For many years, I tried to beat lust. If only I could figure it out, wrap my head around it, I would be able to control it. Many times, especially after falls or lots of pain, I was sure that I had finally internalized that it was SHEKER, that there was nothing there. I would find a new slogan or frame of mind that would keep me clean for another few weeks but, inevitably, the inspiration would wear off and I’d slip back into small-mindedness, craving, lusting, and acting-out. And that would make me even more depressed because I felt like I must be a bad person. If I had had such clarity about how empty and wrong it was, how could I fall for it again?! This would make me want to give up totally, thinking that my soul must be tainted and evil.

Until finally, one day, I had a deep realization that I will NEVER be able to figure it out. I will NEVER be able to “talk myself out of it” or convince myself how meaningless it is. I am powerless over lust, and I will inevitably keep falling back into it. But that doesn’t mean there’s no hope; exactly the opposite. This realization is actually the foundation of REAL recovery. When we finally admit we can’t, we open ourselves up to a true dependence on the ONE who CAN. We become broken-hearted and turn to Him and say, “Father, I can’t do this. I’ve tried a million times and failed. Please hold my hand and don’t throw me away from you. When I lust, I am useless to myself, to others and to YOU. Please help me, because I know that I can’t do it myself.” It is this very brokenness and needing G-d that actually opens us up finally to His help.

And besides for the fact that He helps us, there’s also a paradigm shift in how we view slips and falls. A slip or fall doesn’t mean we are “bad,” it simply means that we are forgetting how powerless we are over this and how much we need His help. It’s not that we know how wrong it is and do it anyway – proving that we must be bad at the root. Because nothing we can ever “know” will stop us. We are simply forgetting how useless and unmanageable lusting makes our lives and how much we NEED G-d’s help and can’t do it alone.

A slip or fall in the past used to lead to a cycle. If I can’t stay clean, I’m bad and I’ve already lost it, so what the heck. But now it’s totally different. Yes, I had a slip. That’s who I am. I am powerless over this. All it means is that I must have forgotten how bad this is for me. I must be forgetting how much I need Hashem. I must try to remember how this ruins my life and how much I need Hashem’s help to stay clean.

And as soon as I turn to Him again in truth with a broken heart, He right away grasps my hand in His and we continue happily together…

... I remember that very day when I was being asked to choose between the comforts and certainty of active addiction, or choose the great uncertainty of recovery. The foremost thought racing in through my mind at this crossroad of my life, was whether I was one of those people who could live without drugs and alcohol. I was being asked to give up my elixir of life and to find another way. This is all I have ever known! What is the other way? ...

Someone posted on the forum:

"I just fell. I am such a lowlife."

Dov Responded:

Gevalt. How do you know what you are? You don't even know how to stay clean, and yet you say you understand yourself well enough to determine what you are?! I'm still not exactly sure what I am, but I know what to do to stay sober :-)

OK, ok... on a more serious and sensible level, please consider cutting yourself a break. No, not to screw up even more, of course, but to admit the truth about yourself and see your situation for what it really is. Doing that helps most of us accept what we really need to do about it.

Getting depressed about it? Why do that? It would just be a cop-out! Depression leads to nothing but more acting out. Self-pity is nothing but an excuse, in the end, not a healthy surrender. AA says: "Poor me, poor me, Pour me a drink!" (gotta say it to really make it sound right...)

Rather, let yourself take a step back and look at this addict trying to get well. (You are the one who decided you are an addict, not me.) He's a really nice fellow, and trying as much as the next guy to be a good Yid. You've got a lot of good and you've got some troubles, too. Learn something from your frailty and move on to better things! Use the 12-step fellowships, or whatever tools you think are worth a try - to get better!

It is horrible that we need to fail at kedushas ha'Bris so much, but if I am an addict it needs to get proved to me for me to ever get better. The clearer the truth of my inability to win on my own becomes to me, the better my chances that I'll take a firm hold of Recovery. And that's a gift! So, in a certain respect you are very lucky, (in hindsight...)

We fellows are in a load of trouble. Hearing the "Uh oh!" loud and clear is not bad at all - it's a giant bracha. My wife occasionally reminds me that the day I got sober is a more choshuv date to her than the day we got married. Now, that day was the last day I acted out, too! Acting out made it impossible for me to run away from the truth about myself! And as long as I remember the truth about myself in sobriety, I believe Hashem will keep helping me stay sober.

You are a lucky man.

Better than calling yourself names, every time you feel that little meat-grinder inside calling you some type of orifice, substitute the word "addict".

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.