell you from my own experience, that whenevr I feel weak, i take out a note pad (Either physical or mental), write my to-do lists, try to reorganize my life, and recalibrate. 
possibly, you will find hatzlacha. 
anyone else agree?

All I'm trying to say is, suggestions to bochurim such as "make sure you never have free time" or "it's normal to have such desires"  is nice and dandy but that's a short term answer, in the long term one needs to take care of the lusting issue, whether it's by therapy, speaking to sober people and sometimes even live groups. 


Hence bein hazmanim is such an issue because then lust has no distractions and is roaming freely, and being single isn't a justification to lust, sorry folks.. 
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, part of a bi weekly 12 step phone call BH and I meet my gye accountability partner face to face once a week. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)
Last Edit: 02 May 2019 05:25 by Shnitzel and kugel.

Re: A struggling bochur 02 May 2019 15:11 #340871

  • OTR
  • Current streak: 4 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 517
  • Karma: 9
Iwtbf613 wrote on 22 Apr 2019 05:24:
Hey, I also fell both erev yontiv and motzi yontiv, the erev yontiv was after roughly 140 days. My taphsic also did nothing for me. Actually that's not so true, I believe my taphsic was the reason I ended up falling. Not too sure how you've treated the taphsic, but in my case, my sobriety became completely centered around and reliant upon the taphsic. The taphsic is a tool (hence the reason why it's part of the "tool" section) We have many "tools" in our "tool kit" e.g. GYE principles, forums, chats, articles, taphsic, filters, etc. The tools are only so useful as long as you know what it is you're trying to build. Our sobriety is more than the sum of our tools, but the "bigger picture" that we're working for. I think we need to ask ourselves: how important is our sobriety to us?

If there was a prize for intelligent writing on GYE I would nominate this. Obsession with recovery is not much different than obsession with lust. I do believe it CAN be a basis for further growth which has to be dealing with the obsession itself, but if not it can just be a springboard for further obsession. Thanks for writing this dude. 
  • I've never been one for signatures.. but sometimes people change
  • I'm seeking the life that I find manageable which may not be the life you find manageable. But let's make a deal. I want you to find yours and you want me to find mine even if they are different.

Re: A struggling bochur 02 May 2019 15:22 #340872

  • OTR
  • Current streak: 4 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 517
  • Karma: 9
Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 23 Apr 2019 20:06:
Sometimes והמעשה הוא העיקר so 5 times in 11 months, not bad. right?

However I still haven't learnt how to stop lusting constantly.. since I've joined I might have learnt how not to act out on each urge, which is great but that's not what I'm trying to gain. 

The tools helped me till now, but the lust simply caught up with these tools and since I've not begun to deal with the actual lusting, learning how not to lust constantly but rather just fighting it, eventually even a shvuah will be overpowered...

Therefore my question to you all is what do I next to end this insane lusting life?

Not tools how to deal with it, but ways to take care of it.. 

I'll appreciate solid answers. Thanks!

Shnitzel, your attitude is really good. I was nervous when I started reading your post that you were so strongly focused on 90 days and that there was a magical property to it. I was concerned that either A- You would not make it there and become depressed about recovery in general and just throw it away. or B: Make it there, not feel a magical elevation and also become discouraged. 

Maybe that is because I spent much time being discouraged so I think it will happen to others. But seeing this it looks like you are taking a real step toward finding YOUR sobriety. 

Some other points: *Is it Healthier to read SA off the phone or a book... it depepnds on the person.

* How much free time should a bachur have.. Answer, as much and as little as he needs to foster a better result in his actions. too much... can be bad. too little... can also be bad. 

* Why do you need stricter and stricter rules.. I think because you are focusing on the results of sobriety and not the process of getting sober. Getting sober is pleasant and to a large degree (at least my sobriety) obviates the desire to act out. The desire becomes less sharp and compelling because you have tools to deal with it, NOT because you have stricter limitations. - I am a YUUUUUUGE fan of siyagim, limitations etc.. but they need to be limitations that make you feel COMFORTABLE not contrained. We all seek that balance in ourselves and your job is to continue finding your balance. 

*shnitzel doesn't want to give up on gye too... But who knows?- If sobriety is a constant FIGHT.. you will eventually give up. No one can fight and feel like a failure forever. If what you find is something sweet, that you really enjoy, and fulfills you then you'll continue with it. Despite teh falls. Even if you fall,, you will look at yourself and say, meh.. that was not me. I lost mySELF for a second. But I am back to mySELF. But if your life is a set of strict regimens and rules and gedarim ONLY, then what you are really saying is that your real SELF wants to act out. You just have a hired officer to hold it back. That is unwinabble in my opinion. 

