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Striving for Excellence
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: Striving for Excellence 4953 Views

Re: Striving for Excellence 04 Nov 2021 21:07 #373922

  • Sapy
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excellence wrote on 04 Nov 2021 20:36:
60 days,

Not really sure what exactly I am counting towards.... Unless I'm planning on counting till 120 years.....

With Gratitude to Hashem for being kind to someone unworthy of such kindness,

Excellence

Mazel tov buddy! 

if you wouldn't count from where would I take inspiration?... 

Re: Striving for Excellence 05 Nov 2021 02:37 #373936

  • Avrohom
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excellence wrote on 01 Nov 2021 07:47:
Just want to point out that one of the things I really need to somehow work on is to let an urge pass without acting on it at all. 

Every time I experience an urge I find myself acting on it, either entering the dangerous world of fantasy to escape from reality, and most times I will arouse myself until I hold myself back at the last minute, in order not to fall.

This is a very risky game to play, as at some point I will be likely to fall.....

​My issue with urge surfing, is that it requires a certain relaxed state of mind to just sit back and surf the urge. However when I experience an urge I get so full of energy I can't just sit still, and I straight away allow myself to start slipping.............

Just thought I would share my feelings............

Thanks to all out there,
Wishing you all the best

Excellence 

It's hard for me to know exactly what has been working for me for the last month plus - but what you describe is exactly where I was - (for 20 years or so...) (Maybe I'm still there - just experiencing a short respite) What seems to be most helpful for me is externalizing the urge as opposed to (or perhaps together with) urge surfing. (Kind of what HHM wrote above) This isn't me, and it's not what I want, it's an urge or desire that I'm being assaulted with. I also remind myself (now I do) that משביעו רעב מרעיבו שבע refers not only to full blown acting out, but adding fuel to the fire of the urge with small, "innocent" behaviors and thoughts. I very much related to Rabbi Shafier's (The fight #6 or #7) that describes the Yetzer Hora as an outside voice. I think in the past I felt it was me, and there was something inside me screaming "I want that, I need that, but I can't." Eventually the "I can't" would lose to the "I need it".
אין הדבר תלוי אלא בי
אלמלא הקב"ה עוזרו לא יכול לו
זרע אברהם אוהבי

Re: Striving for Excellence 07 Nov 2021 08:26 #374012

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@avrohom, Thank you for taking your time to post here. Iv'e been thinking about your point and BH it's having a positive effect on me.
"The pain after giving in is so much greater than the pain of not giving in"

My Thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/361746-Striving-for-Excellence

Check this out too for some Chizuk: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/The%20First%20Day%20of%20the%20Rest%20of%20My%20Life.pdf

Re: Striving for Excellence 07 Nov 2021 08:36 #374013

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I would like to share with everyone an observation that may be obvious to some of us, but even though it's been obvious to me too for many years, only recently I have really made a real point out if it.

​When we talk about identifying triggers, I most often associate this with different inappropriate things that can trigger me, e.g looking where I shouldn't e.t.c.

Recently I have realised that many many urges over the years don't even start with something inappropriate. My trigger is actually a time or location, where I may have slipped in the past and therefore I subconsciously associate this location/time with pleasuring myself, which ultimately causes an urge whenever I am there. For example Shabbos afternoon as a Bochur was the hardest time of week for me, I fell week in week out. So now years later I will always feel an extra urge when going to bed on Shabbos afternoon. Similarly, there are many other examples of this for me, it can even be a bath or shower etc etc. I've realised that it is ever so important to identify these triggers as this cannot be avoided, so if you're prepared for this, then with the correct tools it will be much easier to surf the urge.

I hope you understand....

Excellence

   
"The pain after giving in is so much greater than the pain of not giving in"

My Thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/361746-Striving-for-Excellence

Check this out too for some Chizuk: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/The%20First%20Day%20of%20the%20Rest%20of%20My%20Life.pdf

Re: Striving for Excellence 07 Nov 2021 10:18 #374016

I think I understand what you mean. It's just an association, like feeling a certain when you hear a certain tune. I find that the best thing to do is not to worry about it too much. If you prepare for it ahead of time you can end up reinforcing it. But you should do what makes sense to you.

Re: Striving for Excellence 07 Nov 2021 12:02 #374017

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Mazel Tov on 60! Kein yirbu!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Striving for Excellence 07 Nov 2021 17:01 #374028

  • Ish MiGrodno
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Wow, I totally relate to your post; so true! (associations are also a basic yesod in trauma therapy..)
Thanks for sharing and a heartfelt mazel tov from Grodno ~ IMG

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Last Edit: 07 Nov 2021 17:01 by Ish MiGrodno.

