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TOPIC: Dms1234's story 71406 Views

Re: Dms1234's story 15 Jun 2017 23:51 #315425

  • dms1234
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I was walking back from mincha today when i realized i was in a VERY bad place. I have been escaping for the past few days. I have this project to do and other tasks and i havent been doing them. Worst off is i havent done real inventories on why i dont want to do them. So i was wasting a lot of time watching mainly sports highlights. And when i escape and i dont make an inventory then i could quickly turn to lust and lust is poison for me. 

So today i took certain actions of lust. You know i didnt search up a porn site but i clicked on a video which had a girl in a bikini and i searched up some sites which probably would have women swimming. Then as i was walking home from mincha I started fantasizing. Fantasy is a bad, bad place for me. I used to fantasize and then masturbate. The 1 2 punch. I fantasised of a women running and then we having sex. Thats when i realized I was in a bad place. So I called other addicts, i wrote an inventory, wrote a gratitude list, reached out to someone that may need help. 

Thank God, I feel better. I would like to say i moved forward on the project. I haven't but i am in a much better place. Please God, Please show me what you want for me. Your will, not mine be done.
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 

Re: Dms1234's story 16 Jun 2017 01:13 #315428

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You are a real inspiration. You stayed in control even after getting caught up in inappropriate thoughts.   For the future why don't you filter your computer to the extent you cant access such images? Maybe it will come with some inconveniences but isn't it worth it? And besides the obvious practical benefits, the gedolei yisroel have said it brings extra s'yatta d'shmaya.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Dms1234's story 16 Jun 2017 03:31 #315445

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Thanks, I have a filter but l'maisah I know if i want to lust, i will find something to lust at. A filter can only do so much. I think that a filter is going to be able to solve my problems??? Haha!! Ya right. I need way more than that. A filter is just an added safeguard, which i need, but thats not real recovery. Recovery is doing my inventories and being really, really honest with myself. "Why am i looking this up again? aha, its too try to find a picture of an attractive girl? I see, is that really what i should be doing right now Mr. DMS. Is that what God wants? Is that His Will? Why dont you ask and listen to Him?" 

My previous sponsor was 2 and half years sober and he put a filter on his computer when i told him that I had one. He picked his own password. I said: "What are you doing??? having your own password?" He said (something like) if i get to the point where i want to disable the filter, then i know i am in real trouble. I know i am being dishonest. Away from God.

Thats real recovery. Thats what I want. I know others that dont have filters. They dont need them. They rely on God and know if they stick to God, then God will help them stay away.
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 
Last Edit: 16 Jun 2017 03:32 by dms1234.

Re: Dms1234's story 16 Jun 2017 10:32 #315457

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Very impressive story, especially for being away for so long.

Re: Dms1234's story 16 Jun 2017 11:18 #315459

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Its wonderful that there are people who have built up the self control to be clean even when they dont have a filter. It is also a fact that a filter is not foolproof. But it is also a fact that all gedolei yisroel have insisted we put in the strongest filters possible, and the G-d that you write we should rely on, wants us to listen to their instructions.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Dms1234's story 16 Jun 2017 12:08 #315461

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 16 Jun 2017 11:18:
Its wonderful that there are people who have built up the self control to be clean even when they dont have a filter. It is also a fact that a filter is not foolproof. But it is also a fact that all gedolei yisroel have insisted we put in the strongest filters possible, and the G-d that you write we should rely on, wants us to listen to their instructions.

The gedolei yisroel have insisted on filters as a preventive measure for the populace. They have not instructed people how to recover from this addiction (of sorts).
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Dms1234's story 16 Jun 2017 13:01 #315466

  • Gevura Shebyesod
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In keeping with the GYE tradition of quoting oneself...
Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 06 Nov 2016 16:48:
I just want to stick in my 0.02 regarding filters. i agree with what many have already said, that a filter will not make you sober. But at the same time, no matter what other tools you are using and how they are working for you, not having a filter is just irresponsible.

I'm not a 12-stepper although I have learned a lot from them. But even if someone is totally immersed in the steps and is completely relying on G-d to remove his obsession etc. etc., you still have to be responsible not to put yourself in temptation.

We all believe that everything is from Hashem and He controls everything that happens to us. But does that mean that we can sit around all day and wait for Mon to fall at our doorstep? We have to make the Hishtadlus and do our part, but know that in the end the results are in His hands. The same way, we can't stuff ourselves with tons of fatty junk food and say "Well if Hashem doesn't want me to get sick then I'll be OK". Or drive on a curvy cliff road with no guardrail at 90 MPH and hope that Hashem doesn't want us to die right now. The same way, we cant be around unfiltered devices all day and just rely that if temptation shows up then Hashem will remove it from us.

So think of the filter as a railing for your Steps
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...

My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: Dms1234's story 16 Jun 2017 13:15 #315469

  • cordnoy
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Although what gevura writes is נכרים דברי אמת, I do hear a flip side that if one is seriously workin' a program from within and that is his hishtadlus (and it is an effective one), a filter may be counterproductive.

Again, not always.
Again, not for all people.
Again, I'm not advisin' or suggestin'.

But for some, not havin' a filter might not be regarded as bein' "irresponsible."

This (like many things I write) might simply be the words of a manipulative, self-centered, egotistical, lust addict (and one with a bias).
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Dms1234's story 16 Jun 2017 13:42 #315473

  • GrowStrong
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cordnoy wrote on 16 Jun 2017 13:15:
Although what gevura writes is נכרים דברי אמת, I do hear a flip side that if one is seriously workin' a program from within and that is his hishtadlus (and it is an effective one), a filter may be counterproductive.

Again, not always.
Again, not for all people.
Again, I'm not advisin' or suggestin'.

