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TOPIC: New member - Colin 13239 Views

Re: New member - Colin 06 Jan 2019 04:58 #338228

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So what's the plan for the future?
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: New member - Colin 06 Jan 2019 17:04 #338236

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Good question.

Everything I have written on here, all my good intentions, fall by the wayside when I get very lonely or stressed.

It is clear that after many years struggling with this, I have only found things that work on a temporary basis.

My longest clean time was about eight or nine months.

So I have no foolproof plan.

I can only try and not be too hard on myself, eat well, exercise, do personal prayer when stressed.
And do by best to be clear-minded enough to avoid triggers.
And most importantly of all, be strong enough to battle triggers which are outside my control, because triggers will happen.
Last Edit: 07 Jan 2019 00:31 by ColinColin.

Re: New member - Colin 06 Jan 2019 20:33 #338241

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hi! 
i would humbly suggest to fight the battle by hour. meaning: devide the hours of the day in 4 = 6 \ after 6 hours clean. your ego gets a boost, so if you fall its not a DAY =24 hours. you just hop up on the train again... 

I do it it works b"h.

chazal say a averah is a very thin thread ... every hour makes a stronger thread. by the end of a Day its getting stronger. so we need to STOP before it has a chance to get stronger. 

ALL the BEST

Re: New member - Colin 08 Jan 2019 18:19 #338294

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I find in my own experience that I have to be working on two fronts- one is that I have to limit my access to inappropriate stuff on a serious level. That’s for two reasons- even if I’m emotionally doing great and I’m not going to look for things, in am impulsive moment of curiosity where I just want to read the article about that movie and then google about the actress and then see....

the other is to work on my emotional well-being, because that’s what will stop the need in the first place. In my experience when I do both I can succeed consistently. 

Re: New member - Colin 08 Jan 2019 19:20 #338297

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workingguy

Thank you!

You took the words out of my mouth.

I have been reading about our "strugle" and am convinced that for myself, and it seems yourself too, there are two things at work.

One -  is lust, which as you wrote, can be triggered by images, whether in real life or online.

Two -  is emotional pain, which then prompts me to seek comfort, which in my case is through pornography/acting out etc.
(This reason for falling is much more prevalent for me than lust.)

I have been reading a lot about self-destructive behaviour, and finally found an answer to a question which has bugged me for ages.

How is it that when I am about to fall, I can tell myself all kinds of logical reasons not to fall, but my urge to fall overrides them?

I had put this down to weak will power.

But after reading, I found out that some people really feel emotions strongly, and when in this emotional low state, the urge to seek pleasure is actually an urge to remove deep emotional pain.
So this overrides all logic.


It is why people repeatedly fall.
(And I have been so confused as to how I managed to stay clean for seven months but then fell, really confused.)

So what I read is that people, and this really describes me, can stay clean for a period of time by denying their emotions.
It is like a kettle which continually boils, at first the physical lid of the kettle keeps in the steam.
But eventually that steam pressure is too great and the lid gives way...the steam (emotions) pour out at once and we get overwhelmed.

I am now working on "Mindfulness" to try and counteract this.

Not something I have done before, so I will report back on how it works for me.

The article which prompted this line of thinking is in the link below.
I found it after an internet search, as this last time I fell was so confusing.
Most things felt as if they were going great for me in life, yet I fell, and that really confused me.
But I was suppressing emotional pain which then boiled over.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior
Last Edit: 08 Jan 2019 21:02 by ColinColin.

Re: New member - Colin 09 Jan 2019 02:55 #338310

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What you are describing is similar to the Dr Sarno theory that proposes that much physical pain really is caused by the suppressing of emotions. There is much proof to this mehalech. Wishing you success.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: New member - Colin 09 Jan 2019 03:20 #338311

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ColinColin wrote on 08 Jan 2019 19:20:
workingguy

Thank you!

You took the words out of my mouth.

I have been reading about our "strugle" and am convinced that for myself, and it seems yourself too, there are two things at work.

One -  is lust, which as you wrote, can be triggered by images, whether in real life or online.

Two -  is emotional pain, which then prompts me to seek comfort, which in my case is through pornography/acting out etc.
(This reason for falling is much more prevalent for me than lust.)

I have been reading a lot about self-destructive behaviour, and finally found an answer to a question which has bugged me for ages.

How is it that when I am about to fall, I can tell myself all kinds of logical reasons not to fall, but my urge to fall overrides them?

