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The Truth
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TOPIC: The Truth 5375 Views

Re: The Truth 22 Mar 2022 06:42 #378909

  • wilnevergiveup
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I think I started tying worthiness to being successful in this struggle again. Even though I didn't actually masturbate until a few days later, I already felt worthless once I started edging and looking at those images. Although doing those things might be a cause for a fall later on, in my case I think they made me feel that feeling that I cannot control myself and that I am being controlled by lust. That made me feel like I have no value or worthiness. I forgot/ignored all the good things that I do and just think that I am a loser. The result is that I isolate and try to wait for this to blow over, but really I should talk to someone. I cannot talk to my wife, this makes me feel lonely.

I speak to my therapist but it's hard to work through these things and it takes a long time. 

Just a random thought, you can probably gauge where you are holding in your recovery, if when you find a loophole or something open whether you are able to calmly take care of it, or you spend the next few days indulging and then complain to your filtering company that their filter sucks because it has too many loopholes.

@Sapy, your awesome!

@vehkam, I never actually got through The Battle of the Generation the first time I started. It might be a good idea though.
Check out My Thread and The Truth

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Last Edit: 22 Mar 2022 10:20 by wilnevergiveup.

Re: The Truth 22 Mar 2022 12:18 #378912

  • Dave M
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wilnevergiveup wrote on 22 Mar 2022 06:42:
Just a random thought, you can probably gauge where you are holding in your recovery, if when you find a loophole or something open whether you are able to calmly take care of it, or you spend the next few days indulging and then complain to your filtering company that their filter sucks because it has too many loopholes.


Good call. 

Re: The Truth 22 Mar 2022 13:41 #378914

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Dave M wrote on 22 Mar 2022 12:18:

wilnevergiveup wrote on 22 Mar 2022 06:42:
Just a random thought, you can probably gauge where you are holding in your recovery, if when you find a loophole or something open whether you are able to calmly take care of it, or you spend the next few days indulging and then complain to your filtering company that their filter sucks because it has too many loopholes.



Good call. 

So twice I was able to calmly fix it, and once I visited a porn site before hand and then fixed it, so I guess I'm hovering somewhere in between.

Re: The Truth 31 Mar 2022 23:33 #379452

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Today was hard. 
Check out My Thread and The Truth

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Re: The Truth 07 Apr 2022 23:03 #379748

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Fell again, who gives a darn what it was. 

I had 2+ weeks that was doing pretty well, the opportunity arose and I ran with it. 

I've been better the last month or two than I was before. Maybe that's why this is getting more frustrating, because I was starting to feel hopeful?

Either way, life doesn't stop so onward. 

How do they say it? That first sip? 

Gotta be more careful.  
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: The Truth 07 Apr 2022 23:18 #379749

Your momentum over the past two weeks doesn't have to disappear because of a single blip, keep up the positivity!

Re: The Truth 15 Apr 2022 20:44 #380013

  • wilnevergiveup
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I hate to admit this but masturbating on Erev Pesach can really help me be a better husband, and calm down my anxiety (as long as I manage to remove the guilt, which I did manage to do). 

The being away from home thing and having to be by parents and in-laws with all the siblings kills me.
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

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Re: The Truth 19 Apr 2022 01:26 #380029

wilnevergiveup wrote on 15 Apr 2022 20:44:
I hate to admit this but masturbating on Erev Pesach can really help me be a better husband, and calm down my anxiety (as long as I manage to remove the guilt, which I did manage to do). 

The being away from home thing and having to be by parents and in-laws with all the siblings kills me.

I used to feel like this in regard to porn. Whenever I was stressed (which was quite often), I'd use porn as a drug to get "high" and calm down-and it worked, at least temporarily.
But then, as I started to get my situation under control, I realized that it was a MINDSET issue. I was viewing porn in my head as a tranquilizer, and therefore it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you view something as a positive, it becomes that way. But this is not something you want to view as a positive.

It was difficult when I stopped treating porn as a sedative and decided to just deal with the stress head-on. But here I am today, not completely out of the woods but SO MUCH more free than I ever have been, and less stressed as well.

If you believe you can do it, you can. I've lived it.

Hatzlacha.
"A Yid never breaks
and a Yid never bends
and a Yid never gives up in the night
A Yid perseveres
through the deepest despairs
his Emunah strengthens him for the fight"

Re: The Truth 01 May 2022 09:58 #380230

  • wilnevergiveup
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I just want to share a thought or two if I may. 

Over my most recent struggles something crystalized that may seem simple to some but I was never able to fully grasp. When I used to feel emotional pain, it meant that something was wrong. Either there was something wrong with me or with what I was about to do. I would be afraid to make any moves, blame myself and feel horrible, and literally get stuck. 

Pain is good, fear is good, these are all healthy and normal feelings to feel when I want to try something scary, new, and unknown. The pain and fear don't mean anything is wrong, on the contrary, they meant that I am taking a risk and they are just warning me to take the necessary precautions. I don't have to become paralyzed and freeze, I can breathe through the pain and fear and say "the pain just means that I can still feel".

Pain doesn't always mean that there is something wrong, pain just means that there is something happening.   
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

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Re: The Truth 01 May 2022 11:19 #380231

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wilnevergiveup wrote on 01 May 2022 09:58:
I just want to share a thought or two if I may. 

Over my most recent struggles something crystalized that may seem simple to some but I was never able to fully grasp. When I used to feel emotional pain, it meant that something was wrong. Either there was something wrong with me or with what I was about to do. I would be afraid to make any moves, blame myself and feel horrible, and literally get stuck. 

Pain is good, fear is good, these are all healthy and normal feelings to feel when I want to try something scary, new, and unknown. The pain and fear don't mean anything is wrong, on the contrary, they meant that I am taking a risk and they are just warning me to take the necessary precautions. I don't have to become paralyzed and freeze, I can breathe through the pain and fear and say "the pain just means that I can still feel".

