Being "Good" or Being with Hashem?
Someone writes on the forum:
It has been almost 7 weeks now, & I just don't have any more strength, desire or interest to stay clean. I just want to give it all up. Can you please stop me? Please reply only if you have something wise to say.
Are you asking for something wise, or something helpful?
This may not sound very wise to you, but I'm not as stupid as I used to be, so here goes:
You say "it has been 7 weeks now". May I ask, 7 weeks of what?
Of freedom from being a slave to your lust?
Or seven weeks of being "good"?
If it's been a bit of freedom, why wouldn't it be at least somewhat enjoyable?
Wherefore all the misery?
If it's the second (and that's my guess) then I don't blame you at all for being sick of it, but also have little sympathy. Been there, done that.
Admitted, I do not know you and whether or not your life is basically being screwed up by the lust that you do not successfully control, but here's my pitch:
For an addict, trying to avoid or overpower their drug in order to "be good"- is just another silly recipe for disaster. What gives us the idea that we can beat it now?
Usually, I maintained the struggle just to keep lust in my life. Because when actually faced with the option to give it up, I found myself absolutely terrified! Besides, struggling with "evil" is exactly how we became as screwed up as we are! An addict does not win, and the struggle invariably becomes a dance. We are not supposed to dance with arayos, are we? The way the AA's put it was this: "My very best thinking is what brought me here". Uh oh
So, if you make up your own mind that you are tired of failing at being "good" and are ready to give-up beating your head into a wall and feeling sorry for yourself about the severe headache, we may then have something to talk about. It may even be wise. For in my experience, Recovery is about Freedom and being with Hashem, not about our own strength and our own goodness. For an addict, that's just more foolishness.
And that's where the steps begin.