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OnTheRoad is BackonTrack is OTR is....
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TOPIC: OnTheRoad is BackonTrack is OTR is.... 70663 Views

Re: OnTheRoad is BackonTrack is OTR is.... 14 Apr 2019 15:31 #340580

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Hatzlacha staying On Track while you’re On The Road
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...

"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."
"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."
- General Grant

My story:

Re: OnTheRoad is BackonTrack is OTR is.... 15 Apr 2019 05:12 #340590

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Thanks fellers. 
  • I've never been one for signatures.. but sometimes people change
  • I'm seeking the life that I find manageable which may not be the life you find manageable. But let's make a deal. I want you to find yours and you want me to find mine even if they are different.

Re: OnTheRoad is BackonTrack is OTR is.... 02 May 2019 16:31 #340881

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OK well time for a quick update. I watched porn and masturbated over chol hamoed one day and then after YT. I was revving up to get back into neder mode and all the strict self structuring things I have doe in the past. I was not happy about it, but figured I had to. And I still may need to.  I thought I would tailspin back into being completely subjugated to watching porn and not taking care of my life's business: Work, children, other obligations... etc.. 

Luckily that hasn't happened. I think there really has been a seed of reality that has taken root in my life. Maybe I would call it a seed of manageability to be more accurate. 

I wound up not shutting my computer back off with the filter yet. And just went day by day. I am not 'staying focused' or 'keeping busy' I just am busy. At some point I may get around to closing it off. If I begin to feel more uncomfortable I will of course have to shut things off and go back into a more restrictive setting. I know in the past, a situation like this has triggered a lot of drama and 911 action for me.. BUt I am not feeling it. Is that bad? Good? A little of both? I just wanna basically keep humming along and if this gets to a point where I feel my life is being disturbed, or where I am (as a result of internal self loathing) hurting others emotionally, then I need to make a more substantial change. Otherwise I'm just sitting tight for the moment. 

In other news, I see the effects everyday right now, of what I believe was my insanity for almost a decade of one of my kids formative years. This kid is struggling so much now and I feel such a weight of guilt. I think I was a terrible, very overbearing strict father for this kid, and it led to a significant anxiety issue. I daven now every day pretty much to not harm this kids self esteem anymore. I think I need to find a way to say I am sorry as well and do a real apology. Accept the responsibility for what I did wrong. without giving teh deets as to where it was coming from obv.

I think it was about 100 something days of sobriety. I haven't made a cheshbon and don't really  feel driven to. It seems to me I just had set in my mind that I was going to stay ok till Pesach and then when it came I just let up out o thining that that is what I usually do? If that makes any sense... So right now.. that's me. 
  • I've never been one for signatures.. but sometimes people change
  • I'm seeking the life that I find manageable which may not be the life you find manageable. But let's make a deal. I want you to find yours and you want me to find mine even if they are different.

Re: OnTheRoad is BackonTrack is OTR is.... 16 May 2019 15:24 #341225

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This is an important thing for me to keep in mind. So I am keeping it here. 
I know it is written to women, but it spells out things that happen to me if I get emotionally involved with others. There are certain undertones of the piece that are dismissive of the ill effects of such behavior vis a vis physical cheating. I don't agree with those of course. Maybe seeing and reading them has affected me negatively as well. - The things which hit me are the secrecy and lack of wanting my spouse when I engage is such behavior. - Secrecy is THE TOP internal killer for me. 

Sorry, But If You Notice Any Of These Signs, Your Partner Is Emotionally Cheating On You Valeria Nekhim Lease,

Your partner may be cheating on you without so much as laying lips on someone else. They might be emotionally cheating on you, which may sound like a lesser evil, but-make no mistake-can be way worse than traditional (read: physical) infidelity.

You see, unlike physical cheatin', an emotional affair can never be blamed on alcohol or one poor decision. You just can’t foster a deep attachment with someone overnight, explains M.S. phd a licensed marriage and family therapist.

There’s no fixed definition for emotional cheating, Schacter notes, because it’s a concept that keeps evolving. She thinks each couple is an expert in their own relationship and gives her patients the freedom to decide what constitutes as emotional betrayal based on the rules and boundaries they’ve set for themselves.

Is betrayal forgivable? These celebs think so...

That said, Schacter views emotional infidelity as having three components: an emotional connection, secrecy, and an element of eroticism.

A close, platonic friendship is one thing. But if you’re in a monogamous relationship and you find yourself exchanging daily texts with, say, a coworker (emotional connection) that you don’t want you partner to see (secrecy), and the thought of kissing him or her excites you (eroticism)-you may be veering into emotional-affair territory.

And sadly, according to Schacter, it’s now easier than ever to start an emotional affair, because cell phones and social media make people accessible 24/7 (and make those conversations, well, private). do you know if your partner is emotionally cheating on you? Are there any signs? In short, yes-though they’re less obvious than a forgotten thong or a lipstick-stained tee shirt.

Signs Your Partner Is Cheating On You1. They don't want you anywhere near their phone.

If your partner is suddenly positioning themselves away from you while using their phone-or gets annoyed when you go anywhere near it-they may be...dun-dun-dun...trying to hide something.

A noticeable increase in texting and social media use can also be reason to be wary of emotional infidelity. But if they're now stashing their phone in their pocket or bringing it to the bathroom when they used to leave it chilling on the couch, that's even more suspect.

2. They're acting...different.

On that note, any obvious change in your partner’s behavior may be worth investigating, says Schacter. This applies regardless of whether they’re spending significantly more time on Facebook, or if they suddenly want to hit the gym alone instead of as a couple.