Pain doesn't always mean that there is something wrong, pain just means that there is something happening.   

Masterpiece! Mitzva l'farsem. How many guys act out because they can't process this concept.....
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: The Truth 01 May 2022 15:59 #380237

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Excellent point! Thank you - that's very helpful.

Do you also mean in situations where you aren't doing anything particularly scary or new. We can still have pain, stress or emotions that are hard to deal with - they just indicate that something is happening, it may be feeling of insecurity, shame etc. but it doesn't mean something is wrong that requires action to get rid of the pain.
אין הדבר תלוי אלא בי
אלמלא הקב"ה עוזרו לא יכול לו
זרע אברהם אוהבי

Re: The Truth 02 May 2022 06:50 #380264

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Avrohom wrote on 01 May 2022 15:59:
Excellent point! Thank you - that's very helpful.

Do you also mean in situations where you aren't doing anything particularly scary or new. We can still have pain, stress or emotions that are hard to deal with - they just indicate that something is happening, it may be feeling of insecurity, shame etc. but it doesn't mean something is wrong that requires action to get rid of the pain.

Great question. Sometimes there is something to do and sometimes there is not. Pain can also mean that something is wrong, but it's function is to make sure that you take the necessary precautions. In the cases that you are describing the same applies, when you feel the pain, you need to make a cheshbon whether you are prepared, did proper research etc. and if you did, it still could be scary buy you have to realize that it's okay for some things to be scary but it's not the end of the world. 

The way I understand this is like the difference between how a child would react to getting lost versus an adult. When a child gets lost, he starts turning in circle and starts crying out for his mother. if no one would help him, he would never find his way and would remain stuck there waiting for someone to help him find his way. An adult reacts differently. Even an adult will become anxious when he is lost, and may become tense or even afraid but an adult can work his way back home on his own. An adult can ask for directions, he can look at a map, he can call a friend etc. 

In short, an adult can accept that he is not in a desirable situation and still work his way through it as opposed to a child who becomes helpless.

In my life, I find that I often react to things like a child and become helpless hoping that someone will pull me through whatever mess I am in. The healthier way to respond, I think, is to accept the pain as undesirable but to then take care of yourself, figure out what needs to be done and do it. 

I think this applies to all stress, anxiety, etc. I was just using the example of trying something new because that's what I am going through now. Of course, we need to take care of the things that need to be taken care of but after we do that we can accept the pain for what it is instead of trying to fight it or numb it.
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
Last Edit: 02 May 2022 10:56 by wilnevergiveup.

Re: The Truth 02 May 2022 11:22 #380265

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You hit the nail on the head, and there is a story to prove it:

One of the guys here was recently seen by a top psychologist and reported the following. This individual was reacting very emotionally to numerous situations at home in a hypersensitive manner. His therapist uncovered that he had been viewing pornography and masturbating from a very young age. He explained that this fellow had never had the opportunity to learn how to accept and process feelings. From a very young age, pain, fear, loneliness - all uncomfortable feelings - were dealt with the "pornography/masturbation pacifier" method. As soon as he would experience the slightest discomfort, he would reach for his numbing technique. "Your job", he told our friend, "is to learn and accept discomfort and process it in a healthy way".

I think many of us here; me for sure, should review this concept again and again. So much of our emotional neediness is due to our handicap in dealing with the very normal daily frustrations of life in a healthy manner.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

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Re: The Truth 03 May 2022 20:29 #380354

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wilnevergiveup wrote on 01 Dec 2020 13:32:

jack123 wrote on 01 Dec 2020 11:05:
Sorry im venting a bit, but  beside me, is anyone suffering even with having a perfect childhood no sort of abuse or introduction to anything, it seems like everyone has a reason whereas i dont...
ive spent a long time in the past years blaming it on this and that, but nothing substantial besides myself.
[pls dont give me sermons about dropping guilt etc, i know all about it]
p.s.
im not usually so grumpy, just a rough patch!!!!!

First of all, nothing wrong with being grumpy, it happens sometimess.

I don't have any childhood trauma. I am blessed with a  loving family and absolutely nothing to complain about.

Yeah, could my parents have given me more attention or affirmation, probably but being one of a pretty large family I think they did their best. If you search I am sure you will find something to blame it on but at the end of the day, I had a really solid upbringing and still struggle. 

Someone wise once told me "it may be their fault, but it's your problem".

At the end of the day, whether you have underlying issues or not, this is surely an issue in itself. Focus on this journey and if you feel you need to address something else, well then take care of that too.

All the best, 
Wilnevergiveup

Wow things have changed since I wrote this! I can't even believe we are the same person.

I was in such deep denial about my trauma that I believed I was okay and all that pain that I was dealing with was normal. 

Wow. 

I desperately needed help but I refused to admit it and get it because that would mean that there was something wrong with me. I was able to reach out for help when I was in enough pain to be able to admit to myself and Hashem that I just couldn't manage alone. When I realized that it's not me trying to conquer my Yetzer Hara, and that what I was dealing with was more than just laziness and "having a hard time". 
Check out My Thread and The Truth

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Re: The Truth 12 May 2022 13:45 #380652

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I have realized that there are just times that I cannot cope with life without at least some pacifier. Be it lust, food, alcohol, or just staying in bed. Lust is the safest physically, I am just not sure about it because it might be making my depression worse. Sometimes I use food, which gives me the feeling of loss of control. I try to limit my alcohol consumption because that would be a disaster. 

It's tricky, I am hopeful that I will get through this, working through therapy. I am exploring medication, that might also take an edge off of the struggle.

And that's it for now.
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
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