I'm on the subway heading to work in Manhattan. It's 77 degrees outside, a beautiful blue-sky day. I'm 7 days clean since the last fall and had 15 days clean before that so I'm in a powerful, strong, uplifted mood as if nothing can break me. We've all had that confident feeling before.

I open my uVelechtecha BaDerech app and start saying Tikkun Haklali - day 37 of a 40-day goal! Exciting! If HaShem read the script, a Yeshua must be imminent!

The train stops, my eyes glance upwards. Oh no, am I in a ladies bathroom? What's going on around me? Is it just me or have the shorts gotten shorter than last summer?

I direct my eyes back down towards my iPhone. I click on my Mishnayos bookmark, remembering what I was taught by the Mekubel Reb Dovid Chaim Stern Shlitah, to memorize Mishnayos Baal Peh for Shmiras Einayim. I start thinking Arba Avos Nezikin...

The train stops. A woman sits down next to me - am I in a strip club? Why is she wearing such revealing things! Ugh, it's so offensive to me, my blood boils. But I must stop stressing about everyone else and focus on myself! I look back down and continue, Hashor, Habor, Hamaveh...

Someone collecting money makes an announcement, I look up across the carriage, and suddenly my eyes can't seem to rest! I gaze from one woman to the next, my Yetzer Horah urging me not to stop, providing thoughts I don't want to entertain.

Please HaShem, help me! Why must I suffer like this? I'm trying so hard to guard my eyes, why am I seeing all this nonsense?

I compose myself, eyes back down to the iPhone. I click the Halocho tab and carry on reading where I left off yesterday, Hilchos Netilas Yodayim ...

The train arrives at 14th street, I get off. I climb the stairs, eyes turned downwards trying to avoid seeing anymore shmutz. To my chagrin, I discover that there is what to see down there as well. Am I such a sick human being? Why does that even turn me on or excite me? I'm so ashamed of my thoughts.

I get to the next platform and board the uptown train to my office. I sit down and take out the Garden of Peace from my bag, excited to continue reading more wisdom about how to maintain a kosher marriage and how to be a real man in Judaism. I read one paragraph... and again I am distracted by the endless amusements of the NYC subway. Come on, get a grip. I get up and walk to the doors ready to leave at the next stop.

It's only 8:52 am and I feel drained from the past 50 mins fighting on the front lines. How will I make it through the next 50 mins, never mind the day or week or month of this? My heart pounds and I want to scream and jump. I hate this life, why do I suffer like this every moment? Why is it so difficult to just be a normal person and not struggle?

I regain control of my thoughts and HaShem sends a bolt of strength through me and I realize that everyone fighting in the GYE army is experiencing the same struggle. My mission in this world is to fight this evil and HaShem just wants me to try and fight each battle as they come. Don't feel bad if you lost some battles along the way, there are many victories on the horizon.

I emerge from the station onto 42nd street and I march to work a proud jew, knowing that I am a top general in HaShem's army of GYE fighters.

Announcing the launch of GYE's Annual High-Holiday Campaign

Come before Hashem on Rosh Hashana with a share in the zechus of the Teshuva of thousands of Yidden!

Watch Moshe's Moving Confession

Someone wrote on the forum:

It's been 12 days and I don't even have a desire to sin.

I just decided to stop arguing with people, including my wife, my family, my friends.

If someone disagrees, I smile and stay silent. If I get criticized, I smile, stay silent, and thank Hashem for the beautiful, wonderful, instant Kappara (atonement). For if someone insults you, and you don't respond, all of your sins are forgiven.

Why? Because, you had every right to defend yourself, but you chose to forgo your rights. So too, Midah Kineged Midah, Hashem has every right to punish you for your sins, but Hashem will "follow your example" (kaveyachol) and forgo His rights.

Just get passed the need to control everything, be happy always, and Hashem will make miracles for you!

(For an amazing piece on how this is an atonement, see here from Rav Avraham Galanti - as quoted in the Beis Ahron of Karlin).

Dov responds:

I have no idea whether this will interest you, but you may like to read a selection in the back of "Alcoholics Anonymous" in the Member Stories", called "Dr., Alcoholic, Addict" (in the 4th edition it may be renamed, "Dr., Heal Thyself!"), as it hits on this man's experience with exactly how not arguing with people and with G-d is an indispensable part of his ongoing recovery. He even describes it as part of the recovery itself.

Hatzlocha and thanks so much for what you posted!

Let's cut right to the heart of the matter: We get in trouble if we try to run our own lives.

Our ego starts to mess things up.

We try to control things we can't control. We think we are smarter than we are.

We start to think we can run things just fine by ourselves. What's the end product?

We end up alone – spiritually and sometimes physically – and in trouble.

What we need to do is let the care of our Higher Power run our life.

We can use care as a guide because care is what a Higher Power is all about.

When we put care into action, we get healing love as a result.

So let's put our egos aside and ask our Higher Power to help us do the next right thing.

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, I've made a decision. I am yours to do with as You want. I know that You will guide my life with care.

Today's Action

I will write down one way that I can be caring to others and myself today. Acting from care is acting for my Higher Power.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.