Precious Real Estate
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1861  
In Today's Issue
Torah: Coveting that which we don't have
Announcements: Porn Anonymous Newsletter Subscription
Daily Dose of Dov: Lust Doesn't Deserve Real Estate in My Brain
Text: Shedding Light on the Gay Issue
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Coveting that which we don't have

From this article about Rabbi Levin Zatza"l

Rav Levin’s rebbi, Rav Doniel, once asked, “Is man jealous of the wings of an eagle?” As the question sunk in, he responded, “No. Man is not jealous of wings. In fact, if a person would grow wings, he would be a baal mum; there would be something aberrant about him.” Wings belong on birds, not on people. “The same,” Reb Doniel explained, “would be the case if a person receives anything that which he is jealous of. He would also become a baal mum. If he really needed that which he covets, Hashem would provide it for him. Since he doesn’t have it, that is a sign that he doesn’t need it. Everything extra is a mum.”

Imagine if we lived like that. Imagine if we had the strength and belief to live that way. We would be so much happier and calmer. That is the life of a Kelmer, of a baal mussar, of a ben Torah.

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Since the launch of PA, over 10 live groups opened in Israel, and in the past few weeks, additional groups started in the US (in Monsey and Brooklyn).

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Daily Dose of Dov
Lust Doesn't Deserve Real Estate in My Brain
By Dov

A few suggestions based solely on what works for me and others I know:

1- Am I more ashamed of the truth about myself than I am of messing up? Or am I really ready to get the help I really need to give it up? What is more important to me: holding onto my shame and pride - or my sobriety? So....

Having a few understanding and safe people to call when I feel a temptation is essential. I have a list of about 30. They are all in serious recovery and I can call someone any time and just say something like, "I was sober as heck 5 minutes ago, and just finished giving a chaburah on hilchos Shabbos.......and yet right now, after seeing a very beautiful woman at the supermarket, it brought back memories for me and all I really want to do right now is go to a shmutz website as soon as I get home, and be mz"l a few times." And they will not spend a second trying to convince me to stop! Cuz they know that'd be silly - they can't keep themselves sober, so how would they have the power to keep me sober?! They know they are sober because they have recruited G-d's help to surrender their right to lust, use fantasy, and act on it. And they know that being open and honest about it is the key that opens that door. We might daven together, or separately, or just talk till I get back to reality. Then we might end up laughing hard at how crazy we can get! This has happened to me dozens of times, be"H, and it is wonderful.

We are only as sick as our secrets.

2- Talking to Hashem about exactly what I feel like doing is essential. Am I even too ashamed to be honest before Him? True, it is not nearly as powerful as being open with a person, but if I am not open with Him, what hope is there that any of my t'fillos are going to be sincere and really 'me'? Zero, I think. So I talk to Him freely and fully, all day long.

It used to be that if you saw a guy walking in the street and yakking loudly, you knew he was cracked. But in the age of bluetooth, we can all walk around anywhere schmoozing with our Best Eternal Friend with no concern of a chillul Hashem, or any shame at all! Ha! (Within bounds of reason, of course...)

3- My life in recovery boils down to one thing: Practicing focusing on living a really useful and fun life, rather than living locked in a wrestling embrace with lust - even l'Shem Shomayim! Fighting it all the time is almost as stupid a derech as giving-in to it is! Really. It is not a 'life' - just something that looks a lot like 'living'. For me it was a very insane - but frum - life....and slowly dying (and torture for my poor wife and kids). Hashem has no better way for us? The misery we all know, living in that hopeless torturous that the best Hashem has to offer His beloved child?

Giving the entire mess to Hashem to save me from it rather than keeping it (to 'win'), is the derech I was m'kabel from my sponsor and recovery buddies. Learning how to admit squarely in the mirror and to another person that I am not normal nor healthy, but abnormal and subject to lusting, lying, and losing control of myself - once I take the first little drink. And that I do not naturally possess the power to stay away from even the first drink. Then giving my life - not just my lust issue, but my entire life for that day - to Hashem as best I can. And then going out and living!