I had put this down to weak will power.

But after reading, I found out that some people really feel emotions strongly, and when in this emotional low state, the urge to seek pleasure is actually an urge to remove deep emotional pain.
So this overrides all logic.


It is why people repeatedly fall.
(And I have been so confused as to how I managed to stay clean for seven months but then fell, really confused.)

So what I read is that people, and this really describes me, can stay clean for a period of time by denying their emotions.
It is like a kettle which continually boils, at first the physical lid of the kettle keeps in the steam.
But eventually that steam pressure is too great and the lid gives way...the steam (emotions) pour out at once and we get overwhelmed.

I am now working on "Mindfulness" to try and counteract this.

Not something I have done before, so I will report back on how it works for me.

The article which prompted this line of thinking is in the link below.
I found it after an internet search, as this last time I fell was so confusing.
Most things felt as if they were going great for me in life, yet I fell, and that really confused me.
But I was suppressing emotional pain which then boiled over.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior

Great post. Regarding the question as to why one can be clean for a while then boil over. Sometimes is just nothing was fixed in the first place. 

Like I was clean first three of marriage after acting out for 7 years before. I don't think I was a kettle all those years although I can definitely identify unhealthy lust. I think rather I told myself, for so many years marriage would keep me clean so my willpower was much higher. Similar to when I first startrd posting here, I was clean for 110 days, because the rush of "opening up" probably created a false sense of renewed will. And I told myself, wheni post that's the last straw, no acting out after that...

Anyway I don't know what you did in your case and what helped your 87 days. But I think the underlying point is, we can never go to sleep at the wheel.

All the best

Re: New member - Colin 09 Jan 2019 16:35 #338326

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Thank you Hashem Help Me and Hakolhevel

Hakolhevel

You are very right.
The idea  "We can never go to sleep at the wheel" is almost my new thinking too, though I tweak it with a positive slant at the end of my post

I had previously set targets, such as "I will stay clean for this week because at the end of the week is a Bar Mitzvah and I want to be clean when I attend it".
But that approach only worked short-term.
Once the target had been met I would fall, and as I posted, sometimes I would fall just before it with a bad mindstate of "I almost made it, I have done well, so what does it matter if I fall now?"

So now my new approach is similar to that of a recovering alcoholic, who recognises that he lives with an illness that can strike every day, so has to be aware of this every day for the rest of his life.

This I think is evident by you staying clean for three years then falling.
Three years is an amazing achievement. Kol Tov!

But if someone can fall after three clean years, then for sure, to paraphrase your post with a positive spin, "We must always stay awake at the wheel."
Last Edit: 09 Jan 2019 20:11 by ColinColin.

Re: New member - Colin 19 Feb 2019 00:56 #339051

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Had a test today, thank Hashem I am still clean.
Faced a let down in my prsonal life aand also was tired.
So I had half of the HALT warnign sign
Both Angry (Resentful)
and
Tired

But Gam Zu Le Tova, the let down was for the good.

Thankfully i was aware I was in a vulnerable state and was able to have presence of mind to respond proactively.
Tonight I called friends....the ability to talk helped calm me down.

I also just saw this short lesson on the week's Parsha...Ki Tisa...

....very interesting as it explains how we are stronger AFTER we face a challenge...very relevant to us on this forum.

It is on youtube about Ki Tisa by 
Rabbi Yitzhok Minkowicz 
published on 17 February 2019
Last Edit: 19 Feb 2019 00:58 by ColinColin.

Re: New member - Colin 19 Feb 2019 14:59 #339066

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Good news. A lot of this is about learning new patterns to deal with the pain and challenge of life. I know someone unfortunately who spends at least one day a week in a bar claiming this is just what gets them through the week. However, after knowing this person for a while it seems more to me that the atitude toward the rest of the week is what lands them in the bar to begin with. We are the same albeit with a different vice. At teh end of teh day we are a little luckier though than alcoholics as if one really wants, they can get themselves a filter that more or less works and remove most of the challenge. Alcoholics face it everywhere every day and there is no way to banish it. just my two shekels for today... 

Keep it up man.. work on your internal and external environment and you'll get to where you want to be. 

Re: New member - Colin 19 Feb 2019 22:02 #339079

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Thank you OTR.
And yes, in the Western World alcoholics are surrounded by bars and pubs.
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