Building Integrity
 
 
  Breaking free chizuk #1880  
 
 
In Today's Issue
   
Announcements: Emunah from the Inside Out
Chizuk: Shmiras Einayim for Moshiach
12 Step Attitude: Guest Speaker on Duvid Chaim's Call - R' D. Aaron
Daily Dose of Dov: Integrity
 
 
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Announcements
 
Emunah from the Inside Out
 

What Drives Compulsion?
Addictions & Emuna From the Inside Out
Two-part fascinating workshop/shiur Mon. June 25 and July 2

Join us to learn how a new relationship with stress, fear, highs, and lows supports unconditional calm and resilience.

One thing that drives compulsion is the desire for relief from chronic distress: it's a helpful escape. But what if a person wasn't frightened by distressing thoughts? If he saw them as weather passing thru - that required no escape, that pass on their own?

This is possible through an understanding of Emunah from the Inside Out.

Despite the perception that all kinds of people, circumstances, and events gladden, sadden, and pressure us, there is only and always one cause and one moment sourcing our experience: HKBH, right now.

Join this fascinating two-part series with Rabbi Henry Harris, Founder/Director of the Jewish Center for Wellbeing, respected counselor and speaker, and former Educational Director of Aish HaTorah NY.

Short video samples: https://www.jewishcenterforwellbeing.com/spark.html

When: 12-1:15pm EST, Mondays June 25 & July 2

Live Teleconference: 515-604-9988, code 100167#

Cost: Free

From Israel: 055-966-1090, 100167#

From England: 0330 998 1256, 100167#

Chizuk
 
Shmiras Einayim for Moshiach
 
By GYE

HaRav HaMekubal Yosef Shabtei Shani says that one of the key tools for Klal Yisrael to bring Mashiach and build the third and final Beit Hamikdash is Shemirat HaEnayim, guarding our eyes. A person should think: "My eyes are wondrous tools. They are windows to my thoughts, the hands of my mind. I must protect them from harmful sights. I must guard them from evil, I dare not misuse them. Daily, I commit myself to the Torah's command: 'Do not wander after your hearts and your eyes' (Bamidbar 15:39). Daily, I promise to use my eyes for the heavenly, for the holy, for the lofty. My eyes are a gift, and I respect the One who gave them to me. I use His gifts as He wants me to use them.”

Once our eyes have seen something, it is very hard to get that image out of our heads. Many might ask, "Who cares what's in my head, as long as I don't do anything". This is a flawed way of thinking, for Chazal teach us that where a person's mind is, that is where he really is. The author of the Sefer Da Et Atzmecha explains that a person is a combination of both soul and body. The soul is a person's essence and the body is a garment to it. A person's body might be in New York, but his mind - in Israel. Then he is essentially in Israel, even though his body is standing in New York.

The Chidah writes in the name of his grandfather the Chesed L'Avraham that it is possible for a Minyan to omit Tachanun on grounds of a Brit, even though no Brit will happen in that Shul, or even in that city. Neither the father or Sandak are in the Minyan, and the Kise Eliyahu is not there either. He explains that if the majority of the people in the Minyan will be attending a Brit that day, all their minds will be on the Brit, and therefore they would not say Tachanun. We see again that where a person's mind is, that is where he is in essence.

If we are careful and make sure that our eyes only see good, then we will always be in a good place, for our minds will only be thinking good thoughts. In the merit of our Shemirat Enayim, may we see the coming of Mashiach Bekarov.

12 Step Attitude
 
Guest Speaker on Duvid Chaim's Call - R' D. Aaron
 
By obormottel

Save the Date!

This Coming Thursday

June 28th at Noon EST

Special Guest Speaker - Rabbi David Aaron

Author, Speaker, Dean, Visionary and Spiritual Educator

On the Guard Your Eyes Conference Call

Celebrating the Real You:

Secrets to Unconditional Self Worth

How can I celebrate myself - when I don't even know who I am?

And how can you expect me to love myself - when I'm living a lie...stuck in such a Chronic and Disruptive Behavior?

Who am I fooling? Where do I turn for hope - for freedom - to find the REAL ME?

Join us to learn the answers to these questions and more

RABBI DAVID AARON has invested over 3 decades delving into life’s biggest question marks and sharing Torah’s transformational wisdom to adults and young adults. He has emerged as the ‘spirituality expert’ simply because he has dared to ask and answer the most difficult questions that all people have and/or struggle with about God’s existence and their own.

Disarmed by Rabbi Aaron's exhilarating undeniable clarity, we dare to look at our deepest assumptions, doubts and fears and challenge our paradigms of belief. Amazingly, we discover that our changing view of God and ourselves gives us access to reserves of personal power we never experienced before.

He is the Founder/Dean of Isralight and Rosh Yeshiva of Orayta, plus author of eight ‘paradigm-shifting’ books. Works include: The Secret Life of God, Living A Joyous Life, Seeing God, Love is My Religion, Soul Powered Prayers, Inviting God In, The God Powered Life and Endless Light.

THE CALL IN NUMBER IS:US - (641) 715-3836 IS - (076) 599-0060 The Participants use access number 637207#

Everyone is invited, men and women and bring your friends and family! There will also be a Q&A period for you to ask your questions.

