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Sexaholics Anonymous
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TOPIC: Sexaholics Anonymous 4428 Views

Re: Sexaholics Anonymous 22 Nov 2015 17:58 #269306

  • Lizhensk
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  • You never heard of Rebbes making sholom?
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I think that maybe you should start by identifying what it is you need dependence FROM. To take from SA literature from a second (Though, I don't know if you need SA, the literature sometimes has some genius sprinkled in), "We found that lust was not our problem, it was our SOLUTION". So find out what is it solving for you?
Life is Like a Bicycle: If its easy, you're going downhill
Hashem, If I can't have what I want, then please teach me to want what I have -Unknown (and if u know who it was please inform me)
There is NOTHING wrong with feeling pain -My Sponsor
I will not act out today, I will tomorrow. Maybe when I get to tomorrow, it will again be 'today'

Re: Sexaholics Anonymous 23 Nov 2015 13:34 #269367

  • Moshe271
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Hi YaakovP,
I'm a recovering sexaholic in SA. In fact, I started in SA and only recently began posting here on GYE - simply to expand my network. I relate very much to what Dov said in his posts. The experience of revealing who I am to other people in a safe environment - of laying on the table all that is me, of being brutally honest with other people about what I have done and what I fear I might do if I didn't get into recovery, this has shattered the wall that severed me from reality. I've been sober for 1 year and 2 days, one day at a time. When I started, I thought that my wife was the reason for all my problems. I was lusting after people who, if I would have touched them, could have had me put into jail. I realized I was quickly getting to a point that fantasy and masturbation was going to morph into something far more serious and deadly. That's when I told our marriage counsellor. He told me to go to SA and I did. It took me about a month to "get on the path" of recovery. A few months later, I realized that it wasn't my wife who was at fault, but that she had been a victim of my acting out all those years. (from 9 years old, mind you.) Pornography, fantasy, and masturbation were my drugs of choice, and I used them to avoid all the conflict, lack of self esteem, anger, worthlessness, failure that I ought to have experienced but supressed through acting out. Now, without my drug, I have to face my fears for the first time in my life and deal with them. It's hard, but the SA meetings and picking up the phone whenever I need to connect with the fellowship gets me through. In my experience, it's not enough to go to a meeting or two each week. I needed support throughout the day at the beginning - to nip the emotional triggers in the bud. to be honest 24/7, not just at meetings. I ususally speak to three members each day, to keep connected.

I also realate very strongly to Dov's need to see people work the program and live with honesty. It's not a theory, it's a practice. I regularly talk out issues and feelings and situations with experienced sober members of the fellowship in order to hear how they apply the principles of the 12 steps in their own lives.

No one can tell you if you are a sexaholic except for you. If you are, you will know, and you will see how SA can work wonders for you, as it did for me.

Whatever your decision, I applaud your steps toward dealing with this problem and wish you much hatzlacha.


Re: Sexaholics Anonymous 23 Nov 2015 19:04 #269408

  • Shlomo24
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Lizhensk wrote:
I think that maybe you should start by identifying what it is you need dependence FROM. To take from SA literature from a second (Though, I don't know if you need SA, the literature sometimes has some genius sprinkled in), "We found that lust was not our problem, it was our SOLUTION". So find out what is it solving for you?

I apologize for hacking the thread but... LIZHENSK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WELCOME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i'm gonna call you iy"h)
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 


Re: Sexaholics Anonymous 01 Dec 2015 04:12 #269986

  • Dov
  • Administrator
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YaakovP wrote:
WoW, thank you all for the input from your own experiences. Since I started this thread a couple weeks ago, I've actually been to two different SA meetings locally and am trying to find the right meeting at the right time for me.

Dov, how you describe the issues we face really hit home and help me come to terms with the fact that I don't just enjoy sex/masturbation/porn etc, but I've got a dependence on them beyond the normal that is affecting my everyday life. Another filter on my phone, learning mussar or the GYE website doesn't just work for me, this is an issue that needs to be solved by me and not just have a preventative measure that makes it harder for me to access porn, because I will get my fix one way or another. I always have and I always will unless I stop it.

