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Break Free

Journey of life
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: Journey of life 54175 Views

Re: My sorry state... 26 Mar 2018 10:56 #328948

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lifebound wrote on 26 Mar 2018 07:38:

lionking wrote on 26 Mar 2018 02:50:
Do you mean to say I have been hitting the wrong button a whole time? If Minus adds, then Plus would minus.
I'm a little out of the loop here.


It's pretty much the same as your last loop:

For (i=0, i<100, i++);
{
printf("karma is optional");
}

tsk tsk. This is why there's so much confusion
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
One day... At A Time :-D

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Re: My sorry state... 26 Mar 2018 12:20 #328951

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Singularity wrote on 26 Mar 2018 10:56:

lifebound wrote on 26 Mar 2018 07:38:

lionking wrote on 26 Mar 2018 02:50:
Do you mean to say I have been hitting the wrong button a whole time? If Minus adds, then Plus would minus.
I'm a little out of the loop here.



It's pretty much the same as your last loop:

For (i=0, i<100, i++);
{
printf("karma is optional");
}


tsk tsk. This is why there's so much confusion

Was waiting for someone to catch that. Didn't want to lock him in brackets, to give him a chance to break free.
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Re: My sorry state... 26 Mar 2018 13:28 #328952

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hey you guys are hijacking my thread!oops, sorry i forgot this is not my thread:flushed:.

technology is amazing! gye was able to block my username from recieving anymore negative karmas but at the same time it works for everyone else, i think someone complained to them whats going on,it probably was the -98 guy ,he was getting a little nervous that im catching up,or catching down ,whatever.

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

Last Edit: 26 Mar 2018 13:31 by ieeyc.

Re: My sorry state... 26 Mar 2018 16:45 #328953

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me and my big beak ! i really think gye is  takeing matters into there own hands and reset my karma to 0, DISCLAIMER TO ABOVE POST:gye  really didnt  block my username from recieving negative karmas ,it was just a pshycological trick to get people to press the - sign to see if gye really blocked it, but now that its up to zero i think  i put my foot in my mouth.can any one  "smite" me to see if the - sign  works, this really is not a trick .

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

Re: My sorry state... 26 Mar 2018 21:18 #328961

lifebound wrote on 23 Mar 2018 20:11:

............talk and philosophizing about life and diversions is itself  It's all good and valuable stuff ............. I need to think less and do more.

Thanks lifebound for sharing. Hope you are feeling better today. 
Regarding the above post,while i guess the Ba'alei Mussar would advocate,making careful cheshbonos prior taking action or making decisions...... in the Recovery Rooms, I have heard the concept of "overthinking" which is what i thing your are describing.
I engage in this on occasion,most recently,i am thinking about how I will be able to handle free unstructured time during  upcoming Chol HaMoed  (prime time for me to watch porn ect...) i guess making a plan is not such a bad idea....but i was advised ...to keep the focus on having a sober day today..one day at a time.

Re: Journey of life 13 Apr 2018 08:52 #329681

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I don't know yet what I need to do to get out of this state. I don't know what exactly my path to recovery should be. I don't know if this time around will be different. But here are a few things I DO know:

- I can't afford to waste time. I spend too much time agonizing over wasted time, wishing I could roll back the clock, wishing I started years ago. But that just wastes more time, and I don't get anything done.

- This self-pity has to stop. It's stupid, selfish, and accomplishes nothing. Easier said than done, but it's been the main reason why I've wasted these last few weeks. (to that end, I've changed my dripping-in-self-pity thread title from "My sorry state...". My state is definitely not sorrier than many others here. And even if it is a bit sorry, I don't need that hit of self-pity every time I log on...)

- Staying connected is super important. I can't keep isolating every time I feel a bit down. Avoiding everyone is very harmful to myself. Also has the nasty side effect of ignoring people who reach out to me when they need help, which makes me feel very guilty. (That's a selfish reason, I know...but I feel bad knowing maybe I could've helped someone avoid a fall, but was too wrapped up in myself to reply)

- My life as I've known it until now, is over. One way or the other, I cannot spend the rest of my life in this state. As I believe Dov puts it, lust and porn and sex with self is not my problem. It's the solution. My problem is living without those things. If I don't succeed in addressing my issues with living, I'm going to throw it all away and start over. New life. New place. At least that way I won't look back in 20 years and wish I had changed my life in some way, while I had the chance. Knowing that, I have nothing to lose in first trying anything and everything to start living, without throwing it all away. I commit to doing whatever it takes.


