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90 days free of porn watching has arrived. No sense of pride at all, just a deep sense of thanks to GYE for not rejecting me and an infinitely deeper sense of thanks to Ribono shel Olom that there is a way out. HaBo LeTaher Mesayin Lo - since joining GYE, I have often thought that HaBo is the important word - it doesn't say HoRotzeh LeTaher - it is not enough just to want to be clean, we have to do something, show we want to be better. In our case we have all joined GYE, we have made the move, and in return, Ribono shel Olom has given and is giving us the help that only He can. It is the first time in 5 years I have stayed off porn for 90 days. It hurts to write this sentence, to recall the constant sense of shame and self-revulsion at davening the next morning, the fear that my wife or kids would find out - you know it all.
But here we are, all helping to bear each others load, all suffering and rejoicing with each other through the bad times and the good, and that is why GYE is such a wonderful organization with such wonderful people who write such wonderful comforting things which help to drag us up from the rubbish heap. We are all in this together. I feel now that till I joined GYE, I was walking along the edge of a cliff - and constantly falling over the edge. Now there is somebody on my other side, who is stopping me from falling and who I know will catch me if I do. The struggle has not abated, but it has become more manageable. Till now, once the lust had me in its grip, there was nothing I could do - totally helpless to keep away from the screen. I sickened myself - and yet I went ahead watching, powerless to stop. All the while outwardly keeping up appearances...
Now, I think of you guys struggling like me, I think of my GYE homepage and clicking the number of days 'still clean' - and I think I can't just give in and go back to where I was - in the gutter - and somehow I have the strength for that minute not to click the mouse!
May HaShem help ALL OF US in our daily struggle! |
Still Clean