Re: Striving for Excellence 07 Nov 2021 21:11 #374049

  • excellence
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Ish MiGrodno wrote on 07 Nov 2021 17:01:
Wow, I totally relate to your post; so true! (associations are also a basic yesod in trauma therapy..)
Thanks for sharing and a heartfelt mazel tov from Grodno ~ IMG

Wow!! I'm finding it hard to believe that a Poshute Yid like me, ended up reaching the streets of Grodno!
"The pain after giving in is so much greater than the pain of not giving in"

My Thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/361746-Striving-for-Excellence

Check this out too for some Chizuk: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/The%20First%20Day%20of%20the%20Rest%20of%20My%20Life.pdf

Re: Striving for Excellence 07 Nov 2021 22:02 #374051

  • Ish MiGrodno
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I sweep the streets here; don't get too nispa'el... (if I have any gadlus, it is in the fact that I caught a glimpse of R' Shimon once or twice)
IMG

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Re: Striving for Excellence 14 Nov 2021 06:17 #374246

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Ok, so I fell after 68 day's clean.

I'm not really frustrated with myself, because the triggers/urges were getting out of hand. Perhaps I'm frustrated at the situation: 

1- I've not been with my wife the past few weeks for a very practical reason. Even though she is desperate to be together, we just can't (she is Muttar). This should be resolved in another week or so.

2- Something happened to me on Thursday night, that really really set me in a frustrated and angry mode, which automatically caused me to feel like, "what the hell, I don't even care if I fall".

3- Even though urges are meant to subside. Mine keep following me around. On a day that I'm feeling venerable, I'll feel on the edge of the cliff all day. I felt it coming, eventually I was going to fall. I kept holding myself back, but eventually it get's to a stage where I just give in.

4- This is the worst of the lot: I came home on Friday after overcoming a huge urge, and guess what? From my window I got a birds eye view of a non-Jewish sick boy seducing a girl, & I won't elaborate in order not to trigger. They we're there for 3 hours... It was a bit like watching this online, just instead from my dining room window...
At that point I said to myself, I can't anymore. I was home alone and I fell....

Not so sure what I'm trying to say with the above. Time to stop dwelling and move on.

Have a wonderful day,
Excellence
"The pain after giving in is so much greater than the pain of not giving in"

My Thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/361746-Striving-for-Excellence

Check this out too for some Chizuk: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/The%20First%20Day%20of%20the%20Rest%20of%20My%20Life.pdf

Re: Striving for Excellence 14 Nov 2021 06:34 #374247

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excellence wrote on 14 Nov 2021 06:17:
Ok, so I fell after 68 day's clean.

I'm not really frustrated with myself, because the triggers/urges were getting out of hand. Perhaps I'm frustrated at the situation: 

1- I've not been with my wife the past few weeks for a very practical reason. Even though she is desperate to be together, we just can't (she is Muttar). This should be resolved in another week or so.

2- Something happened to me on Thursday night, that really really set me in a frustrated and angry mode, which automatically caused me to feel like, "what the hell, I don't even care if I fall".

3- Even though urges are meant to subside. Mine keep following me around. On a day that I'm feeling venerable, I'll feel on the edge of the cliff all day. I felt it coming, eventually I was going to fall. I kept holding myself back, but eventually it get's to a stage where I just give in.

4- This is the worst of the lot: I came home on Friday after overcoming a huge urge, and guess what? From my window I got a birds eye view of a non-Jewish sick boy seducing a girl, & I won't elaborate in order not to trigger. They we're there for 3 hours... It was a bit like watching this online, just instead from my dining room window...
At that point I said to myself, I can't anymore. I was home alone and I fell....

Not so sure what I'm trying to say with the above. Time to stop dwelling and move on.

Have a wonderful day,
Excellence

Why is that non Jewish kid sick?
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Re: Striving for Excellence 14 Nov 2021 07:42 #374249

  • excellence
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@markz,

​Because it's a selfish n sick thing to do, to make her believe that you're interested and care for her, when in actual fact all you want is to feast over her body. That's why.
"The pain after giving in is so much greater than the pain of not giving in"

My Thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/361746-Striving-for-Excellence

Check this out too for some Chizuk: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/The%20First%20Day%20of%20the%20Rest%20of%20My%20Life.pdf

Re: Striving for Excellence 14 Nov 2021 12:41 #374253

  • Avrohom
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I feel your "pain?" and frustration. I imagine, as much as you realize this was so challenging, falling after such a long streak can be demoralizing.
Well, first I;d like to say Mazel tov on 68 clean days! What an accomplishment.
It seems like you're viewing this not so much as a fall from the height you were on, but rather as a Nisayon that was greater than what you've experienced and you couldn't climb it... this time. Perhaps that's the best way to view it. To quote from one of my favorite posts:


"excellence" post=364353 date=1614541733 catid=1

Part b

The solution:

Firstly, it's imperative to internalize the difference between striving for shleimus/excellence, vs perfectionism. Shleimus is NOT perfectionism. I am doing Chazra on the key differences between the two, join me if you wish:

1-      Striving for Shleimus comes with an understanding that we are actually far from perfect. In actual fact, if we were perfect then we may as well dig our graves and bury ourselves today, since we no more have a purpose in this imperfect world.

