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It's a new year, and it is time I started posting
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TOPIC: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 32623 Views

It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Sep 2014 22:48 #240430

I've been a member here for close to a year. I've used the 90 chart (initially I was able to print a calendar, which I kept hanging by my bed, though I can't seem to figure out how to do so anymore) and found that reading the posts helped me refocus when I started falling into lust.

For a long time I thought that I could benefit from the site without posting, but seeing as I have slipped a few times, it is time I started.

Over the last 10 months or so while utilizing the resources here I have noticed a number of things:

1. My primary issue with m is at night. I have had trouble sleeping most of my life and I often get into trouble late at night when I cannot sleep. For the most part it is not an issue of fantasizing, but of frustration and discomfort. Laying in bed unable to sleep is incredibly frustrating and I often feel pressure "below" (not sure if pressure is the right word, but some sort "itch" that wants to be scratched) which itself makes it more difficult to sleep. I have fallen 3 times in the last 10 months or so and each time it was this kind of situation.

2. Besides for fully falling, I often find myself distracted by pretty girls. Again not fantasizing about them, but simply wanting to sit there and look at them. I feel like dirt when I am sitting with people I am fairly close to and find myself wanting to just look at them. I have some theories on why I notice looks so much (as a kid it always seemed like the good looking people in school were more popular, were having a better time etc. and I think that as someone who often felt like an outsider, this connection is deeply rooted...)

3. While it has not been my primary issue, I know I should be doing more to keep myself safe on the internet. I have tried a number of filters for my laptop and smartphone, but have struggled (primarily with the phone) to find something that does not slow my phone or limit other functionality significantly. Since I know night is my primary struggle I keep my phone far from my room at night but I know that that is not enough.


After falling again this past Friday night (I would express shock that it's the day after Rosh Hashana, but I know that in my case, no matter how meaningful and uplifting Rosh Hashana or any other day is, when I get caught up, and when I have tried to sleep for hours and cannot fall asleep, it does not matter much). What I realized though was that if I was not willing to post, I was basically saying to Hashem (and myself) that I wanted to stop, but not enough that I was really willing to do much about it (beyond the personal private struggle etc.)

With this new year, Bez"H I'm going to build the courage to do what I need to do to set up myself up for success (and allow Hashem to do the rest.)

I know many have gotten past this stage and are not nervous posting but it has taken me a while to get here. So I'm going to take a deep breath now and just hit "submit" since I think if I start going back and proofreading and editing I might decide to just delete the post, so take it for what it is...

Note: If someone could show me how to print a new calendar I'd appreciate it. Having it as a reminder next to my bed was a help and I'd love to do so again.
Last Edit: 28 Sep 2014 22:49 by Hatzileini Na.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Sep 2014 23:10 #240431

  • Shlomo24
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hey bro, great first step man. takes a lot of courage to step out of the darkness. know that hashem doesn't give anyone a test that they cant pass. keep on fighting my man. take it day by day, dont focus on yesterday and tomorrow 2 much, also u gotta know that tefillah is the key and keep on davening to hashem, when he sees u take the firs step, he will reciprocate. i am talking from experience.
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Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Sep 2014 23:15 #240432

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WELCOME!!!!!!!!

I know exactly what you mean about falling to help sleeping. By any chance, do you have stress problems?

Check out: Skep's tips
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 
Last Edit: 28 Sep 2014 23:15 by dms1234.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Sep 2014 23:20 #240433

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Welcome to posting!

We're all in the same boat and we're looking forward to getting to know you!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Sep 2014 23:30 #240435

  • Watson
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Welcome!

We're all in this together, Keep on posting!

It doesn't surprise me at all that you fell on Friday. I think there are more falls than normal davka at this time of year. I think for addicts we can feel so holy after yomim noraim that we lose sight of our powerlessness. I have no idea if that applies to you or not. Are you an addict? Are you sure?

I actually downloaded the 90 day chart when it was available on the website so I can email you a copy. Please message me with your email address and I'll send it to you.

Make sure to see the 12 suggestions on the First Time Here page.

Also, check out your Personal Home-page. It will guide you through each tool/task that we suggest, one by one, and help you track your progress in recovery.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 29 Sep 2014 00:00 #240443

  • cordnoy
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Welcome aboard!
good move to post your story, or some of it at least.
It's a kind of exhalin' factor that you actually got some of it out.
take your time feelin' your way around here; although I guess you did some of that already.
we all have different triggers or stressers, but we are in the same predicament of sorts.

b'hatzlachah on your journey.

Make sure your next post doesn't take as much time as it took to convince yourself with the first post.

the chevra here is a gamechanger!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
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"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 29 Sep 2014 00:03 #240444

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WELCOME ABOARD!!!

Yes that was a great step in the right direction. May this one lead to many many more.

We are all looking forward to seeing you around and hearing from you.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK and KOMT!!!!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 29 Sep 2014 00:30 #240449

Thanks to everyone for the welcome.

dms1234 wrote:
WELCOME!!!!!!!!

I know exactly what you mean about falling to help sleeping. By any chance, do you have stress problems?

Check out: Skep's tips


I do struggle handling stress, although my sleep issues seem to extend beyond stress (although I don't know that for sure). I've had trouble sleeping since I was a young child. That said, I know that stress is unhealthy and exacerbates all sorts of issues.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 29 Sep 2014 01:53 #240461

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Work on stress. Do you frequent the computer much before bed? Maybe try a hot tea or a shower? Read before bed. Maybe go see a doctor?
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 29 Sep 2014 12:31 #240479

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Hatzileini Na wrote:


1. My primary issue with m is at night. I have had trouble sleeping most of my life and I often get into trouble late at night when I cannot sleep. For the most part it is not an issue of fantasizing, but of frustration and discomfort. Laying in bed unable to sleep is incredibly frustrating and I often feel pressure "below" (not sure if pressure is the right word, but some sort "itch" that wants to be scratched) which itself makes it more difficult to sleep. I have fallen 3 times in the last 10 months or so and each time it was this kind of situation.

2. Besides for fully falling, I often find myself distracted by pretty girls. Again not fantasizing about them, but simply wanting to sit there and look at them. I feel like dirt when I am sitting with people I am fairly close to and find myself wanting to just look at them. I have some theories on why I notice looks so much (as a kid it always seemed like the good looking people in school were more popular, were having a better time etc. and I think that as someone who often felt like an outsider, this connection is deeply rooted...)

3. While it has not been my primary issue, I know I should be doing more to keep myself safe on the internet. I have tried a number of filters for my laptop and smartphone, but have struggled (primarily with the phone) to find something that does not slow my phone or limit other functionality significantly. Since I know night is my primary struggle I keep my phone far from my room at night but I know that that is not enough.



1. As other guys said perhaps try to find a real solution to the sleeping thing. There are alot of good advice to sleeping all over the internet (I guess that will depend on how strong your filter is)
Perhaps find a routine to unwind while still out of bed with a book or music, and only go to your bed when you are really tired enough to fall asleep. Get alot of good books. there are alot of good short story books available in the sefarim stores, also there are many gemachim with an unlimited number of books to borrow. Books have really helped me relax and unwind before falling asleep while not having my mind just wander aimlessly.

2. I am not sure there is something wrong with you that you want to look at pretty girls. I remember a rebbe of mine when i was in high school talking about why we shouldn't be going mixed swimming. One statement sticks out in my memory "If you can be in such a place and not want to look you are either sick or dead"
Your many theories might only be good excuses to keep looking. forget the excuses threories and start training yourself slowly and one day at a time, to not look.
Most of the guys here have the same issue, hence the name Guard Your EYES

3. A tip that I have used for a long time was to not have browser access on my phone. I had an app that locked the browser and my wife had the code. I originally thought that it would be difficult but really there was nothing that I needed to do specifically on the internet that couldn't wait till i got to my computer. I made a special folder in my email for emails that have to be dealt with on the computer. It is very refreshing and in a certain sense lends to more efficiancy since those things that were require internet are accomplished faster on the computer than on the phone.

To sum up everything, Welcome and KOT!!!!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 30 Sep 2014 08:55 #240547

Good advice the last one!

Regarding the issue of the filter, if you are not married, get help on your father, or your Rabbi if you feel ashamed.

keep on going!

For Your lap top, try Net Nanny, you will pay some 30 us, but is a little better than K9, if you want set up the white list only, but the white list only limits functionality of many programs as the antivirus.

If you have an Android phone use "APP Lock" and block your browsers outside K9, also block Youtube, if you do not need block social networks such as twitter, facebook, and any other app with free internet access. and finally block playstore because if you have free access to playsore then you in some time will install a browser or other bad app.

By the way you can also add Avast mobile Scurity! this app just block 2 apps, bu set up it to avoid unistall App Lock,

You must not have the password other wise you will fall again...
Last Edit: 30 Sep 2014 09:07 by UnJovenConfundido.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 30 Sep 2014 09:59 #240549

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UnJovenConfundido wrote:
Good advice the last one!

Regarding the issue of the filter, if you are not married, get help on your father, or your Rabbi if you feel ashamed.

keep on going!

For Your lap top, try Net Nanny, you will pay some 30 us, but is a little better than K9, if you want set up the white list only, but the white list only limits functionality of many programs as the antivirus.

If you have an Android phone use "APP Lock" and block your browsers outside K9, also block Youtube, if you do not need block social networks such as twitter, facebook, and any other app with free internet access. and finally block playstore because if you have free access to playsore then you in some time will install a browser or other bad app.

By the way you can also add Avast mobile Scurity! this app just block 2 apps, bu set up it to avoid unistall App Lock,

You must not have the password other wise you will fall again...



dear ujc (i hope thats enough, because you picked a jumbo jet size username)

it seems that you are a really big fan of filters. and you are right. filters play a very important role in the big picture. i just want to let you know that others say, that one has to add to this, something else.
i am referring to getting to the root of the problem, about why one is turning to lust.
is it some deep buried resentment or hurt, that is taking lust as a numbing pill?
it is painful to dig into ourselves, but maybe worthwhile.
i found that if one just used filters to help himself, sooner or later he will find some kind of device or trick to let out his pain.
i love you all

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 30 Sep 2014 22:35 #240572

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lavi wrote:
Good advice the last one!
i just want to let you know that others say, that one has to add to this, something else.
i am referring to getting to the root of the problem, about why one is turning to lust.
is it some deep buried resentment or hurt, that is taking lust as a numbing pill?
it is painful to dig into ourselves, but maybe worthwhile.
i found that if one just used filters to help himself, sooner or later he will find some kind of device or trick to let out his pain.


lavi is exactly right. usually ppl submit themselves to porn to soothe other stresses, has there been something that is bothering you that you feel you can not deal with? i know for me i had issues like that. don't expect to know right away though, it may take a lot of thought about this, maybe even speak it over with someone you trust because a lot of times having another person there can help.
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com
Last Edit: 30 Sep 2014 22:36 by Shlomo24.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 01 Oct 2014 05:02 #240607

unanumun wrote:


1. As other guys said perhaps try to find a real solution to the sleeping thing. There are alot of good advice to sleeping all over the internet (I guess that will depend on how strong your filter is)
Perhaps find a routine to unwind while still out of bed with a book or music, and only go to your bed when you are really tired enough to fall asleep. Get alot of good books. there are alot of good short story books available in the sefarim stores, also there are many gemachim with an unlimited number of books to borrow. Books have really helped me relax and unwind before falling asleep while not having my mind just wander aimlessly.

