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Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 18989 Views

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 11 Nov 2014 08:09 #243109

  • serenity
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I can relate to you somewhat. Reading through all the posts it seems you may have taken things further than I did with building the relationship. I can't tell if you are actually in love with this person or if you are just lusting after her. I used to have a secretary that I would flirt with all the time and text her at other times. It was totally a physical interest. Thanks to the grace of Hashem nothing ever happened. I have had other times where I was offered a one night stand. I immediately thought of my wife and what that would do to her and my kids and what that would do to them. I also thought of myself and asked myself if I wanted the stress, loss, public humiliation and embarrassment for a fleeting pleasure. Before the act the yetzer hara and desire seems great, after the act you will have nothing but shame. If you think it is hard to live on your block now, after such an act, you will be ashamed to walk outside and even during the act you will be disgusted with yourself, at least I would be. I once strayed unintentionally (as little sense as they may make - I was obviously in risky territory to begin with). I almost puked. This was about 10 years ago B"H and caused me nothing but heart ache. I don't know if you ever strayed or what your life is like, but for me there is only my wife and the feelings for another person of lust are all fake. To act on them to me will be only disgust and shame. Not to mention the risk of pregnancy and disease. Disease which you could spread to your wife. You have to immediately cease communication with this woman. You need to call someone every time you think of her. Are you working a program?
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.
Last Edit: 11 Nov 2014 08:31 by serenity. Reason: added a thought

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 11 Nov 2014 11:23 #243113

  • lavi
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hello duddy
i don't know if this will help you but
I CAN RELATE.
i have around me, where i live and also where i work, several attractive women.
if this means anything to you see gemara sanhedrin 68b, about a fellow who was totally crazy about one woman,
and it seems he is better off killing himself than getting even close to her,
but maybe for the sake of your family, you can keep yourself alive, and keeping on trying to break the spell that this woman has on you.
i say "keep on" because by posting here, it is already a step.
my friend, let's live and learn, and don't give up until you have managed to put this nightmare behind you.
maybe you can reach into yourself and find the answer to your problem.
i love you all

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 11 Nov 2014 20:24 #243130

  • cordnoy
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Hey Duddy,

The 'strong' ones on the site hinted to me that perhaps I should post this (goodbye letter) for you. i don't have the chutzpah to do that, so i am postin' it for myself:

From way back in January....

Mona,

I must do this.

It cannot continue.

This will not be a long letter, for you know me well…probably even better than I do.

I have labeled myself as an “opportunistic sexaholic.”

When the opportunity rises, I cannot stop myself.

I know what your opinions are regarding porn and masturbation, etc., so there is no need to expound on it.

When we first “met” 15 or 16 months ago, I was completely entrenched in this behavior. It was that way for many years. About seven to eight months ago, I came to two realizations.

1. My life was sick…it was being controlled by outside forces.

2. My marriage could not improve with all the current baggage I was carrying around.

Lately, my behavior has improved, with one exception, and that was you. During our entire “relationship,” you have never pushed me to contact you. You have never tried to convince me to do anything with you. If anything, you tried to help me at times. I valued and respected that in you. I was always the driving force.

It now, however, must come to a screeching halt. I must say goodbye. Not for a month; not for two, but forever. This is strong words that I am writing and I pray that I can keep it. I know that you will respect my wishes. Perhaps I will send an email, text or message. I plead with you….do not reply. I might implore you with several of them…I beg you….please do not respond.

You never were driven by money; you always had a higher value system. I need this to work for my life and for my marriage. I spoke to me wife last week, and I said that my life is even more important than my marriage. What I was saying is that I need to take my life back. We are never in control….God is, and at the same time, we cannot have our desires influence us. It is good to desire, but it must be controlled. I am not able to do that. I cannot afford to lust. I went 115 days without giving in; then I went 90. That pattern, although it is a vast improvement from my past 11,000 days cannot continue. It is a cycle that must be stopped.

I wrote longer than expected. I think I was clear. I don’t know if I will ever be free from all of this, but I must do everything in my power to let God take care of the rest.

I will be deleting my yahoo and skype account. I know there are many ways still that we can contact each other, and I also know that you will respect my wishes and not contact me. It was always me who initiated.

I thank you so much. I respect you. I wish you the best things in life. I hope you obtain your degree and have success in finding a job and helping people thru it. May you see blessings from your boys, and have a wonderful life.

Thank you, Avrohom

:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 11 Nov 2014 20:30 #243131

  • ZemirosShabbos
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hi duddy
welcome
your situation is indeed difficult. no personal experience here but i know of a case not too long ago where something similar happened. after the fun and games were had the fallout consisted of him losing his job, his house, any respect he had and her losing her marriage, job and respect. truly sad. these were regular, nice frum people who fell to their temptations.
it is simply playing with fire in a fireworks factory. knowing that intellectually won't stop people categorically but it bears reiterating.
keep reaching out.
did you consider talking to a professional?
Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive
~Cordnoy

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
~TZ

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 12 Nov 2014 00:03 #243153

  • reallygettingthere
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Duddy, I kinda know how you feel.

