Guard Your Eyes - Forum Kunena Site Syndication https://guardyoureyes.com Sun, 26 Jan 2020 17:04:47 +0000 Kunena 1.6 https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/icons/rss.png Guard Your Eyes - Forum https://guardyoureyes.com/ en-gb Subject: introducing myself and looking to break free - by: zxxz11 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346937-introducing-myself-and-looking-to-break-free#346937 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346937-introducing-myself-and-looking-to-break-free#346937 Hi everyone and thank you for welcoming me to the GYE community. I have been here before many years ago. Im back. Back then I was single and now Im married with a few kids. I need some guidance from you guys. I have always been someone who craved sexuality. I have never done anything to fill that crave. I got excited when I would see pictures of girls but I did not struggle with constantly searching for it. When I was 18 I dabbled more with porn and when I experienced a personal trauma  (was exposed to a cheating incident) I turned to it again to self-soothe. I went to therapy  eventually got married and it did not seem to be an issue. Then a year in there was a moment that the opportunity to get my hand on an unfiltered phone and I fell. My wife was aware and it was not cool. This happened every so often (once every 2-3 months). Eventually I brought it up in therapy and we worked on it and it did not seem to be an issue rather it was dubbed “normal”. Since then I discussed it with my wife and she has been super supportive. We read amazing books together and it was and continues to be a real growing experience . I don’t own a smart phone, We have web chaver and I don’t have any passwords to any device not filtered. Anytime I sense a loophole I would share it with her and she would block it. Eventually I shared the trauma with my wife which helped her have a better understanding of where it all stemmed from. The open communication has been life changing. We read a book together which talks about how helpful it can be to turn to your wife when you struggle with porn (“love you, hate porn” is the title).

However, my struggle is as follows. I find myself in a situation which comes with some stressful “not in control” moments. We are in a state of unsettledness and it oftentimes gets to me.  I find that every 4-6 weeks this downward spiral starts to kick in. As it kicks in I feel less settled and I “need an escape”. I think to myself “porn can help me now. I have been so good I just need one little dose to help me out of this”. But the voice in my head replies back “ dude, you know it doesn’t work that way”. I usually bring my wife into it and after listening to me and giving me a big hug it sometimes goes away. But lately it has not been. I find myself wondering “what if that computer at work is unfiltered and I get a second with it” “what f that Ipad has an easy code”. Hmmmm, I start to wonder and the thought stays in the back of my mind. I cant seem to get it out. I go through my day and I find myself subconsciously deciding to not workout, not go to minyan so I can “feed” the downfall. Then I start to feel worse and then I get into craze mode of "now I really need this "and somehow I find that escape. A new computer at work, a new ipad that showed up. In the past, when I get my hands on a device I would just go to a website and that was enough to feel that rush without even gazing. I would close the computer instantly. Then there were times where I would go to the website and look for a little longer- a min. I usually took precautions to prevent it from happening again. I started doing well until the next wave comes. That was 6 weeks ago. On the latest fall I looked and stayed on it and spilled seed. When it was just a glance I would share with my wife because she knew something was wrong and she would cry with and hug me. It was very helpful. The masturbation part is too hard to share.

I am coming to you guys for some practical advice. I cant keep coming back to her like this. I feel bad and I am like “what am I doing to myself and why cant I just overcome it for once and for all. Why do I have to have that thought there linger until I fill it up with what I desire. I find all the “shower and exercise ideas help for a day and then the thought and crave is still there. It is there telling me “I will be here until you get it done and then I will make you feel miserable about it”. Rarely has the thought gone away from more than a day.

What do I do? Granted I am going through unsettled times in my life (career changes, moving) but this is adding to it and I want it out. For starters,  I will sign up with the 90 day chart. Does anyone here relate to this situation ? Should I check myself back in for therapy? Is this "normal"? am I an addict? should I join SA?

Any advice would be appreciated

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Break Free Fri, 24 Jan 2020 15:45:44 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346937-introducing-myself-and-looking-to-break-free#346937
Subject: Breaking free for Bochurim headed towards Shidduch - by: Yid613400 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346886-Breaking-free-for-Bochurim-headed-towards-Shidduch#346886 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346886-Breaking-free-for-Bochurim-headed-towards-Shidduch#346886
I'm fairly new to GYE. I'm 21 and have been struggling for quite a few years.