2. I am not sure there is something wrong with you that you want to look at pretty girls. I remember a rebbe of mine when i was in high school talking about why we shouldn't be going mixed swimming. One statement sticks out in my memory "If you can be in such a place and not want to look you are either sick or dead"
Your many theories might only be good excuses to keep looking. forget the excuses threories and start training yourself slowly and one day at a time, to not look.
Most of the guys here have the same issue, hence the name Guard Your EYES

3. A tip that I have used for a long time was to not have browser access on my phone. I had an app that locked the browser and my wife had the code. I originally thought that it would be difficult but really there was nothing that I needed to do specifically on the internet that couldn't wait till i got to my computer. I made a special folder in my email for emails that have to be dealt with on the computer. It is very refreshing and in a certain sense lends to more efficiancy since those things that were require internet are accomplished faster on the computer than on the phone.

To sum up everything, Welcome and KOT!!!!


This reply is to everyone. It's been a rough couple of days. Not in the Shemiras Einayim realm but emotionally. I don't know if it's been the realization that things need to change or spending time thinking about my situation but it was killer getting out of bed this morning. (A couple of really rough nights sleeping the past couple of nights definitely have not made it easier.)

My post is in response to everyone but unanunum you covered a number of points so I figured I'd direct the response there:

Thanks everyone for the thoughts and support.

1. The sleep issue has been a real struggle; one I've dealt with since I was a young child. I've gone to sleep clinics, been prescribed a variety of medications, tried herbal supplements etc. without any results. I've tried hypnosis and meditation and again, no help. I've tried (on doctor's recommendations) forcing myself to get up early and not sleep during the day. I've tried winding down from early in the evening so I am relaxed. I've tried music and reading and learning and nothing seems to work. I don't know whether the issue relates to stress or not because it seems to have been a constant in my life regardless of anything else going on and it began as a relatively young child (I can remember at just a few years old laying in bed for a really long time...) If I'm nervous, I can't sleep. If I'm happy I can't sleep. If I'm feeling content I can't sleep. I have had so many nights where I lay in bed four hours, many nights where I've stayed awake past when the birds started chirping and the sun peeked over the horizon. It made Yeshiva incredibly challenging, has been an issue on dates (I'm in Shidduchim) and basically affects all areas of my life. (It's tough to look back at what I've typed because for years I had many people around me who gave me a really hard time for missing Shacharis, falling asleep in Yeshiva etc. and now for the most part I just deal with it, but it certainly brings back some difficult memories.)

2. Regarding looking at people, I'm definitely not looking for excuses and know, and work on not looking. Ultimately at the end of the day the reason does not matter when it comes to what needs to be done, although as someone who has spent a lifetime trying to understand what makes me tick so that I can improve, I do wonder. I do think a huge component is tied to what a number of people have posted about lust and self-soothing and happiness. I feel like because I often have a hard time, things that seem like they can provide happiness/pleasure etc. become intoxicating and maybe somewhat of an obsession if that makes sense.

3. I have an iPhone. I would love a solution that does is less limiting but it's definitely something to think about.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 01 Oct 2014 05:11 #240608

Shlomo24 wrote:


lavi is exactly right. usually ppl submit themselves to porn to soothe other stresses, has there been something that is bothering you that you feel you can not deal with? i know for me i had issues like that. don't expect to know right away though, it may take a lot of thought about this, maybe even speak it over with someone you trust because a lot of times having another person there can help.


Shlomo, for better for worse I am well aware of things that bother me. The confluence of many factors from different areas of my life has made me always feel like an outsider and different. In many areas of life I'm an outlier, often positively so, but always in a way that makes me feel different. And in the Frum community where conformity is (whether explicitly or implicitly) encouraged, and certain forms of personal exploration and development are not encouraged, standing out rarely felt good, even if it was for something positive.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 01 Oct 2014 06:00 #240609

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Hatzileini Na wrote:


Shlomo, for better for worse I am well aware of things that bother me. The confluence of many factors from different areas of my life has made me always feel like an outsider and different. In many areas of life I'm an outlier, often positively so, but always in a way that makes me feel different. And in the Frum community where conformity is (whether explicitly or implicitly) encouraged, and certain forms of personal exploration and development are not encouraged, standing out rarely felt good, even if it was for something positive.


the so called conformity of the frum community isn't supposed to be a code of laws. the conformity is suppose to be something that you want to be part of . for example, all soldiers have the same uniform. if one doesn't feel connected with the community then he will have problems with the conformity because he may feel like someone is telling him a set of riles that he doesn't agree with.

also, if there's insecurity involved (which everyone has to some degree) then standing out at all won't feel good, because you may feel like you are being examined. not feeling good about standing out has nothing to do with conformity. example being in overly structured communities, such as in the communist towns of Russia, many people stood out for there cause. they did not feel bad about their standing out, but they were upset with the conformity. and vice versa, ppl who have issues with standing out but no issues with conformity.

in your case you had problems with the frum community ( i am not saying that you aren't frum, you just had issues like many ppl do) so you felt like you were being a conformist. however, you had insecurities so you did not want to buck the trend and stand out, even though you may have really wanted to.

what could help is dealing with what you see as issues regarding the "me v. frum community" relationship and also trying to be more assertive in areas that you feel need change.

hope this helps. KOT!
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

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Last Edit: 01 Oct 2014 06:01 by Shlomo24.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 01 Oct 2014 07:12 #240612

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Have you tried davening for sleep?
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 02 Oct 2014 08:03 #240701

dms1234 wrote:
Have you tried davening for sleep?


Many, many times. Maybe not enough times though... who knows

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 02 Oct 2014 15:30 #240707

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Take a sefer to bed; it usually works.
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If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 02 Oct 2014 20:08 #240723

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WELCOME! I have been reeeeeally busy lately and haven't posted much (and that may continue until after sukkos ). I just wanted to welcome you. It's hard for me to remember my first post, but I remember I was very nervous. It has definitely changed my life for the better (you can look at what my current post number is)!

I have some good links in my signature. You say "as someone who has spent a lifetime trying to understand what makes me tick so that I can improve". Would you call yourself a perfectionist? I am, but I have learned to "let go" a lot and not stress out about things so much. If you answer "yes", you may want to check out Dr. Sortzkin's website (you may want to check it out regardless). It helped me a lot. I have a link in my signature.

Don't look back, keep posting. The chevra here is great!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 02 Oct 2014 20:27 #240727

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A belated Welcome HN!!

As I'm sure you feel already, there's nothing to be nervous about, we're all in the same boat, all having similar experiences!

See you around!!

Keep on Trucking!!! Keep on Posting!
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Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 02 Oct 2014 21:40 #240733

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cordnoy wrote:
Take a sefer to bed; it usually works.


Or listen to a shiur in bed. Make sure to cut out the last minute of the recording first so you don't get woken up by the scraping of chairs

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 03 Oct 2014 07:04 #240769

gibbor120 wrote:
WELCOME! I have been reeeeeally busy lately and haven't posted much (and that may continue until after sukkos ). I just wanted to welcome you. It's hard for me to remember my first post, but I remember I was very nervous. It has definitely changed my life for the better (you can look at what my current post number is)!

I have some good links in my signature. You say "as someone who has spent a lifetime trying to understand what makes me tick so that I can improve". Would you call yourself a perfectionist? I am, but I have learned to "let go" a lot and not stress out about things so much. If you answer "yes", you may want to check out Dr. Sortzkin's website (you may want to check it out regardless). It helped me a lot. I have a link in my signature.

Don't look back, keep posting. The chevra here is great!


Thanks gibbor120. I printed a couple of articles and look forward to reading them.



Regarding a couple of "take a sefer" comments. I heard it quite a few times growing up, and I've tried it many times. I've had nights when I basically learned the entire night. (Which might sound nice, until you realize it killed the whole week's learning during Yeshiva) More often though I'll learn a little and then not be able to focus, but still not able to fall asleep.

I know the comments were meant in good nature and I know it's probably me just feeling sorry for myself a little at the moment, or maybe it's the looks on people's faces who have said this to me over the years, but hearing things like that mostly feels kind of dismissive of the level of disruption and pain that not sleeping causes and all that goes with it.

Over the years I was shamed and humiliated over and over again, called all sorts of things about, told how I was "lazy," admonished I did not care about things like Z'man Krias Shma, reminded over and over again about the value in getting up early (or on time), got points taken off report cards for missing Shacharis etc. Of course this was all while I'd spend miserable nights laying awake, was almost always completely exhausted during the day, almost always falling asleep in school from the time I was in 6th grade or so through years in Beis Medrash. I constantly felt nauseous and sick to my stomach in mornings and often had headaches from lack of sleep. I struggled to focus on learning and the like because I was too tired to concentrate. Exhaustion has ruined all sorts of other things in my life including wrecking dates (once specifically comes to mind where the girl commented asking someone involved in the Shidduch why in the world I would not make sure to be better rested before a date but I've had numerous dates where I was not close to "on my game" because of how tired I was), hurt internships etc.

If anyone has any eitzos, I'd love to hear. I do think as I work on other areas of my life this will Bez"H improve, and it's a little better now than it used to be (although I had a stretch within the last year where I basically went weeks without sleeping more than an hour or so straight, besides for struggling to fall asleep.
Last Edit: 03 Oct 2014 07:18 by Hatzileini Na.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 03 Oct 2014 13:26 #240776

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My apologies.
Yes, it was in goon nature, and I am sure you have tried that.
It must be frustratin' this situation.
Your positive attitude, however, is an inspiration to us, and should be to you as well.

May God help you in all of these issues.

A gut yar

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Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 03 Oct 2014 19:00 #240781

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From your comments, it seems like your teachers etc. either did not know about your sleep condition, or did not appreciate how much it affected you. Did you tell your dates about your sleep condition?

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 05 Oct 2014 08:32 #240824

I hope everyone's Yom Kippur went well and thank everyone who has posted for the Chizuk. Being lonely and feeling isolated is definitely one of the worst feelings, and one that leads to all sorts of trouble, so having people who are "in a similar boat" and who are taking the time to read and post is appreciated.

cordnoy wrote:
My apologies.
Yes, it was in goon nature, and I am sure you have tried that.
It must be frustratin' this situation.
Your positive attitude, however, is an inspiration to us, and should be to you as well.

May God help you in all of these issues.

A gut yar

b'hatzlachah


No worries. Based on how many times I fell asleep in Yeshiva one would think that it would work

I appreciate the comment about my attitude, although I pretty much feel like all I have been doing is feeling sorry for myself. I do hope to continue spending time here, and share a little more positivity as time goes on.

A gut yar to you as well. I hope your Yom Kippur was uplifting.

gibbor120 wrote:
From your comments, it seems like your teachers etc. either did not know about your sleep condition, or did not appreciate how much it affected you. Did you tell your dates about your sleep condition?


