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yechida's reflections
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TOPIC: yechida's reflections 121794 Views

Re: yechida's reflections 04 Nov 2016 08:39 #297308

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Avraham brought the men close to Hashem & Sarah brought the women close to Hashem

This is the natural order of things. True, there are circumstances when men can influence women positively & vis versa but there are inherent dangers that are very real when these interactions occur. So great caution needs to be taken when coming into contact with the opposite gender-even for noble purposes.

When one prays for "Daas"=he should also pray that his mind should be clear & pure in regards to these interactions & that he should not fall into a corrupt state of mind of lust & lack of control.

The truth is that any interaction especially with the opposite gender requires clear thought , prayer, & clarity of a noble purpose to serve Hashem

Re: yechida's reflections 06 Nov 2016 10:32 #297382

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All of you are loved by Hashem

here is a poem I read that resonates

INNER WHISPER


As
The years rush me by

Leaving
The void of ideas unwritten
Dreams never realised and
Hopes unaccomplished

Throughout the winter
Upon the clammy ocean
The shivering on the frozen
Decks and the
Fearsome
Fire of
Frostbite.

One thing remains
Constant in my heart
The presence of knowing
The power of perception that
I
AM
LOVED

Re: yechida's reflections 14 Nov 2016 12:58 #297812

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Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future

Re: yechida's reflections 20 Nov 2016 10:46 #298092

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excessive wine drinking leads to self-destruction. used in proper measure, it can be a stepping stone towards greatness. not only Kiddush wine or seder wine or purim wine.

important note-some people have addictive tendencies & even small doses of wine can lead to major alcohol abuse. Kiddush clubs can escalate into family nightmares . -in those situations, & with people that have such tendencies wine should never be used-not even for Kiddush or seder or purim-use grape juice

wine represents physical pleasures. the same concept applied -& certainly when it comes to sexual pleasure

even within marriage, if sexual gratification is misused or overused-it can destroy a person & a marriage. sexual pleasure needs to be  elevated as Kiddush/seder/purim wine.

sexual intimacy is an integral part of marriage (not just to have children-the actual physical union even not for reproduction is also a very vital aspect of any marriage) . But never lose sight of the true purpose while interacting in that pleasure-using it towards the true purpose which is to get closer to Hashem , to solidify the sholom bayis in all aspects of the marriage, & to appreciate & have hakoras Hatov to ones spouse & Hashem for this gift & all gifts given to you

Re: yechida's reflections 21 Nov 2016 00:50 #298180

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Hmmm a glass of wine always welcome. 

you really got me thinking here, I love wine and intimacy, but I never compared it to one another, But as always you have a great point. And tnx for bringing it out so nicely.

i guess ill ill have to cut on my wine drinking.
Last Edit: 21 Nov 2016 00:54 by Yyy.

Re: yechida's reflections 23 Nov 2016 00:59 #298339

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The Sfas Emes makes a very powerful observation. Eliezer , being the servant of Avraham followed his ways as a man of "Chessed" & therefore he was the perfect messenger  to find Rivka who excelled in this middah of "Chesed"

Rivka , being in her essence "Chesed" was a perfect shidduch for Yitzchok whose essence is "Gevurah"

It was Hashem's plan to sweeten the Gevurah of Yitzchok with the Chessed of Rivka

The beautiful blend of harmony & a opportunity for our inner selves as well as our marriages should be blessed with the structure of holy gevurah sweetened by true chessed

we need those protective gevurah structures but we need chesed to create warmth & love & kindness within that structure

May all judgments on Klall Yisroel be sweetened -may the chessed of Rivka blend with the Gevurah of Yitzchok bringing the Shechinah into our homes!!!  

Re: yechida's reflections 27 Nov 2016 10:43 #298590

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Yaakov was sitting in Tents. While most explain this to say that Yaakov was in the Beis Midrash learning Torah-some  meforshim explain that he dwelled in the Tents-The Tent of Rachel & The Tent of Leah.

The obvious question on this explanation is that Yaakov at this point  was not married, hadn't even met Rachel & Leah & certainly wasn't dwelling in their tents!!!

The answer is that conceptually, even while unmarried, he was already there. His mind & heart was clear & he knew of what middos he needed to work on & what mindset he needed to have to build the family of Klall Yisroel-even then, he was in the tents of Rachel & Leah. 

Esav was a man of the field-in concept too- he married but even when married he wasn't moral & committed immoral acts-the concept of tents was foreign to him .

Truth is that their natures were different & Eisav wasn't expected to be enclosed as Yaakov was, He was indeed a man of the field. But he needed to learn from Yaakov & also incorporate the concept of tents to go along with his going out in the field. David Hamalech intrinsically has Eisav's characteristics-he was also in essence a man of the field -but David sang to God in the fields, he fought wars to Hashem in the fields & he too knew to bring the tent into his life-He also learned a lot of Torah & connected with the Sanhedrin in the Tents of Torah. 

