E-Mail Subject: The Three-Second Rule
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1926  
In Today's Issue
Editor’s Note: Full articles
Practical Tips: The Three Second Rule
Links: Rav Elefant on the Last Battle
Attitude & Perspective: Helping or Enabling?
Attitude & Perspective: You can't be embarrassed of getting well
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Editor’s Note
Full articles

Dear Chevra!

Just a quick reminder that if your electronic device does not allow you to click through to our website, you can read the full articles by replying to our emails and requesting the article in question to be emailed to you in full.

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Best wishes for continued sobriety,


Practical Tips
The Three Second Rule
By Kedusha

The "Three-Second Rule:" If you see something inappropriate, implement the "three-second rule." Doing so involves three steps: alert, avert, and affirm. The first step is to realize that you're seeing something inappropriate. That's the "alert" stage, and it may take a second or two. The second step is to close your eyes or look away. That's the "avert" stage. These two steps should take place within [about] three seconds. The third step is to give yourself a mental "pat on the back" thinking something like, "I saw that by mistake, and I quickly looked away. I'm still clean and, b'Ezras Hashem, I'm going to build on that, one day at a time." That's the "affirm" stage.

Adhering to the three-second rule appears to be fully consistent with what the Halacha requires, and will also prevent any "slips" within rule #8 of the GYE Wall of Honor Rules. This is crucial because as addicts, it's often the first slip that does us in ("just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip").

This "rule" has got to make it into the next edition of the GYE Handbook. I've been on a high since I heard it.

Many times, people on the forum say things like, "I looked away, but maybe I waited a drop longer than I had to". Then the Yetzer Hara makes this poor soul feel guilty when he's done nothing wrong at all, and that can lead to slips and falls, c"v. The "three-second rule" recognizes that it may take a second or two to realize that something is amiss, and only then are you expected to look away.

Rav Elefant on the Last Battle
Attitude & Perspective
Helping or Enabling?
By Feuerman, Chaya LCSW-R

Is It Helping or Enabling?

  • You see a disheveled person asking for tzedakka: Is he an alcoholic or drug addict, or just a person down on his luck and in need of a helping hand?

  • Your friend asks you to help him find a job, but to tell the truth, you don’t think your friend is responsible or reliable. Do you offer assistance blindly or do you candidly tell him why you think he doesn’t have the right attitude for successful employment?

  • A young woman whom you know is in conflict with her family asks if she can live by you: Are you offering appropriate kindness or are you enabling her to rebel against her family and sustain a feud?

Sometimes, it is hard to know whether you are doing a chessed, or you are enabling dysfunctional or maladaptive behavior. There are certain people who use others’ kindness from family or friends as a way to avoid dealing with their problems instead of genuine help to move forward. In the addiction lexicon, that is known as enabling instead of helping and it can be a draining and painful experience. Addicts, and sometimes others who are in denial about their problems, need to “hit bottom” before they can utilize help properly.

The myriad requirements of chessed in the Torah do not seem to attach qualifications to them. In fact, ...

Read article
Attitude & Perspective
You can't be embarrassed of getting well
By GYE Member

I heard someone mention that he would be embarrassed for anyone to find out about his history even if he would be clean for many years. This attitude makes one refrain from joining live groups and in turn, can push off the real recovery. How can we overcome this feeling of embarrassment?

Read more
Do you think you may have a porn addiction?

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

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