Teachers, family etc. It's not really important though. Thankfully I've reached a point in my life where I understand that it is not something I can really control. I've gotten guidance from my Rebbe on what to when to worry about things like Z'Mand Krias Shma and when you say ones rachmana patrei. Plus my family is now far more understanding. It can still be really disruptive but at least much of the emotional side is much easier.

Regarding dating, I haven't mentioned it on an early date (to explain why I might be tired). Somehow never thought to mention it.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 05 Oct 2014 08:58 #240826

Shlomo24 wrote:
Hatzileini Na wrote:


Shlomo, for better for worse I am well aware of things that bother me. The confluence of many factors from different areas of my life has made me always feel like an outsider and different. In many areas of life I'm an outlier, often positively so, but always in a way that makes me feel different. And in the Frum community where conformity is (whether explicitly or implicitly) encouraged, and certain forms of personal exploration and development are not encouraged, standing out rarely felt good, even if it was for something positive.


the so called conformity of the frum community isn't supposed to be a code of laws. the conformity is suppose to be something that you want to be part of . for example, all soldiers have the same uniform. if one doesn't feel connected with the community then he will have problems with the conformity because he may feel like someone is telling him a set of riles that he doesn't agree with.

also, if there's insecurity involved (which everyone has to some degree) then standing out at all won't feel good, because you may feel like you are being examined. not feeling good about standing out has nothing to do with conformity. example being in overly structured communities, such as in the communist towns of Russia, many people stood out for there cause. they did not feel bad about their standing out, but they were upset with the conformity. and vice versa, ppl who have issues with standing out but no issues with conformity.

in your case you had problems with the frum community ( i am not saying that you aren't frum, you just had issues like many ppl do) so you felt like you were being a conformist. however, you had insecurities so you did not want to buck the trend and stand out, even though you may have really wanted to.

what could help is dealing with what you see as issues regarding the "me v. frum community" relationship and also trying to be more assertive in areas that you feel need change.

hope this helps. KOT!


Thanks for the thoughts. I've been giving this a bit of thought which is why I did not post immediately. Hopefully some of the ideas I am thinking come through and make at least a little sense.

I definitely think that are highlighting a valid point. Conformity does not need to be negative, that is definitely true. I think you are also hitting on a point that I have spent a lot of time thinking of and that is that the challenge of peer pressure can be created in an environment even if all the people involved are not trying to make it that way, or are happy with the situation. For example, if everyone in a school is happy acting a certain way, it creates a standard that others may feel pressure to adopt, even if no one in the group was trying to create that standard.

When I talk about conforming, I'm not really talking about things like dressing a certain way. I'm referring to things like the fact that most mainstream Yeshivas focus on Gemara for the vast majority of the today, and teach Gemara in similar fashion. If one is looking for a Yeshiva that focuses less on Gemara it is either because the school is more "to the left" and or because it caters to weaker students. This means that for many kids (and parents) there is no real choice on this. Further, the way that Gemara is taught is fairly consistent across Yeshivas (to the best of my knowledge) despite the fact that there are other ways of teaching. In Kiruv Yeshivas, they spend far more time focusing on the skills needed to understand how Gemaras work and are structured. And Ramchal wrote numerous Seforim (Derech Tevunos, Sefer Hahigayon and Sefer Hamelitza, which were recently published in a single volume with English translation) that discuss the internal logic of the Gemara and logic.

Similarly, there are certain subjects that get little attention in many Yeshivas, including "secular" subjects and subjects related to art and creativity. For students who are intellectually curious, and/or who appreciate and connect to art and artistic endeavors, their strengths get overlooked if not dismissed and mocked.

A common result is that kids who do not thrive in the specific areas that the Yeshivas focus on, end up feeling negatively about themselves, and struggle to find their self worth within the system, resulting in them struggling emotionally, or leaving.

The ridiculousness of this reality is highlighted when one notes a number of facts:
1. Long before people like Howard Gardner highlighted the idea of "multiple intelligences" Chazal spoke about "Chanoch L'Na'ar Al Pi Darko." Further, the Gemara indicates that even a trait like a desire to kill can be fundamental and so such a person should become a Shochet and the like. Yet in Yeshivas we rarely take the time to acknowledge these differences. (Now I know that Yeshivas has severe limitations financially and practically as a Rebbe is trying to balance the divergent needs of a classroom of students, but at least the talents can be acknowledged.)

In many cases, the areas of interest are ones that Gedolim have thrived at through the generations and can be taught from a Jewish standpoint. Sefer Hamelitza from the Ramchal is a guide to grammar. Studying the Piyutim, Kinnos and the writing of so many Meforshim on Chumash (Maharal comes to mind immediately) is a study in poetry and metaphor. (In fact, the Seforim write that the whole physical world is a metaphor designed to teach our physical bodies about Hashem, since the physical cannot connect directly to the spiritual, but can be taught through metaphor.) And many of the Gedolim through the years were highly knowledgeable in the science of their day, as they needed to understand how to apply Halacha.

I'm not sure where I want to go with this, and it's late so I'm going to stop here and maybe continue tomorrow...

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 05 Oct 2014 22:18 #240865

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ok, i read ur post. im not fully sure where u are going, but i think you are trying to point out that there shouldn't be one track for judaism. i think i can relate to you b/c i am in a very intense yeshiva. i do not share the same ideas as all of them, for example, i want to become a clinical psychologist, which is at least 8 yrs of school. however, what i have realized is i take the positive out of my situation, the positive definitely overrides the negative, albeit the negative is there.

i first was focusing on why i didn't fit and why i don't like the system. now i focus on how the system has made me a better person, and how i have grown with my yeshivas mihalech halimud. the areas that i don't agree with my peers i try to think rationally about. if i am right, then great! if not then i try to rethink things.

the fact that people are doing it slightly different around me doesn't matter, it's my life, not theirs. i shouldn't put my sheetas on them just like i don't want them to do to me.

you seem like a really learned person, but i have the sense that you didn't make peace with urself completely in regards to not needing to fit in. correct me if i am wrong. if you make peace internally then, and only then, can u change ur surroundings. how many pl do u know that wanna "change the world" and say that "they're doing it all wrong", but dont even have themselves worked out? accept urself, u are coming from a totally logical and reasonable standpoint. if u dont fit with "them", well who cares about them? u can always raise ur family and urself with the message that not being like everyone else isn't the worst thing. i know of many successful, frum, amazing families like that.

YTC!

[btw i also have sleeping issues, 1 am chavrusas? :) dms suggested it]
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Last Edit: 05 Oct 2014 22:23 by Shlomo24.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 06 Oct 2014 07:11 #240923

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Hatzlacha raba in tge fight! Have you tried to drink warm milk to help fall asleep? A refua shilaima!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 15 Oct 2014 03:49 #241336

Hey everyone,

I fell badly over the first days of Yom Tov and fell 3 days in a row, something I had not done in a very long time. (The few times I'd fallen in the previous year, I was always able to bounce back and move forward.)

I was sick pretty much the first days of Yom Tov and between not feeling well and not sleeping I got into trouble.

Over the last few I've been doing a lot of thinking and I feel like I may want to go speak to a professional. Feeling pretty down now, but I think that it's an important realization. Well beyond this issue (not that this is not important in it of itself) there are things I've been carrying for way too long, and I think that sorting those out may help all around...

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 15 Oct 2014 06:15 #241342

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Hatzlacha raba! It may also help to join an SA group.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 20 Oct 2014 14:37 #241487

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
Hey everyone,

I fell badly over the first days of Yom Tov and fell 3 days in a row, something I had not done in a very long time. (The few times I'd fallen in the previous year, I was always able to bounce back and move forward.)

I was sick pretty much the first days of Yom Tov and between not feeling well and not sleeping I got into trouble.

Over the last few I've been doing a lot of thinking and I feel like I may want to go speak to a professional. Feeling pretty down now, but I think that it's an important realization. Well beyond this issue (not that this is not important in it of itself) there are things I've been carrying for way too long, and I think that sorting those out may help all around...


sounds like a good move to me. [I should continue with my professional; haven't done so in some time.]

Keep us posted please.

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 25 Oct 2014 01:20 #241960

cordnoy wrote:
Hatzileini Na wrote:
Hey everyone,

I fell badly over the first days of Yom Tov and fell 3 days in a row, something I had not done in a very long time. (The few times I'd fallen in the previous year, I was always able to bounce back and move forward.)

I was sick pretty much the first days of Yom Tov and between not feeling well and not sleeping I got into trouble.

Over the last few I've been doing a lot of thinking and I feel like I may want to go speak to a professional. Feeling pretty down now, but I think that it's an important realization. Well beyond this issue (not that this is not important in it of itself) there are things I've been carrying for way too long, and I think that sorting those out may help all around...


sounds like a good move to me. [I should continue with my professional; haven't done so in some time.]

Keep us posted please.

b'hatzlachah


It's hard to actually make that phone call, and it seems like I usually start doing ok when I decide I should go in that direction.

Getting back to a more normal schedule has helped and things have been going pretty well B"H.

Gut Shabbos to all.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 09 Nov 2014 10:19 #242971

gibbor120 wrote:
WELCOME! I have been reeeeeally busy lately and haven't posted much (and that may continue until after sukkos ). I just wanted to welcome you. It's hard for me to remember my first post, but I remember I was very nervous. It has definitely changed my life for the better (you can look at what my current post number is)!

I have some good links in my signature. You say "as someone who has spent a lifetime trying to understand what makes me tick so that I can improve". Would you call yourself a perfectionist? I am, but I have learned to "let go" a lot and not stress out about things so much. If you answer "yes", you may want to check out Dr. Sortzkin's website (you may want to check it out regardless). It helped me a lot. I have a link in my signature.

Don't look back, keep posting. The chevra here is great!


I decided to go back and read through the posts in this thread for Chizuk. When I came your thread Gibbor120 again this time it caught my attention because I do think I struggle with perfectionism.

One of the challenges for me is that I have not found a way to remain vigilant in some areas while letter go of perfectionism in others. In the past when I have tried to "be easier on myself" I have found that I quickly spiral into negative behaviors and this seems to be the reality in so many areas of my life. I know the perfectionism is not healthy, but I'm just not sure how to safely relax it.

I've read a couple of the articles but did not see anything that particularly addressed this point. Do you know of one?

Thanks!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 10 Nov 2014 22:05 #243071

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You make a good point, and I have struggled with that question as well.

If you have read and/or listened to Dr. Sorotzkin, I'm not sure how much I can add. I will try anyway. One thing that helped me was to realize that I am not in control. I can do G-d's will to the best of my ability, and that's all.

A lot of perfectionism is based on feeling low. So, if I am perfect no one (including G-d) can have tainos on me. Then I get stressed because, hard as I try, I am not perfect, and I'm trying to escape the wrath of Hashem and people. So-and-so over there learns better than me. This one has more money. This one has is more popular, or has a nicer voice. The list is endless.

