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Starting Again...
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: Starting Again... 2506 Views

Re: Starting Again... 08 Feb 2021 06:45 #362912

  • Lou
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I just want to share a non important item that is bothering me a bit...One of the downsides of doing inappropriate things on a computer (or I guess in general) is always having to cover your tracks. Always looking over your back to make sure you are not caught... I always dreamed that one day I would be clean and that intense stress would be gone. However, it is not quite like that. I still don't want others to see I am on GYE. True, the consequences of being seen on GYE don't compare to being seen doing the terrible stuff.But none the less,I still would rather not be seen on here.So although,I am doing great as far as being clean,I still have to watch my back and my internet history.Frustrating.
Last Edit: 08 Feb 2021 06:46 by Lou.

Re: Starting Again... 08 Feb 2021 10:27 #362917

  • Hashem Help Me
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Lou wrote on 04 Feb 2021 02:53:

BH,it is going well,but sometimes I feel like I am just replacing the garbage with kosher garbage. (I have mentioned this in the past). Included in this could be Taivas Achila, Jewish music videos,Even too much time on GYE.

We all go through the "too much time on GYE" issue. Just a request. When and if you decide to limit your involvement in GYE, please stop by from time to time to help someone new here. Guys who "went through the system" have an advatage in helping others in a way almost no therapist can. Continued hatzlocha.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Starting Again... 08 Feb 2021 12:40 #362923

  • wilnevergiveup
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Lou wrote on 08 Feb 2021 06:45:
I just want to share a non important item that is bothering me a bit...One of the downsides of doing inappropriate things on a computer (or I guess in general) is always having to cover your tracks. Always looking over your back to make sure you are not caught... I always dreamed that one day I would be clean and that intense stress would be gone. However, it is not quite like that. I still don't want others to see I am on GYE. True, the consequences of being seen on GYE don't compare to being seen doing the terrible stuff.But none the less,I still would rather not be seen on here.So although,I am doing great as far as being clean,I still have to watch my back and my internet history.Frustrating.

It's interesting you say this because on the flipside, I believe that there are many, many more people who need help and are not getting it than people who are currently using GYE and I therefore am a little proud that I am here!

I obviously wouldn't want anyone to see GYE open on my screen or for anyone to know my username, but I would actually be delighted if someone goes through by history and stumble on GYE (okay, not really, but if they did it would be great if that's how they found GYE) and maybe even get the help they need.

If it's your wife that you are worried about, does she actually check up on you? Has she caught you in the past? If so, her seeing GYE should be awesome!
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
Last Edit: 08 Feb 2021 12:42 by wilnevergiveup.

Re: Starting Again... 08 Feb 2021 16:07 #362937

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wilnevergiveup wrote on 08 Feb 2021 12:40:

If it's your wife that you are worried about, does she actually check up on you? Has she caught you in the past? If so, her seeing GYE should be awesome!

Sadly, it doesn't really work like that.
Many wives (especially those who catch their husbands) are not interested in having husbands who are "involved" in recovery, or are "recovering."
They only want husbands who are "recovered," and any reminder that their husband may not be the perfect tzaddik they thought he was when they got engaged will bother them to no end.
Handbook | Skep's Tips
My threads:
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
"We are our own worst observer" - eslaasos's therapist
WDHW!!!
Last Edit: 08 Feb 2021 16:08 by Bigmoish.

Re: Starting Again... 09 Feb 2021 04:41 #362971

  • Lou
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Hashem Help Me wrote on 08 Feb 2021 10:27:

Lou wrote on 04 Feb 2021 02:53:

BH,it is going well,but sometimes I feel like I am just replacing the garbage with kosher garbage. (I have mentioned this in the past). Included in this could be Taivas Achila, Jewish music videos,Even too much time on GYE.


We all go through the "too much time on GYE" issue. Just a request. When and if you decide to limit your involvement in GYE, please stop by from time to time to help someone new here. Guys who "went through the system" have an advatage in helping others in a way almost no therapist can. Continued hatzlocha.

Amen!
To clarify, I am not "leaving" anytime soon. I am not foolish enough to think I don't still need the support system on here. I do. Just looking for a way to curb that feeling that I need to check who posted and what was reaction to my posts etc. In a certain way it is the same draw that I had probably had to chatting inappropriately in the past as well. That "connection". I would like to work on it,however as I have been advised it is probably good to just enjoy it and let it run it's course and it will calm down on it's own. It certainly has many extremely beneficial aspects as well.
However, i will keep your words in mind for whenever I do really feel like I am ready to move on.
Thank you

Re: Starting Again... 09 Feb 2021 19:25 #363022

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www.thelakewoodscoop.com/news/2021/02/rav-avigdor-miller-on-prescription-for-pure-thoughts.html#more-262794
Check out the link to see what R Miller's advice for clean thoughts. He obviously does not need my Haskama but every word he said was a jewel.