But for some, not havin' a filter might not be regarded as bein' "irresponsible."

This (like many things I write) might simply be the words of a manipulative, self-centered, egotistical, lust addict (and one with a bias).

I have to admit i feel a lot more 'empowered' without a filter.
Being powerless over lust means that i am powerless if i start drinking. As long as I don't take the first sip I can get to step 11 and pray for the power at all times to carry out and know Hashem's Will. 
As a Jew, Gods Will is not such a mystery. its specified in halacha. 
It includes not searching for or looking at things that are driven by lust. 
Having said that, if i started to act in ways that were counter productive to my sobriety then i would place more filters. 
But a filter never stopped me from acting out before. And thats the key here..
For me, stopping to act out has to come from inside, and not outside. 
That means not placing myself in places I should not be, or searching for things i shouldn't search or looking at things i shouldn't look at. I need to know where i get triggered and keep away from them. And if i HAVE to go somewhere i need to have all the tools available to me to get through it.
f an open computer was triggering for me i would have had to deal with that, and if it ever becomes a trigger I will have to deal with it.
Focusing on dealing with my negative character traits and building a positive emotional sobriety and beginning the journey of reconnecting to God in a more personal way have been key to not 'acting out' for me.
I am not the case that anyone here should go by. Most people here do not work 'online' nor have any reason to be in front of an unfiltered device.

Re: Dms1234's story 16 Jun 2017 14:20 #315479

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A filter will not stop anyone from acting out. Once you want to act out, it's too late for outside obstacles to help. What the filter is really there for is to help prevent accidentally seeing something that might awaken the urge. It's just plain common sense. You don't have to be conscious of it or feel that you are "relying" on it. 

Like the railing on the steps. Nobody goes up the stairs thinking "it's a good thing there's a railing or i might be tempted to jump". And if someone wants to jump he can climb over. But if Chas Vesholom there's a banana peel on the steps...

And putting a railing where one can fall is actually a Mitzva in the Torah.
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...

My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: Dms1234's story 16 Jun 2017 21:14 #315513

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I should title my thread: dms's filter.

Thanks everyone for their contribution. I wasn't advocating not having a filter. All i know is right now, i need one. It wont help me stay stober but i need it now. 

This is what the big book says after a person does step 10 (continuing to take personal inventory):

"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically.

We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. "


I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 
Last Edit: 16 Jun 2017 21:15 by dms1234.

Re: Dms1234's story 19 Jun 2017 01:43 #315610

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I would like to thank God. Sobriety is a gift, and i am very grateful. And yet i am still powerless. I must realize this or else i will fall and fall and fall and then the end is near. Even on a joyous day like this, my neighbour beside her pool, could cause me to lust and lust. Thank God for people to call, thank God for inventories and thank God for the ability to reach out and help people suffering from lust.

One day at time. Today is an ordinary day. Where i need to my step 10/11 in the morning, call my sponsor, meditate, pray, make my calls. No sobriety birthday can every change what i need to do for myself, my sobriety, my life.  I have not beaten lust, nor will I ever. It hurts to say that but its true. I couldnt stop masturbating, couldnt stop looking at porn, couldnt stop fantasizing. I cant win. Its a lose, lose battle. 

Instead, I need to lower my pride and my ego and let God take over the reigns. I dont run the world, He does. His will, not mine be done. I, right now, make a decision to drop lust, fear, resentment, my will and decide to welcome Him into my life. He is in charge. My life is unmanageable. I cant do it alone and I am tired of life sucking. I really am. And i think there is a better life out there. A happy one. In fact, I felt it over the past year, not always but that relief, that serenity, that deep breath sensation is so much better than a life filled with lust, anger, fear and misery. 

One day at a time. What does God want from me at this moment? God I ask for the right thought or action, please help me. 
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 

Re: Dms1234's story 19 Jun 2017 02:59 #315612

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Mazel Tov on a full year!!!
God willing by all of us!!
Keep inspiring us!

Re: Dms1234's story 19 Jun 2017 03:05 #315613

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dms1234 wrote on 19 Jun 2017 01:43:
I would like to thank God. Sobriety is a gift, and i am very grateful. And yet i am still powerless. I must realize this or else i will fall and fall and fall and then the end is near. Even on a joyous day like this, my neighbour beside her pool, could cause me to lust and lust. Thank God for people to call, thank God for inventories and thank God for the ability to reach out and help people suffering from lust.

One day at time. Today is an ordinary day. Where i need to my step 10/11 in the morning, call my sponsor, meditate, pray, make my calls. No sobriety birthday can every change what i need to do for myself, my sobriety, my life.  I have not beaten lust, nor will I ever. It hurts to say that but its true. I couldnt stop masturbating, couldnt stop looking at porn, couldnt stop fantasizing. I cant win. Its a lose, lose battle. 

Instead, I need to lower my pride and my ego and let God take over the reigns. I dont run the world, He does. His will, not mine be done. I, right now, make a decision to drop lust, fear, resentment, my will and decide to welcome Him into my life. He is in charge. My life is unmanageable. I cant do it alone and I am tired of life sucking. I really am. And i think there is a better life out there. A happy one. In fact, I felt it over the past year, not always but that relief, that serenity, that deep breath sensation is so much better than a life filled with lust, anger, fear and misery. 

One day at a time. What does God want from me at this moment? God I ask for the right thought or action, please help me. 

Happy Dday

OD(ms)AAT "אני היום ילידתיך"
My Story---------Dov Quotes


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Last Edit: 19 Jun 2017 03:06 by Markz.

Re: Dms1234's story 19 Jun 2017 03:10 #315614

  • Gevura Shebyesod
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Happy Birthday!!!!!
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...

My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends
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