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TOPIC: A struggling bochur 3254 Views

Re: A struggling bochur 11 Oct 2018 02:49 #336130

Day #123!

May moshiach come 123 which would btw get rid of this struggle...
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Re: A struggling bochur 11 Oct 2018 03:00 #336131

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Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 11 Oct 2018 02:49:
Day #123!

May moshiach come 123 which would btw get rid of this struggle...

And (excuse the pun, but) then we will have a Leviathan party with yours truly

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Re: A struggling bochur 11 Oct 2018 04:08 #336136

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 11 Oct 2018 02:49:
Day #123!

May moshiach come 123 which would btw get rid of this struggle...

Great job man! 123 days (regardless of what lies ahead) suggests that you are doing healthy things which are helping you stay clean. That is really awesome.

Stam, I think it says in seforim that when Moshiach comes we will actually pine for the old days where there was a struggle Also, for me, wanting to get rid of these tempations is a slippery slope. It leads to resisting the thoughts, and then ultimately succumbing to them. Sometimes it's better to simply just let these thoughts be and then let em go. Hatzlacha!
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Re: A struggling bochur 11 Oct 2018 04:47 #336139

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Ihavestrength wrote on 11 Oct 2018 04:08:

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 11 Oct 2018 02:49:
Day #123!

May moshiach come 123 which would btw get rid of this struggle...

Great job man! 123 days (regardless of what lies ahead) suggests that you are doing healthy things which are helping you stay clean. That is really awesome.

Stam, I think it says in seforim that when Moshiach comes we will actually pine for the old days where there was a struggle Also, for me, wanting to get rid of these tempations is a slippery slope. It leads to resisting the thoughts, and then ultimately succumbing to them. Sometimes it's better to simply just let these thoughts be and then let em go. Hatzlacha!

ימים אשר יאמר אין לי בהם חפץ​
or something like that refers to the days of moshiach when  we will miss the yetzer hora 

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Re: A struggling bochur 14 Oct 2018 02:53 #336184

Gut voch to all!
Day #126 on first try bh! 

So when I joined gye just over 4 months ago I decided that I won't consider dating till I become sane in this particular area. I thought it'll take longer till I manage to get these desires under control but bh I think I'm pretty stable now, and therefore I plan on starting now.. 

What do the chevrah here think?
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Re: A struggling bochur 14 Oct 2018 05:08 #336186

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Its very difficult to respond properly without really knowing you. In general, pornography is extremely destructive to the proper marriage mindset. You BH seem to b'ezras Hashem cut the cord from viewing it. However the images remain for a while. If you decide to proceed with shidduchim, make sure not to objectify any of the people you meet. Iyh when you get engaged, be open with the chosson rebbi that you were exposed to inappropriate material and he should please give you the extra time to set you straight. On and off the site are many excellent recordings of shiurim and speeches, but nothing compares to real one on one talks. Based on your positive attitude and style of writing, it appears you will iyh have one lucky wife, one whose husband will be focused on giving and giving and giving.
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Re: A struggling bochur 14 Oct 2018 05:18 #336188

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Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 14 Oct 2018 02:53:
Gut voch to all!
Day #126 on first try bh! 

So when I joined gye just over 4 months ago I decided that I won't consider dating till I become sane in this particular area. I thought it'll take longer till I manage to get these desires under control but bh I think I'm pretty stable now, and therefore I plan on starting now.. 

What do the chevrah here think?

I don't think so many months of consecutive clean days is a scientific proof that you're "sane." But then I don't know that waiting is the right thing anyway. At any rate since you are obviously concerned about this you should probably discuss it with your date before you pull the trigger and propose. She probably will have some challenges too.

Re: A struggling bochur 14 Oct 2018 05:25 #336189

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Most women don't really "get it" about the urges that boys have. It is usually not advisable to discuss this issue with them, especially if the boy has shown bli ayin hora much ability to be in control. Over 100 days at a first try, such focus - this is one special fellow. If anything, he should discuss it with a rebbi or therapist who deal with this issue and can advise wisely.
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Re: A struggling bochur 14 Oct 2018 12:23 #336201

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 14 Oct 2018 05:25:
Most women don't really "get it" about the urges that boys have. It is usually not advisable to discuss this issue with them, especially if the boy has shown bli ayin hora much ability to be in control. Over 100 days at a first try, such focus - this is one special fellow. If anything, he should discuss it with a rebbi or therapist who deal with this issue and can advise wisely.