Re: Starting Again... 09 Feb 2021 20:10 #363026

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Lou wrote on 09 Feb 2021 19:25:
www.thelakewoodscoop.com/news/2021/02/rav-avigdor-miller-on-prescription-for-pure-thoughts.html#more-262794
Check out the link to see what R Miller's advice for clean thoughts. He obviously does not need my Haskama but every word he said was a jewel.

Great article - thanks for sharing
Think about how good you'll feel if you say no to desire and compare that to how bad you'll feel if you say yes.

Desire is unique in the way that it is never fulfilled -  if you give in the desire comes back even more powerful in just a few days. Telling yourself that its ok because this is really the last time doesn't work because you are just adding new images to your head that will cause future falls.

The Joy of triumph over the yetzer hara is worth the effort it takes to win. It IS worth it! Keep fighting!


My thread: 
Aiming to be better

Re: Starting Again... 09 Feb 2021 21:14 #363031

  • Lou
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Bigmoish wrote on 08 Feb 2021 16:07:

wilnevergiveup wrote on 08 Feb 2021 12:40:

If it's your wife that you are worried about, does she actually check up on you? Has she caught you in the past? If so, her seeing GYE should be awesome!

Sadly, it doesn't really work like that.
Many wives (especially those who catch their husbands) are not interested in having husbands who are "involved" in recovery, or are "recovering."
They only want husbands who are "recovered," and any reminder that their husband may not be the perfect tzaddik they thought he was when they got engaged will bother them to no end.

This is very true! 
@Willnevergiveup I would be happy if someone would somehow be inspired to join GYE through me,however not through knowing who I am or seeing me posting etc...
It would not be the worst thing if my wife saw I was on here as that can be explained,but I certainly would not want her to see my posts!
To explain my situation a bit without going into detail...
My wife found me a few years ago on an inappropriate website. (I actually fell asleep at the computer!). It was a very difficult situation and we worked hard together to fix things. The only catch was that I ended up back in the muck soon after. She doesn't know that... As I have mentioned earlier as of when I joined GYE around 2 months ago I was BH in a pretty good spot. I wasn't failing as often or nearly as badly as in the past. However, I joined to finally really work on this issue and BH it is going well! I am leaving out many details but that is just a backdrop to what I was saying about being "caught" on GYE.

Re: Starting Again... 11 Feb 2021 03:01 #363121

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This goes back a bunch of years but just wanted to share this. When I was in the thick of my quest to find Shmutz,I came across a clip of a frum man that I guess was doing the same thing as me. Obviously,the female he was chatting with decided to post the video of him online for whatever reason. Seeing the guy looking like such a dope (excuse my language,but trying to bring out a point) with this giddy look on his face was enough to make me want to throw up. As he excitedly got more involved he just looked stupider and stupider. I think that a video like that should be required viewing for those on here without any SSA issues. It brings home how utterly stupid and silly this behavior really is. There has been some talk on some threads about looking at yourself in the mirror in a positive way. That is a great idea. I want to suggest sometimes give a look at yourself in the mirror when you are in a bad state. Seeing yourself look like such an idiot may be enough to shock you awake.Unfortunately,it didn't have a strong enough effect on me back then,but looking back it certainly is one way to boost myself above the garbage.
We are so much better than that! We are a holy people that can do amazing things!
                                                  Lou

Re: Starting Again... 11 Feb 2021 05:31 #363138

  • Ish MiGrodno
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What an important thought; As we shteig in shmiras habris, these hearos become commonplace and obvious!

While I was doing bedtime with my cuties tonight, I had the following similar heara (which I NEVER HAD BEFORE):

​I now feel sorry for every person involved in the porn industry. For the followers and for the leaders. The actors and the consumers. Why? Cuz they will never ever (ever!) experience pleasure.

I could have SAID this 10 years ago, but I was jealous of them...so I clearly did not truly BELIEVE it.

But today everything is different. And the 83 days that HKBH helped me attain - changed my outlook on all aspects of life. On issues ranging from love to loyalty. Sacrifice and self worth. 

Life is still challenging, but it is a completely new game.