It's always been bothering me and I've tried countless times to stop watching porn etc. 

I've even spoken and confided with my rebbi about it, nothing seems to help. I have a filter and of course I get around it. I've tried leaving my phone out of my room at night .....

Its all hit me recently beacuse my parents started talking about shidduchim, which to me seems very scary, to enter into a new stage in life with a new person that you are supposed to support and be supported by, but at the same time have this nasty addiction?!???

Any help would be greatly appreciated.]]>
Break Free Wed, 22 Jan 2020 03:17:04 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346886-Breaking-free-for-Bochurim-headed-towards-Shidduch#346886
Subject: Chat With A Teenager... gevurah from hashem - by: DavidT https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346749-Chat-With-A-Teenager-gevurah-from-hashem#346749 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346749-Chat-With-A-Teenager-gevurah-from-hashem#346749 This is a chat that I recently had with a 17 year old boy. I am posting it here with his permission and all identifying or possible personal content has been removed.  
I hope other teens (and anyone else) will read this and get inspiration that it's possible to be strong and win with Hashems help...

(your feedback on the conversation is appreciated)  

------------------------------------------------------------------

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Am i always gonna have temptations and always have to fight myself not to?,

Message by DavidT: the temptations become much weaker as you build self control muscles,

Message by DavidT: I know many singles that pulled out of it very nicely and so will you IYH,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Like i dont fall every day so its not like a clean day is a big achievement,

Message by DavidT: if you have a temptation and you keep strong... its a very big achievement,

Message by DavidT: you must view each clean day as a major achievement and celebrate it,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Alright sounds good,

Good Morning, how is your day going? Keeping strong?

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Bh i am doing well. And keeping string yesterday was clean,

Message by DavidT: Great! you made my day... keep it up and remember, every clean day is a major win and it will add up quickly... till you get to the ultimate goal of being completely clean , with Hashems help,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Yea BH!!,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: IY"H i will be clean soon,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Like for ever,

Message by DavidT: Good morning, I'm just checking in. Are you keeping strong?,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Yea im still clean!!!,

Message by DavidT: Have a great shabbos and keep strong,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Thank you you to. Thanks i will i havent fallen in five days,

Message by DavidT: B"H, you made my day!  you'll keep on growing and one day you'll help others too

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Amen!! IY"H

Message by DavidT: Hi, how was shabbos? is today a day off, or same as every day?,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Shabbos was good still didnt fall.,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Does it make sense that since im not doing it, i feel like sad and depressed and like i keep asking myself why im trying to stop myself. But im staying strong, Sunday,

Message by DavidT: its extremely common. the yetzer hora has many good tricks. When you get these feelings you need to visualize the pain and terrible feeling that you have right after a fall...  The fact is that the pleasure of not acting out and  having self-control is much greater,

Message by DavidT: Hello, how is it going

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Still havent fallen!!,

Message by DavidT: are you counting the clean days?,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Yea like im at 9 now i yhink,

Message by DavidT: WOW B"H! keep it up. It will not be an easy journey , but klal yisroel needs you to be clean so you'l be able to help others ... and IYH you'll have a great bright future ahead ... there is so much at stake here

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Shoot i feel like im gonna fall,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: I feel really weak,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Is it ok if i fall? I deserve it. I have been so good for so long...,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Im stronger than this. Im not gonna let myself fall!!!,

Message by DavidT: Hey. I was in shul davening for you..., I never had such a case like you, I want to ask you a few things,

Message by DavidT: 1- do you agree that a create a forum post with the text messages of our conversation (without your identity of course)? I think it will go viral,

2- where did you get such gevura from? Your parents?,I'm genuinely amazed.. not trying to just make you feel good,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Thank you so much for davening for me!!! It definitely helped!,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: My Gevurah is all from Hashem. I have been davening for gevurah for monthns now and Its just I know that Hashem gave me a test and i know that Hashem knows I can pass it so today when i texted you i was gonna fall i was ready to let myself fall. I made excuses to myself like "its fine because I have been good and deserve it" but then i just thought "why do i want to do this. Its not worth it. I feel better when i dont do it. Im happier long term. I am stronger than the temptations" and i just closed my phone and went to my living room and learnt some gemara,