If Eisav would have chosen to do as David did-He would have become very great-even as a man of the field

Yaakov, as a man of the tents , needed to also integrate the "fields" into his life. Yes, he learned Torah in tents & even hid 14 years in non-stop learning in the tents of Torah-But Hashem also in His Master Plan forced Yaakov in the fields of Lavan,   having to deal with a lot of "field" issues -whether reluctantly "stealing" the berachos from Eisav , dealing with Shechem, fighting with the spiritual forces of Eisav, & ultimately ending up in Egypt -though creating a Tent in Goshen -was still in the open exposed field of Mitzrayim

All this teaches that while one needs to be true to his or her own nature & to use it wisely, one needs the opposite characteristic as well to create a harmony & beauty in serving Hashem.

Re: yechida's reflections 04 Dec 2016 07:40 #299050

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yechidah wrote on 20 Jul 2009 18:32:
A letter to the wife of the GYE husband-written by a Yid

Before I start,I reiterate that this letter is written by a Yid-little mr. yechida here.Your husband did not know I would write this and certainly he didn't ask me to.It's important that you keep this in mind as you read this letter

Also,an important disclaimer.every life,every marriage is unique,and some may go through extraordinary situations.so if chas v'sholom one of you is suffering from a serious illness such as cancer or the like,or the illness and death of a child,then parts of this letter will not apply to you,because Hashem placed before you an extraordinary situation that requires a separate unique discussion,and with special sensitivity.so you must know that a letter such as this requires several assumptions,that you and your husband are in general physical good health,and that both of you are or were or is going or will be going through challanges that face our generation.some of these include struggle with parnassah,with chinuch of children of various ages,stress of daily living,or working together on common problems,paying bills,PTA problems,interaction  with parents,in-laws,nosy relatives and neighbors,shul members,the good stress of a simcha of a child born or bar mitzvah or marriage,the hard stress of an aged parent that takes ill and will soon leave this world.Almost every Yid,every couple will go through this,and please keep in mind that it is within this context that I am writing.

Now,let's start.First,an very important general observation.This world is an upside-down world.people's perceptions are way off.good is bad.bad is good.high is low.low is  high.So it's important when you assess a situation,you do not pay attention to what people say.You need to observe it yourself correctly,and then do what Hashem wants you to do.

One time,in my first year of marriage,someone close to me told me a negative aspect about my wife.a true negative aspect.and I did what Hashem wanted me to do.I threw the negative comment in the garbage.because Hashem gave me this neshomoh,my true zivvug,from 40 days before I was born.So either He wants me to ignore the negative or He wants me to look at the good in her and build on it.And even if you say that Hashem wants me to see this true negative trait in her,it is only so that I can help heal her not hurt her.like a doctor who looks at an ugly gaping wound.he is looking at it to find a way to heal it.,he doesn't spit at the wound in disgust or contempt.

remember this: a true thing,looked at the wrong way-is false.

Now,you may ask,why am I talking to you?I wouldn't be able to say why because I would start crying before the words came out.so I write it.because I love you like a brother who loves his one and only sister,yes,you who I do not know,you who I will never see nor want to see on this physical earth(after 120 or when moshiach comes-that's a different story),you whom if comes my way I would cross the street to the other side.I love you because you are a daughter of Hashem,and because you love my dear friend-your husband,whom I haven't seen either.

How do I love so intensely people I don't know and will never see?Spend time on this website.you will learn and you will understand.

So,your husband is here.either because he has within him an unhealthy addiction,or if not an actual addiction,he has within him an intense struggle,a strong pull toward unhealthy thoughts and emotions that he must battle with on a day-to-day or sometimes an hour-to-hour basis.You discover this.either because he finally tells you or you stumbled across it with hashgacha pratis,and he is forced to open up and tell you.then it's natural to feel very painful complex emotions,-anger,hurt,fear,confusion.If you husband is here at GYE, he aready understands that you have every right to feel this way. But what I need to tell you ,is that you need to look into yourself and try to understand that there are parts to these emotions that are in the wrong place.my dear sister,feeling hurt and upset is OK.but you really need to know,I mean really really know,why you feel this way.

How do I know your husband?let me tell you in this parable,this mashal.your husband and I are climbing up this very steep tall mountain.Then this heavy-weight full muscled 300 pound mobster appears suddenly and shoves the both of us violently down the mountain.We are both rolling down at great speed.Then I smash into a big boulder,a large rock.I suffer head trauma as well as several broken ribs.but it stops my fall.your husband,only several inches to my right,misses the boulder,and continues rolling furthur down the hill.He finally stops,much furthur down,suffering more,and now he finds inner strengh within him to get up and start climbing again.

