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Mental Health and Marriage
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: Mental Health and Marriage 5482 Views

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 08 Nov 2020 20:35 #357188

  • Captain
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Hey @HashemYeracheim613,
How's it going? 
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 09 Nov 2020 14:08 #357215

  • Rebuild613
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@HashemYerachem613
we are waiting to hear from you.
visit us more often 

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 21 Nov 2020 23:43 #357636

Hi there. It's been pretty rough recently. I had a decent three week streak going, but I encountered a rough patch when I broke up with a girl who I had been out with a few times. I didn't watch pornography, but I slipped right back into the masturbation cycle, and I'm having a hard time breaking out. I went home for the first time this since the zman started. It was a disaster. I literally woke up to a huge shouting match between my father and my brother that put me on edge for the rest of the day. Also, due to insurance problems, I wasn't able to pick up my anxiety prescriptions, so I'm going through a bit of a withdrawal. I couldn't handle all the stress, and I failed. The thing that really put me into a funk was the thought that how am I possibly going to be able to bring a girl home to this messed up family. I feel that even if I am open with her about it and she decides to go for it, once she sees the situation with her own eyes, she'll run for the hills. I'm just concerned about my chances of ever getting married, and it's really tough. I'm starting to date a new girl on Monday, and I really want to just call it off. Obviously the right thing to do is to keep on going and to try again. I hope that I can muster the strength to do it. Thanks y'all. 

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 29 Nov 2020 06:19 #357893

  • OivedElokim
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Wow. Sounds rough!
Keep strong. May HaShem reward your valiant efforts by showering you with only revealed and apparent goodness and blessings.
Rooting for you!
OivedElokim
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
״שההפרש בין עובד אלוקים לצדיק הוא שעובד הוא לשון הווה, שהוא באמצע העבודה״
-Oived Elokim means a constant work in progress...
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
- Arthur Ashe
“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future”.

My old thread

My current thread 

Last Edit: 29 Nov 2020 06:20 by OivedElokim.

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 25 Dec 2020 20:02 #359756

When I came to my post-Israel yeshiva for the first time, I remember looking at the burnt-out veterans and promising myself that I would never, EVER, become one of them. Now, A few years later, I find myself slipping in ways I never thought possible. Getting up for davening is a daily, losing battle. My brand of humor has become more crass and sexual. Learning is such a struggle. I started listening to secular music again, even women singing, which I was able to stop doing cold-turkey for 8 years. Today I got up at 11:05 and I still haven't put on tefillin. Masturbation is a regular part of my life, it's what I turn to when I feel lonely. The stress of dating and the pain of rejections and the anxiety of waiting for answers is wearing me down. How do I get back on my feet and hold on to my values? I used to be such a clean guy, never getting up late, watching my mouth, and trying hard to stay clean, even though I wasn't successful many times. What's the plan? 

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 25 Dec 2020 20:36 #359758

  • YeshivaGuy
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Sorry to hear that.
BH you’re aware of what has happened and want to change.
Some of my friends I went to Yeshiva in Israel with have unfortunately drifted off and have given up hope...

Do you have a Rebbi?

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 27 Dec 2020 01:43 #359777

I have many rebbeim. One is in Israel and hard to reach, and I feel that he won't fully grasp the situation. It's hard for him when our interactions are so infrequent. I don't think this is a Rebbi question anyways. What can they do? I'm in the trap right now. To go out to school is a very risky move in my opinion. To stay in this yeshiva is slowly draining my vitality. Switching yeshivas is also not on option; I'm not down to restart somewhere. I'm just waiting.....to get married. I'm trying to get the most out of the situation and be positive, but I'm really feeling the burn.

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 27 Dec 2020 03:21 #359784

  • Markz
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hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 13 Oct 2020 20:55:
Hi. I am 26 years old. I have been struggling with inappropriate content since I was in ninth grade. My well meaning father ironically got me an iPod touch as a reward for learning over the summer. After hearing my friends speak about things they had seen, I ventured into the forbidden territory. I tried stopping so many times. I made promises. I put on codes. I eventually smashed the iPod. But the Scourge always found a way back into my life. This wasn't the only front I was fighting though. I had a very low self image growing up. I felt out of place.  My family was also semi-dysfunctional and I had a very difficult OTD brother. Then when I was in twelfth grade I started having obsessive thoughts about the craziest things. My self esteem plunged even lower. I was convinced that I was sick and totally beyond help. It was so frightening. I suffered alone until I got to Israel. I finally told a Rebbi what I was going through, and he referred me to a therapist. It took me about six months to even consider the possibility that I was normal, and another six months to get to a point that I was ready to move on to the next stage. I finally went home to start shidduchim. I was convinced that I would get married right away, put my past behind me, and start a beautiful new chapter in my life. After all I had been through, surely God was not going to let me suffer anymore. But my life started spiraling downward very quickly. Being home in a toxic environment brought me back exactly to where I was before therapy. The stress and anxiety of dating was also overwhelming. I went out with the first girl until she said no to me because of my family. I wasn't sure that I wanted to marry her, but I was heartbroken. My dreams of a happily ever after were broken. Then, at the advice of a relative, I moved out of my house. My parents were hurt, confused, and angry. I was filled with guilt. I felt homeless, and I became even more depressed and anxious. It came to a point that I couldn't bring myself to date anymore. I was bouncing around therapists, hoping that someone would fix me, but not believing that they could. I eventually found a therapist who managed to convey to me that the only way out is by accepting my situation, and taking responsibility for my own life. Slowly, I started getting control of my emotions. I began to realize who I am and what I'm capable of. I even started being happy with my life and not blaming God so much for my circumstances. I started dating again, which was a huge milestone. I still had never confronted my 'habit' head on though. I felt guilty about going out and also using the internet. I read some articles about internet usage, and I realized that my habit was really an addiction. I saw the negative effects it can have on a marriage. Studies also show that it's detrimental to mental health, by causing anxiety and depression. It's time to fix up my act. I want to be clean going into marriage. I want to feel good about myself when going on dates. I want to be the best me.