If I focus on serving G-d to the best of MY ability, with the talents that G-d gave ME, and let go of my stress. The more I realize that all I can do is try, and the outcome is in Hashem's hand, the less stress I feel.

I'll give a fictional example. I'd like to be on time to shul. So, I keep checking my watch, I want to leave at a certain time. Then one of the kids needs something, so I yell, because I'm uptight, because I HAVE to be on time. I mean the KING is waiting for me. I put tons of pressure on myself. The light is turning red so I plow through and almost hit a pedestrian and cause a chillul Hashem.

Instead, I can say. I was going to be on time, but one of my children, one of Hashems children needs something. What is the right decision right now? To take care of him. I am running late. It's ok. I can't control everything. The light turned red, and I will be even later. Again, there's nothing I can do. It's out of my control.

I hope I illustrated a certain mindset. When I change my mindset to do what Hashem wants right now, my stress level goes way down. When I think I have to make it to shul or Hashem will be angry with me, I'm not really serving Hashem. I'm worried about my own schar v'onesh.

Some of this is hard to convey in words. I hope it helps.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Nov 2014 03:51 #244240

Gibbor

Thanks for the thoughts. I'm hoping one day I can "make sense" of the balance between striving from a positive place and striving from a negative place. I saw a study that distinguished between 2 types of ambition, I'll have to try and dig it up and see if this time around I can comprehend.

All that said, I'm trying to focus on doing the right thing. "Giving myself over to Hashem" as I understand it, when I'm having a hard time etc. B"H things seem to be going pretty ok. I realized I mostly post when things seem really down, so I figure Thanksgiving is a good time to post that B"H things are going ok. Thanks to everyone who has posted in the past and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and post going forward.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Nov 2014 04:23 #244241

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I know from myself that it's easier for me to make productive changes and initiatives when I am on a high.

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If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 25 Dec 2014 04:43 #245732

Wanted to stop by and post. B"H things have been going pretty well for me. Taking things a day at a time, but also trying to do what I need to, to move myself forward in a positive fashion. I started speaking to a therapist and God-willing that will help. B"H I think I've been moving forward in many areas of life and just hope and pray it continues.

Thanks to all for the ongoing support. I hope to be more active here with other members as well providing Chizuk instead of just taking.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 12 Jan 2015 01:12 #246996

Just passed 90 days, though not concerned that this will mean that the challenge will just disappear

In fact, the last couple of days have been the hardest in the last few months.

I came hear to post in my thread, but jumped to a few other threads and read the struggles some others have been having and tried to offer some Chizuk and it seems like that has helped me get into a better frame of mind B"H.

The journey will continue on one day at a time Bez"H.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 12 Jan 2015 03:06 #247006

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Mazel tov! Hetzileini, you have reached Tzadik days, may Hashem give you many years as a real Tzadik, day by day, Amen.
הסיבה שיש דברים קשים העוברים עליך היא בגלל שהאדם חושב כי "אני עומד" שהוא מנהל הכל,
ברגע שיתן הכנעה כי השי"ת מנהיג הכל אז כבר אפשר להתמודד עם הקשיים. שמעתי מאדם גדול

If life is a LEMON make LEMONADE

Thank You Hashem for every moment of Sobriety!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 12 Jan 2015 12:29 #247035

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MAZEL TOV HN!!!!

Your doing great.

KUTGW!!!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 27 Jan 2015 22:47 #247719

Slipped...

As I posted earlier in the thread, I often have trouble sleeping. A few nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep. Laying in bed unable to sleep for hours I ended up slipping.

On one hand I am comfortable with the idea that what happened happened and there's nothing I can do about that. (And I wasn't looking at anything inappropriate etc.) I've put a bit of thought into how to prevent this from occurring in the future and am in a good frame of mine.

At the same time I'm kind of bummed because I didn't want to "break the streak" even though I know that that's not what really matters.

It's really silly, but I actually stayed away from the site for quite a few days because I did not want to reset my number. So stupid, but whatever... onwards and upwards.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 27 Jan 2015 23:12 #247721

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You are amongst friends - no matter what happens.

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GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 27 Apr 2015 04:57 #253166

It's been a while since I've posted, and it's been a really strange time for me.

Things had been extremely stressful for a while (coming from all directions) and I found myself gravitating to watching things I definitely should not have on my phone. As strange as it might sounds, my phone was never really a trigger for me. I had had a filter for a while but it was incredibly frustrating to use, so I got rid of it a while back, and was fine. Recently that seems to have changed. Somehow discovering there was a "private" option on the iPhone changed things.

Searching on this site I found the way to set strong limitations on the search function for the iPhone (using the child restrictions and the like) and while it has been a bit limiting in other areas, I know it is a small sacrifice for my sanity.

Meanwhile, somehow at the same time, I've been finding ways to break through positively in other areas. I've been doing more socializing, putting in efforts to have fun and find ways to de-stress, and overall I've been actually pretty happy with the growth in these areas over the last couple of months. It almost feels as if I am allowing myself to not be such a perfectionist, but to work to find joy in my life knowing that the more I can do so, and the more I can be engaged in positive things, the easier other struggles will become.

I'm really kind of confused as far as what to make of these seemingly contradictory happenings as I certainly don't want to be fooling myself and using these "changes" as a means to slip in other areas.

I've fallen quite a bit over the last little while, helped along by some very challenging circumstances (to me anyways) but B"H I feel like I can take this and grow from it.

Thanks to all who still take the time to stop and read and empathize.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 03 May 2015 11:24 #253728

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Welcome back to posting, don't be a stranger!

A couple of things that I've found helpful are:

1) Being happy, finding things to be happy about

2) Staying connected even during tough times

Hatzlacha!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 03 May 2015 14:13 #253736

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skeptical
A couple of things that I've found helpful are:

1) Being happy, finding things to be happy about

2) Staying connected even during tough times


Ty skeptical. I have really found #2 to be very helpful to me. Because even though I seem to have become addicted to GYE, since it is always on my mind, whenever I begin to start slipping, all of the guys here on the GYE forum pop into my mind, and I say "Gee, If so many guys are working so hard on this, can't I hold back this time." Since I'm (in skeptical words) "Staying connected even during tough times", it always stays in my mind.
BIG SHOT!
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Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)
Last Edit: 03 May 2015 14:19 by stillgoing.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 04 May 2015 03:41 #253798

stillgoing wrote:
skeptical
A couple of things that I've found helpful are:

1) Being happy, finding things to be happy about

2) Staying connected even during tough times


Ty skeptical. I have really found #2 to be very helpful to me. Because even though I seem to have become addicted to GYE, since it is always on my mind, whenever I begin to start slipping, all of the guys here on the GYE forum pop into my mind, and I say "Gee, If so many guys are working so hard on this, can't I hold back this time." Since I'm (in skeptical words) "Staying connected even during tough times", it always stays in my mind.


Both are important reminders. The first one particularly resonates with me, and is something I have been trying to work on actively. For much of my life I was resigned to being unhappy, feeling like there was nothing I could do. For me it was not so much the mental encouragement that I needed (I had read tons on reframing and on focusing on positives etc. and all it did for me was make me feel worse.) Recently I have been much more actively trying to find things to do that I enjoy, spend time with people whose company I enjoy etc. and it has definitely helped.

The second point is also key. I know when I am engaged with this with all the wonderful people here; when I know I am fighting a personal battle, but do so amongst an army of fighters, there is great Chizuk.

Thanks guys for the posts. I am definitely going to try to keep both points in mind.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 05 May 2015 02:47 #253887

I heard a line from in a Shiur that was a powerful idea. I think it was from Rav Yeruchem, who said that the biggest Yetzer Hora is for a person to not think of themselves as important.

When a person thinks of themselves as significant, special and important,it gives them energy to do the things they have to do, and when they have to avoid things, they carry themselves with the mentality that "this is below me."

I swung by the mall today to pick up some things and the mall is obviously designed to catch your attention (as is the way that most people dress nowadays outside the Frum community.)

Walking around with that idea, that I'm too important to let these things ensnare me made the whole experience pretty much a breeze not to fall.

I know that I won't always find it so easy, but it was a really empowering experience B"H.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 26 May 2015 23:42 #255453

Going to post because I know it is good for me.

B"H Yom Tov, which is often a time of struggle, went by smoothly. Working on doing things I enjoy, avoiding stress, and (trying) to get enough sleep. Overall feeling better than I have in a really long time (ever?) and hope and pray that that is part of the healing process.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 05 Jun 2015 03:27 #256113

Feel like I'm talking to myself a bit but I'm ok with that as it means I should listen. Otherwise no one is listening and I wouldn't want that lol.

Been focusing on improving overall perspective and trying to find ways to enjoy myself, relax etc. Can't say some moments are not a struggle but B"H I think/hope/pray that I am moving forward a bit.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 07 Jun 2015 16:28 #256272

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I would tell you that many people are reading your thread, but then you might think that you don't need to listen yourself.
KOT
KIT (more often?)
SG
BIG SHOT!
Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 09 Jun 2015 22:51 #256510

stillgoing wrote:
I would tell you that many people are reading your thread, but then you might think that you don't need to listen yourself.
KOT
KIT (more often?)
SG




I'm noticing there's abbreviations I still don't know. KIT? SG? Is that still going?

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 10 Jun 2015 21:07 #256575

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Keep In Touch

Still Going

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 12 Jun 2015 22:17 #256759

gibbor120 wrote:
Keep In Touch

Still Going


Thanks

B"H I am still going. Some days are easier than others, and I've met failure many times, but still truckin' as some people here like to say.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 14 Jun 2015 20:58 #256830

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
gibbor120 wrote:
Keep In Touch

Still Going


Thanks

B"H I am still going. Some days are easier than others, and I've met failure many times, but still truckin' as some people here like to say.


Who might that be?
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 16 Jun 2015 08:38 #256964

cordnoy wrote:
Hatzileini Na wrote:
gibbor120 wrote:
Keep In Touch

Still Going


Thanks

B"H I am still going. Some days are easier than others, and I've met failure many times, but still truckin' as some people here like to say.


Who might that be?


Well if no one has told you, I assume you aren't supposed to know

B"H things are going pretty well, though I'm a little concerned since I am really struggling with sleep these day (as evidenced by the fact I am on the computer at 4:35 AM after maybe 2 hours of sleep if that much.) Not sleeping is often a major indirect trigger because it impacts how I feel and pretty much everything else.

Bez"H the recognition of this, will help me be fine. I know it's "just being tired" and I've had that a million times before.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 16 Jun 2015 11:27 #256967

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We are all here with you chaver.
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 19 Jun 2015 09:17 #257193

serenity wrote:
We are all here with you chaver.


Thanks.