Message by DavidT: Beyond amazing..., I'm really embarrassed... you're much stronger than I was at your age...,

Message by {17 YO Boy}: Dont be embarrassed. Im strong with your help,

]]>
Break Free Thu, 16 Jan 2020 16:27:01 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346749-Chat-With-A-Teenager-gevurah-from-hashem#346749
Subject: Some good ideas to overcome urges - by: RecoveratGYE https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346595-Some-good-ideas-to-overcome-urges#346595 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346595-Some-good-ideas-to-overcome-urges#346595 One of the techniques I use is, after a fall I write down on a piece of paper how I feel in as much detail and emotions as possible, and put the paper away somewhere.
And than after one time that I win and overcome my urges I do the same thing, I write down on a piece of paper how I feel in as much detail and emotions as possible, and put it away somewhere.
And next time I have a urge and struggle I take out both papers and read it (out loud if possible) a few times, and thik to myself how do i want to feel this time? Do I want to feel disappointed and disgusted with myself? Or do I want to feel good and accomplished?.
And that helps me overcome my urges.
Just wanted to share a technique/idea that might help someone someday.
If you have any other techniques and/or ideas please share I/we will really appreciate it.
Thanks in advance.]]>
Break Free Thu, 09 Jan 2020 06:53:58 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346595-Some-good-ideas-to-overcome-urges#346595
Subject: Giving up self control or strengthening it - by: DavidT https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346577-Giving-up-self-control-or-strengthening-it#346577 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346577-Giving-up-self-control-or-strengthening-it#346577

There are a few ways to look at this:

​1- Addiction and regular lust sufferers are 2 different (maybe opposite?) things. If that's the case, how can one differentiate and know what he or his friend is struggling with?    

2- Addiction has many levels and each level needs to be dealt with differently. 

3- Giving up self control means, to realize that without G-D we have no control, but we still have bechira and with G-D's help we can strengthen our self control. 

Any insights on this? It's very important as we're trying to help ourselves and others to know how to identify struggles and how to work on them.]]>
Break Free Wed, 08 Jan 2020 15:33:23 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346577-Giving-up-self-control-or-strengthening-it#346577
Subject: Start with being completely clean or small steps? - by: DavidT https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346526-Start-with-being-completely-clean-or-small-steps#346526 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346526-Start-with-being-completely-clean-or-small-steps#346526 This might depend on how deep a person is and if he is really addicted...
From one side, going cold turkey can be too hard to achieve so taking baby steps seems more realistic, from the other side as long as the person still acts out even if its less than before, he might still be fully pulled back in...
Not sure what the right balance is...

I'm asking this to be able to help people that reach out for help and they ask, whats my first step?]]>
Break Free Sun, 05 Jan 2020 18:34:03 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346526-Start-with-being-completely-clean-or-small-steps#346526
Subject: Welcome New Members—A great book on Shmiras Enayim - by: Captain https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346504-Welcome-New-Members%E2%80%94A-great-book-on-Shmiras-Enayim#346504 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346504-Welcome-New-Members%E2%80%94A-great-book-on-Shmiras-Enayim#346504
Download free PDF on GYE website here:https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation?category_id=149

Get a softcover copy from Amazon at Cost-Price:https://www.amazon.com/Battle-Generation-Hillel-S/dp/1491046945/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+battle+of+the+generation&qid=1557515065&s=gateway&sr=8-1


With the author's permission, here is an excerpt (part of Chapter 1):

There is a little secret the yetzer hara doesn’t want you to know. It’s the secret that spells his doom. And it’s the secret that will change your destiny.

Our generation faces challenges never encountered before by mankind. Society teaches that there is nothing wrong with immorality, and it portrays the most despicable acts as glamorous. We are taught that chasing desire is cool, and that those who don’t are missing out on life. Sin is readily available, and there is little to hold us back.

            Society also trains us to think we are incapable of controlling ourselves. We see everyone around us giving in to crazy temptations, and we think it is impossible to win. We might even hear people openly express how impossible a fight it is, which discourages us from even trying. With all that’s going on, our generation seems to be at a huge disadvantage. It seems that we were born in perhaps the worst situation in our nation’s history, at least from a spiritual perspective.

            But that’s only if you ignore the yetzer hara’s secret.

