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Mental Health and Marriage
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: Mental Health and Marriage 6310 Views

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 21 Apr 2021 19:31 #367228

Hey everyone. The Holy Nudge Ish MiGrodno is demanding that I keep clean for two week stretches to get used to off-weeks in marriage. So far I am two days clean. Thank you Ish!!

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 21 Apr 2021 19:37 #367230

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Hey everyone. My Holy talmid Rebbi HY613 WILL BE keeping clean for 2 week stretches to get used to "nidah-weeks" beginning with his upcoming marriage. This great tzadik is already 2 days clean! Please chime in with your fanfare, etc.... Thank you HY613 for being such an awesome inspiration!!

Humbled in Grodno ~ IMG

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 22 Apr 2021 01:04 #367257

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2 Weeks. One day at a time.  YOU GOT THIS!
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 26 Apr 2021 17:24 #367452

Hey guys. I fell twice. I didn't know how hard Shomer Negiah was going to be. We didn't touch, but being around her definitely wakes up a ton of urges. I'm also still having a lot of anxiety about marriage. I really want to hit two weeks so away we go...

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 27 Apr 2021 02:33 #367477

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Keep up the great work!
You were shomer negia (no simple feat at all)!! 

The only thing you need to think about right now is what boundaries can you put in place to keep you from slipping in the shomer negia area. 
In regards to the p&m issue, that you'll deal with when you are in a slightly better emotional place, (hopefully that will be by tomorrow)
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it’s connection
Last Edit: 27 Apr 2021 02:37 by jewish jew.

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 28 Apr 2021 17:51 #367572

I went out again last night. After the date we got really close to each other and it was so hard not to touch her. We decided that this can't happen again, so we came up with four reasons not to touch until the wedding
1. We want Hashem to be in our relationship. When done properly, it's holy and hopefully Hashem will bestow us with his Bracha. If we engage in touching when we are not allowed to it's animalistic and selfish.
2. We want it to be new and exciting by the wedding.
3. Touching and getting really close is Assur. Even though we are engaged we aren't Halachically any different.
4. We want to exercise our self-control muscles for off-weeks and learn how to be close without touching.

P.S. I'm two days clean Baruch Hashem.

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 28 Apr 2021 21:01 #367586

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OK, so here goes the most super-annoying-response of all time:

​May I nitpick and change the order to:

HALACHA GOES FIRST
1. Touching and getting really close is Assur. Even though we are engaged we aren't Halachically any different.

HASHKAFA / MENTAL HEALTH REASON
2. We want to exercise our self-control muscles for off-weeks and learn how to be close without touching.

RUCHNIYUS FRINGE BENEFIT
3. We want Hashem to be in our relationship. When done properly, it's holy and hopefully Hashem will bestow us with his Bracha. If we engage in touching when we are not allowed to it's animalistic and selfish.

RELATIONSHIP & GASHMIYUS FRINGE BENEFIT
4. We want it to be new and exciting by the wedding.

You can call me tonight to blast me for this most annoying post : )

Bein' arrogant in Grodno ~ IMG

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 28 Apr 2021 22:31 #367600

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לפענ"ד צ"ל 3 לפני 2. וק"ל.

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 28 Apr 2021 23:14 #367602

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R' Oved Shlit"a,

Great point - and well taken : )

Efshar could be that you are more of a nefesh hachaim (or Tanya?) guy - whereas I am from the mesilas yesharim school?

Either way, this would make for an unbelievable conversation over bourbon and cholent...

Lookin' forward to meetin' by Kidush @ the great shul of Grodno ~ IMG

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 28 Apr 2021 23:33 #367603

In my unfortunate experience once a boy and girl have disclosed to each other that they find it difficult not to touch, it only makes it more of an option and possibility, and, if you allow yourselves the opportunity, an inevitability.

The only way to stop it is to stop talking about it and to absolutely not allow yourselves to be in a place where it's possible for it to happen, which means going BEYOND what hilchos yichud requires. No shmoozing in the car for long periods, even if you're parked on a street somewhere, etc.