(This next part is not particularly directed at you Serenity, but I figured once posting...)
I had a difficult conversation with a young lady tonight (I believe in a previous post I've mentioned being in Shidduchim) and now having a lot of trouble sleeping, both issues that often took aim at my self-image. B"H it feels like with the years of work invested I am slowly, slowly learning to remove my self-image from the "table" to some degree (in that it is not something that is dependent on what others think or things out of my control like sleeping; and that there is inherent self-worth in being a Tzelem Elokim. Hopefully I can hold on to that with both hands.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 19 Jun 2015 11:56 #257199

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Thanks for sharing what you are experiencing. I think you will find many here can relate to low self-esteem and sleep issues.
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 19 Jun 2015 15:30 #257214

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Yes, as serenity said, many of us can relate to self esteem issues.
The dating process can be very tough on self esteem - and in my experience, it is easier to have self esteem after marriage.
I look at young people and see how insecure and uncomfortable in their own skins they are.
So hold with. It may help you to know that you will feel good about yourself and more comfortable with who you are with the passage of time.
Of course, sobriety and sanity and doing what you're supposed to, may be one of the biggest facilitators of self esteem.
You should find a zivug hagun beshaa tova umutzlachas.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 21 Jun 2015 03:42 #257275

serenity wrote:
Thanks for sharing what you are experiencing. I think you will find many here can relate to low self-esteem and sleep issues.


Sleeping has been a lifelong struggle for me and not sleeping definitely makes everything else much harder.

shlomo613 wrote:
Yes, as serenity said, many of us can relate to self esteem issues.
The dating process can be very tough on self esteem - and in my experience, it is easier to have self esteem after marriage.
I look at young people and see how insecure and uncomfortable in their own skins they are.
So hold with. It may help you to know that you will feel good about yourself and more comfortable with who you are with the passage of time.
Of course, sobriety and sanity and doing what you're supposed to, may be one of the biggest facilitators of self esteem.
You should find a zivug hagun beshaa tova umutzlachas.


I appreciate that. Esteem has been something I've been working on for years and B"H it's miles better than it used to be, but dating and rejection definitely makes that tougher...

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Jun 2015 05:52 #257920

Trying to keep up posting with relative frequency to make sure I am engaged.

The last few days have been pretty difficult. It's been a tremendous struggle getting to sleep (and staying asleep) and I've been feeling sick for the last couple of weeks. Combine that with the regular day-to-day challenges and it's been pretty rough.

B"H it feels like the overall changes that have been a work in progress over the last years have been in a better place mentally, but I know that these issues have often been the backdrop for falling in the past. Bez"H going to redouble my efforts to make sure not to get anywhere close to triggers.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Jun 2015 19:23 #257961

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I feel for you man. It may be worth seeing a doctor about the sleeping difficulties. It could be because of something.
I wonder whether a mindfulness programme would work for you at this stage in your life. There's a brilliant book/scheme I've used that was bit-sized and practical and really did wonders for me. I can give you the name if you're interested. It's highly respected and the gold standard in the field.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Jun 2015 21:40 #257979

shlomo613 wrote:
I feel for you man. It may be worth seeing a doctor about the sleeping difficulties. It could be because of something.
I wonder whether a mindfulness programme would work for you at this stage in your life. There's a brilliant book/scheme I've used that was bit-sized and practical and really did wonders for me. I can give you the name if you're interested. It's highly respected and the gold standard in the field.


Thanks for reading and responding (and caring.)

I've been to doctors and done sleep studies in the past. I've been prescribed all sorts of sleep medicine and nothing has helped. I do plan on trying to see a doctor again because it's been a few years, so who knows. The whole thing is so incredibly frustrating as so many days I'm exhausted, not feeling well etc. and it makes planning things and just accomplishing extremely difficult.

I've studied some mindfulness, read a number of books, tried hypnosis etc. and it's definitely had a positive impact on my life albeit not much help with sleeping, but I'd definitely be interested in hearing.

Thanks!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Jun 2015 22:23 #257984

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When I make my way to my book shelf I will look up the name again.
You know, when I suffered from sleeping problems aged 18 it eventually proved to be because of depression. Just thought I'd mention it. Is yours an age thing, like many people have in their fifties and sixties (sorry that I have no idea your age).
Another completely different thought: my mastarbation time was invariably first thing in the morning. Now I wake up early on a mission to do hisboidedus. What's that got to do with you, you ask?
Well, I took that hole that was sucking in tumah and used it for the highest thing possible.
How about you use your wakefulness period slot for hisboidedus/cheshbon hanefesh/mindfulness/mental detox.
Maybe if you can't sleep, you're kind of being given a message that you're supposed to be doing something then.
I just did a calculation that my hour hisboidedus a day works out to 26 days holiday a year!
How so? Well I do a bit less than 365 hours of hisboidedus a year. If you say that we are awake for 16 hours a day, then 365/16=26.
I actually feel that the hour a day is a holiday (but in truth not just that hour, because it lifts the whole day), a time out from this world, a time to centre myself and clarify what I really want, and ask for it, to examine where my blockages in my relationship with the Creator are. It is the best part of my day and it is a source of endless rewards and joy and closeness to the Creator.
Maybe you can try to do this in just a very small slice of the time you can't sleep? Like all good things you're unlikely to feel the joy immediately but if you persevere for about 7 times (15 minutes each) and ask Gd to give you a taste for the joy of it you're likely to feel something.
Begin with baby steps. Just 15 minutes. Just tell the Creator what's on your mind, what pains you, what you find impossible, and ask Him for help. Simple as that.
(You can extend it further than that, but that's essentially what it is, and certainly a great start.)
I've suggested this to a number of people who have trouble sleeping, nobody's taken it up, but maybe you will... Anyway, either way hatzlacha my friend with your sleep and energy and sobriety and sanity.
Shlomo

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 29 Jun 2015 03:50 #258011

shlomo613 wrote:
When I make my way to my book shelf I will look up the name again.
You know, when I suffered from sleeping problems aged 18 it eventually proved to be because of depression. Just thought I'd mention it. Is yours an age thing, like many people have in their fifties and sixties (sorry that I have no idea your age).
Another completely different thought: my mastarbation time was invariably first thing in the morning. Now I wake up early on a mission to do hisboidedus. What's that got to do with you, you ask?
Well, I took that hole that was sucking in tumah and used it for the highest thing possible.
How about you use your wakefulness period slot for hisboidedus/cheshbon hanefesh/mindfulness/mental detox.
Maybe if you can't sleep, you're kind of being given a message that you're supposed to be doing something then.
I just did a calculation that my hour hisboidedus a day works out to 26 days holiday a year!
How so? Well I do a bit less than 365 hours of hisboidedus a year. If you say that we are awake for 16 hours a day, then 365/16=26.
I actually feel that the hour a day is a holiday (but in truth not just that hour, because it lifts the whole day), a time out from this world, a time to centre myself and clarify what I really want, and ask for it, to examine where my blockages in my relationship with the Creator are. It is the best part of my day and it is a source of endless rewards and joy and closeness to the Creator.
Maybe you can try to do this in just a very small slice of the time you can't sleep? Like all good things you're unlikely to feel the joy immediately but if you persevere for about 7 times (15 minutes each) and ask Gd to give you a taste for the joy of it you're likely to feel something.
Begin with baby steps. Just 15 minutes. Just tell the Creator what's on your mind, what pains you, what you find impossible, and ask Him for help. Simple as that.
(You can extend it further than that, but that's essentially what it is, and certainly a great start.)
I've suggested this to a number of people who have trouble sleeping, nobody's taken it up, but maybe you will... Anyway, either way hatzlacha my friend with your sleep and energy and sobriety and sanity.
Shlomo


Thanks for the response. As far as my age, I'm "in Shidduchim" as they say. Not quite 50's or 60's I'm in my 20's. I've always had trouble sleeping, I can recall since I was a young child.

I like your idea. I've had people tell me my whole life I should just learn then if I'm up. The problem is that I would completely exhausted (and sometimes get sick from exhaustion) and still not able to sleep at night! I've tried meditation and things like that at night, but recently moved away from that. I think I will try some Hisbodedus and see how it goes. I know talking to Hashem a little more can never hurt.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 02 Jul 2015 05:11 #258427

Been trying to stop by the site at least once a day for a "daily dose of Chizuk" and trying to spend some time reading others threads and empathizing. B"H it seems to be a help keeping me grounded and helping me out, especially as it's been a massive struggle to sleep.

I really appreciate the Chevra here!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 02 Jul 2015 19:59 #258482

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Have you tried music to relax you?

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 03 Jul 2015 00:05 #258530

gibbor120 wrote:
Have you tried music to relax you?


I often listen to music and also play guitar. I love it, and it definitely helps me relax, but even relaxed it doesn't help me sleep (it doesn't hurt when I'm stressed, but I my insomnia is equal opportunity and is there when I'm relaxed or stressed, happy or upset.)

Gotta keep trying though. Thanks!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 07 Jul 2015 04:06 #258866

Working to make sure that I continue to post, and to stay engaged. I know I have to be a more careful. It's the summer so while I'm blessed to be able to live and work in an area that can avoid much of the provocation that summer brings, it seems like pictures are all over the place.

Also still struggling with sleep. I've been lazy about it (since life gets so busy) but I think I really have to dedicate the time (and money potentially) to do more to see if I can find a solution to the sleeping.

I hope everyone is doing well!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 13 Jul 2015 22:10 #259367

Been thinking a little about this site and the journeys that people are on (including myself) and had something thoughts:

1) It is humbling to think about the effort that people put in to trying to regain control before they get started here. Stories of people getting rid of smart phones, Davening, fasting, going to the Mikveh etc. The amount of time, money and effort we have invested despite failure after failure is remarkable.

A few thoughts on this:
A) Knowing that this is the case is a powerful reminder never to judge anyone. I doubt most successful people ever tried nearly as hard as the "failures" who come here. How can one look down at a person who pours his heart out to Hakadosh Baruch Hu to help him overcome his struggles. How can one look down at someone who will fast, take on extra Sedorim, avoid certain people and places to avoid temptation.

We are here in the 3 weeks; a time when we mourn the Churban. For many, mourning the loss of the Beis Hamikdash is hard. But I think the people here maybe more than most can mourn for the loss of a world without the immodesty. A world lead by leaders who are Tzadikim. A world where our recognition of Hashem and our place and responsibility as the Am HaNivchar means that we stand tall and proud and live fulfilled lives where we do not feel the need to get a lust fix.

C) Following up on the previous idea, I don't know what it is Hashem is looking for to bring the Geulah, but in today's generation, when the world is pushing so hard towards constant movement, instant pleasures etc. the community here, who engages in support for each other, in introspection, in working to develop self-control and take our lives back, or better, to give ourselves over to Hashem. I have to imagine He's looking down and smiling. This is a community whose membership card I may never announce to the world (although sometimes I wish I could since it seems like we all have to hide our struggles instead of going out and saying "it's ok to struggle; let's struggle together" ) but it's a place I am very proud to be a part of.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 13 Jul 2015 22:34 #259369

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
Been thinking a little about this site and the journeys that people are on (including myself) and had something thoughts:

1) It is humbling to think about the effort that people put in to trying to regain control before they get started here. Stories of people getting rid of smart phones, Davening, fasting, going to the Mikveh etc. The amount of time, money and effort we have invested despite failure after failure is remarkable.