Thanks again.

I agree. Change is all dependent on action. Even though the action does not do it.
Just like Parnossah, where as believers, we say parnosah is not from our actions but from Hashem - yet He will not give it without our actions, same for refuah...see, our religion is full of this same idea. Just like recovery. Sobriety is completely my responsibility, but is all Hashem's credit. Those aren't just words, but have many practical applications.

Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: Sexaholics Anonymous 24 Aug 2020 13:05 #354142

  • stillgoing
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Dov wrote on 17 Nov 2015 18:31:
Beautiful post, man. And I'd like to clarify what guarding613 refers to...

The danger in SA is not from 'SA' itself. Rather, it is from the honesty of the people in the rooms. What the Kotzker would plotz for a crumb of, is in plenty in SA meetings.

And that's actually poisonous for many people who don't really need to be honest with themselves. Some may say that's bad, some may say it's good, some may say "They ought to tone down their honesty in meetings so that more of us normal people can visit." But normal people don't come to SA meetings. Normal people really don't need the honesty. Being open about exactly what they have done is unnecessary! Since they are not addicts, they can actually get along OK by sweeping it under the rug...until Elul and Yom Kippur comes along, at least. And I am happy about that. It works for them.

For addicts, it just does not work. That's the only reason we do otherwise - we are not in recovery for Hashem. We are honest and know we are in recovery for our own sake. Even if a proven Novi came and gave a hora'as sho'oh that we should all masturbate or use porn, recovering sexaholics like myself would not do it. We know we'd be completely p'turim from it. Sure we may have as much yir'as Shomayim as a non-addict...but the tum'ah or sinfulness of it is not what we focus on any more. That's for normals. For us, we know we did it for years over and over even though we knew it was assur! And we knew that using the yetzer hora/Teshuvah model we stopped successfully!

...hundreds of times.

Torah was definitely the way to stop, for us.

And to stop again.

And again.

Finally, we had to come to terms with the fact that playing a 'yetzer hora game' was a thing we had to outgrow if we were to have any hope of staying stopped. That is why even if porn and masturbation were somehow mitzvos, we addicts alone still couldn't use them. For a real addict, stopping cannot be for G-d. Even if we'd be doing it for G-d, it'd still be for someone else - sorry. It only works when it is for him or herself. Enlightened self-interest, as the Big Book calls it.

The 'dangerous' people they refer to in SA meetings are just honest people, bH. We sexaholics who attend those meetings every week (or more often) have finally found a precious place where we can practice self-honesty by continually opening up truly to others. Can't do that in yeshiva, can't do it in shul. We found a place to tell the truth without shame and judgement by others, b"H - as the Rebbe R Elimelech of Lizhensk suggested to all normal (non-addict) people to find for themselves. Most of us tried that...and just found people even more confused about lust and sexuality that we were. We found well-meaning people who advised us to 'grow up already', to 'use our self-control', to 'learn more Tanya' (I was advised that), to 'distract ourselves', etc., etc. All the while protecting us from ourselves by encouraging us not to be fully honest and open for concerns of nivul peh, 'tzniyus', etc. They let us get away with just describing our problem as 'shmiras eynayim' or 'zera levatola' the mean time we were busy having trance-like, ritualized love affairs with naked images, fantasy sex characters, or real ones...or at least, completing the fantasies using our hands. Things were far uglier and bigger than a 'wasting sperm' issue. Nu. Some even encouraged us to keep hiding behind fake names, usernames, or told us that remaining completely secret from all real people was called 'anonymity', when it really was something else. It was hiding. Only by coming out in a safe place did we find we could start getting free, be"H.

So SA meetings are not for anyone who still needs to hide - or can tolerate hiding. I figure they should probably keep doing that...till they can't any longer. Then they will be ready and will go to it and be fine.

Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)
Last Edit: 24 Aug 2020 13:06 by stillgoing.
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