Now my sister,this is what I meant about the world being an upside-down place.on the outside,it would appear that I am greater than your husband.After all,I'm higher up on the mountain.But isn't that absurd?do you not see how ridiculous that thought is?that large rock that stopped my fall did not come because of anthing good I did,did not come because of any special zchus.Hashem for reasons not known to me wanted me to be shoved down and to slam me into this rock.and your husband,also for reasons not known,was just at the path that missed that rock by inches.I'm not making excuses for wrong choices, but it is clear as day that your husband is greater than I and has more inner strengh.I look down the hill at him,fighting and fighting to climb up,and I am humbled.I see a greatness in him that you may not yet see-but you will.  


And the real "holy" man,the ones that you think are great,whom in your anger  and hurt say"that's the one I should have married"-that "holy" man is the one that never experienced that violent shove,never felt the pain of being in a dark place,never had been shattered by a severe fall. Hashem only had him in safe protected places.Take them out of these safe places-and they fold like a cheap camera.

If your husband is here at GYE,then he is in a place that is like a brutally honest mirror.He already looked into himself with brutal honesty,however painful,sees in himself things that he doesn't like,doesn't like at all.He sees what he needs to fix,what he must fix,to become closer to Hashem again ,and yes my beloved sister, to become closer to you again,in a way that it is deeper and closer then it ever was before this began.

Men are men.he may have difficulty telling you this in words,but I know his heart.He loves you very deeply.He knows that Hashem gave you to him from 40 days before he was born.and he knows that he hurt you very much.and if he is here he feels that hurt as intensely as you do.because that's what this great GYE mirror does.To be here,even nameless,requires great courage,honesty,humility,and the determination to fix hurts,to fix what is wrong.

now,my dear sister,in this part,I have to repeat,that it's just a simple Yid,mr little yechida saying this,not your husband,so if what I'm about to say upsets you,then be angry at mr yechida here,not your husband,because he's not saying these words.All I can say is that I love you and I ask you to listen with an open mind.

The hurt you feel should only be when the act of faithlessness occurs.even if he fought with all his might,and was pushed down hard,you have every right to feel that hurt,that stab of pain,when this fall occurs.

But you have no right,no right whatsoever,to blame your husband for the struggle itself,this sexual urge,this very pull to look at attractive women,this need for intimacy.Be upset if he falls,but to be angry at the fact that he is in this struggle in the first place is wrong-very wrong.

So for example.you and your husband have a sheva berochos to go to.men and women separate.no mechitzah.or you are both going to an important appointment,and in these places,in the simcha hall,the train ,the waiting room,there are attractive women there,some dressed in immodest fashion.or your'e both taking a walk together ,and a group of girls appear across the street,one better looking then the other.

you are sharp and observant and as the saying goes you were not born yesterday.you know your husband well.you see him struggle with himself,looking at the floor,or saying tehilim quietly,or staring into a sefer or yated or hamodia or whatever.You feel this bitter anger coming up inside you,not because he is failing his test ,but because he has this struggle within him.Shouldn't I be everything to him?why should his mind and heart go in that direction?

This,my beloved sister is misplaced anger.If he stares at this beautiful woman across the street ,then yes, he has hurt you.But if he doesn't look,he is looking down,or in a sefer,is forcing himself to think of a dvar torah,or he is davening to Hashem to help him with this,or he forces himself to go to meetings which is the last place he wants to be,then you are wrong,even cruel for being angry at him.Complain to the Creator that created him!!!!!!you should be proud,he is fighting,he is a warrior,he's trying so hard for Hashem,he's trying so hard for you,his true zivvug,his dear wife.You should love him for this.not be ashamed of him for this.

If your husband is here,at GYE,he already feels great shame when he falls.as I said before GYE is full of Ahavas Yisroel,but it is also a brutally honest mirror.He is staring at his faults,it hurts terribly,it hurts so much,but he is not looking away.he is trying his hardest ,figuring out how to fix what is wrong.

so,my sister,I'm saying this with ahavah because...It hurts so much to say this,it's good I'm writing ,not talking,because the tears are coming,I don't want to say this but I have to because I love you.your husband's struggles do not give you the excuse not to look into the mirror yourself.A GYE type mirror.you may not have these unhealthy sexual-type urges,but like every human being on this earth,there are things that are wrong with you that you need to fix,you must be brave,you must stare yourself down,you must force yourself to see the ugly in you,and also look at the good and build on that too.There are many things you need to learn about yourself.It will hurt alot.But it's the only way you will heal,and become a better person,a better mother,a better wife.

single young men and women that are here at GYE,could and should read this.especially what I am writing next.I know your parents,your rabbeim,your teachers would have wished that you wouldn't be exposed to these matters just yet.But you have been exposed and you are here, so tough luck.There are alot of things that I would like to tell you if you are willing to listen with a open mind,things that would make your harsh,powerful struggles somewhat easier,to learn and understand why your'e feeling all this complicated stuff that is inside you.

