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This time I mean business!
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TOPIC: This time I mean business! 30700 Views

Re: This time I mean business! 28 Feb 2017 18:36 #307060

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eslaasos wrote on 28 Feb 2017 18:28:
Hashivah,
You asked for advice from people with long streaks and I have qualified in the past, so I'm throwing in my 2 cents.
Based on my what worked for me, the point stressed by Cordnoy and unanumun is key. Lust isn't my issue, dealing with life is.
On the other hand, it definitely helps to restrict access, so to add to your list of cutting implements, I'm curious about your phone which isn't mentioned above. Personally, I can't afford to have a smartphone. At some point I will use it to escape.

Just tread carefully. Are we gonna say Hashiva should give his wife his credit cards too, since there are other escape Hatch's?
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Re: This time I mean business! 28 Feb 2017 18:45 #307063

...my experience was and is that the long term streak as you call it (I stopped thinking of it as a streak and more of a different way of life at some point) came from changing the way I live my life.From getting to know what the underlying issues that I was (and still am sometimes) trying to escape from. Through identifying them, the battles no longer became about lust.
My battles became fights with depression, isolation. overwhelmingness, frustration and others. Once I focused my energies into these things, when I would find myself lusting it would serve as a reminder that i have to deal with these issues and by doing so instead of running away from them to porn, the lust would (r)ecede on its own.

This is quite a post, Una. I wanted to put it on my going for 90-days thread, but when I hit "quote" it only sends me to this thread. Anyway, thanks for the insight. I hope to follow through, as you have.
(I changed the word to recede because that is what you meant).

Re: This time I mean business! 28 Feb 2017 20:57 #307075

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Maybe, but I don't know how I'm going to have the patience. 

Re: This time I mean business! 28 Feb 2017 21:02 #307076

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Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote on 28 Feb 2017 20:57:
Maybe, but I don't know how I'm going to have the patience. 

It's unclear who you are respondin' to.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: This time I mean business! 28 Feb 2017 21:02 #307077

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Markz wrote on 28 Feb 2017 18:36:

eslaasos wrote on 28 Feb 2017 18:28:
Hashivah,
You asked for advice from people with long streaks and I have qualified in the past, so I'm throwing in my 2 cents.
Based on my what worked for me, the point stressed by Cordnoy and unanumun is key. Lust isn't my issue, dealing with life is.
On the other hand, it definitely helps to restrict access, so to add to your list of cutting implements, I'm curious about your phone which isn't mentioned above. Personally, I can't afford to have a smartphone. At some point I will use it to escape.

Just tread carefully. Are we gonna say Hashiva should give his wife his credit cards too, since there are other escape Hatch's?

Actually, I don't have a smartphone, never did, and I plan to keep it that way. I'm just worried what happens when my zeal cools down. A BT has a whole new life, so he has made a huge clear cut off of all old things. I'm afraid just telling my wife that I will not have the password and I won't access on my own is not enough of a cut. I'm looking for more, like the BT.

Re: This time I mean business! 28 Feb 2017 21:03 #307078

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cordnoy wrote on 28 Feb 2017 21:02:

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote on 28 Feb 2017 20:57:
Maybe, but I don't know how I'm going to have the patience. 

It's unclear who you are respondin' to.

Sorry, I forgot to quote. I was responding to your suggestion that I read the books.

Re: This time I mean business! 28 Feb 2017 21:26 #307081

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Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote on 28 Feb 2017 21:03:

cordnoy wrote on 28 Feb 2017 21:02:

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote on 28 Feb 2017 20:57:
Maybe, but I don't know how I'm going to have the patience. 

It's unclear who you are respondin' to.

Sorry, I forgot to quote. I was responding to your suggestion that I read the books.