            Before he became king, Dovid Hamelech married Shaul Hamelech’s daughter Michal, a very beautiful woman. Shortly after their marriage, Shaul turned against Dovid, forcing him to flee. The Gemara (Sanhedrin 19b) relates that Shaul ruled that the method by which Dovid had married Michal was halachically invalid, and therefore, they were not married. Shaul then had her married to a man named Palti. Realizing that Shaul was wrong and that Michal was married to Dovid, Palti held himself back from sinning — even though he and Michal lived in the same house for five years. The Gemara states that Palti’s demonstration of self-control was far superior to Yosef’s when he faced the challenge of the wife of Potifar. Clearly, this was an extremely challenging situation for Palti. Nevertheless, Palti employed superhuman self-control and held himself back.

            After five years, Dovid became king and sent for Michal to be brought back to him. Palti traveled with her as she returned and was crying. The Gemara explains that Palti was crying over the mitzvah that was leaving him.

            This Gemara is perplexing. Why was Palti sad that Michal was going back to Dovid? As a person who valued his service of Hashem, he should have been relieved that his challenge was finally over! Why was he upset about losing his ability to sin?

            In Shmuz 145: “Stages of Change: Taking Action” (www.TheShmuz.com), Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier answers that we learn a powerful lesson from Palti’s attitude in his battle against desire. Rather than growing frustrated about the desires that threatened to disturb his spiritual aspirations, Palti was excited to face this challenge. Palti did not view his situation as an annoying obstacle impeding his spiritual growth. He realized that it was an opportunity for him to serve Hashem in an unprecedented manner. He understood that with this test, Hashem was giving him a phenomenal opportunity to accomplish and reach greatness. This perspective led him to win perhaps the most difficult battle against desire in history.

            In Pirkei Avos (5:23), Ben Hei Hei teaches us that Heavenly reward is meted out in accordance with how much a person exerts himself. Our Sages teach us that this is a major principle in the calculation of reward and greatness. How hard a person works to accomplish something is one of the primary determining factors in how great the accomplishment is. When a person faces overwhelming challenges and overcomes them, he performs acts that are truly great.

Overcoming difficulty is so basic to true accomplishment that it is the reason Hashem places man into a life so full of challenges (Mesillas Yesharim, Chapter 1). Hashem wants to provide man with the opportunity to win his battles and truly accomplish. Challenges are only there to make us great!

Our successes are impressive only because the yetzer hara challenges us from every direction, trying to confuse and derail us. When we hang in there and try to succeed despite how much we want to give in, we are performing monumental acts of greatness. Succeeding despite the difficulty is the point of life! The harder it is, the greater it makes us.


Again, click here to download:https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation?category_id=149

And here to buy it:https://www.amazon.com/Battle-Generation-Hillel-S/dp/1491046945/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+battle+of+the+generation&qid=1557515065&s=gateway&sr=8-1]]>
Break Free Fri, 03 Jan 2020 17:54:46 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346504-Welcome-New-Members%E2%80%94A-great-book-on-Shmiras-Enayim#346504
Subject: How do you get yourself motivated? - by: farblunjet https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346453-How-do-you-get-yourself-motivated#346453 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346453-How-do-you-get-yourself-motivated#346453
So, the last few times it's been easier to get to 9-10 clean days. I'm currently holding at about 9 days clean and don't feel the urge so great. But I feel empty, lethargic, and depressed. Energy is very low. Missed tefilin today. Everything just seems like a blur. No excitement in life. What to do?]]>
Break Free Thu, 02 Jan 2020 01:19:31 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346453-How-do-you-get-yourself-motivated#346453
Subject: Searching for a Rebbe, Need info! - by: Street https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346433-Searching-for-a-Rebbe-Need-info%21#346433 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346433-Searching-for-a-Rebbe-Need-info%21#346433 Break Free Wed, 01 Jan 2020 03:53:29 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346433-Searching-for-a-Rebbe-Need-info%21#346433 Subject: I fell and i need help! - by: wanttoshteig https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346392-I-fell-and-i-need-help%21#346392 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346392-I-fell-and-i-need-help%21#346392 Break Free Mon, 30 Dec 2019 16:58:50 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346392-I-fell-and-i-need-help%21#346392