Lust and Marriage
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1716  
In Today's Issue
Video of the Day: The Dream
Member's Chizuk: Marriage is not gonna save you
Announcements: Live Group Meetings
Daily Dose of Dov: His way is getting me well
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Video of the Day

What's left to work on before Moshiach?



The Dream
Member's Chizuk
Marriage is not gonna save you
By GYE Member

Sorry to disappoint you guys who think that getting married is going to solve your problem. I'm 62, married 38 years and only made a genuine attempt to stop masturbating about a year ago. In fact, my problem got much worse after getting married. I did OK for a few months but then fell back to my drug.

Finally, I decided that my life had become so unmanageable that I had to take some drastic measures. I started with attending Dov's bi-weekly conference calls. He also has a bunch of fantastic audios posted on GYE (under kosher isle - Dov's Recovery talks and Dov's 12 steps). I call Dov my "Recovery Rebbe".

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Live Group Meetings

GYE recommends joining the new 12-Step fellowship of Porn Anonymous (PA).

See or

See Rabbi Twerski speaking about the new PA initiative at GYE's recent conference in Jerusalem:

Check out their site for information about existing meetings and about creating new meetings:

Daily Dose of Dov
His way is getting me well
By Dov

When my wife first found out about my addiction, we used to get into fights every Monday night, either before or after my SA meeting - till about 1.5 years when I did my 4th step and my mood and behavior really began to change. Then things really started getting better - she gave the credit to my sponsor (and to sobriety)! I wanted the credit then (sigh)! But it really goes to Hashem working through SA, I believe.

Now, my wife can laugh her head off about how stupid my temptations are (as I believe the temptations in all addictions are), and I can actually laugh with her. After all, honestly feeling that "all I need to be happy right now is a rendezvous with some other woman", is so absurd! It's really just plain stupid. So we can laugh. But that's because the pain is so far away by now... Time heals a lot, as my wife often reminds me.

But inside I know, that as free as I may be today, if I don't take it seriously, there is no doubt that it'll kill me and destroy our family. She probably realizes it too, but it thankfully goes unsaid... Heck, I spent my first couple of years in recovery trying to "get her to see my side", as though it'd really help me a lot. My efforts just drove both of us crazy. With my sponsor's help, I gave that up and accepted total responsibility on myself... B"H for that.

Every case is different though, and I do see how in some marriages, having the wife "understand" the nature of the addiction can be helpful. Actually, my wife understands quite a bit. She just doesn't understand how smart it can seem to me when I'm messed up! (In other words, - although acting on lust is probably the very stupidest thing I can ever do in any situation and makes life's troubles worse, never better, I remember that whenever I have ever wanted to act out, it seemed like the most important thing for me to do at that moment. I really seem to need it. And if I really feel I need it, then it must mean that at some level I believe it is in my very best interest, no?). If my wife really knew how powerful lust can be in my brain, she'd realize that even she is totally powerless over it and freak out, I guess. If she really understood the risk from the inside of me, she'd probably react out of fear and try to be very sexual with me and "satisfy me" to keep me safe... Ha!... (we had been down that horrifying road before!) and that would be the end of me for sure! I'd probably be acting out in a week, c"v.

Or, she'd react by deciding we need to remain celibate till the end of time... that wouldn't be very nice either...

"Boruch Hashem" is all I can say. He works things out in ways that may seem insane to me at times, but if I stay sober and keep my brain's mouth shut I soon discover that His way is best. In fact, given a choice at many phases, I never would have recovered this way! Yet here I am as of today! My way got me as sick as I got, and His way is getting me well. That's all I need to know.

Do you think you may have a porn addiction?

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit (Hebrew: / Yiddish:

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit

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