Ok.
T'was just a suggestion, somethin' thatI worked by me.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: This time I mean business! 28 Feb 2017 21:48 #307085

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Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote on 28 Feb 2017 21:02:

Markz wrote on 28 Feb 2017 18:36:

eslaasos wrote on 28 Feb 2017 18:28:
Hashivah,
You asked for advice from people with long streaks and I have qualified in the past, so I'm throwing in my 2 cents.
Based on my what worked for me, the point stressed by Cordnoy and unanumun is key. Lust isn't my issue, dealing with life is.
On the other hand, it definitely helps to restrict access, so to add to your list of cutting implements, I'm curious about your phone which isn't mentioned above. Personally, I can't afford to have a smartphone. At some point I will use it to escape.

Just tread carefully. Are we gonna say Hashiva should give his wife his credit cards too, since there are other escape Hatch's?

Actually, I don't have a smartphone, never did, and I plan to keep it that way. I'm just worried what happens when my zeal cools down. A BT has a whole new life, so he has made a huge clear cut off of all old things. I'm afraid just telling my wife that I will not have the password and I won't access on my own is not enough of a cut. I'm looking for more, like the BT.

Your analogy to BT is interesting, because from 1 angle it's not the best analogy

Take cord' or dov for example. I'd be sure that there's no external look change. It's mostly 99% internal. When you say like a BT, I understand that to mean drastic external changes in location, friends, environment. And I don't know if that's the cut we need. 

One small note - involving the wife as private investigator hasn't worked much for me

Sorry I'm not a good cheerleader. I'm not a pusher. Just a simple guy. 

Keep us posted brother
My Story---------Dov Quotes




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100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
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Re: This time I mean business! 28 Feb 2017 22:00 #307086

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Markz wrote on 28 Feb 2017 21:48:

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote on 28 Feb 2017 21:02:

Markz wrote on 28 Feb 2017 18:36:

eslaasos wrote on 28 Feb 2017 18:28:
Hashivah,
You asked for advice from people with long streaks and I have qualified in the past, so I'm throwing in my 2 cents.
Based on my what worked for me, the point stressed by Cordnoy and unanumun is key. Lust isn't my issue, dealing with life is.
On the other hand, it definitely helps to restrict access, so to add to your list of cutting implements, I'm curious about your phone which isn't mentioned above. Personally, I can't afford to have a smartphone. At some point I will use it to escape.

Just tread carefully. Are we gonna say Hashiva should give his wife his credit cards too, since there are other escape Hatch's?

Actually, I don't have a smartphone, never did, and I plan to keep it that way. I'm just worried what happens when my zeal cools down. A BT has a whole new life, so he has made a huge clear cut off of all old things. I'm afraid just telling my wife that I will not have the password and I won't access on my own is not enough of a cut. I'm looking for more, like the BT.

Your analogy to BT is interesting, because from 1 angle it's not the best analogy

Take cord' or dov for example. I'd be sure that there's no external look change. It's mostly 99% internal. When you say like a BT, I understand that to mean drastic external changes in location, friends, environment. And I don't know if that's the cut we need. 

One small note - involving the wife as private investigator hasn't worked much for me

Sorry I'm not a good cheerleader. I'm not a pusher. Just a simple guy. 

Keep us posted brother

I think the stopping of using the internet freely is a change in lifestyle of the type I'm looking for. I'm looking for more of the same, so that I will more often feel different than before, like a BT. 

I'm not using her as a PI. She doesn't know of my issue, and she trusts me. I simply told her that as it occurred that something not so nice inadvertently popped up on the screen, I have decided to tighten my rules so that I won't access it on my own.

Re: This time I mean business! 28 Feb 2017 22:28 #307088

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Markz wrote on 28 Feb 2017 21:48:

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote on 28 Feb 2017 21:02:

Markz wrote on 28 Feb 2017 18:36:

eslaasos wrote on 28 Feb 2017 18:28:
Hashivah,
You asked for advice from people with long streaks and I have qualified in the past, so I'm throwing in my 2 cents.
Based on my what worked for me, the point stressed by Cordnoy and unanumun is key. Lust isn't my issue, dealing with life is.
On the other hand, it definitely helps to restrict access, so to add to your list of cutting implements, I'm curious about your phone which isn't mentioned above. Personally, I can't afford to have a smartphone. At some point I will use it to escape.

