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Telling Your Prospective Kallah of Your Addiction
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: Telling Your Prospective Kallah of Your Addiction 2156 Views

Re: Telling Your Prospective Kallah of Your Addiction 29 Jul 2009 22:35 #10150

  • Pintele Yid
Tomim 2B,

It seems that our posts crossed.

I see from your last post that you are a special honest person that wants to do the right thing.

It is not clear to me if you are still engaged in this activity, or you stopped but are afraid that you will resume some time in the future.

As stated by others on this thread, you should get guidance from one of the gedolim and not make any decisions on when or when not to get married solely on your own feelings. This could lead to much aggravation and second guessing later on down the road.

In any event, you have come to the right place and you will have many many choshuver people on this forum pulling for you to succeed. You might not see them, but I"Y"H Rav Nachman, Rav Nosson and all the Amaraim discussing the sugya in Kidushin will soon be dancing at your Chasunah

Pintele Yid
Last Edit: by eladez10.

Re: Telling Your Prospective Kallah of Your Addiction 29 Jul 2009 22:54 #10151

  • Tomim2B
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Last Edit: 08 Jan 2010 12:00 by .

Re: Telling Your Prospective Kallah of Your Addiction 30 Jul 2009 17:30 #10178

  • kutan
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Tomim2B wrote on 29 Jul 2009 22:54:



Call it an addiction; call it whatever you want. I call it "yetzer hara".

Labeling myself as an "addict" - "once an addict, always an addict", (aside from it being a controversial topic in and of itself, it) doesn't help my self esteem. I think a more powerful approach (and less degrading of a person's morale) is, I'm a person with a strong yetzer hara, one that I've fed for a long time, so much so, that he can even overpower me at times. I must never divert my attention from him, lest he make attempts to gain back his power.

At the very core, I don't think I'm saying anything different than what the SAs will tell you. I think that putting it in these words is healthier though.

"Al taamin b'atzmecha ad yom motcha" is not specifically talking about addicts. It's talking about all people who have a yetzer hara.


Tamim,
you can try and see what works, but for me, what the site taught me was that I was fighting wrong.
The AA/SA mehalich is to reinvent the person, again, this time as a mentch.
Listen, by the standards of the goyim I was definitely not an addict... but I could not shake off the negative behaviour for any good length of time. One month, two months, three months, but then it was back.

Here I've learnt to fight differently, to pre-empt the fight by retraining myself not to lust. The results are wonderful. There IS no fight. I just need to keep working on the retraining. But I've moved the battle to another sphere. One that is much more pleasant, and actually rewarding and enjoyable.

Tamim, this thing is a process. Don't try to come to any absolute conclusions along the way. Stay honest with yourself, and stay in touch with the amazing people here.

kutan
Rashi, Breishis (10:25)
Last Edit: by restart.

Re: Telling Your Prospective Kallah of Your Addiction 31 Jul 2009 20:55 #10315

  • Kedusha
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Tomim,

Before the Internet, many of us would look at pornographic magazines (or other Pritzus, such as catalogs) and act out.  Then we went to Eretz Yisrael (or elsewhere) to learn, and became B'nei Torah, although we may have still had occasional slips and falls.

Did it ever happen that someone in this category said to his Kallah before marriage: "I used to look at pictures of immodest women and masturbate"?  I doubt it happened even once.  Your Kallah may have been careless about speaking Lashon Harah, before starting to be careful.  Does she tell you that?  There, I can hear it, but many would not.

I agree that Rabbi Twerski is talking about bonafide addictions, be they to pornography, alcohol, drugs, etc.  He is not talking about cases where use of the word addiction is debatable.  That said, you are absolutely right to want to get this fully under control before getting married.  Doing so will help your marriage in countless ways.


Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
Last Edit: by RebbiAkiva1.

Re: Telling Your Prospective Kallah of Your Addiction 31 Jul 2009 21:12 #10316

  • Tomim2B
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Last Edit: 08 Jan 2010 13:07 by .
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