Guard Your Eyes - Forum

Subject: Telling Parents - by: fighterwithfire

Fri, 10 Nov 2023 01:21:45 +0000

Hey all, long time no speak. B"H, at 59 days, feeling great-a little bit weaker than previous weeks, but Bli Ayin Hara not in the danger zone.
Feel like I need to provide a quick summary of my story to provide background: I first was exposed to porn (I have never struggled with masturbation in any form, B"H-don't know why, but I'm certainly not complaining) over 5 years ago on an improperly filtered computer in the house. For almost 4 years I struggled with watching increasing amounts of porn, nearly getting caught several times, but keeping it a secret from my parents (and everyone else) all the while. Just after Pesach 5782/2022, mired in depression and anxiety, I finally worked up the courage to call HHM and get help. That, combined with my miracle worker & Godsend of a therapist (the only other person to know of the problem), allowed me to begin to heal and grow both as a person and as a Ben Torah, B"H. Not long afterwards I went to Eretz Yisrael and B"H flourished, watching less and less pornography (as I did not have access to the Internet very often) and coming back home this past Pesach on a high note. Unfortunately, I began to fall again repeatedly once home, as the unfiltered (or partially filtered, I.E., filters that were not hard to get around) devices lying around provided constant temptation, and as my parents had no clue of what was going on, it was difficult to get them to see the need to properly filter said devices.
Now we get to the point. As I began Shidduchim not too long after my arrival home, it became clear to me that while my watching porn had B"H significantly diminished in frequency, it was still a recurring issue, which I obviously could not afford to have at this critical stage of life. I grit my teeth and had multiple delicate conversations with my parents about the necessity for proper filters (still without telling them about my personal struggles), and got them to properly filter most (but not all) of the devices in the home. I also reached out to HHM for additional support and he put me in touch with 2 terrific partners, who provided (and still provide) nonstop streams of motivation, support and encouragement day in and day out. This helped enormously, to the point that my viewing porn was less frequent than ever, but as I hinted above, it didn't close all the gaps, and I came to the realization that the only way to properly get rid of the access to porn was to tell my parents the truth.
But I was simply too afraid. Afraid of their reactions, of their possible (and in my view at the time, probable) disappointment, anger and worry, of the hurt in their voices as they would ask me why I hadn't told them before now.
Rosh HaShana arrived, and I thought to myself over and over of what an incredible year of growth it had been, and how I could have an even better year in 5783-if I would just tell my parents and close the gaps, thus eliminating the remaining threats to my possible destruction, and helping me be in the best possible place I could be-not only for this critical time in my life, but for the rest of it. This thought lingered in my brain and festered over the Aseres Y'mei Teshuva, until Yom Kippur. Then it began to really take hold.
Came Neilah, and I suddenly broke down. Tears flowed. I cried like a baby. I could barely stand from emotion. I was practically collapsing on the table from sobbing during Avinu Malkeinu. I made up my mind on the spot. I was going to do what I had sought to avoid doing for 5 years.
The second Havdalah ended, I told my parents I needed to speak to them privately and urgently-had I waited another minute, I might have lost the nerve. Sobbing-partially from emotion, partially from fear-I told them practically everything (I left out the gory details, and told them that I was doing so intentionally, which they understood-no need for them to know, they got more than the gist).
And you know what? Telling them has been one of the best decisions of my life.
I've been clean every day since (and I'd already been clean for a bit before that night, B"H at 59 days now). I've barely felt the urge, as there's hardly any access (one device that I have access to in this house has not been filtered yet, but it will be soon, per my parents' promise, and it's kept in their room in the meantime for that reason) to speak of, and I'm feeling fantastic-more complete and תמימות'דיק than I ever thought possible, בלי עין הרע. HHM had been encouraging me to tell them for quite some time, and my only regret now is not telling them sooner. Their reactions were, B"H, much better than I would have expected-not without emotion and tears, but with considerably more understanding and grace than I had braced myself for. As I said, things have gotten immeasurably better and easier. I feel like a different person. Aside from the aforementioned benefits that resulted from that conversation, the mere act of telling them in and of itself was incredibly emboldening-it was having the guts to do something that I never thought I'd be able to do, and then actually doing it. Their surprisingly understanding reactions were the icing on the cake.
Now, obviously, every situation is different. I'm not recommending that every fellow Bochur who hasn't told his parents about his fight should go and do so right now. This post is for those who are considering it, who realize it would be helpful, who know that it would benefit them greatly in the long run, but are afraid of doing so.
I was that Bochur. But I did it. And both my רוחניות AND גשמיות have been elevated to levels I never thought I'd reach since then.
Trust me, I know the feeling. Nothing needs to be decided on right now. But it can be done.
If it's going to help-if you're convinced that it will benefit you-but you're afraid of what will follow in the short term, take a deep breath.
Then go for it.
Hatzlacha Rabba to all my fellow fighters.
FWF

Subject: BH REACHED 365 DAYS CLEAN - by: ytw

Sun, 05 Nov 2023 18:28:40 +0000

Hi,
it is with great excitement that I can share that I bh reached a full year clean, I'm so thankful to Hashem and to his messangers here at gye @hhm, and the whole team and chavrayeh.

