I felt overwhelmed by feelings of unworthiness and fear yesterday, and being at the computer, used the opportunity to write my fears out, clearing my head and pointing out exactly what I am anxious about/fearful of.
The wife and I have been at odds the last couple of days. So as she came up to me when I was writing the post about fears, I closed the window so she wouldn't see what I was writing. This visibly upset her, so I sent her a copy of the post once I finished it.
I was hoping for a) sympathy b) reassurance c) support d) understanding of what I'm going through etc.
Instead, I got nothing at first; nothing, as in no comment, not even an acknowledgment of what I wrote or an acknowledgment of my feelings; and later in the evening, it escalated into another "lash out at Mottel" session, which, in turn, ended up in sleeping in separate rooms etc.
So, as I was going to sleep by myself, and with two babies in the room, one of them in a cast, my fears came crashing down on me. It seemed like a really good idea to escape into fantasy and masturbation. As it is, I spent the whole day lusting, and I saw things on the streets that I should've not, and so forth... (Luckily I surrendered all that by making like a million phone calls earlier in the evening).
A thought occurred to me, based on the readings I've been doing on GYE and elsewhere:
I really don't care what my wife's feelings towards me are.
I can't help them, and I have no bandwidth to affect them without jeopardizing my sobriety and sanity. I can't nor should control her feelings. And since my feelings towards her are not "romantic/puppy love" feelings anyways, what difference does it make if she professes "love" for me or not?
I want to stay sober so I can be present for my kids. I want to stay sober so I don't view myself as a degenerate and a moral failure. I want to stay sober so I can have a relationship with G-d. Married or not, I can still be sober and have all these things.
But if I freak out over my wife's inability to relate to my problems adequately, if I allow her to keep dragging me back into my problems, instead of letting me live in the solution, if I allow her to dump guilt and shame on me ad nausium, I will lose my sobriety, which will lead me to lose my sanity, and then I will surely lose my marriage, my children, my G-d, and myself.
Whether she shapes up or not, I want to stay sober for the rest of my life. If there is a divorce down the road, I am sure that the One who kept me sober yesterday and cared for me and protected me in the past, will do so again, and I will find happiness and serenity eventually. As long as I stay sober.

One of my favorite Torahs is a Breslover Torah. Rebbe Nachman says that often, only AFTER we go through a period of time or a situation do we first see in 'hindsight' and 'retrospect' how all was really for the good. We see how G-d's hand was guiding us all along. This is what Hashem showed to Moshe when He showed him the teffilin knot on the back of the head... i.e. the 'hindsight' view, UP FRONT. In other words, Hashem gave Moshe the ability to see 'li'mafreya', lichatchila, before having to 'go through' a situation.

I've felt this way 1000's of times over the last 6 years (I'm sober since Aug '04). For example, now, I could look at 'stuff' on the internet... But later I'll be home with a family, with myself and with G-d... Will I be able to look my family in the eye and connect to them for real? Will I have something to feel guilty about with my closest loved ones? I BH(!) already see myself two hours from now happy with them, which helps prevent me ruining that happiness in this moment, now. Do I want to feel like garbage then?!

On the train to and from work, is the same. I tell myself that at some point I'm going to get off the train. What will be my memory 'looking back' at my behavior when I was on the train? By seeing myself guilt free and happily exiting the train, it helps me connect to Hashem while I am actually on the train, instead of G-d forbid(!) the opposite.

We get hundreds of letters from Yidden each year, but this one is particularly interesting because it's from a non-Jew and it highlights the impact of GYE in that even someone who doesn't understand much of the GYE terminology was still so effected... He writes:

Greetings,

I am what might be called a "spiritual seeker" in today's world. I was a fully educated and ordained clergyman in a major Christian denomination once… a long time ago. I surrendered my credentials in 1993 because I could no longer live with myself or what I had become as a supposed Christian leader. I have been a porn-addict since about puberty and all the prayers, self-flagellations, and beggings of G-d produced no healing, no relief, no liberation, no nothing. So I said to heck with it all and left. But after all these years, I still can't let go of the person G-d intended me to be.

Here I am still struggling with the same demons. I'm an old man now, but on and off I continue to look for salvation. I can't even remember how I stumbled across it… but when I came across GYE I found more instantaneously powerful wisdom there than I have found in 30 years… and in forms I could mostly understand… EXCEPT for the pervasive jewish/hebrew/yiddishkeit terminology for the illiterate goy that I am.

The insights and strategies I gained from your GYE website have already empowered and helped me tremendously. If your GYE materials were made in a universal language, there are millions of souls desperate for purity and holiness that would be more highly responsive than all we could ever hope or imagine.

I write under my own and real email address and name that you may know I am sincere and respectful beyond sincere. Please be assured, for whatever they are worth, I pray most heartily and fervently for you and your mission… and for the preservation of the Jewish people through thick and thin… as seems to be the case from the beginning of time till now… and until the Moshiach comes.

sincerely,

Jerry

Here's a Testimonial from a man who just went through a 5th Step Call on Duvid Chaim's daily phone conferences.

Hi Duvid Chaim,

Words cannot describe the evening I finished that call. There was a lot I wanted to share, but I was not expecting it, so I just shared what came to mind that second.

When I was dancing myself in that room I forgot to share the most important part of the story: I was NOT dancing with myself! I was dancing with Hashem! Tuesday was my Yom Kippur and Simchas Torah together. We were dancing for the start of a new relationship; a real relationship.

I feel closer to Hashem than ever before.

I'm not perfect and have a lot of work ahead of me. But I' coming to realize that me not being perfect IS perfect.

May all the chevra on the call feel this kind of simcha soon!!!

Here's a Testimonial from a woman who turned to GYE for support and was dealing with a husband who refused to admit he had a problem or needed GYE support:

Dear Miriam, עמו''ש

I just wanted to share the good news that my husband finally joined a group. This is in your zechut -- after hearing you talk about being powerless at a phone call, I started davening that Hashem please take care of him because I can't. And Hashem did make it happen that my husband joined a group which is really something I never dreamed he would do in a million year.

May Hashem bench you with briyut, nachat, hatzlacha, and kol tuv.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.