Just tread carefully. Are we gonna say Hashiva should give his wife his credit cards too, since there are other escape Hatch's?

Actually, I don't have a smartphone, never did, and I plan to keep it that way. I'm just worried what happens when my zeal cools down. A BT has a whole new life, so he has made a huge clear cut off of all old things. I'm afraid just telling my wife that I will not have the password and I won't access on my own is not enough of a cut. I'm looking for more, like the BT.

Your analogy to BT is interesting, because from 1 angle it's not the best analogy

Take cord' or dov for example. I'd be sure that there's no external look change. It's mostly 99% internal. When you say like a BT, I understand that to mean drastic external changes in location, friends, environment. And I don't know if that's the cut we need. 

One small note - involving the wife as private investigator hasn't worked much for me

Sorry I'm not a good cheerleader. I'm not a pusher. Just a simple guy. 

Keep us posted brother

There are many ways to BT, but many don't manage to do it in a balanced form.
Personally i think the concept of BT that you are espousing is very romantic but not very real world.
(yes i know many many pure BT's) but that's only the analogy that I don't fully agree with.
You know whats best for you!
Correct me if I am off the mark' with my reading since i did not get a chance to read up to your earlier time here, yet, but as i understood it, you don't have any real reason to be on the internet, and you already whitelisted GYE and myzmanim so what more do you need.
You have all the information you need surrounding you in your world and no reason to go near your wifes computer either.
It sounds to me that your BT analogy much more fits the AA analogy where the alcoholic has to accept that they can never drink again.
But you don't have that issue, for there will be a way to add other torahdike sites to your white list as time goes on.
Seriously though, I don't have long sobriety but i do have an idea to add to your inventory, and that's practicing decision-based shmiras einayim.
Much haztlocha on your return!
Last Edit: 28 Feb 2017 22:33 by GrowStrong. Reason: clarifications

Re: This time I mean business! 28 Feb 2017 22:52 #307089

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GrowStrong wrote on 28 Feb 2017 22:28:

Markz wrote on 28 Feb 2017 21:48:

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote on 28 Feb 2017 21:02:

Markz wrote on 28 Feb 2017 18:36:

eslaasos wrote on 28 Feb 2017 18:28:
Hashivah,
You asked for advice from people with long streaks and I have qualified in the past, so I'm throwing in my 2 cents.
Based on my what worked for me, the point stressed by Cordnoy and unanumun is key. Lust isn't my issue, dealing with life is.
On the other hand, it definitely helps to restrict access, so to add to your list of cutting implements, I'm curious about your phone which isn't mentioned above. Personally, I can't afford to have a smartphone. At some point I will use it to escape.

Just tread carefully. Are we gonna say Hashiva should give his wife his credit cards too, since there are other escape Hatch's?

Actually, I don't have a smartphone, never did, and I plan to keep it that way. I'm just worried what happens when my zeal cools down. A BT has a whole new life, so he has made a huge clear cut off of all old things. I'm afraid just telling my wife that I will not have the password and I won't access on my own is not enough of a cut. I'm looking for more, like the BT.

Your analogy to BT is interesting, because from 1 angle it's not the best analogy

Take cord' or dov for example. I'd be sure that there's no external look change. It's mostly 99% internal. When you say like a BT, I understand that to mean drastic external changes in location, friends, environment. And I don't know if that's the cut we need. 

One small note - involving the wife as private investigator hasn't worked much for me

Sorry I'm not a good cheerleader. I'm not a pusher. Just a simple guy. 