A clear change in behavior doesn't necessarily mean they're emotionally cheating, but it does mean something is likely up.

2. They’re sharing a lot less.

In a healthy relationship, it’s important to talk openly about what’s going on in each others’ lives, even if it’s just boring day-to-day stuff. So if your partner stops sharing stuff with you and is fielding questions with third-grader answers ("fine," "nothing," "okay"), it could be a red flag.

They may be avoiding you because they know they’ve done something wrong. Or, it could be slightly worse than that: They might be spending so much time communicating with whomever they’re emotionally cheating with that they’re all chatted out by the time they come home. Oof.

Sure, it's totally possible that your partner could be going through a rough patch at work and prefers to spare you the gory details. But again, if his or her behavior seems atypical, it’s best to trust your gut and talk about it, Schacter says.

3. You no longer feel like a priority.

Unlike a one-night stand, an emotional affair requires time and energy from the person involved in it, given its intimate nature. So if you begin to feel like an afterthought instead of a priority, it could be that your partner is too preoccupied with someone else.

For instance, if you’re out together and they seem distracted and/or are glued to their phone without a legit explanation, that's...a problem.

The same can be said if your partner has gotten into the habit of canceling plans with you at the last minute (especially if it’s to hang out with one person in particular).

“Ask yourself if you’re being treated fairly and whether your partner’s behavior seems off,” says Schacter. If you can honestly say no to the first part and yes to the second, it’s time to address that with them.

4. They’re not as interested in sex.

So your other half no longer initiates in the bedroom or appears disconnected during the act? That's a possible cause for concern, particularly if you're unaware of any major issues currently going on in their life.

Whether it’s intercourse, kissin', or holding hands, physical intimacy is a huge and vital part of a successful relationship, and any sudden change in that department may be a sign of a bigger problem.

In certain cases, an emotional affair can be a gateway to sex because it’s a logical next step, Schacter explains. However, for some, emotional cheating might be purely about how another person makes them feel (and thus a physical relationship isn't on the table).

But either scenario is, obviously, really hurtful.

What To Do If You Think Your Partner Is Emotionally Cheating

Okay, so there’s been a noticeable shift in the relationship and you find yourself nodding along to this list (so sorry). Now what?

For a lot of people, the natural default is to play detective, but it’s best to avoid being accusatory when approaching your other half about your suspicions, Schacter says.

Instead, she recommends you act curious and start the dialogue by askin' questions related to **just** your relationship. A few solid options:

  • "How do you feel about our relationship? Are you happy?"

  • "Do you feel like there’s something missing between us?"

If they say everything is A-okay and they're happy-but you're still concerned-a couples' therapist can provide the necessary tools to help you work through the issue in a productive manner.

The Aftermath Of Emotional Cheating: Cause For A Breakup?

Truth: Staying in or ending the relationship is entirely up to you. If your person is willing to have an honest conversation and take responsibility for their transgression, Schacter says it’s totally possible to move past it.

And while healing and forgiveness take time, a couple can learn from this type of crisis-and even strengthen their bond. (Communication goes a long way.)

Also worth noting: Emotional cheating doesn’t **automatically** mean there’s an underlying issue in the relationship.

People don’t cheat only because they’re looking to fill a void, explains Schacter. Sometimes they are happy with their partners but are craving a little novelty or want to be reminded of a certain time in their life.

So if you find yourself with someone in the middle of an emotional affair, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.

It just means your bond could use some work...but both partners-and zero third parties-need to be fully involved.

('You Might Also Like',)

  • I've never been one for signatures.. but sometimes people change
  • I'm seeking the life that I find manageable which may not be the life you find manageable. But let's make a deal. I want you to find yours and you want me to find mine even if they are different.
Last Edit: 16 May 2019 15:57 by cordnoy. Reason: cheatin', askin', kissin'

Re: OnTheRoad is BackonTrack is OTR is.... 02 Jun 2019 21:26 #341580

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I am right now eating all the crap I threw into my eldest when she was young. She bore the brunt of the craziness that was going on inside of me because she was weak. And that is the brutal painful truth about how screwed up I was when I was intensely and uncontrollably watching porn. I think the only difference between then and now is that I have learned to appreciate and respect my need for limits on accessibility. It's not that I am that same monster now as I was then and just white knuckling.. I never was a monster. Porn made me feel like crap and feeling like crap made me act like it to others. But I was never bad. Just not respecting my own limitations.I am not able to say I think I will be entirely or forever porn free at this time. IN general my spates of watching porn have become shorter and I retreat a lot quicker into where I feel safe. Do I want to be even better.. Yes. And I hope that with more prolonged periods of staying away as well as the personal work I can do while I am not on porn, I will get to the point where I never need it again. Or never use it again. - It is similar to me in how I stopped smoking. It was a long road. And I still have a smoke every now and then. But that is it. No more packs for years, no desire even for it except once in a blue. -While I am totally content with having an occasional cigarette I am not ok with having an occasional porn session because to me there is something inherently wrong with watching porn. For me, the problems of watching once in a while are  I think a combination of religious guilt, and feeling untrue to my wife. And feeling out of control. But the out of control feeling has been a lot less problematic lately.  Of course binge watching like I used to, would dredge up all my self esteem issues of feeling out of control and animalistic.Masturbation doesn't bother me as much as an addict. Although it does bug me as a Jew. I think that is the broadest slice of my take on this in a nutshell.. Anyone still awake?
  • I've never been one for signatures.. but sometimes people change
  • I'm seeking the life that I find manageable which may not be the life you find manageable. But let's make a deal. I want you to find yours and you want me to find mine even if they are different.
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