From Grodno with deep feelings of "how lucky I am..."  ~ IMG

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Re: Starting Again... 11 Feb 2021 05:48 #363139

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But today everything is different. And the 83 days that HKBH helped me attain - changed my outlook on all aspects of life. On issues ranging from love to loyalty. Sacrifice and self worth. 


OMG! IMG!!!
You just said 83 days!! Wow That is getting really close to the magic number...
Hatzlocha!

Re: Starting Again... 11 Feb 2021 07:26 #363141

  • wilnevergiveup
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Lou wrote on 11 Feb 2021 03:01:
This goes back a bunch of years but just wanted to share this. When I was in the thick of my quest to find Shmutz,I came across a clip of a frum man that I guess was doing the same thing as me. Obviously,the female he was chatting with decided to post the video of him online for whatever reason. Seeing the guy looking like such a dope (excuse my language,but trying to bring out a point) with this giddy look on his face was enough to make me want to throw up. As he excitedly got more involved he just looked stupider and stupider. I think that a video like that should be required viewing for those on here without any SSA issues. It brings home how utterly stupid and silly this behavior really is. There has been some talk on some threads about looking at yourself in the mirror in a positive way. That is a great idea. I want to suggest sometimes give a look at yourself in the mirror when you are in a bad state. Seeing yourself look like such an idiot may be enough to shock you awake.Unfortunately,it didn't have a strong enough effect on me back then,but looking back it certainly is one way to boost myself above the garbage.
We are so much better than that! We are a holy people that can do amazing things!
                                                  Lou

Mirrors in the bathroom?
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: Starting Again... 11 Feb 2021 09:04 #363142

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wilnevergiveup wrote on 11 Feb 2021 07:26:

Lou wrote on 11 Feb 2021 03:01:
This goes back a bunch of years but just wanted to share this. When I was in the thick of my quest to find Shmutz,I came across a clip of a frum man that I guess was doing the same thing as me. Obviously,the female he was chatting with decided to post the video of him online for whatever reason. Seeing the guy looking like such a dope (excuse my language,but trying to bring out a point) with this giddy look on his face was enough to make me want to throw up. As he excitedly got more involved he just looked stupider and stupider. I think that a video like that should be required viewing for those on here without any SSA issues. It brings home how utterly stupid and silly this behavior really is. There has been some talk on some threads about looking at yourself in the mirror in a positive way. That is a great idea. I want to suggest sometimes give a look at yourself in the mirror when you are in a bad state. Seeing yourself look like such an idiot may be enough to shock you awake.Unfortunately,it didn't have a strong enough effect on me back then,but looking back it certainly is one way to boost myself above the garbage.
We are so much better than that! We are a holy people that can do amazing things!
                                                  Lou

Mirrors in the bathroom?

So before a fall get out of th bathroom 
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: Starting Again... 11 Feb 2021 22:17 #363192

  • Lou
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I think I was trying to say the opposite... The mirror can be beneficial so you see how silly you look.
But if it will just trigger you more than avoid that.

Re: Starting Again... 12 Feb 2021 05:23 #363211

  • Lou
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Ish MiGrodno wrote on 11 Feb 2021 05:31:
What an important thought; As we shteig in shmiras habris, these hearos become commonplace and obvious!

While I was doing bedtime with my cuties tonight, I had the following similar heara (which I NEVER HAD BEFORE):

​I now feel sorry for every person involved in the porn industry. For the followers and for the leaders. The actors and the consumers. Why? Cuz they will never ever (ever!) experience pleasure.

I could have SAID this 10 years ago, but I was jealous of them...so I clearly did not truly BELIEVE it.






Rabeinu ISH,
Something you said reminded me of a similar idea. This predates the advent of chatting Apps etc. I was a member of a phone chat line for quite some time. It's a little complicated to explain how it worked and probably not all that important. One can listen to others and one could leave messages for others. There were conversations going on but it was in the form of leaving a message.Sometimes I would be on there with family members within earshot (I know I was pretty bad). I would listen to others and then quickly dart into a private place to say my piece and then come back out to listen  to responses. I wold sometimes say to myself "I am so jealous of these people comfortably sitting on their couch and having this (usually not very clean)conversation. For me it is so complicated. Looking back with a bit more of a clear vision I realize I was totally out of my mind! Those people literally have no life. No real happiness. I had it all! BH I still do have it all! and what did I do? I sneaked  into a corner to join their world! Truly a Ruach Shtus! Hashem have Rachmanus and save us all from such shtusim. literally Shtusim.
Last Edit: 12 Feb 2021 05:25 by Lou.
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