1. There is one woman in my shul who is a serious trigger. I try to stay away from her as much as possible.
2. There was a female neighbor/friend who (without getting into details) "accidentally" touched me while bringing something I had asked to borrow. (it was one of those accidentally test the waters to see if he responds touches). I know what those accidents are. I never went back into her home alone again.

Stay the hell away from her.
Roy in the SA White Book noted that we frequently prayed and it did not work...because the best we could muster was begging G-d to "Please take it away, so I will not have to give it up!

No amount of sobriety can cure the insanity -ChaimCharlie

The emmes hurts but fake chizzuk will hurt more -Bards

Remember, best block, no be there - Mr. Miyagi

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 12 Nov 2014 00:23 #243155

  • gibbor120
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I also have no personal experience with this B"H, but it is VERY serious. Do you have a Rav you can speak to? Many lives are at stake here. GET HELP! You may have to be up front with this lady and tell her that you must cease all contact with her. I don't know. I don't know you or the situation well enough to say. BUT PLEEEEEASE GET HELP, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! You cannot "hope" that it goes away. You must DO something, and it may be something drastic, but the alternative is worse!

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 12 Nov 2014 01:51 #243165

  • DuddyM
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thanks every1 for their chizik advice and feeling
just a small update, it Have been now over 2 weeks that i stopped completely any kind of looking, texting, chatting, trying even to to look while driving-passing
feels great
but.....
how long will that last.....

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 12 Nov 2014 01:55 #243166

  • cordnoy
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Today, damn it!
Today!

Stop thinkin' that you need to fix and rectify yourself and your neshamah and all for the rest of your life; leave that to the tzaddikim; just concern yourself with the now, and today's drive home!

Speakin' of home, when you get home, give your wife an extra kiss on da cheek.

I just did!

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 12 Nov 2014 02:04 #243167

  • godhelp
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cordnoy wrote:
Hey Duddy,

The 'strong' ones on the site hinted to me that perhaps I should post this (goodbye letter) for you. i don't have the chutzpah to do that, so i am postin' it for myself:

From way back in January....

Mona,

I must do this.

It cannot continue.

This will not be a long letter, for you know me well…probably even better than I do.

I have labeled myself as an “opportunistic sexaholic.”

When the opportunity rises, I cannot stop myself.

I know what your opinions are regarding porn and masturbation, etc., so there is no need to expound on it.

When we first “met” 15 or 16 months ago, I was completely entrenched in this behavior. It was that way for many years. About seven to eight months ago, I came to two realizations.

1. My life was sick…it was being controlled by outside forces.

2. My marriage could not improve with all the current baggage I was carrying around.

Lately, my behavior has improved, with one exception, and that was you. During our entire “relationship,” you have never pushed me to contact you. You have never tried to convince me to do anything with you. If anything, you tried to help me at times. I valued and respected that in you. I was always the driving force.

It now, however, must come to a screeching halt. I must say goodbye. Not for a month; not for two, but forever. This is strong words that I am writing and I pray that I can keep it. I know that you will respect my wishes. Perhaps I will send an email, text or message. I plead with you….do not reply. I might implore you with several of them…I beg you….please do not respond.

You never were driven by money; you always had a higher value system. I need this to work for my life and for my marriage. I spoke to me wife last week, and I said that my life is even more important than my marriage. What I was saying is that I need to take my life back. We are never in control….God is, and at the same time, we cannot have our desires influence us. It is good to desire, but it must be controlled. I am not able to do that. I cannot afford to lust. I went 115 days without giving in; then I went 90. That pattern, although it is a vast improvement from my past 11,000 days cannot continue. It is a cycle that must be stopped.

I wrote longer than expected. I think I was clear. I don’t know if I will ever be free from all of this, but I must do everything in my power to let God take care of the rest.

I will be deleting my yahoo and skype account. I know there are many ways still that we can contact each other, and I also know that you will respect my wishes and not contact me. It was always me who initiated.

I thank you so much. I respect you. I wish you the best things in life. I hope you obtain your degree and have success in finding a job and helping people thru it. May you see blessings from your boys, and have a wonderful life.

Thank you, Avrohom

:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!