And please send us your questions in advance.

Looking forward

Duvid Chaim & Miriam

Daily Dose of Dov
 
Integrity
 
By Dov

Dear Dov,

What are some things we can do to build integrity into our lives? Sometimes there seems to be some in one area, but less in another.

-Looking for Integrity

Dear Looking,

There are many ways of bringing Integrity into our lives but I believe that all of them are basically neutralized when done in private. The blessing of GYE is that the technology allows us to do all this work in private safety... and that is its curse, too. For most of us, nay, all of us, our sexual deviations and related behaviors developed in the setting of complete privacy.

Correct?

How many people are aware of our repetitive lust rituals? Few to none.

Nearly every person I've met and spoken to believes with their whole heart that the reason for this secrecy was always shame or fear of getting into some sort of trouble if anyone would find out what we were doing. But it eventually becomes clear that this is not the entire truth. At some point in most people's recovery from this stuff, they realize that at least 50% of their motivation for keeping it all private has been: protection of access to our lust. We tell ourselves that we need to keep it private because of how horrible we feel about it, but the truth is that it we are hiding it because it is simply too precious for us to risk ruining it by exposure to anyone.

So we come on GYE expecting that finally exposing it to "Gingerbread man" or "TeshuvahGemurah613!" will change anything in the long run. Of course, it doesn't produce any real change because we have taken great pains in the admission itself to keep our full access to every aspect of our treasure protected. Nobody who really knows us has a clue and anyone who does know the facts is forever just a 'delete' button click away from Oblivion. Hidden behind our computers using our fake names, we remain in our private little Ivory Towers, and the floors are still sticky.

I know this because I chose to live that way for many years, myself. So all I have for all the suffering people who choose to still live that way, is understanding and pity.

You asked how a person can bring Integrity into their lives and were wise to expand it and write, "Sometimes there seems to be some in one area, but less in another."

I think you're hitting the key to success: integrity does not exist in a vacuum. It's either present in every aspect of our lives, or it's not really present at all. It only integrity when it permeates us as a value, not when we see it as a tool to be used when necessary or 'appropriate'. Oh, how it hurt my wife when she came to realize that in the first 11 years of our marriage my 'openness' with her was actually on a need-to-know basis, all along! Whenever I deemed it was best for her not to know, I made sure she wouldn't find out what I was doing. That's just not a marriage. I have met many people who are very kind and caring with one person but cold and calculating with many others. It's very common, actually. And we rationalize it with verses like: "im chosid - tis'chasod, v'im ikeish - tispatol", and others. That's the Mida of Gevurah - measuring, boundaries, limiting and defining our giving. But it just doesn't work as a basis for most relationships. And it kills integrity when the motivation behind that false Gevurah is the protection of our treasure. It also kills our chances for serenity when we need to keep in mind whatever we said yesterday to make sure it fits with today's alibis. I lived like that for a decade of marriage and hated it. But I had to protect my precious treasure of full, unobstructed access to sex and fantasy-fun. What else could I do? There was no way I could afford the high price of true integrity: transparency!

So my suggestion is to increase the sphere of honest relationships in our lives by opening up more and more honestly to more people. While it's true that I can admit everything about everything to my Program friends, it would be foolish to do the same with most of my coworkers and friends in shul! But that doesn't diminish from the power of the full openness I do have in my life because there are still real people I know face to face from whom I hide nothing. The wall of secrecy has to crack. But there's a balance here. Foolishness and prudence still exist. But I have come to believe that most of what I thought was prudence in the past, was just fear and shame...not my best 'friends'.

I believe things must start with a kernel of full disclosure and transparency to someone. And it needs to be someone real, not someone hiding behind a username, who we only open up to because they can't possibly figure out who we are. An openness that is predicated upon protection from the very person we are opening up to, is not openness, at all. Real vulnerability and real growth go hand in hand. I understand fully that the GYE forum can never be a safe venue for transparency and openness. It's completely unsafe because it's completely public. It's the very opposite of a face-to-face SA meeting, where walking in without a bag over your head is the ultimate price. See how we would all rather die than walk into a real meeting as ourselves! But posting - or reading others posts - on the Forum is free of any cost of any kind. That indeed makes it way too dangerous as a venue for the kind of opening up that I am talking about here.

So I suggest you cultivate all the real relationships in which you can open up some more. And that you try to create relationships with real, safe people to whom you can open up completely even though you aren't protected from each other. Opening up to another person will open them up to you more than anything else can. This was Dr. Bob and Bill W's secret weapon. They could never have done what they did over the phone...and certainly would have gotten nowhere at all hiding from each other behind usernames! And millions benefitted from what they did. So can you. Comfort has certainly not been our best friend along the trip behind us.

I am not suggesting you are an addict, and I'm certainly not writing to suggest you pursue 12 Steps or any kind of Recovery group. I don't know you or your situation. All I'm suggesting is that you take a page from their book and learn how to use it in your own life and in your own way. There's a lot normal people can learn from us, fortunately, recovering addicts, b"H.

Hatzlocha!

Do you think you may have a porn addiction?
 

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

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