I thought it would never stop, everywhere I would go I would find ways and I would lose all shame. Even once after a stretch of being clean, I was in a hotel with the wife on vacation and I used the hotel computer to watch porn. Well now, I am something like 100 days clean - I made a kabbala/deal with a friend of mine that if I fall within 90 days I will give him 1000 dollars. So it worked. I can't say I had no slips but my quality of life jumped - not right away - but after like 60 days, my mind got this setting that was like 'okay, we're not struggling anymore - it's over baby!' Since I hit 90 days I be cruzin'! I hope it lasts. I still get hit with lust and tests and try not to look a second time or a third or a fourth or minimize - but I have already been in places with an open internet and the thought didn't enter my mind. What helped me most of all: Hashem and a couple of friends on this great site; a lot of keeping busy; and music. But the main thing is that I used to think I have to constantly be in attack mode but now I realize once lust attacks, I am way too weak to conquer alone - so I worked on constantly being on focus - calling people, emailing people, and got close to some amazing people. Then 2 weeks ago, I had my hardest test ever: I am clean for like 80 days or so and ..... Youtube was open on my laptop for a few minutes and I started watching some 1970's movie with nudity and in the middle I found the strength to call a friend because my focus was so strong! I just started dialing and he saved me so here I am today. |