I am a nobody.but in you zchus,because you are here and trying so hard to be good and loyal to Hashem,He allows me to see some little truths that may help and to have the honor to talk to you-but only if you want to.

Now back to my beloved sister.If you and your husband go and ask about issues regarding intimacy to ten rabbonim,you will receive 10 different opinions on the matter.It can be very confusing.and here is the general universal truth.(please keep in mind the disclaimer in the beginning).marriage is like a beautiful vase ,broken in two.It needs glue to become together as One.Too much glue,the vase becomes very ugly.too little glue,the peices do not connect and fall apart from each other.toomuch intimacy ,both of you will lose the main focus in life and things turn ugly.too little,you will be like two ships passing in the night.I've seen couples like this.It's heartbreaking.Children,especially teenagers see this in thier parents and it breaks thier heart too.You both need to talk privately to Hashem,asking him to help you both find a proper balance,a middle point that will make you both happy.You cannot do this yourself.You need Hashem's help.please ask Hashem to help you on this specific matter.He will help you.

My beloved sister,if your good,decent,precious husband opens his heart and expresses interest to be intimate with you,think twice before pushing him away in rejection.If he is here at GYE,then you see clearly it's not just a physical need.he wants to connect with you emotionally on a deep level.he wants to tell you things that he may be afraid to tell you and this is the only way he could.

Your dear husband is crying his heart out,desperately needs to hold you,his true soul mate,and cry on your shoulder.

Open your heart and your arms and allow him to do so.

because this,my beloved sister,is what Hashem wants you,needs you to do.






A sharp shooter what you are
Such a direct on target letter - I sent this letter to my wife soon after disclosing my murky history - I think she took it ok
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Re: yechida's reflections 04 Dec 2016 08:20 #299052

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I got thru half of it.
My stomach couldn't handle more.
I pray to God nobody sends this to my wife.
I think it's manipulation at its worst.
If it works for some, kal hakavod.
If some like it, that's also fine.
I didn't.
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Re: yechida's reflections 04 Dec 2016 13:03 #299054

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every situation is different-the response in receiving such a letter varies-sometimes very positive & sometimes not-it very much depends on both the sincerity of the intentions (so as not to use it as a manipulation tool) & the personalities involved-if one feels that sending such a letter would do more harm than good-then most certainly it shouldn't be sent . I was told in some instances that the letter did help-but like I said every ones situation is different
Last Edit: 04 Dec 2016 13:07 by yechidah.

Re: yechida's reflections 04 Dec 2016 15:44 #299062

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Maybe a little like gye's Rabbi Schaffiers Talk on the subject, which I found quite compelling

Although my wife started listening to it and was turned off by a certain part which I agree with her should be deleted from that lecture
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Re: yechida's reflections 18 Dec 2016 04:24 #300146

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several quotes in marriage relationships

“We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.

The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being.”


“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”

“There's a difference between really loving someone and loving the idea of her.”  

Part of the problem with the word 'disabilities' is that it immediately suggests an inability to see or hear or walk or do other things that many of us take for granted. But what of people who can't feel? Or talk about their feelings? Or manage their feelings in constructive ways? What of people who aren't able to form close and strong relationships? And people who cannot find fulfillment in their lives, or those who have lost hope, who live in disappointment and bitterness and find in life no joy, no love? These, it seems to me, are the real disabilities.”

Re: yechida's reflections 18 Dec 2016 05:18 #300154

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I really liked the last quote.
What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

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Re: yechida's reflections 21 Jan 2017 23:23 #303752

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from " Today is Tomorrow" by Morris Mandel & Leo Gartenberg

God speaks to me
In my mind
He speaks and says,
"Be good, be kind."

Re: yechida's reflections 05 Feb 2017 15:42 #304930

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Purpose

by D.L. Carroll
Saturday, July 28, 2012

On occasion we wonder what our purpose in life is,

We don’t listen to our inner voice, ignoring his.

Something inside propels us to act,

Yet we often fail to recognize it and simply don’t react.

Perhaps we have known all along,

But we are too afraid that we could be wrong.

We must take a chance on our given talent,

Each and every one of us can be valiant.

If we veer off track,

Something inside will pull us back.

Maybe it could be we are being tested,

So when our individual purpose becomes clear, it is not ignored or rejected.

-D.L. Carroll

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