That's a different kind of talk. The talk with the girl is to let her know that he had some struggles in this area and overcame it, so if you are wrong that this will never happen to him again she doesn't conclude she was shortchanged and he has much better chances of success.

Re: A struggling bochur 14 Oct 2018 12:52 #336202

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mzl wrote on 14 Oct 2018 12:23:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 14 Oct 2018 05:25:
Most women don't really "get it" about the urges that boys have. It is usually not advisable to discuss this issue with them, especially if the boy has shown bli ayin hora much ability to be in control. Over 100 days at a first try, such focus - this is one special fellow. If anything, he should discuss it with a rebbi or therapist who deal with this issue and can advise wisely.

That's a different kind of talk. The talk with the girl is to let her know that he had some struggles in this area and overcame it, so if you are wrong that this will never happen to him again she doesn't conclude she was shortchanged and he has much better chances of success.

Once someone is married there is nothing wrong in sharing that dealing with the street and the general effect Western Culture has on us is challenging for any bochur who wishes to remain pure. Vague talk like that is ok. Mentioning past viewing of pornography to a prospective wife in my humble opinion will not have any positive effect (unless she is an exceptionally wise and broad minded individual). Obviously one who is still struggling presently with pornography should be asking advice from mentors if and how to begin shidduchim.
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Re: A struggling bochur 14 Oct 2018 14:52 #336205

Hashem Help Me wrote on 14 Oct 2018 05:08:
Its very difficult to respond properly without really knowing you. In general, pornography is extremely destructive to the proper marriage mindset. You BH seem to b'ezras Hashem cut the cord from viewing it. However the images remain for a while. If you decide to proceed with shidduchim, make sure not to objectify any of the people you meet. Iyh when you get engaged, be open with the chosson rebbi that you were exposed to inappropriate material and he should please give you the extra time to set you straight. On and off the site are many excellent recordings of shiurim and speeches, but nothing compares to real one on one talks. Based on your positive attitude and style of writing, it appears you will iyh have one lucky wife, one whose husband will be focused on giving and giving and giving.

Thanks for the advice, I definitely won't proceed till I get the green light from my personal Rav which knows me well, and iyh I do plan on going to therapy to get my marriage mindset back on track which was distorted by viewing pornography. Just אין חכם כבעל ניסיון and so I wanted to hear from people who were there are bh are currently on the right track what they have to say.

Although I originally thought I'll need to tell my potential wife about this for her benefit, after speaking with so many people and all explained to me why it won't be beneficial and in the words of one guy "me hiding it is not doing the wrong thing, it's the right thing" cuz they just don't get it. Unless she tells me that she's a member on gye with this problem too lol

P.s. it's funny how hhm sees from my writing that I'm a giving guy which is so true! I guess you can read between the lines...
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Last Edit: 14 Oct 2018 14:58 by Shnitzel and kugel.
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Re: A struggling bochur 14 Oct 2018 14:59 #336206

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Just bear in mind that p*rn changes how you view women. When he gets in bed with her she will see a mile away, and if she does she may not saw it out loud. From then on he shouldn't be surprised if all sorts of inexplicable things in his home life don't work out as he expects.

Re: A struggling bochur 14 Oct 2018 14:59 #336207

How do I get rid of those spoiler emojis?
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Re: A struggling bochur 14 Oct 2018 16:27 #336210

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Great replies from everyone here 
just to add my 2 cents as someone who's wife got a small idea of what i was doing.. it is VERY traumatic to a woman who sees you and knows you as a very good person and ירא שמים hear that you have done things which are explicitly אסור and not moral, and without having our urge there is no real way they can understand it. And i wuldn't even imagine trying to explain that to a כלה or a future כלה . However obviously best thing is if you have a LOR who knows you well and knows you're struggles he will best be able to advise you if/what you should say.It may be important to have something prepared as if you get married and do need internet (or may apply for shopping or vacations) you should be able to say I can't do this....even if others do these things
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Re: A struggling bochur 14 Oct 2018 19:45 #336222

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Aside from Rav and therapy iy'H at the right time it would be kdai to have a discussion with one of the Gye Madrichim
Kutgw!
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