When you try to make peace, either for yourself or between two other people, expect setbacks. They are part of the process.

Many people are happy, even excited, to make peace when they see steady progress. Even if progress is slow, they are patient. But when they are faced with setbacks, they easily give up. When you realize that setbacks are an integral part of making progress, you realize that this is just another step that you have to make. It's like climbing a mountain path. The path doesn't always go straight up. At times it goes around the right and at times it goes around the left but the focus is on eventually getting to the destination. And therefore even if part of the path seems to be descending, it is a descent for the sake of ascent. This, too, is getting you closer to where you want to end up.

There is the story of the man who fell off a cliff in the dark and on the way down grasped a branch and hung on for dear life. Weakening, he finally cried out to heaven, "Please help me!" and the answer came, "Let go!" "But if I let go I'll die," the man replied. "Let go!" was all he heard. When finally he could hold on no longer, he did let go, knowing it was the horrible end. To his great surprise, the ground was only a foot below him.

Recovery for a sex and lust addict is not about g'darim, but about sanity. G'darim, and boundaries in general, are indispensable for allowing G-d to give me freedom from lust, but they are not recovery itself. They are only a tool. It's like breathing is to living: Sobriety is like breathing, while recovery is living. Is our goal in life just breathing?

True, for a man coming out of an iron lung, or with terrible asthma, breathing may indeed be the overriding, most prominent goal of his life...but we all hope that this mode will come to an end and that he will eventually be able to appreciate and focus on things like eating, working, having a family, yiddishkeit, you know - living! I work in a hospital and have come to know many sick people who have made the central focus of all their waking moments their own survival. Maybe I'd be like that if I'd be that sick (which I might be), but hope not...

I have seen the same in recovery. Constant focus on g'darim and shunning true growth and living free of the terror of acting-out. And I have seen the same in yiddishkeit, particularly among ba'alei teshuvah (like me). Obsession with a particular struggle, issue, or mitzvah and a sad loss of balance. No grasp of the 'big picture' of living as a Jew. Does anyone know what I mean?

Therefore, what I as a sexaholic need to come to really know is love, instead of lust. Real appropriate love: for other men, for Klal Yisroel, for Hashem - and for my wife.

Real sexuality has very little (or maybe even nothing) to do with lust. It is satisfying - lust is not. It focuses on giving - lust does not. I do not need to do it right now - lust I need. Real sexuality brings simcha and leads to more simcha and unity - lust often brings shame and always leads to more expectation, separation, and pain.

So that is why - as part of my recovery from the tyranny of lust - I try to see intimacy with my wife as a way to appreciate her more as a person. I know that doing that is the only way for me to come to know real love and real sexuality, and become even more free of lust.

It is all about timing. May Hashem help us work on what we are ready for and move mechayil el choyil in recovery and living, one day at a time. Help us experience real loving for a change, by doing it, so that we will come to know that what we accepted before was a counterfeit that we do not need at all any more!

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.