Sometimes we act out, or pursue some other physical pleasure because we have nothing else in or lives. When I feel like my life has purpose, I can give myself a reason to put in the effort but when my I have no sense of self, I have nothing to fight for. For someone who has no sense of self, what else is there to pursue if not for physical pleasure?

I guess that's why I cannot motivate myself to fight, because I don't really see any other pursuit that's worth the effort.

I need to be more productive in my life, do some more exercise, feel better about myself and maybe I will find somewhere in me a reason to fight.

I hope this made sense, I am half asleep.   

I did a lot of the work that I was working on with my therapist to get through the day. It wasn't easy but it was the first clean day in a while that actually felt good. I have to find myself in this mess and fit myself in somewhere instead of just doing "the right thing" or "what I know I need to do." 

I've seen on this site that each time you say no it gets a little easier, I am thinking that that is only the case if you can say no without white knuckling. I learned that it helps to remain calm when faced with an urge and not to try to force it away. I learned that it's okay to have sexual desire, that's how guys are wired. It's okay to think a woman is pretty, it doesn't help me to try to convince myself that she isn't, that she will become ugly in ten years, or that she has bad breath. This is fantasy for heavens sake! I can have her however I'd like! But I can say that just because she is pretty doesn't mean that I have to masturbate. Just because I can, in fantasy, imagine her filling all the holes in my life doesn't mean that masturbating or dwelling on her is going to actually fill those holes. 

So don't tell me to stop thinking about them or that it's dangerous or anything else that I need to do, just tell me how hard it must be and maybe some trick you learned on how to implement the things that you already know  but cannot seem to stick to.

So, right now I am not stressing about this but I do want to get back on the train already.

I daven that this should be the beginning of the end.

Wilnevergiveup (or run away when things go south)

Exactly, denying the truth just makes it harder. There are pretty women out there. We will be attracted to them if we stare at them. We have desires, we're not tzadikim. Yet G-d created us this way and loves us regardless. But He sure rejoices with us in every win, however small.
I like the advice someone gave here (sorry, forgot who) about davening for an untzniusdike girl. I actually joke with myself whenever I see a really pretty woman on the street: "Wow I should really daven for this one" lol, but of course I quickly turn away.
About the sports thing, it's something that really helps me get clean. Particularly I've been doing martial arts. I feel it's a great way to release pent-up energy. Ever tried that?
Keep up trucking.

Snowflake wrote on 24 Sep 2021 12:46:

Thanks! 

I used to work out a lot and it kind of petered out. I for sure felt better about myself, that's how I know that it would help right now. I actually am fascinated by Martial Arts and used to watch online videos all the time (of course Brazilian Jiu Jitsu!). Taking proper instruction is something I would actually love to try one day.

Davening for them helps remind me that they are humans and that I have no right to use them as objects of my fantasy. Davening for myself helps remind me that I am human and therefore I will have some bad days and Hashem can help me get through them. Davening helps me remember that I am not G-d and that if I make a mistake, even a bad one, it's okay as long as I am working on fixing it. Davening helps remind me that I am not alone and that Hashem created this challenge and therefore is with me on my team (and not this evil thing who is out to make me suffer). Hashem is not my mean older brother dangling candy in front of my face, pulling it away every time I try to grab it, Hashem is my loving father who doesn't let me have too many treats, because it's not good for me.

So, yes, daven for her, but don't forget to daven for yourself too. Davening helps me feel Hashem's embrace.

A gut moed,
Wilnevergieup

It's amazes me what I could do to myself! I never realized to what extent I am actually my greatest enemy. I am constantly out to mess up my life in one way or another. 

Today, yet again, lust caused me to miss an opportunity that was not to be missed. I don't want it, I don't need it, and I keep on doing it. It's not that I fell really bad or anything, it's just that it takes up so much of my time and brain space that there is no room for things that are really important to me.

In working on certain things with my therapist, he told me that it's okay to sometimes make mistakes. I asked him, so it's okay to masturbate sometimes (by mistake)? He said no, it's not okay, but it's to make mistakes even when it's not okay. I took this as "don't stress" about it, so I didn't. Pretty soon, more and more things became okay until everything was okay besides outright porn and masturbation. 

Now I realized that it's really not okay what I am doing, I really need to nip it in the bud. I need to starve the monster and instead I am feeding it. If I fight it when it's still small, then I may stand a chance. 

I think I understand what he meant. It's not okay to masturbate, but it's okay to make mistakes sometimes as long as we are not complacent. It's not okay to be complacent. I was. 

Another thing is the fake friend component. Whenever I feel lonely, not taken care of, or not worthy, I can turn to my trusted and safe friend to make me feel loved and wanted. The problem is that she always makes matters worse because she causes me to isolate and prevents me from building real relationships. I need to build real relationships and keep up old ones.

One more thing and this is a little off topic, going through therapy has helped me a ton but has also caused me to focus a lot on myself and my needs. I found that Hashem kinda got lost in my search for myself, Anyone else have that? These days, my avodas Hashem pretty much consists of how it will make me feel more productive or what will I gain from it. (Better than it used to be; do it so that G-D doesn't smite you)

I think I used to be able to feel love by being grateful, haven't felt that in a while, I wonder if I am maybe becoming too self centered and need to find some middle ground. (Yes I will ask my therapist)

Just sharing some thoughts.