Nice letter cordnoy i could have used it in the good old days

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 12 Nov 2014 02:05 #243168

  • DuddyM
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Note: just to let u know, it is over 2 weeks.
but i take a minute at a time
no other choice

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 12 Nov 2014 02:10 #243171

  • lavi
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keep up the good work!!!
and KOP
i love you all

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 12 Nov 2014 02:12 #243172

  • DuddyM
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easier said then done

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 12 Nov 2014 02:16 #243174

  • lavi
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let me rephrase that:

easier to do, when you get encouraged to,
i love you all

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 12 Nov 2014 02:23 #243175

  • ZemirosShabbos
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Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive
~Cordnoy

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
~TZ

Re: Any1 can relate to me? Issue: Neighbor on my Block 12 Nov 2014 03:49 #243196

  • Dov
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Duddy chaver, you wrote so beautifully. Thanks for sharing your heart here. It's scary, I know.

The question at the basis of this is do you really want to be free of the lust you have for this woman, or is it something that you are just terribly afraid of (for any of the good reasons you mentioned) but still wish you could have and enjoy?

That determination only you can make in your own heart - it means nothing at all if you were to write here in extreme terms how you hate this situation and would rather die than keep lusting after her or how disgusting it all is, or whatever. If you still wish you could play with the fantasy of it, then you will not accept the kind of real help that helps you fully turn your back on it. For inside there is that kol demoma dakoh that is more powerful than all the fire of your seichel - and it will block anything that will jeopardize the precious opportunity for fun that is dreamed about.

Who can give that gift of willingness to us? I believe it is only G-d Who can, not ourselves. And I believe that we only accept it when we have suffered enough. So you may need to suffer a lot more, you may not. Heaven knows I had to suffer plenty to finally become willing to start sobriety!

So two 'eitzos', I prefer to call them observations to share from experience:

1- If you are having sex with your wife and thinking of this woman - even if you are not thinking of her while being sexual but just comparing her to your wife...then I submit to you that you are fantasizing about her more than you may realize. And if you are in any way trying to satisfy yourself with your wife so you do not get tempted by that woman, then you are just giving more power to that lady.

And that is what it is all really about: worship of a person. Women (or men) we sexually gravitate to, are being deified by us in some way. "She has such a nice-looking body in this respect, or smiles at me in such an exciting way, or desires me - that is a powerful thing she has then: lust for me! Being lusted after by a woman makes her sexually powerful indeed...

These women become worshiped by us in a way, and like the Torah says, who you worship, you follow after and try to get a glimpse of again, try to imagine and understand, think about all day. (RaMBa"M says "The mitzvah of ahavas Hashem is done the way a man is crazy about a woman and cannot get her off his mind." Hmmm...interesting.) It's what deveikus is about. Trying to learn Hashem's Torah, know His mind, get a glimpse of Him in any way possible, all the time...sound familiar?

The bottom line is that she is precious to you because she has something you find powerfully important. Otherwise you would not give her the time of day at all. So let's face it. The fantasy you have makes her powerful. Powerful enough to make you think of her day and night, to try to get a look of her face or body, to end up sacrificing and risking so much, and to have so much pain over hanging onto the fantasy...that is called mesiras nefesh when applied to the other G-d - the real one (who is obviously second-rate compared to her right now). That is not criticism, it is just the way it is for us.

With that in mind, there is this:

2 - Pray for her. Not for yourself, but for her.

If you can forget about her, then that is certainly the first and best thing to do. But if you do not succeed and keep ending up in the place you were when you posted first above...then it is time to start honestly davening for her. Davening for what she truly needs, like health, saving from the tzaros of life, money issues, sick children, poor relationship with and poor love of her husband, poor self-image, mental illness (a horrible pain), loss of a child c"v, and the sad and painful things that wait in the future for her, R"l. Daven for Hashem's love (Chesed) for her at all times, for Him to protect her from people like you and from twisted thinking that leads to problems like you are having. Daven to Hashem to please, please give her nachas from her children, health, and only goodness in life till the end of her days.

Please do not make the mistake of davening that Hashem should fix her from being the slut she is, give her yir'as Shomayim, etc, etc. That kind of stuff will pump up any arrogance you have and poison the deal, for your prayer for her will turn into a self-righteousness exercise, c"v. As far as we are concerned, we are probably sicker than the women we lust after are. I know it sounds stupid, but it is true. These people really do not know better and are mostly confused. Our humility and judging l'kaf v'chus go hand-in-hand.

(And BTW, Hashem answers those who pray for others, first! So that's a fringe benefit.)

But the point here is that doing this, cuts her down in your mind to the frail human she really is - like we all are.

If you do this with honesty and from the true depths of your heart for her own benefit (as the mitzvah of v'ohavto l'reiacho kamocha demands of us), then you will see your lust for her diminish incredibly. She will become the normal person she is instead of the lust candy-machine goddess that she is whenever we are obsessed with people like her.

It works.

Hatzlocha giving her up for today. And hatzlocha davening for her if you need to.

All this only works for one day, though.

Love,

Dov
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