I came to this site by accident, of sorts. Yes, there were several decades of filth and smut in my days, but I always stopped, at least for a week or two, or more. Recovery and lack thereof did not consume my life. I was fine with the pattern. Of course, yamim noraim (mostly), I'd cry and beg and resolve to sin no longer. Some years I even threw in the towel and made a deal with God that I'll do lots of good in other areas and let's just hide this issue in the closet.
But eventually, there was a rock bottom of sorts. That, together with a push, encouragement, threat of exposure from a woman friend of the family (whom I must have been tryin' to flirt with) put me on a course of action. And that action wasn't a snap of the fingers. And it wasn't without heartache and pain. I went 90 days sober (so to speak). I engaged a long distance therapist, a professional who is recommended by GYE. I joined SA in a city an hour away from me. I was there for about eight months. I went to a local therapist/specialist on and off for about two years. I got two sponsors, one Jewish, one not. I joined calls and eventually led calls. I have been workin' the steps in some way or another for several years. I read the big book, white book, action book and 12&12. I am on my sixth cycle. And I post as well, every once in awhile. Talkin' to live people really does wonders. Posts are different when I know the poster and they know me. It makes it more real. (This is an important point to know for anyone who spends time on the forum.) GYE gave me the opportunity to personally meet about 20 fine fellows in real life. I thank each and every one of them for their friendship, advice, suggestions, criticisms, etc. And I have had private and personal conversations with another 30 more or so... And been in touch with many tens of others...
And this, my friends, demonstrates the power of GYE; it creates lastin' friendships, friends who deeply care about one another. Four years ago, I knew none of these fellows and now we are best of friends. And perhaps a couple of them I have helped on their journey, but one thing is certain - each and every one of them helped me on mine. I learned humility from one, commitment from another. Mussar, calmness, faith, prayer, carin', devotion, thoughtfulness, diligence, humor, assertiveness, resolve, confidence and more - are just some of the things that I try to apply in my daily life, and for that, I thank them all.
And I must confess that when a fellow emails, calls, texts, WhatsApps, skypes, bumps into me and says, "Cords, you really saved my life, you truly helped me today, this past year would have been impossible without you, I didn't get that massage because of your text"... yes, it feels good, and my ego makes it feel even better, but it's you guys who deserve the credit. You, who set me straight to begin with, you, who showed me my flaws, you, who convinced me of my egotistical, self-centeredness, you, who paved the way for me, and you as well who gave me the opportunity to give back, to keep me honest, to constantly share life's struggles and mine in particular, so thank you.
To share in the congratulations for Cordnoy, join the party here. |
Still Clean