Oh, and thank G-d for filters!

   

wilnevergiveup wrote on 18 Oct 2021 21:07:

As always thank you for your great posts!

I would say that 'you' are still okay even if you do something that is not okay. We can still believe that masturbation is wrong, and not get complacent, even if we believe that we are okay if we sometimes masturbated. We dont masterbate not because It makes us 'not okay' just because it is something we believe we shouldn't do it.

Regarding your thinking your avoidas hashem surrounds you to much, and you think to much how your gonna feel productive, perhaps that is the right way, we should find what in avoidas hashem speaks to us, and makes us feel connected and productive. 

Sapy wrote on 19 Oct 2021 00:37:

What I meant was that my intention was to find avodas Hashem that makes me feel productive, in the process I lost the true purpose of why I am here. I ignited one motivation but I lost the true purpose. This made me completely unmotivated to to anything that wasn't for my benefit. Lots of things became wishy washy that once I thought about them were really not befitting for who I hold myself to be. 

For example, acting out doesn't bother me all that much these days until it takes me away from my sedarim.

Cumulative Clean Days: 613

Cool!

Feels like I am back where I started way back when, but I'm still fighting.

#wilnevergiveup

The Tanya writes that there are souls that Hashem created who will never alter their yetzer hara into good. Their purpose instead is to serve Hashem their entire lives by fighting a constant battle with the yetzer hara. No matter how much he fights, his yetzer hara will not be conquered. In fact, his yetzer hara is strengthened from all the physical acts in which the person must involve himself, such as eating, drinking, and similar physical activities that if overindulged lead to sin.

Encouragingly though, the Tanya mentions that the routine of consistently battling the yetzer hara day after day creates a sort of second nature within the person that makes the struggle easier. Nonetheless, the yetzer hara remains strong within him for his entire life in this world. But this person gives as much nachas ruach, pleasure, to Hashem as a tzadik. He fulfills the will of Hashem as completely as a tzadik, and he has no reason to be envious of the tzadik. (Note that in our everyday parlance and experience, we may call such a person a tzadik. To our sages, however, he fits into the separate category of a beinoni.)

Things are pretty tense at home. I am really confused, I don't really know what is expected from me and something obviously is. 

I am very frustrated, I wish I could make things better, I guess some things are just out of our control... Or are they?

Today I said to myself that I just need to shut up and daven that things fall into place because every time I open my mouth there tends to be a sobfest. 

Or daven to accept things if they don't fall into place.

My recent falls seem to be following a completely different pattern than in the past. My emotional health has taken a nice turn for the better and my struggle has completely changed. Didn't go away though. It's a journey, learning how to deal with this in every situation and time, in each situation the struggle comes out in a different way. 

There was something that I used to do when I was first starting out that really helped me and I completely forgot about it. Every time I acted out, I used to do something special for someone, either a family member, or a friend. It helped me get into building mode instead of "wallowing in depression" mode. Instead of spending the next who knows how long thinking about what an idiot I am (then masturbate then repeat) I would get up and look for something special to buy my wife just because (like a bar of chocolate). I was then able to convince myself that I am not as big of an idiot that I thought I was. This helped me get back up and feel that I am capable of some good. 

I think I will give this idea another shot, although I am going to add that the thing that I do could also be something special for me, like learning an extra seder, doing exercise, taking care of an errand that I have been pushing off etc. Hopefully, this will help me feel more productive.

Just putting my thoughts down in writing.   

Excellent idea! Publicize it. Depression just causes continuous falls. By refocusing the energy to do something nice for someone else (or for yourself) you remind yourself that you are innately a good person who has many good attributes and is busy with mitzvos and ma'asim tovim. It will stop you from falling into the trap of "Today i am bad because i masturbated, yesterday i was good because i didn't". There are 613 mitzvos d'oraysa, 7 mitzvos d'rabanan, myriad hanhogos tovos, loads of takanos accepted throughout the generations, yet somehow we measure ourselves exclusively on this one bad habit that we learned as innocent youngsters. By jumping to do something good we are declaring that although we may have messed up in this area, we are still good functioning productive erliche people.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 12 Nov 2021 09:15:

it's sort of like justifying the behavior, or countering it; this allows you/me to act out again and again. story of my life lately. I don't get upset or down about it; it's simply part of life, especially if the rest of your time you are doing good for other, or perhaps even extra good. here is what I suggest: if you act out and it is a nu-nu type of experience, then do something good for a family member; if you truly enjoyed yourself and it's something worth repeating, then do something good for a neighbor; if your acting out was Heaven-sent-perfect (like my last night episode, although brief), then choose a random fellow off the street and shower him/her with kindness. 

Trouble wrote on 12 Nov 2021 13:38:

Everyone is different. For some, being good is in order for them to feel less guilty on their next escapade. For me, it's to know that I am capable of more and getting back to life quicker.