If you made it this far, thanks for reading my ramblings and for accompanying me on my journey.
And thanks to everyone who's reached out the last few weeks, sorry for not being responsive.

Re: Journey of life 13 Apr 2018 11:22 #329683

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Very well written. Instead of agonizing and "thinking", maybe just reconnect to whoever has been reaching out to you (at least to those that you have found helpful in the past) and get going......
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Journey of life 17 Apr 2018 04:42 #329865

lifebound wrote on 13 Apr 2018 08:52:
I don't know yet what I need to do to get out of this state. I don't know what exactly my path to recovery should be. I don't know if this time around will be different. But here are a few things I DO know:

- I can't afford to waste time. I spend too much time agonizing over wasted time, wishing I could roll back the clock, wishing I started years ago. But that just wastes more time, and I don't get anything done.

- This self-pity has to stop. It's stupid, selfish, and accomplishes nothing. Easier said than done, but it's been the main reason why I've wasted these last few weeks. (to that end, I've changed my dripping-in-self-pity thread title from "My sorry state...". My state is definitely not sorrier than many others here. And even if it is a bit sorry, I don't need that hit of self-pity every time I log on...)

- Staying connected is super important. I can't keep isolating every time I feel a bit down. Avoiding everyone is very harmful to myself. Also has the nasty side effect of ignoring people who reach out to me when they need help, which makes me feel very guilty. (That's a selfish reason, I know...but I feel bad knowing maybe I could've helped someone avoid a fall, but was too wrapped up in myself to reply)

- My life as I've known it until now, is over. One way or the other, I cannot spend the rest of my life in this state. As I believe Dov puts it, lust and porn and sex with self is not my problem. It's the solution. My problem is living without those things. If I don't succeed in addressing my issues with living, I'm going to throw it all away and start over. New life. New place. At least that way I won't look back in 20 years and wish I had changed my life in some way, while I had the chance. Knowing that, I have nothing to lose in first trying anything and everything to start living, without throwing it all away. I commit to doing whatever it takes.


If you made it this far, thanks for reading my ramblings and for accompanying me on my journey.
And thanks to everyone who's reached out the last few weeks, sorry for not being responsive.

I like this post. Especially the part about changing the title of the thread. Good move.

Re: Journey of life 17 Apr 2018 13:13 #329876

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Hatzlocha! Rooting for you
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
One day... At A Time :-D

Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Journey of life 29 May 2018 06:12 #331478

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Been a while since I posted on my thread, but I think today warrants an update.

I've had a crazy last few months. I was in freefall, hitting new lows, completely out of control.
About two months ago, God gave me the clarity to comprehend how destructive this path is. I realized my life cannot continue this way. I had two choices: Either I was going to give in to lust, throw away everything else, and let my life run its course to depravity and ruin, or I was going to do whatever it takes to actually start living, no matter how terrifying it is. Thinking and agonizing were getting me nowhere, I had to start DOING.

So I did the unthinkable, contacted Relief and got a recommendation for a therapist. That first session was crazy, a surreal experience. I told him everything, my entire history, my deepest darkest secrets - all the things I swore I would take to the grave. After a couple sessions he told me that we were dealing with a real addiction, and if I was ready I should join SA. You're never really ready I guess, I've never been more petrified of anything in my life. but I had committed to doing whatever it takes. Today was my first SA meeting. All I can say is, it wasn't me that walked up those steps and opened that door, I could not have done that on my own. There's no question in my mind that I got to this point because God allowed me to. It was all Him, granting me courage and prodding me along. This is only the beginning and I pray that He continue allowing me to go down this path, to start living.

And to everyone on here who has given me support, pushed me in the right direction when I needed pushing, and shared their experience, strength and hope - whether it was on my thread, or your other forum posts, or thru chat/text/phone/in-person conversations: I would not be at this point today without you all, thank you.
Last Edit: 29 May 2018 06:14 by lifebound. Reason: punctuation

Re: Journey of life 29 May 2018 13:24 #331483

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Thanks for all your shares and especially this one. Truly Inspirational!
KUTGW!
May Hashem grant you success in all areas of your life!