A few thoughts on this:
A) Knowing that this is the case is a powerful reminder never to judge anyone. I doubt most successful people ever tried nearly as hard as the "failures" who come here. How can one look down at a person who pours his heart out to Hakadosh Baruch Hu to help him overcome his struggles. How can one look down at someone who will fast, take on extra Sedorim, avoid certain people and places to avoid temptation.

We are here in the 3 weeks; a time when we mourn the Churban. For many, mourning the loss of the Beis Hamikdash is hard. But I think the people here maybe more than most can mourn for the loss of a world without the immodesty. A world lead by leaders who are Tzadikim. A world where our recognition of Hashem and our place and responsibility as the Am HaNivchar means that we stand tall and proud and live fulfilled lives where we do not feel the need to get a lust fix.

C) Following up on the previous idea, I don't know what it is Hashem is looking for to bring the Geulah, but in today's generation, when the world is pushing so hard towards constant movement, instant pleasures etc. the community here, who engages in support for each other, in introspection, in working to develop self-control and take our lives back, or better, to give ourselves over to Hashem. I have to imagine He's looking down and smiling. This is a community whose membership card I may never announce to the world (although sometimes I wish I could since it seems like we all have to hide our struggles instead of going out and saying "it's ok to struggle; let's struggle together" ) but it's a place I am very proud to be a part of.


I think about the money and time invested into failing again and again.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 14 Jul 2015 02:08 #259381

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Hatzileini Na -a masterful post that is so on the mark.

Here we see:
- a true mesiras nefesh to improve.
- great efforts put forth to help and support others.

so proud we are to be a part of, yet to advertise membership could cause needless grief.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 14 Jul 2015 02:13 #259384

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[quote="cordnoy" post=259369]Hatzileini Na wrote:


I think about the money and time invested into failing again and again.



cordnoy just the other day an old chosheve yid said: "we are in the business of effort,

Hashem is in the business of results"


My friend, you run a fine business

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 17 Jul 2015 04:11 #259705

Stopping by, reading some of the posts from others and thinking back to times when I was in school and/or working in a large city and am very thankful I no longer do B"H. Really happy with the way things have been recently, despite still struggling with sleep. I know that yesterday's success does not mean there won't be a battle today, but working on continued growth and praying for Hashem to help all of us in our journeys.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 23 Jul 2015 03:27 #260163

It's amazing how things can change in a week. The last few days have been a big struggle. Sleep has been at a premium and work is extremely stressful. B"H stopping here on the site and reading through some of the posts from other people has helped me regain some of the focus, but I know I need to redouble my efforts to make sure I am not taking the first steps on those tempting slippery slopes.

Hope everyone else is doing well...

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 23 Jul 2015 03:54 #260165

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Glad to hear from you!
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 31 Jul 2015 04:32 #260612

Wanted to thank everyone here. I had a real danger of "taking the first sip" today and the inspiration from people here kept me from doing so. I was surprised at my self control in removing myself from the situation, and had echoes of posts in my head.

Thank you!!

(Reading this all sounds very vague so I'll expound... I enjoy mixed martial arts and sometimes watch matches. In the lineup of fights on TV there was a women's fight including the best female fighter in the world. While I am not particularly interested in watching women fight, I was really curious about this particular fighter, but realized it could be a very bad first step to take, and shut the TV off and walked away.)

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 31 Jul 2015 09:31 #260621

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
Wanted to thank everyone here. I had a real danger of "taking the first sip" today and the inspiration from people here kept me from doing so. I was surprised at my self control in removing myself from the situation, and had echoes of posts in my head.

Thank you!!

(Reading this all sounds very vague so I'll expound... I enjoy mixed martial arts and sometimes watch matches. In the lineup of fights on TV there was a women's fight including the best female fighter in the world. While I am not particularly interested in watching women fight, I was really curious about this particular fighter, but realized it could be a very bad first step to take, and shut the TV off and walked away.)


Maybe we should have our own private MMA section, where we can discuss Silva, Henderson, TJ, Rousey, Kat, Cowboy and more.
I try not to mix my addictions. No good for the bowels.

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My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 06 Aug 2015 22:24 #261111

cordnoy wrote:
Hatzileini Na wrote:
Wanted to thank everyone here. I had a real danger of "taking the first sip" today and the inspiration from people here kept me from doing so. I was surprised at my self control in removing myself from the situation, and had echoes of posts in my head.

Thank you!!

(Reading this all sounds very vague so I'll expound... I enjoy mixed martial arts and sometimes watch matches. In the lineup of fights on TV there was a women's fight including the best female fighter in the world. While I am not particularly interested in watching women fight, I was really curious about this particular fighter, but realized it could be a very bad first step to take, and shut the TV off and walked away.)


Maybe we should have our own private MMA section, where we can discuss Silva, Henderson, TJ, Rousey, Kat, Cowboy and more.
I try not to mix my addictions. No good for the bowels.

b'hatzlachah


I'm good as long as we stick to male fighters I'm good

It's been a few days since I posted. Went away for the weekend and had a slip when I kept my phone in my room and could not fall asleep until it was close to morning. Didn't go to anything that most of the world would view as really inappropriate, but it was things I should not be seeing and lead to a wet dream.

It's a stupid slip, since I have a very simple "no phone in the room" rule at home which works wonders. I'm not sure how others count slips vs. falls. In my mind it's a slip because it didn't lead to masturbation (and I didn't view anything pornographic.)

Anyone have any opinions/thoughts?

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 06 Aug 2015 22:35 #261112

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Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 07 Aug 2015 00:56 #261120

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
I'm good as long as we stick to male fighters I'm good


The good female fights last anywhere between 14 seconds and 36 seconds....don't watch the intros and the joe rogan post match interview....besides he has the iq of a pea.
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If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 10 Aug 2015 23:05 #261366

cordnoy wrote:
Hatzileini Na wrote:
I'm good as long as we stick to male fighters I'm good


The good female fights last anywhere between 14 seconds and 36 seconds....don't watch the intros and the joe rogan post match interview....besides he has the iq of a pea.


For some it may not be but for me that's a serious example of "dipping my toe in the water" for a couple of reasons:

1) I find people who are talented etc. far more attractive than people who are not (the look of having your head bashed in my detract, but there's at least one fighter who has not had to deal with that much...)

2) It's never just about the fight. It's reading the background info, checking out stats etc.

In summation I'll stick to the male fighters lol

Right now I feel pretty strongly about this since recently things have been exceedingly stressful and I have not been sleeping well; two factors that have caused major trouble in the past. I have to make sure I don't take the "first sip."

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 10 Aug 2015 23:38 #261373

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
cordnoy wrote:
Hatzileini Na wrote:
I'm good as long as we stick to male fighters I'm good


The good female fights last anywhere between 14 seconds and 36 seconds....don't watch the intros and the joe rogan post match interview....besides he has the iq of a pea.


For some it may not be but for me that's a serious example of "dipping my toe in the water" for a couple of reasons:

1) I find people who are talented etc. far more attractive than people who are not (the look of having your head bashed in my detract, but there's at least one fighter who has not had to deal with that much...)

2) It's never just about the fight. It's reading the background info, checking out stats etc.

In summation I'll stick to the male fighters lol

Right now I feel pretty strongly about this since recently things have been exceedingly stressful and I have not been sleeping well; two factors that have caused major trouble in the past. I have to make sure I don't take the "first sip."


Even in a cage, I wouldn't fight you on this one.
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If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 16 Aug 2015 07:16 #261840

I've passed 90 days. While I am happy to have reached this point, it is not my first time and I know that it does not mean that I can relax the efforts in this area. And considering it is the middle of the night and I am by my computer and not sleeping, some of the primary triggers are definitely still challenges (like struggling to sleep...)

I recently bought a book called "A Gently Guide to the 12 Steps" which I hope will help me stay focused on the journey.

Looking back a bit, I do think what has helped me the most has been becoming a more healthy person. B"H I have gotten better at dealing with stress, recognizing triggers and self-soothing in appropriate fashion (playing guitar etc.)

I was to thank everyone for the continued support and Bez"H look forward and pray for continued growth in all areas of life for myself and everyone here (and everyone not here as well...)

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 16 Aug 2015 10:31 #261845

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Very nice....Keep it up!
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If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 16 Aug 2015 14:17 #261851

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Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 16 Aug 2015 15:00 #261853

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
I've passed 90 days. ...

Looking back a bit, I do think what has helped me the most has been becoming a more healthy person. B"H I have gotten better at dealing with stress, recognizing triggers and self-soothing in appropriate fashion (playing guitar etc.)

I was to thank everyone for the continued support and Bez"H look forward and pray for continued growth in all areas of life for myself and everyone here (and everyone not here as well...)


The tone of your post is that of a healthy person, understanding himself and doing what must be done.

Hatzlocho!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 16 Aug 2015 18:06 #261867

Thanks to everyone for the support.

yiraishamaim wrote:
Hatzileini Na wrote:
I've passed 90 days. ...

Looking back a bit, I do think what has helped me the most has been becoming a more healthy person. B"H I have gotten better at dealing with stress, recognizing triggers and self-soothing in appropriate fashion (playing guitar etc.)

I was to thank everyone for the continued support and Bez"H look forward and pray for continued growth in all areas of life for myself and everyone here (and everyone not here as well...)


The tone of your post is that of a healthy person, understanding himself and doing what must be done.

Hatzlocho!


I like to think of it as "working on healthy." People often talk about whether someone is or isn't healthy, and I used to wonder/obsess of whether I was healthy. Over time I have learned that I cannot make myself healthy (certainly overnight). Others might look and judge (in both directions, overstating how "unhealthy" or "healthy" I am) and that may not be comfortable, but trying to remain focused even if I know others are whispering about some things being ridiculous is key. And not getting caught up in the praise of others because I know there is more work to do. Staying grounded, trying to grow and see things as they truly are...

Also recognizing that there is no magic place called "healthy" where I will always want to do the right thing and be in perfect control. What I can do is try to take steps towards healthy. I can try to be honest with myself, and try to accept that even if it means admitting I am not doing all I can at times, because by making it safe to be honest, there's a hope that over time I will improve and grow.

Thanks

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 20 Aug 2015 22:28 #262439

Just had a situation where I found myself with access to some things I generally don't and it hit me hard. B"H in a couple of seconds I caught myself and I was able to shake the craziness and regain focus. It's a reminder that I needed to not get overconfident. A fall can be just one overconfidence away...

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 20 Aug 2015 23:23 #262443

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
Just had a situation where I found myself with access to some things I generally don't and it hit me hard. B"H in a couple of seconds I caught myself and I was able to shake the craziness and regain focus. It's a reminder that I needed to not get overconfident. A fall can be just one overconfidence away...


Well done!

Perhaps it is overconfidence, but I would say it a tad different. As an addict, I know that I will always have these tendencies; I need to always be workin' a program, for otherwise, it will be impossible for me to remain sober. So, yes, overconfidence is no good....the question is what to be doin' about it.
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If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 23 Aug 2015 06:27 #262537

cordnoy wrote:
Hatzileini Na wrote:
Just had a situation where I found myself with access to some things I generally don't and it hit me hard. B"H in a couple of seconds I caught myself and I was able to shake the craziness and regain focus. It's a reminder that I needed to not get overconfident. A fall can be just one overconfidence away...