It's tough, but if you're serious about not touching, it's the only way.

But if you keep telling each other how much you want to and how hard it is, and allowing yourselves to be somewhere where its possible, all the logic in the world wont stand up to desire. Ein apitropis laroyos, you can't plan for pure willpower to win out against lust, it's planning to fail.

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 29 Apr 2021 01:27 #367612

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Oved wrote on 28 Apr 2021 22:31:
לפענ"ד צ"ל 3 לפני 2. וק"ל.

Uhhh explain please?
Think about how good you'll feel if you say no to desire and compare that to how bad you'll feel if you say yes.

Desire is unique in the way that it is never fulfilled -  if you give in the desire comes back even more powerful in just a few days. Telling yourself that its ok because this is really the last time doesn't work because you are just adding new images to your head that will cause future falls.

The Joy of triumph over the yetzer hara is worth the effort it takes to win. It IS worth it! Keep fighting!


My thread: 
Aiming to be better

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 29 Apr 2021 01:28 #367613

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The Rabbanim have instituted basic gedarim for chasanim & kallos; HY613 is doing a great job seeking the healthy and moderate approach within those parameters.

With all due respect R' CJ21, I think that your approach is a bit extreme...

אין לנו אלא מה שאסרו

IMG

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 29 Apr 2021 01:30 #367615

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EvedHashem1836 wrote on 29 Apr 2021 01:27:

Oved wrote on 28 Apr 2021 22:31:
לפענ"ד צ"ל 3 לפני 2. וק"ל.

Uhhh explain please?

nvm i got it
Think about how good you'll feel if you say no to desire and compare that to how bad you'll feel if you say yes.

Desire is unique in the way that it is never fulfilled -  if you give in the desire comes back even more powerful in just a few days. Telling yourself that its ok because this is really the last time doesn't work because you are just adding new images to your head that will cause future falls.

The Joy of triumph over the yetzer hara is worth the effort it takes to win. It IS worth it! Keep fighting!


My thread: 
Aiming to be better

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 29 Apr 2021 04:38 #367633

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Ish MiGrodno wrote on 29 Apr 2021 01:28:
The Rabbanim have instituted basic gedarim for chasanim & kallos; HY613 is doing a great job seeking the healthy and moderate approach within those parameters.

With all due respect R' CJ21, I think that your approach is a bit extreme...

אין לנו אלא מה שאסרו

IMG

I respectfully disagree.
B"H in the Chassidishe world, the basic Gedorim is for no contact at all or very limited phone calls. I don't know the environment that HY613 is coming from, however I think even according to the guidelines of the Rabbanim you mentioned, they will agree that if there is an issue of negiah (or as it sounded like from his prior posts, they have already touched in the past but trying to stop. Correct me if I'm wrong) then more drastic gedarim need to be enforced. 
Best would be if HY613 can speak to a Rabbi or Mentor.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 29 Apr 2021 11:12 #367643

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concernedjew21 wrote on 28 Apr 2021 23:33:
In my unfortunate experience once a boy and girl have disclosed to each other that they find it difficult not to touch, it only makes it more of an option and possibility, and, if you allow yourselves the opportunity, an inevitability.

The only way to stop it is to stop talking about it and to absolutely not allow yourselves to be in a place where it's possible for it to happen, which means going BEYOND what hilchos yichud requires. No shmoozing in the car for long periods, even if you're parked on a street somewhere, etc.

It's tough, but if you're serious about not touching, it's the only way.

But if you keep telling each other how much you want to and how hard it is, and allowing yourselves to be somewhere where its possible, all the logic in the world wont stand up to desire. Ein apitropis laroyos, you can't plan for pure willpower to win out against lust, it's planning to fail.

Brilliant advice. Added advantage for the chosson and kallah is that they will be able to enjoy the dating much more with the yishuv hada'as that they won't end up in a matzav of nisayon. Being at ease during the engagement period is very important.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE
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