2-      Striving for Shleimus comes with an understanding that not only is there nothing wrong with being imperfect and having shortcomings, it ought to be embraced, because we are human beings. We are created with imperfections and our lifelong goal is to slowly, bit by bit work on our imperfections, and as long as we are focusing and trying to grow we should be feeling very content. We are comfortable with ourselves for who we are today.

3-      Falling, only hits us so hard when it smashes the perfect image we have drawn for ourselves, but when it comes to shleimus, falling is viewed as part of the growing process to achieve hieghts on the long run. When a perfectionist falls, his whole self-image comes crashing down. He feels worthless. Whereas in the Torah's eyes You can fall and still be a Tzadik as the Pasuk says:  ein tzadik baaretz…..

4-      Shleimus = striving to be the best possible me, NOT the perfect me. If I'm sincere and I am trying, then even if I don't see the desired results, I am still being the best possible me, and that’s all that matters. What matters most in life is that I am focused on working towards certain goals. It doesn't necessarily matter whether I am reaching those goals or not. That’s not up to me, but rather up to HASHEM. What's most important is whether or not I am using my Kochot properly


So keep up the amazing work, Iy"h next time, you'll get over this peak as well!
אין הדבר תלוי אלא בי
אלמלא הקב"ה עוזרו לא יכול לו
זרע אברהם אוהבי

Re: Striving for Excellence 14 Nov 2021 13:03 #374254

  • Markz
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excellence wrote on 14 Nov 2021 07:42:
@markz,

​Because it's a selfish n sick thing to do, to make her believe that you're interested and care for her, when in actual fact all you want is to feast over her body. That's why.

A sick person needs medication / therapy. 

Let’s suppose they are in a long term relationship and they will even marry, what that non Jewish kid did, was normal, 100% normal in their society. 

Being materialistic makes somebody sick?

My point is - Acting as he did in public was maybe not ok, but he’s not sick. Maybe selfish - who isn’t? But not sick…
My Story---------Dov Quotes




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Re: Striving for Excellence 14 Nov 2021 15:11 #374258

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excellence wrote on 14 Nov 2021 06:17:
Ok, so I fell after 68 day's clean.

I'm not really frustrated with myself, because the triggers/urges were getting out of hand. Perhaps I'm frustrated at the situation: 

1- I've not been with my wife the past few weeks for a very practical reason. Even though she is desperate to be together, we just can't (she is Muttar). This should be resolved in another week or so.

2- Something happened to me on Thursday night, that really really set me in a frustrated and angry mode, which automatically caused me to feel like, "what the hell, I don't even care if I fall".

3- Even though urges are meant to subside. Mine keep following me around. On a day that I'm feeling venerable, I'll feel on the edge of the cliff all day. I felt it coming, eventually I was going to fall. I kept holding myself back, but eventually it get's to a stage where I just give in.

4- This is the worst of the lot: I came home on Friday after overcoming a huge urge, and guess what? From my window I got a birds eye view of a non-Jewish sick boy seducing a girl, & I won't elaborate in order not to trigger. They we're there for 3 hours... It was a bit like watching this online, just instead from my dining room window...
At that point I said to myself, I can't anymore. I was home alone and I fell....

Not so sure what I'm trying to say with the above. Time to stop dwelling and move on.

Have a wonderful day,
Excellence

Hi
It seems that you're in a very difficult position now and from what you're writing it may very well be that you're considered an אונס . 

The famous Ohr Hachaim Z"L in Acharei Mos, 18:2 writes that when we are faced with either of these two aspects, sight or thought, it becomes close to impossible for a person to control himself. And it goes without saying that if one looks AND thinks about these things, he will be very weak when facing this desire. And it also goes without saying, that if one actually begins to taste from the bad, he will be completely given over into the hands of his desires.
And the only way that a man can wage war with this powerful desire is by removing from himself these two aspects (1. improper sights and 2. lustful thoughts). And by doing this, one instills within himself that he should not lust after this, and he will be able to control his natural desires.
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
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