Well done!

Perhaps it is overconfidence, but I would say it a tad different. As an addict, I know that I will always have these tendencies; I need to always be workin' a program, for otherwise, it will be impossible for me to remain sober. So, yes, overconfidence is no good....the question is what to be doin' about it.


That's something to think about. For me it feels like a degree of overconfidence because when I am going well I find myself instinctively looking away, and even if I see something, not really getting triggered by it.



Have a different challenge the next few days. I'll be the only one staying where I live the next few days, and some of the other people have literature that is definitely not good for me. Have to plan in advance to make sure I don't run into trouble.

I'm thinking:

TaphSic for the next few days minimally
Make sure to be away as much as possible (possibly find another place to sleep even)
Other ideas...

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 23 Aug 2015 07:36 #262539

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You'll be fine.
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GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 23 Aug 2015 18:57 #262588

cordnoy wrote:
You'll be fine.


That's the goal, and here's the approach.

I am making a Taphsic Shevuah as follows:

Beginning right now and the next two days (until Wednesday morning) I am making a separate Shevuah for each day as a reminder that it is one day at a time and I am making it so that it will really hurt (but still be within the bounds of feasible.)

$500 to Tzedakah if I enter the room where the literature is for the purpose of going to read (if I have to enter for a different reason, it does not apply, though the next steps do), $1000 if I read from the book, and $2000 if I masturbate. This is all if I do not do anything in advance when hit by a lust attack. If before hand I either: visit a neighbor's apartment (or someone else) for 30 minutes, leave the house for 30 minutes or if either of those options is impossible learn or listen to Jewish music for 30 minutes or come on to the site for 30 minutes (or a combination of factors) the numbers will be reduced by 75% (so $125, $250 and $500.) Bez"H this should place a pretty strong deterrent.

Beyond this I plan to:
Stay at work later than usual if I am not wiped out (since working late wears me out in the long run.
Eat out (at family/friends/restaurant) each night so I am spending less time at home
Remember to surrender to Hashem, to recognize my helplessness in the face of lust
Last Edit: 23 Aug 2015 18:58 by Hatzileini Na.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 23 Aug 2015 19:05 #262589

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
cordnoy wrote:
You'll be fine.


That's the goal, and here's the approach.

Bez"H this should place a pretty strong deterrent.


I'd say!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 23 Aug 2015 20:52 #262596

cordnoy wrote:
Hatzileini Na wrote:
cordnoy wrote:
You'll be fine.


That's the goal, and here's the approach.

Bez"H this should place a pretty strong deterrent.


I'd say!


You know how us crazies are. We've sacrificed more at times, so I'm trying to keep it in mind without fooling myself that it is foolproof.

Thanks for continually stoping by and providing Chizuk!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 23 Aug 2015 21:00 #262599

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
cordnoy wrote:
Hatzileini Na wrote:
cordnoy wrote:
You'll be fine.


That's the goal, and here's the approach.

Bez"H this should place a pretty strong deterrent.


I'd say!


You know how us crazies are. We've sacrificed more at times, so I'm trying to keep it in mind without fooling myself that it is foolproof.

Thanks for continually stoping by and providing Chizuk!


My pleasure.

it keeps me outta trouble.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 25 Aug 2015 03:15 #262666

cordnoy wrote:


My pleasure.

it keeps me outta trouble.


Sounds good to me!

B"H things have been going pretty well. Bridged work and eating out with an extended learning Seder which kept me out of the house today and working to make sure I don't take the "first sip" anywhere

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 25 Aug 2015 11:03 #262684

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
cordnoy wrote:


My pleasure.

it keeps me outta trouble.


Sounds good to me!

B"H things have been going pretty well. Bridged work and eating out with an extended learning Seder which kept me out of the house today and working to make sure I don't take the "first sip" anywhere


BH!!!!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 27 Aug 2015 03:59 #262810

B"H got through the challenge without much of a hitch. Not surprisingly though, I found last night (when the challenge was over) to be particularly tough. Had a very hard time sleeping, was extremely stressed, etc. Ended up reading something I shouldn't have for a few minutes but B"H put that down and that was it, and while definitely not kosher reading, (was a popular women's magazine) it wasn't porn and the like.

I think a letdown after an intense period is expected and I should have seen it coming, and will keep focus so that with the help of Hashem today will be a good day.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 07 Sep 2015 23:13 #263480

Went on a trip to Eretz Yisrael. Was amazing B"H. Had one night where there was a concern since I was alone in a hotel but made a Taphsic Shevuah, and was not an issue.

I had one night where I am not sure whether it was a wet dream, or if I was awake. It's stupid but I really want it to have been the former since I have been going really well on this streak, but as woke up numerous times that night I am really not sure

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 08 Sep 2015 01:15 #263483

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You're good. Look forward!
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--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 13 Sep 2015 16:56 #263804

It's Erev Rosh Hashana, and like for many people it seems, this time of year can provide additional challenges in trying to live up to an unrealistic vision that I have of where I should be, and handle things like Selichos and keep on top of Shemiras Einayim in general.

Over the last few weeks I've slipped a few times. B"H no falls, but the type of activity that if continued inevitably leads to falling. Instead of waiting until then, I feel like it's time to start the new year starting from zero again in my mind. While for now I don't plan on resetting the number of days, in my mind, I am starting fresh.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Rosh Hashana, feeling the love of Hashem and Klal Yisrael (especially the GYE family who is pulling for you to find your best self, to find hapiness and fulfillment in your relationship with Hashem, in your relationship with others and in your relationship with yourself.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 16 Sep 2015 22:24 #263941

Last night was one of the toughest I can remember in a long time. I couldn't sleep, and was having trouble clearing my mind. B"H I fought, I Davened, I surrendered, I listened to music, read books and eventually fell asleep.

Well... no one promised it would be easy. B"H moving onward and Bez"H upward.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 17 Sep 2015 00:36 #263957

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
Last night was one of the toughest I can remember in a long time. I couldn't sleep, and was having trouble clearing my mind. B"H I fought, I Davened, I surrendered, I listened to music, read books and eventually fell asleep.

Well... no one promised it would be easy. B"H moving onward and Bez"H upward.


there is very little that we are promised.

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 21 Sep 2015 04:38 #264254

cordnoy wrote:
Hatzileini Na wrote:
Last night was one of the toughest I can remember in a long time. I couldn't sleep, and was having trouble clearing my mind. B"H I fought, I Davened, I surrendered, I listened to music, read books and eventually fell asleep.

Well... no one promised it would be easy. B"H moving onward and Bez"H upward.


there is very little that we are promised.

b'hatzlachah


True that.

Tonight I was talking to someone and thinking about the number of different things going on in my life. Life is so busy and complicated, and there's so many wishes and hopes and dreams. I guess the promise is that if we do our best and leave the rest to Hashem things will work out, but at times it's overwhelmingly difficult.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 24 Sep 2015 04:50 #264496

I hope everyone had a meaningful Yom Kippur and we were all inscribed for a year of happiness, growth etc.

B"H my Yom Kippur was really meaningful to me. During Davening at some point in time I had a realization that despite years of work and effort, speaking to people (Rebbeim, a therapist etc.) there are things in my past I can't seem to be able to forgive myself for. As I was Davening I was thinking about the fact that Hashem forgives us, any people I impacted has forgiven me, and yet I cannot seem to forgive myself... It surprised me as I found myself thinking of things that I thought had long been processed and dealt with, but now I am not sure...

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 24 Sep 2015 06:27 #264503

With it being Motzei Yom Kippur I guess I should have expected a tough night. Middle of the night and can't sleep. Thoughts started heading in the wrong direction so figured I'd stop by here. The challenges never really ease up, do they...

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 30 Sep 2015 04:58 #264867

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
I hope everyone had a meaningful Yom Kippur and we were all inscribed for a year of happiness, growth etc.

B"H my Yom Kippur was really meaningful to me. During Davening at some point in time I had a realization that despite years of work and effort, speaking to people (Rebbeim, a therapist etc.) there are things in my past I can't seem to be able to forgive myself for. As I was Davening I was thinking about the fact that Hashem forgives us, any people I impacted has forgiven me, and yet I cannot seem to forgive myself... It surprised me as I found myself thinking of things that I thought had long been processed and dealt with, but now I am not sure...


A thorough step four helps with this.
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Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 01 Oct 2015 01:47 #264920

cordnoy wrote:
Hatzileini Na wrote:
I hope everyone had a meaningful Yom Kippur and we were all inscribed for a year of happiness, growth etc.

B"H my Yom Kippur was really meaningful to me. During Davening at some point in time I had a realization that despite years of work and effort, speaking to people (Rebbeim, a therapist etc.) there are things in my past I can't seem to be able to forgive myself for. As I was Davening I was thinking about the fact that Hashem forgives us, any people I impacted has forgiven me, and yet I cannot seem to forgive myself... It surprised me as I found myself thinking of things that I thought had long been processed and dealt with, but now I am not sure...


A thorough step four helps with this.


Thanks. Will jump into the chapter on that tonight Bez"H.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 08 Oct 2015 05:09 #265284

Been reading and working with the exercise book I got for the 12 steps, and step 4 is brutal, but I know it's important.

Almost slipped just a few minutes ago. Yom Tov has thrown off my schedule a bit and I've been a bit lax. Have to regain the focus.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 08 Oct 2015 12:41 #265296

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I think subconsciously many guys fulfill steps 1-3 as soon as they join the website and try sobriety, I'm speaking' at least for meself.

I think step 4 is taller than 1-3 combined, and it's toughhhhhh. I ain't there yet.

Good luck my friend, maybe Ill take my truck in for a tune up and will be followin yours shortly
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Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 09 Oct 2015 05:09 #265451

markz wrote:
I think subconsciously many guys fulfill steps 1-3 as soon as they join the website and try sobriety, I'm speaking' at least for meself.

I think step 4 is taller than 1-3 combined, and it's toughhhhhh. I ain't there yet.

Good luck my friend, maybe Ill take my truck in for a tune up and will be followin yours shortly


It has not been fun, but I am hoping to see benefits from it. I also need to reinforce the earlier ideas like step 1 since I've been finding myself getting comfortable "taking the first sip" and cognitively I know that that's playing with fire, but I've fallen a bit lax and need to reengage. Maybe a TaphSic shevuah for increased vigilance will do it. I know I have to be proactive.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 12 Oct 2015 11:08 #265658

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markz wrote:
I think subconsciously many guys fulfill steps 1-3 as soon as they join the website and try sobriety, I'm speaking' at least for meself.

I think step 4 is taller than 1-3 combined, and it's toughhhhhh. I ain't there yet.

Good luck my friend, maybe Ill take my truck in for a tune up and will be followin yours shortly


Just wait till I get back and I'll get your truck up with the mountin' hydraulic crane or a pneumatic tool lift and we will slap you into shape.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
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If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 12 Oct 2015 22:37 #265742

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cordnoy wrote:
markz wrote:
I think subconsciously many guys fulfill steps 1-3 as soon as they join the website and try sobriety, I'm speaking' at least for meself.