Subject: My personal war against the YH - by: adam2014

Fri, 03 Nov 2023 11:59:02 +0000

Hi all,

I have been lurking in the shadows of GYE for a number of years and just in the last month or so, came into the light and started posting. I see that my posts are all over the place and decided to start a new Topic about me and my struggles and not hijack other peoples threads.

My story is simple and unfortunately common. I am in my 50's and happily married with two amazing kids and I am addicted to P and M. Have been for decades and I see it getting worse. My sex life with my wife is almost non-existent at this point as my focus is on P and M. It is easily available, never says no, never judges my performance, and gives me the variety that a 30+ year marriage doesn't. I am also going down a slippery slope in regards to the types of porn I am watching, they are getting darker and darker and things that in the past would have disgusted me are now things that I seek out. That scares me!

I come for a non-orthodox home and do not live in an observant neighborhood. I live in a town that if I had to say is mostly Reform and Conservative Jews. I hate putting labels on Jews, because a Jew is a Jew and their level of observance does not mean they are Less-Jewish than anyone else. I just say this for context so you know where I am at.

I am hesitant to call myself a Baal Teshuva, but I have greatly increased my observance in the last 8 years after my first trip to Israel. I still have a long way to go (like everyone) but HaShem has blessed me in so many ways and if this struggle was taken away, I think that I could climb so much higher. Maybe this is the final Nisayon that is holding me back? I don't know... only HaShem knows.

I am working though the F2F program and chatting with a few on you guys online. I am still not ready to speak on the phone about it. Hashem Help Me as graciously sent me his number and told me to call him anytime. He will be my first call when I get the courage.

I want to limit the technology in my life and try to give myself a little advantage in this fight. I work in IT so I am surrounded by Smartphones and unfiltered computers all day. I am trying to get rid of my personal smartphone and use a dumb phone. I want to do it for a few reasons. One, it is the first choice that I go to when I want to act out. Second, every time that I pull it out of my pocket it will be a reminder of the battle that I am in. I know that it is far from the only problem I am facing, but I think that both logistically and symbolically it will greatly enhance my chances.

At this point 7 days is my best, with normally 2 to 3 days seems to be the norm.

That is my story and would appreciate any thoughts, ideas, prayers, well wishes or any kind of inspiration you guys could give. This website seems to be full of amazing people and would like to get to know as many of you as possible.

Subject: Self sabotaging - by: mount...

Fri, 03 Nov 2023 00:09:42 +0000

Hi, I've been struggling with P&M for many years now. In the past I've had times when I've done really well (abstaining for months), but for the past few years I've been really struggling to get anywhere past a few days.

Recently I went to therapy to try to get to the bottom of it, and after working through many things, I came to the realisation that I am self sabotaging. I noticed that I get enthusiastic about quitting and come up with new plans and work on therapy / engage with GYE etc, but then when I start making progress and quitting begins to become more "real" I sabotage it and let it all slip. I think I try to quit enough to calm my conscience that I'm working on it, but I never allow it to progress far enough to actually quit it properly.

After thinking about this, I think that the reason I self sabotage is because deep down I really don't want to stop for the following reasons:

I enjoy it (it gives me enjoyment, excitement, and satiates my curiosity) and I don't want to give up the pleasure for good.
I don't want to be restricted for the rest of my life by having to always hold myself back from my desires.
P&M helps me regulate my emotions and clear my head, and I don't know if I can cope without it.
It's familiar and a comfort.

Because of this I feel that I'll never succeed unless I work through the self sabotaging first, and help myself get to a place where want to quit more (not just intellectually).

Has anyone else had this issue, or does anyone have any suggestions to help me make myself want to quit more?

Subject: Looking for mentor/partner - by: nice Jewish Guy

Thu, 02 Nov 2023 10:09:54 +0000

I tried what is on the site and it didn't work out for me and I'm trying to see if I can find someone who can help me figure out how to beat my yetzar.

About me single guy living in Israel. Been struggling with masturbation (only masturbation) for years. Want to break free, want someone to talk with and brainstorm with