Why Should A Woman Stop?
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1789  
In Today's Issue
Editor’s Note: Letter to the editor
Image of the Day: Don't contribute to their pain!
Q & A: Why Should a Woman Stop?
Links: The Desperadoes Song
Chizuk: Does it get better?
12 Step Attitude: Lust Addiction vs. Alcohol Addiction
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Editor’s Note
Letter to the editor

"Dear GYE Editor,

Why does Dov keep on saying that it is  a secular issue? I agree that knowing that it is an aveira is not enough to stop one from acting out. I also think that he has a very  powerful point when he says that it is a sickness and we need healing and we should view it as such. However, being a human and acting human and with seichel and living life productively and unselfishly and caring about those close to us and not ignoring them etc. are all major commandments and the opposite of those are major sins. Maybe he means that they are not the regular standard sins that we usually consider. But allow me to list a few verses which refer to our issue.

'Hashem did not create the world for naught, He formed it to settle it.' When one takes what Hashem created and uses it for a destructive purpose, he is going against Hashem.

The first “Ani Maamin” states that Hashem does everything. This is based on many (10s if not 100s of) verses in the Torah. When one reacts to a stress by indulging in a forbidden pleasure, he is saying in essence, 'I don’t accept Your running of the world, Hashem.' What one should say according to the Torah is, 'I know, Hashem, that you did this, it’s hard for me, this is a test you have orchestrated for me, I will try to deal with it in the correct way.'

Of course, without Hashem’s help we can’t do it alone and it is therefore a great idea to ask for that help. When we do, Hashem helps!"

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Image of the Day
Don't contribute to their pain!
Don't contribute to their pain!
Q & A
Why Should a Woman Stop?

Pirush by The.Guard :)

The Desperadoes Song

Lyrics: (notes in parentheses below are my pirush) 

There's a moment in this journey that I gave up 

My boots just couldn't walk another mile

And that cloud above me had no silver lining

I couldn't buy a break with my last dime (step 1)

Oh, but when I saw you standing there in the corner (the fellow addict)

I'd have never thought that you would have my back

But then we rolled-in like the thunder and the lighting

Threw some punches, then we had a laugh.

Just some roughed-up Desperadoes

Hanging tough through thick and thin

Kicking up dust wherever we go (ad la'kisei hakavod)

I can see that you and me are gonna be friends

Who'd have thought we'd wind up here together (moderne and chassidish, old and the young)

It's crazy that we're standing side by side

Fightin' just like two birds of a feather (fellow addicts, fighting for our lives)

Whose gonna tell us now that we can't fly? (together we CAN!)

Just some roughed up Desperadoes

Hanging tough through thick and thin

Kicking up  dust wherever we go

I can see that you and me are gonna be friends

To the end, you and me are gonna be friends

Does it get better?
By Yiraishomayim

Let's see. If you're used to not having any amount of significant days of sobriety and now you're accumulating hundreds of days clean, what does that mean? Just like gamblers or drug addicts, after a certain time in the program, they only go to a meeting once a week (instead of every day) - that indicates that after a certain point, less aggressive intervention is needed to continue to be sober. That's exciting. Feel it - believe in it - it's a fact. (Of course, there are exceptions but why should you think that you are not part of the majority?)

That being said, we never graduate from being considered "recovering" to being cured. We always have that hovering upon us.

Do you remember the famous question on why the NACHASH is considered cursed if in reality his nature is changed after the sin and AFAR is his food - now, he need not exert as much effort to get food, there is plenty all over the place? In fact, it sounds like a blessing. Our Chachomim say that the curse is the very fact he has it so easy. He no longer is forced to turn to Hashem to ask for sustenance. The same question is on Eretz Yisroel - why is it considered such a blessed land if, in fact, ample rainfall is never certain? Again, this forces us to turn to the Almighty for assistance. This keeps our relationship current throughout our journey in this world.

My dear friends - as we are all so acutely aware - a fall is always only a step away (by the way - in Pirkei Avos it states a person should never be certain of themselves until the day of death - so this insecurity of perhaps falling applies to all Jews - not only addictive personalities) - but precisely because of the apprehension of a possible failure - our relationship with Hashem must always be current.

Are we not in fact blessed?

12 Step Attitude
Lust Addiction vs. Alcohol Addiction
Lust addiction is not like alcohol addiction, lust is normal!
By Elya

Someone asks on the Forum:

To lust is something very normal, we just over do it. So why are we carbon copying AA and saying "don't lust"? In the SA book, it even mentions complete abstinence. Why? We aren't allergic to lust in a physical way. We just have to learn not to let lust control us. So why all this talk of "the first drink"? To me, this sounds like telling an overeater to stop eating. If our issue really starts after the first drink, then the twelve steps won't help us at all.

Elya Responds:

All "S" groups use the Big Book of AA as their guide. There are two types of addictions,physical addictions (drugs and alcohol) and process addictions (sex, gambling, food, work). We parallel the first drink in AA to the first look of porn or the first look of lust. Who says lust is very normal? We just overdo it. Addicts overdo it. Some people could care less about looking at porn or other women. But we have a mission to fill up an emptiness inside us. Some people do this with alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, food or work. Pick your poison. And because of this, we can exchange books. The principles of powerlessness, prayer, resentments, viduy (5th step), working on our midos, working with others, are all globally applicable. I can show you each step and its corresponding issue in both the Rambam and in Shaarei Teshuva.

We're not saying you cannot have and enjoy sex, as long as it is with your spouse. But just like overeating and drinking too much whiskey will make you fat and drunk and sick, engaging in lust for an addict will progress into more exotic and dangerous situations, if you keep feeding the lust. Also when we substitute being with our wives in true mutual intimacy for lust, it is no different. The lust chemicals take over our brains and we're drunk once again.

Do you think you may have a porn addiction?

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

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