Neither lust - nor the struggle against it - deserve real estate in my brain! That tangled obsession has twisted me up enough already! And paradoxically, the way to make that happen is by admitting the full truth about myself and keeping that awareness. It works for me.

Shedding Light on the Gay Issue
Part 7/9
By Sorotzkin, Dr. Benzion

Same-Sex Attraction: Clinical Observations

I would like to share some clinical insights gleaned from psychotherapy with patients struggling with same-sex attraction. These observations highlight the importance of understanding the specific psychological meaning of symptoms and the necessity of resolving problems regarding the patient’s sense of self before attending to gender identity issues.


David was a 26-year-old single, religious male struggling with same-sex attraction. David’s father was critical and rejecting and his mother was over-involved. David was also expected to mold himself in a matter that met his parent’s unmet emotional needs rather than have his parents adjust themselves to meet his unique developmental needs (Broucek, 1991; Miller, 1996).

During one session David expressed amazement that his friend Samuel had to struggle not to lust after pretty women. The cause for David’s amazement wasn’t that someone could lust after women. Rather it was the fact that Samuel was not particularly good looking. “What makes him think that a pretty woman would ever agree to be intimate with him!?” he wondered. This amazement reflected the superficial nature of the attitudes and relationships in David’s family. There was neither emotional depth nor an appreciation of the multifaceted nature of human motivations, needs and emotions. In such an atmosphere, the idea that someone might very well like you for internal, non-superficial reasons, such as personality, character, sense of humor etc. seemed impossible. (David’s mother once reacted to my suggestion that her daughter sounded depressed by showing me a picture of her daughter. “How can she be depressed? She’s beautiful!”) Likewise, growing up in a very critical family makes it very difficult to imagine that someone would overlook minor flaws because of their appreciation of other qualities.

Not surprisingly, David’s ideas regarding attraction to others were also totally superficial. In spite of being intelligent, knowledgeable and articulate, years of criticism and rejection by his father made it difficult for him to believe that anyone would be interested in him for anything other than his body. (As a result he became extremely anxious over the earliest signs of thinning hair.)

David couldn’t lust after females, but not because he inherently wasn’t capable of desiring females. Rather, it was because he couldn’t imagine them desiring him. The source of this belief wasn’t, at its root, gender related. In fact, as a result of his father’s lack of interest in him (as a separate individual) it was difficult for him to believe that anyone would be interested in him. However, since he had some same-sex sexual experiences in high school, he could imagine males being interested in his body.

Another interesting feature in David’s same-sex attraction was the underlying motivation for his sexual interest in males. What “turned him on” was the fact that he could get them to desire him, rather than his desire for them. (The sexual component was necessary because he needed concrete evidence of their interest in him.) For someone who never felt cared for by his parents, being desired for any reason could be quite a powerful experience.

A related feature of his attraction was that he was primarily interested in males whom he perceived to be (based on their external appearance) very religiously devout. The subconscious reasoning went as follows: This very religious person obviously has no sexual desires (!). If he, none-the-less, is willing to have a sexual relationship with me, it must be that he really cares about me. The fact that, in David’s imagination, someone was more concerned with his (David’s) needs than his own was in sharp contrast with his experience with his parents.

At times David found himself attracted to low status, disheveled looking males. This surprised him, especially since he was so focused on external appearances. Further exploration revealed that when David was feeling particularly unlovable, he would be convinced that a high status, good-looking person would never take an interest in him. He would then have to settle for an object of interest that he considered a “safe bet.” The primary purpose of David’s sexual acting out was to feel wanted by someone – a feeling he was sorely lacking. The enhancing of his masculine identity was secondary.

To be continued...
Do you think you may have a porn addiction?

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit (Hebrew: / Yiddish:

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit

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