E-Mail Subject: Cure for a family disease
 
 
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1266  
 
 
In Today's Issue
   
Editor’s Note: Recovery plan must be a personal thing.
Image of the Day
Sayings: Emotions
Torah: Whatcha Lookin' at, Man??
Daily Dose of Dov: Yetzer Hara or Illness?
Links: A shiur for spouses of addicts
Announcements: Free Hard Copy of GYE Handbook
 
 
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Editor’s Note
 
Recovery plan must be a personal thing.

An addict has to come up with their own safety plan and not have it given to them. For example, addicts in early recovery will need to be taught how to take responsibility to keep themselves safe. An example of a safety plan of one of my clients would look something like this: before I get on any computer, I will make sure it has filters; if it doesn’t have filters I won’t use it. I will get out of bed immediately in the morning when the alarm goes off, because if I don’t, my mind will wander and my desire to act out will increase. I will delete my Facebook account, because when I get on Facebook, I start to look at other people’s pages hoping that I will see an inappropriate picture. I find that spouses/parents often burden themselves by creating a safety plan or offering suggestions for a safety plan for the addict. It is a powerful and necessary part of an addict’s recovery to begin to take responsibility for their own behavior and be accountable for their actions. A good question to see how committed an addict is to a life of recovery is, “Are you following the safety plan you created for yourself?”

Other ideas for a personal recovery plan for a GYE member might include:

1. Share on the forum.

2. Call someone on the Phone Partner list

3. Call my sponsor

4. Read GYE articles

5. Call-in to a phone conference.

6. Write in a Journal

7. Pray or meditate

8. Bo of service to others

9. Participate in sober activities

10. Write a gratitude list

11. Exercise

12. Nap or Snack.

Got more suggestions? Share it with others. Email us.

Image of the Day
 
Sayings
 
In addiction recovery, a sure sign a person is making progress is the re-emergence of the emotional life. Let yourself feel!
 
Torah
 
Whatcha Lookin' at, Man??
 
By Bardichev

This week's Parsha tells the story of the personal destruction of Korach.

Korach, as we all know, was no small street fighter; he was a Gadol of great proportions.

So for me and my little American head to say "pshat" in Korach is almost silly.

But the Torah and chaza"l want us to "learn" from Korach. So what can we learn?

Rashi says that Korach was a pike'ach - a smart man; why did he choose this stupidity?

Read article
Daily Dose of Dov
 
Yetzer Hara or Illness?
 
Part 2/2
 
By Dov

Are Hashem's hands ever tied Chas veshalom that He can't be in love with us? I believe that it is our Yetzer Hara that tells us: "Hashem only really loves me when I am good (if He loves me at all), and even then, only after I do some Teshuva".

These are normal sentiments, particularly for us frum Yidden who have been taught the standards that Hashem wants us to live up to, for our own benefit. But they are poison, and for me, they were a convenient cop-out actually, which led me only to a downward spiral and to a more unrealistic understanding of Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

You wrote:

"I regret that I have lost yet another streak. I do not know if I should stay on the list or chart, as I can't seem to fight any more. How far I have fallen from who I was!"

I'd like to know who fed you the idea that if you only try hard enough you will "beat it". Who told you that you are locked in a mortal combat of wills against lust? Whoever it was, they may want to re-evaluate their thinking, because it seems that you only need to fail a few more times before you have no more ability to fight. And then what? Apparently you will just keep losing, basically giving in to what you call the "Yetzer Hara" completely, no? You sound just as I did, once upon a time. I was sure I'd get better. Later I wasn't so sure. Finally - after medications, psychiatrists, therapists, near-arrest, near-death twice, and near-divorce, I was finally sure that I'd never get better. I drew comfort only from the fact that I'd keep my secret to the grave. Not a life for a nice Jewish boy.