Keep us posted brother

There are many ways to BT, but many don't manage to do it in a balanced form.
Personally i think the concept of BT that you are espousing is very romantic but not very real world.
(yes i know many many pure BT's) but that's only the analogy that I don't fully agree with.
You know whats best for you!
Correct me if I am off the mark' with my reading since i did not get a chance to read up to your earlier time here, yet, but as i understood it, you don't have any real reason to be on the internet, and you already whitelisted GYE and myzmanim so what more do you need.
You have all the information you need surrounding you in your world and no reason to go near your wifes computer either.
It sounds to me that your BT analogy much more fits the AA analogy where the alcoholic has to accept that they can never drink again.
But you don't have that issue, for there will be a way to add other torahdike sites to your white list as time goes on.
Seriously though, I don't have long sobriety but i do have an idea to add to your inventory, and that's practicing decision-based shmiras einayim.
Much haztlocha on your return!

Decision-based shmiras einayim is a good idea. I'm afraid it's not so much of a lifestyle though but rather an ongoing nisoyon. But I will try to find and add those things in this area that could be part of a lifestyle. Thanks

Re: This time I mean business! 28 Feb 2017 23:24 #307090

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I guess that's how you view it. It's always gonna be a nisayon.
But it can become also a part of your lifestyle. (Semantics I know)
But I hear you.. remember that you have to also look in and not in a musardicke way but in a searching way for your own truth and reasons for escape. For some hisbodedut is enough, for others they prefer a therapist. Both help the same cause. 
One final point from your original post
'just cos we sinned doesn't make us sinners!

Re: This time I mean business! 01 Mar 2017 00:20 #307099

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A few are advising a deeper look. It's true but it has no sof. To me the problem comes occasionally, and I don't see how I can make life life upsetness free that I won't feel an eptiness occasionally. I think for me it's more just about a sharp cut. But I hear Cords saying t read the books. Cords, is that a long term plan? Is that what's working for you? Or what is?

Re: This time I mean business! 01 Mar 2017 00:30 #307100

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Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote on 01 Mar 2017 00:20:
A few are advising a deeper look. It's true but it has no sof. To me the problem comes occasionally, and I don't see how I can make life life upsetness free that I won't feel an eptiness occasionally. I think for me it's more just about a sharp cut. But I hear Cords saying t read the books. Cords, is that a long term plan? Is that what's working for you? Or what is?

The method I am suggestin' helps one deal with those empty times. It is productive for stressful moments as well.

It is a plan for now.

I went to meetings.
I had sponsors.
I read the books.
I worked the steps.
I spoke to therapists.
I sponsored others.
I met others.

I hardly do any of those now religiously, but I am a changed man. My insides thatI is.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: This time I mean business! 01 Mar 2017 00:59 #307106

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While I can't say that I agree with everythin' that SB SR. wrote here, I certainly agree with most of it, and I think you will find parts of it useful for your current dilemma.

silentbattle wrote on 07 Feb 2010 02:55:
OK, so continuing with my ideas for a program...please, share your thoughts about any/all aspects of what I'm writing here, I could use the input - tell me what you agree with, disagree with, can add to, enhance, modify, etc.

I think that every program, whether it's therapy, or 12 steps, or GYE, or...well, anything...is going to have two basic focuses (focii?): sur meira, v'asei tov. Which I see as (asei tov) focusing on the person you want to be, the person you really are, and the values that you have; what you truly think is important; living life; improving, growing, being happier. And (sur meira), remembering what's dangerous, and just how dangerous it is - and staying far away (or as far away as possible); being honest about tests, dangers, triggers, and feelings, with oneself, and ideally, with someone else.

So, my thoughts are as follows: Keep going with GYE. This helps me focus both on how I'm growing, and also makes me examine where my tests are. And makes me admit to them, we're I've succeeded, where I haven't.

Keep in touch with a partner/sponsor, eventually via phone. I may have found someone to do this with, we'll see how it works out.

Be in touch with my rebbe and friend, both of whom know and understand my issues.

Continue to grow - learn, work, schooling, make sure that I feel like I'm moving forward in life. I'm looking into starting to go to a shiur, with the possibility of getting closer to the guy giving it, having a rebbe that's local. Not going to be the same as my rebbe in Eretz Yisorel, who knows me incredibly well, has been with me for YEARS, and everything - but he is here, and that has definite advantages.

Please, add to my thoughts?
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.
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