I wish you continued success. The days of staying away from lust are never days we regret no matter how few there are.
  • I've never been one for signatures.. but sometimes people change
  • I'm seeking the life that I find manageable which may not be the life you find manageable. But let's make a deal. I want you to find yours and you want me to find mine even if they are different.
Last Edit: 02 May 2019 15:30 by OTR.

Re: A struggling bochur 02 May 2019 15:30 #340874

  • cordnoy
  • Current streak: 6 days
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Moderator
  • I'm sailin', for I've got to be free
  • Posts: 11226
  • Karma: 513
OTR wrote on 02 May 2019 15:22:

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 23 Apr 2019 20:06:
Sometimes והמעשה הוא העיקר so 5 times in 11 months, not bad. right?

However I still haven't learnt how to stop lusting constantly.. since I've joined I might have learnt how not to act out on each urge, which is great but that's not what I'm trying to gain. 

The tools helped me till now, but the lust simply caught up with these tools and since I've not begun to deal with the actual lusting, learning how not to lust constantly but rather just fighting it, eventually even a shvuah will be overpowered...

Therefore my question to you all is what do I next to end this insane lusting life?

Not tools how to deal with it, but ways to take care of it.. 

I'll appreciate solid answers. Thanks!

Shnitzel, your attitude is really good. I was nervous when I started reading your post that you were so strongly focused on 90 days and that there was a magical property to it. I was concerned that either A- You would not make it there and become depressed about recovery in general and just throw it away. or B: Make it there, not feel a magical elevation and also become discouraged. 

Maybe that is because I spent much time being discouraged so I think it will happen to others. But seeing this it looks like you are taking a real step toward finding YOUR sobriety. 

Some other points: *Is it Healthier to read SA off the phone or a book... it depepnds on the person.

* How much free time should a bachur have.. Answer, as much and as little as he needs to foster a better result in his actions. too much... can be bad. too little... can also be bad. 

* Why do you need stricter and stricter rules.. I think because you are focusing on the results of sobriety and not the process of getting sober. Getting sober is pleasant and to a large degree (at least my sobriety) obviates the desire to act out. The desire becomes less sharp and compelling because you have tools to deal with it, NOT because you have stricter limitations. - I am a YUUUUUUGE fan of siyagim, limitations etc.. but they need to be limitations that make you feel COMFORTABLE not contrained. We all seek that balance in ourselves and your job is to continue finding your balance. 

I wish you continued success. The days of staying away from lust are never days we regret no matter how few there are.

S&K (hmmm....), you asked me a question somewhere above. OTR answered it better than I would have.

Godspeed to you.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.
Last Edit: 02 May 2019 15:33 by cordnoy.

Re: A struggling bochur 08 May 2019 00:42 #340986

Alright, I just spoke with my mashpia and and I will be starting to go to live PA meetings iyh.
how exciting!

I feel this is a new stage and step in my recovery and I'm as excited as when I joined gye 11 months ago. 

Wondering who else from gye I'll bump into... Lol
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, part of a bi weekly 12 step phone call BH and I meet my gye accountability partner face to face once a week. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 08 May 2019 01:10 #340987

  • Markz
  • Current streak: 87 days
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 7124
  • Karma: 372
Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 08 May 2019 00:42:
Alright, I just spoke with my mashpia and and I will be starting to go to live PA meetings iyh.
how exciting!

I feel this is a new stage and step in my recovery and I'm as excited as when I joined gye 11 months ago. 

Wondering who else from gye I'll bump into... Lol

#DeepFryShnitzeling
My Story---------Dov Quotes


What works for me:
ForumInternet Restrictions




FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING
Click HERE to checkout;
100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: A struggling bochur 08 May 2019 01:41 #340988

  • Joseph1
  • Current streak: 160 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts: 10
  • Karma: -1
Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 08 May 2019 00:42:
Alright, I just spoke with my mashpia and and I will be starting to go to live PA meetings iyh.
how exciting!

I feel this is a new stage and step in my recovery and I'm as excited as when I joined gye 11 months ago. 

Wondering who else from gye I'll bump into... Lol

Mazel tov 

You will do now the best step in your life.... you will work a program what most people joining it are sober for years with a happy family and strong life 

Just ingesting, a bucher should enter SA is an unusual thing, but keep up we are with you

Re: A struggling bochur 08 May 2019 04:00 #340990

Thanks for the support!

I'm going to pa not sa so maybe there are some bochurim that do go, if not I'll be the first. 
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, part of a bi weekly 12 step phone call BH and I meet my gye accountability partner face to face once a week. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)
Time to create page: 0.69 seconds

Are you sure?

Yes