I think step 4 is taller than 1-3 combined, and it's toughhhhhh. I ain't there yet.

Good luck my friend, maybe Ill take my truck in for a tune up and will be followin yours shortly


Just wait till I get back and I'll get your truck up with the mountin' hydraulic crane or a pneumatic tool lift and we will slap you into shape.


dms1234 wrote:
WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH!

deep breath!! everything is going to be just fine!


Cordnoy - can't wait for you to return, Seriously.

I'm saving you a job getting all that equipment together and I apologize sincerely. I reread the steps outline (I haven't begun the ספר הלבן yet) and on this forum what I wrote previously was כפירה ממש שחייבים על זדונה מלקות תשעים!!!

Here's the amended version
"I think subconsciously many guys fulfill the beginning of step 1 as soon as they join the website and try sobriety"
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Last Edit: 12 Oct 2015 22:38 by Markz.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 13 Oct 2015 03:22 #265764

I slipped last night, and looked at some pictures that I shouldn't have on my phone. Not even sure how I was able to access them, and B"H it did not lead to M, but I want to make sure that it does not happen again. Honestly things have been incredibly miserable recently and long nights unable to sleep are definitely the thing that push me to the edge of slipping, both during the night and also the exhaustion and self-doubt that comes with it the next day(s). In my book if it does not lead to M I generally consider it a "slip" not a fall, though it definitely was not good.

I generally find that I go through ups and downs, times when the challenge is incredilby tough and times it is not, and I need to make sure that I overcome the present struggle.

For starters, a Siyug: I will not check my phone during the night unless there is a specific legitimate reason (which if it occurs I will Bez"H check here to see whether people believe it legit) until I am up for the day. If I do, it is $50. If I try to access inappropriate things, $100. If I do access inappropriate materials, $500. If it leads to M $1000.

What will I do if I am up late at night? I will have my Ipod with songs, books on tape and a room full of reading material. And I will pray. I will pray my heart out that Hashem sees my pain, because the sleep struggles are damaging every area of my life. (I also plan on seeing a sleep specialist ASAP, so there is Hishtadlus there as well.)

To those who sleep easily at night, please take a moment and recognize the Bracha. I've lived my life struggling to sleep just about every night, and it's one of the most debilitating things I've been blessed to deal with.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 14 Oct 2015 05:10 #265885

Hatzileini Na wrote:
I slipped last night, and looked at some pictures that I shouldn't have on my phone. Not even sure how I was able to access them, and B"H it did not lead to M, but I want to make sure that it does not happen again. Honestly things have been incredibly miserable recently and long nights unable to sleep are definitely the thing that push me to the edge of slipping, both during the night and also the exhaustion and self-doubt that comes with it the next day(s). In my book if it does not lead to M I generally consider it a "slip" not a fall, though it definitely was not good.

I generally find that I go through ups and downs, times when the challenge is incredilby tough and times it is not, and I need to make sure that I overcome the present struggle.

For starters, a Siyug: I will not check my phone during the night unless there is a specific legitimate reason (which if it occurs I will Bez"H check here to see whether people believe it legit) until I am up for the day. If I do, it is $50. If I try to access inappropriate things, $100. If I do access inappropriate materials, $500. If it leads to M $1000.

What will I do if I am up late at night? I will have my Ipod with songs, books on tape and a room full of reading material. And I will pray. I will pray my heart out that Hashem sees my pain, because the sleep struggles are damaging every area of my life. (I also plan on seeing a sleep specialist ASAP, so there is Hishtadlus there as well.)

To those who sleep easily at night, please take a moment and recognize the Bracha. I've lived my life struggling to sleep just about every night, and it's one of the most debilitating things I've been blessed to deal with.


Last night went ok B"H. The Siyug continues tonight. Phone will not be in my bedroom (I try to never have it there at night) and it is shut off. Bez"H I will sleep ok.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 18 Oct 2015 05:34 #266218

Started reading "God of Our Understanding" which offers a Jewish perspective on the 12 steps and how the ideas work within Yiddishkeit. Amongst other things, the book reminded me that living with Hashem provides a much more pleasant life. I was reminded of times and moments I had almost forgotten I ever had where I knew that things would be ok, even if they would not all go how I hoped, or would not always be fun, or easy.

The book has also helped me get a better feel and understanding of the 12 steps.

For now I've been working on 1-4. 4 has not been easy, but I think I am most scared of 5 right now.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 19 Oct 2015 23:34 #266383

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Hatzileini Na wrote:
Started reading "God of Our Understanding" which offers a Jewish perspective on the 12 steps and how the ideas work within Yiddishkeit. Amongst other things, the book reminded me that living with Hashem provides a much more pleasant life. I was reminded of times and moments I had almost forgotten I ever had where I knew that things would be ok, even if they would not all go how I hoped, or would not always be fun, or easy.

The book has also helped me get a better feel and understanding of the 12 steps.

For now I've been working on 1-4. 4 has not been easy, but I think I am most scared of 5 right now.


That is a GREAT book! It's actually what made me realize my netiah for chasidus funnily enough.
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Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 08 Nov 2015 00:06 #268027

I fell. Was a combination of factors, but it's clear that when I get sick, I have to be more careful than in general. I had a streak of over 170 days going, but had been slipping towards being less careful.

Not sure whether I'll feel differently in the next few days, but right now I'm not too upset. I feel like I've definitely moved forward over the last few months and that is tied to something bigger than just fighting this, but rather a better outlook on life.

Have to spend some time figuring out what I need to tighten up on, and I know that the Yetzer will be offering up ideas like "once you slipped, you streak is over, you can start again tomorrow" but Bez"H I know that those voices will quiet.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 08 Nov 2015 01:21 #268031

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Welcome back!
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Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 08 Nov 2015 19:41 #268093

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I have insomnia too.
I find it is less if I

Have exercised in the day or before eating.

Finish eating my main evening meal three hours before going to bed.

Have clean sheets.

Have a shower half an hour before bed.

Avoid the computer or cell phone an hour before bed.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 09 Nov 2015 01:08 #268112

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keep coming back, it works if you work it
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Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 16 Mar 2017 02:23 #308324

It's been a long time since I've been here, but it is time I come back.

Since I've been gone I've been working on increasing positivity in my life.  I also spent a period of time going to a therapist and working through some issues, and I've also taken up meditation. 

Overall, I feel like I am moving forward in my life, but still find myself falling.  While seeing the therapist a part of the focus was on not beating myself up over things and focused on less on success and failure in this area (although still working on it). 

Now it's time to tackle this for once and for all (one day at a time of course).  Bez"H I plan on jumping back into posting.  I also think I am going to check out the conference calls for Chizuk.

I hope everyone is doing well with their battles, and with everything else.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 16 Mar 2017 03:16 #308333

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Welcome back,

NiceI to hear from you again.

Wishin' you all the best.
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If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 16 Mar 2017 03:37 #308334

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Welcome back

I just read your first post

guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/240430?limit=400

A very clearly written share, and I share some of the struggle about mast' at night - it's a daily commitment for me to be clean regardless of track (broken) records

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Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 16 Mar 2017 07:42 #308342

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Welcome back! Keep coming back! Thanks Markz for the one-pager. It sounds really tough when your worst enemy is yourself, but so blatantly. Have you found sleep issue solutions?
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Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 20 Mar 2017 02:49 #308589

Thanks Cordnoy, Markz and Singularity.

Singularity, I have not solved the sleep issue, but I have made progress in that area (although like everything in life there are ups and downs.)  I also feel like I am slowly coming to understand other areas of myself and some of the pain of my life and how that has lead to where I am today, both positive and negative.

Meditation and therapy have helped me begin to notice how I feel without fighting it or automatically acting on those feelings. I have been working on just being present with the experience, not fighting it, not worrying about it (such as worrying about how tired I will be in the morning since I was up much of the night). It is all a work in progress and posting about it here definitely helps remind me of the ideas (and remind me I need to go meditate since I have not done so today).

Another crucial thing for me (which I have not done well over the winter) is making sure to do things I enjoy, get fresh air and socialize.  I think loneliness (existential and/or practical) are probably a theme for many people here; they definitely are for me, and making sure to spend time with others and do enjoyable things definitely helps me.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 20 Mar 2017 13:34 #308633

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Welcome back!  It sounds like you have made a lot of progress.  It's nice to have you back.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 23 Mar 2017 03:13 #308896

gibbor120 wrote on 20 Mar 2017 13:34:
Welcome back!  It sounds like you have made a lot of progress.  It's nice to have you back.

Thanks Gibbor120!!  Of course it doesn't feel like progress in a moment of struggle, but that's part of what makes it a struggle.  

I hope you are well!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Mar 2017 17:12 #309515

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B"H, doing well.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 30 Mar 2017 04:05 #309658

Wanted to make sure I keep engaged and posting.  B"H a focus on meditation and exercise has been very helpful recently.  For me  making sure to live in a healthy fashion and do things to make sure I am enjoying myself and in a positive place emotionally are some of the most important elements.  Bez"H trying to continue to work on that.

Hatzlacha to everyone in your efforts!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 10 Apr 2017 03:24 #310563

Hey everyone,

Slipped and looked at something I shouldn't have, which reminds me I need to make sure I am working the program.

I did come across something really interesting in the book "Chasing the Scream" which chronicles the War on Drugs.  There is a classic study on rats that showed that when rats are alone and given the option between drug-laced water and pure water, 9 out of 10 will drink the drug laced water until they die.  But when put in an area with other rats and with other things to do, the rats may have drank a minimal amount of the drug-laced water, but not enough to do any damage to themselves.  The message is that addiction is not something that stems from weakness; is not about one person being stronger than another.  But when life is exceedingly painful; when we don't have a place where we can go where there is no pain and where we feel safe, we can end up finding that place in a alcohol, gambling, drugs or pornography/masturbation.  Addiction is often the response to what happened to us.  And one of the tools for standing strong against addiction is finding people who we value their company and they value ours; finding positive activities we enjoy etc.  

For me, I know that I've had to deal with some difficult things in my life, and the idea from this book definitely resonated with my experience and reminded me that any community who has struggled with any sort of addiction is often a community that has dealt with an incredible amount of pain.  And to me, when people are able to stand tall despite that pain, to use that pain to understand the pain of others and support each other; that's a remarkable thing.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 10 Apr 2017 03:28 #310564

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Yup

Kindly click on the spoiler below to enter the park
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Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 25 Nov 2018 17:21 #337471

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Hatzileini Na wrote on 16 Mar 2017 02:23:
It's been a long time since I've been here, but it is time I come back.
.....
Overall, I feel like I am moving forward in my life, but still find myself falling.  While seeing the therapist a part of the focus was on not beating myself up over things and focused on less on success and failure in this area (although still working on it). 
......
I hope everyone is doing well with their battles, and with everything else.

cordnoy wrote on 28 Apr 2017 12:46:

yiraishamaim wrote on 28 Apr 2017 03:29:
Thanks Cords
During the See Saw of the journey of Sobriety we never really return exactly to the way we were at an earlier time, Do we?

Hopefully wiser.

Nope.

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