Dear R’ Yaakov,

Many times I picked up my pen to write to you yet dropped it again and again. I felt no words can do justice and adequately express how Dov and his Desperado's call greatly contributed to my newfound joy and serenity. However, I felt that many can benefit from my experience so I will try my best to write it shortly.

I was a lust addict for over 10 years, all while having a wonderful wife and a precious family. All those years I was living in total oblivion, constantly acting out and driving myself and those around me nuts. I was living a double life, looking at porn and masturbating on one side, and on the other side I was davening, learning, doing large amounts of chesed, and even giving a gemara shiur for a large group of yungerleit. Oh! my life was a total mess, and suffering from my addiction was no picnic.

A few years ago I found GYE, and started the 90 day wall-of-honor with high hopes that finally something will save me from my deep porn struggle. It did help me for just a bit more than 90 days, and then woops! I went right back to my old habit. The only good thing it did do, that it showed me a little more how weak and powerless I was over porn, and my gehinom persisted for another few years.

After a little while and a few more slips, I found my lifeline, which for me is the only true way to recovery, I began working the Twelve Steps. As you know, the journey of healing is a tough ride, especially in the beginning. There is lots of confusion and inner pain, almost like doing a surgery on a deep open wound. At times I was totally lost, until I came upon my dear R’ Dov, through your website. I contacted him, and with his dedication, selflessness, and passion to help people he saved the day. His unparalleled wisdom, knowledge, and experience of years of sobriety were a fountain from which I drew comfort and courage. He always listened to me with an open heart, and offered the right advice. Speaking to R’ Dov was so enlightening, that I felt I had nothing to lose and only to gain by joining Dov's Desperados 12 steps teleconference, so a few months later I did.

It's now more than a year of sobriety, and I was fortunate to receive a new lease on life. I know that I was zocha to all this through Hashem and his special emissaries, most notably R’ Dov.

The purpose of my email today is to tell you R’ Yaakov, that this teleconference is for me like a life jacket in the stormy ocean of recovery. I never missed a call in the last few months, and witnessed many addicts being truly helped by this call. I look at it, as a holy group of yidden that their only goal is to live a healthy and normal life. I would highly recommend, for any addict, who is truly working the steps, to participate on the amazing teleconference. it will surely be a tremendous help for them like it is a help for me.

I'll finish my words with gratitude to Hashem my higher power, for removing much of the darkness and misery out of my wonderful life. The program gave me the opportunity to be able to feel and connect to the true lite in my life, my loving father in heaven who takes such good care of me. For the first time I am now an honest good person to my wife, children, parents, co workers, and to myself with a new bright meaningful life ahead of me.

This journey has taken me through a number of different stages in how I view my wife’s struggle, how much I’m involved, and how I feel about myself because of it.

Stage one was the hardest. I felt bad for myself for being stuck with someone that is “lower” than me. I felt abandoned, cheated, and betrayed. I just didn’t want her problem to exist and as a result, at times I didn’t want her to exist!

Stage two was the acceptance that we are soulmates, with all her problems, she’s a good person, and because of this, her problems are really our problems.

This gave our marriage a whole new freshness. I felt lucky to be married to her, she finally became completely open with me, and we finally started to become one.

Stage three happened once I realized that our being one and me accepting her problems as ours will not make them disappear. When I realized that she’s still struggling and there’s nothing I can do to make these problems go away, I had to find new tools to help me cope.

And here it is: Even though I’ve accepted my wife’s struggle as our struggle, after 120 years, they won’t hold me accountable for her porn. They will, however, ask me if I supported her the way I should have.

Realizing that we’re married and can be one, even though we’re on very different levels regarding these things, and that doesn’t make me any less of a person, regardless of how much progress she does or doesn’t make. I guess I didn’t realize until now how much my self-worth was hurt by her struggle.

In other words, stage one is that her problem is my problem. Stage two is that it’s our problem, and stage three is that we can still be one and I can support her without it being my problem.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.