My dear friend Yankle, this is not the way of the program that I am familiar with at all. No, the 12-step program that works for me and others is not for the man who needs help to try harder. It is for the one who is hopelessly lost and realizes he cannot win because there is something wrong with him. He needs an honest and realistic partnership with the G-d he thought he had. (You can read about this in "The Doctor's Opinion" at the beginning of the AA Big Book). The program I know says to this person: There is hope, even for you! Just take these steps. (You can read exactly this, at the start of ch. 5 in the Big Book). Yankle, we are talking about your life here.

You also wrote:

"How can I expect Hashem to be good to me, or even provide good for me, if keep on falling to my yetzer harah and defying Hashem?"

Well, see the above (and the Tomer Devorah) to see that Hashem is big enough to be really, really good - even to you. Please see the Heiligeh Divrei Chayim in Vayishlach on the posuk: "vayikra lo keil, elokei yisroel" to see exactly how Hashem takes "revenge" on people like us! Amazing. (It tells my life story all the way through, BTW!)

Again, if you have a love-affair with this "Yetzer Hara" business, good luck. But if you look honestly inside and decide that it's not a Yetzer Hara issue anymore, but rather that something is wrong with you (you are addicted), then consider reading the first couple of chapters in the big book for Bill's story, and then decide if you are just as hopeless as he was. If you are, then we have an answer that may work for you as it does for us.

And you wrote:

"Instead, I have brought this terrible illness of lust upon myself and I feel that until I break it nothing positive will come to me anymore, as I do not deserve it"

More of the same. Maybe you are at fault for bringing this terrible illness upon yourself, maybe not. I don't know. Kaballah seforim have much to say about proclivities, responsibility, bad levushim from one's parents, etc. It is all a complicated and confusing issue really. But it is also irrelevant. What I do know, is that you are calling it an "illness". To me, that is a worthy of a dance, as it may mean that you feel in some way ill, and that it's not just a Yetzer Hara issue. Now, maybe you'll consider that perhaps you are handicapped and stop beating yourself up over it. I truly hope that you will get the help that ill people like you and I need, instead of doing what I did for over ten years; watching my life go down the drain in a valiant struggle against the Yetzer Hara.

You wrote:

"I want to be able to get a relationship with the Ribono Shel Olam".

Bingo - You hit the nail on the head! If this is what you really want, then you'll be OK. But first recognize the relationship that you already have - as above, and learn how to go from there.

You wrote:

"The loneliness gets to be too much for me. I turn only to Hashem and the handbooks for help."

Again, you are obviously a deep and holy Jew, yet you are still lonely. Now how about connecting a little more than you currently are, with other lust addicts? This forum is a nice start, but being in a LIVE chevra and having a human sponsor/role model was indispensable to me.

I love you!
Dov

Links
 

If you are married to someone who struggles with pornography or any other unhealthy sexually related behaviors, this phone conference led by Rabbi Dr. A. Twerski is for you.

As a spouse or a family member of an addicted person, you need and deserve your own support. Visit GYE resource page for more information.

A shiur for spouses of addicts
Announcements
 
Free Hard Copy of GYE Handbook
 

Prefer a Hard Copy of the GYE Handbook?

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For questions and comments, please contact

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We are looking for donations to help with the printing and distribution of free handbooks for those who need. If you can help, please donate here and specify in the note that you are donating for the free handbooks. Tizke Lemitzvos!



For those of you who have been too afraid to order your FREE copy of the GYE Handbook, I wanted to show you exactly how we send it out.

Often we see notes to the sender which indicate people are very worried about others finding out what’s inside.

(B”H, we should all have that SAME FEAR before Hashem when the Yetzer Hara tempts us!)

The photo is exactly how the package is sent out, in a tamper-proof plain white envelope, with nothing to indicate it came from GYE.

Your address and my address are on the envelope, and that’s it!

ORDER TODAY and start your next steps to kedusha!

Yehuda

Do you think you may have a porn addiction?
 

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

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