Re: Journey of life 31 May 2018 19:24 #331591

Dear Brother Lifebound,
I am truly humbled and inspired by your openness,honesty  and acceptance.
Your  tremendous perseverance and growth are a source of strength for all of us who struggle.

Your recent courageous actions are an awesome example and a source of support and encouragement to us all throughout this journey.  I am grateful to be part of your network! 

Re: Journey of life 01 Jun 2018 02:20 #331612

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lifebound wrote on 29 May 2018 06:12:
Been a while since I posted on my thread, but I think today warrants an update.

I've had a crazy last few months. I was in freefall, hitting new lows, completely out of control.
About two months ago, God gave me the clarity to comprehend how destructive this path is. I realized my life cannot continue this way. I had two choices: Either I was going to give in to lust, throw away everything else, and let my life run its course to depravity and ruin, or I was going to do whatever it takes to actually start living, no matter how terrifying it is. Thinking and agonizing were getting me nowhere, I had to start DOING.

So I did the unthinkable, contacted Relief and got a recommendation for a therapist. That first session was crazy, a surreal experience. I told him everything, my entire history, my deepest darkest secrets - all the things I swore I would take to the grave. After a couple sessions he told me that we were dealing with a real addiction, and if I was ready I should join SA. You're never really ready I guess, I've never been more petrified of anything in my life. but I had committed to doing whatever it takes. Today was my first SA meeting. All I can say is, it wasn't me that walked up those steps and opened that door, I could not have done that on my own. There's no question in my mind that I got to this point because God allowed me to. It was all Him, granting me courage and prodding me along. This is only the beginning and I pray that He continue allowing me to go down this path, to start living.

And to everyone on here who has given me support, pushed me in the right direction when I needed pushing, and shared their experience, strength and hope - whether it was on my thread, or your other forum posts, or thru chat/text/phone/in-person conversations: I would not be at this point today without you all, thank you.

wow! i just read your earlier posts how its difficult for you to open up to others , and now you actualy  took that step!!may this be the start of accelerated hatzlacha and recovery!

Re: Journey of life 13 Jun 2018 06:24 #332138

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I acted out last night, was up most of the night, bingeing on porn for hours.
Thank God doing better now I think, I called my sponsor today, spoke to a bunch of other people, went to a meeting. Acting out is self-destruction, but the last few times it's been an opportunity to get more clarity about the nature of my addiction, and I'm grateful for that aspect.

Today's Daily Dose of Dov in the chizuk email was speaking straight to me, I think it has a lot to do with why I acted out. Sharing it here:

Might you be pitted against a greater foe than you estimate? One day clean, then three days clean, then one day.... What is happening here? Is it all about racking the days up? Is it a game? I honestly believe that a game is what many folks make it... and strangely, that method may work just fine for them and I have no criticism for them at all.But: is it working for you ?

All my crying, klopping al cheit and wishing I'd succeed does not make me really serious about this 'battle'. Taking it seriously does. And sincerity alone, has never won any battles. I needed real help and to take real measures to start really getting better "inside". Till then, nothing of any real consequence happened. Nothing but ping-pong.... and regarding ping-pong:

A string of clean days once in a while is very nice, but this business of counting the days can sometimes be one of the strongest weapons that tayva/lust addiction/the YH/self-defeating behavior (or whatever you wish to call it) has against you. I believe that the one thing that some of us can do to practically assure that we will fail again and just shlep along till we get really messed up, is to count the days clean. We are just letting the pressure build up without making any true inner change.

I am not posting this to you because it sounds good, nor just because it makes sense to me...but only because I have experienced it myself. Counting seems to be helpful for some people - yet total poison for others.

It starts with one ... and it ends with one .

The days we stay clean do not really 'add up'. They are over as soon as it is the next day. I have never seen a pile of days anywhere? Have you? As the sefer Gesher Hachayim tells us (and as Hashem tells us in the Sh'ma when He says, "Hayom" a few times), our time here is made of one thing: now . The past is over and the future hasn't happened to us yet. So there is no such thing as "being clean for two days," at all. It is just a fantasy.... and fantasy is apparently not your friend, nor is it mine.

It does seem to help other folks, but we need to look at what we are doing and admit if it works, or not, for us.
Last Edit: 13 Jun 2018 07:00 by lifebound.

Re: Journey of life 13 Jun 2018 10:13 #332149

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What was the original plan before you acted out? Call your sponsor when you feel like acting out (instead of after) ?
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