Great going!

Are you still by this good therapist?
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Re: Mental Health and Marriage 27 Dec 2020 06:53 #359815

  • i-man
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Hey sorry to hear about your tough situation, may Hashem give you Bracha Simcha and menuchas hanefesh.
Hang out here more often the chizxuk here can be a good boost , you can clearly see it really helping people.
And remember major change doesn’t happen instantly slowly slowly you work on yourself , and you will find that all of this garbage has much less power over you .

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 27 Dec 2020 07:07 #359817

  • Ish MiGrodno
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My heart aches after reading your posts. Please know that if you stay here, we will hold your hand every step of the way...I promise.

I just said kapitel 42 for you; please do the same for me!

And as counterintuitive as this may sound, we know from sefarim that it is davka from a matzav of yiush that we find Hashem. Davka now he is watching and loving you more closely than ever.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you ever need to speak.

Stay strong, dear brother.

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 27 Dec 2020 07:23 #359818

  • starting
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I just read through your thread and it really struck a cord. 

For a guy to have been through so much and to have the peace of mind to accept the situation so calmly at this point. 
Hashemyeracheim613 you are beyond awesome! I would love to get to know and would be proud to have you as my friend. 

Hitting rock bottom is what often Ives you that push to shoot up. That means that when you feel that you are now doing things that you consider 'below you', you can use that opportunity (!) to reach the top. 

You are a very strong person so I will suggest something that you are probably capable of. 
Try to look at your life now objectively. When you joined this yeshiva, had you known that you would be here for so long what would you have done to try and stay the fresh happy you? 

Imagine you have a definite date planned for you wedding,say you know for sure that you will be married in 6 or 8 months from now. 
What type of person do you want to feel like, who do you want to be when you get married? 
You will be in love with most amazing person in the world! What type of person do you want your most loved one to have married? 
You only have a few months to become that person. 

That is basically using the one day at a time method. 
Realise how much a productive day helps you. Your moods, your self esteem, your feelings of accomplishment, your sense of calm, your happiness and serenity in general. 

Regarding these struggles, you say you managed to stay pure for 3 weeks. What do you think was the biggest gamechanger? What is worth adding to Your Plan which will give you another few beautiful clean days? 

With you all the way, 
Starting 
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 27 Dec 2020 07:40 #359821

  • Zedj
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Hi H.Y.6.1.3,
I'm sorry you are going through some really rough stuff.

Know, that you are not struggling alone, we are here to be mechazek each other in our own personal nisyonos.

I don't think I can give much advice but there are many veteran GYE members that can.


Please keep posting!

Posting helps with accountability and helps be mechazek the rabim.

As others mentioned, the GYE motto is: one day at a time. Today is today, the past is the past and tomorrow is tomorrow.

I wish you only good!
Gut voch

One who has given up hope is without a G‑d.

One who sees hope in each day is already free

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 27 Dec 2020 14:05 #359830

  • Captain
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Hi HashemYeracheim613.

Welcome back. Welcome home.
You are going through such a hard time, and it's hard to believe that there could be a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know you personally, so for me to tell you that there is one would be superficial. But I can tell you that even though it seems hopeless, there might be one. Please feel free to PM me whenever you want. I've also been through a lot.
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 27 Dec 2020 14:43 #359835

  • Hakolhevel
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hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 27 Dec 2020 01:43:
I have many rebbeim. One is in Israel and hard to reach, and I feel that he won't fully grasp the situation. It's hard for him when our interactions are so infrequent. I don't think this is a Rebbi question anyways. What can they do? I'm in the trap right now. To go out to school is a very risky move in my opinion. To stay in this yeshiva is slowly draining my vitality. Switching yeshivas is also not on option; I'm not down to restart somewhere. I'm just waiting.....to get married. I'm trying to get the most out of the situation and be positive, but I'm really feeling the burn.

A Rebbi is a mentor. They don't necessarily have to have taught you gemora. Is there anyone you know who can be a listening ear in real llife (in other words, but in the anonymous forum).
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 27 Dec 2020 16:20 #359840

  • Sapy
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Hi buddy!
sorry to hear your going threw a rough time.
its important to understand yourself, and not judge yourself as you are in difficult situations.
Maybe try to find something new to start that will make you excited and fulfill yourself, like volunteering for a chesed cause, or starting a new chavrusa, on a new topic you enjoy? 
wishing you all the best, stay strong buddy!
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