My precious child,

I want to wish you a shana tova, a sweet new year, and share with you a few things that I think you need you to know.

When I look at you I see something very different than what you see when you look in the mirror. You see yourself as you are now. But when I look at you I see who you can become. My primary goal is to help you grow from where you are now to where I know you can be.

Sometimes you are already challenging yourself and pushing yourself to become that person that I created you to become. So I just watch, with great nachas, and gently guide you in that direction. I orchestrate the events and experiences of your day-to-day life to ensure the maximum possibility of your achievement of that goal.

Other times, I have to present you with challenges and hurdles in order to convert your potential greatness into actualized excellence. I know that those moments are sometimes painful, but if I don’t challenge you, you will never actualize your potential. Please remember that I am closer to you during those moments than I am at any other time.

I want to tell you about one of my most important employees. He is the V.P. of Human Development. His name is Yetzer Hara, the evil inclination, and he works for me 365 days a year, 24/7. The Yetzer Hara gets a bad rap, but he is really your best friend. If it weren’t for him, you would remain a nobody - forever. I have empowered him to provide you with constant assaults and to approach you with a never ending barrage of creative tactics, but they only come to challenge you to grow and improve yourself. The Yetzer Hara and I have only one goal for each encounter you have with him: we both want you to overpower him and show him what you are made of. Of course, once you do that, I send him back with a more difficult obstacle to overcome, because that’s how you really become great.

Here’s some good advice: Speak to me. Often. And don’t think I only understand Hebrew. I understand every language there is. So speak to me in your own language. And you don’t have to wait to be in a synagogue; speak to me any time of day, no matter what you’re doing – when you’re driving your car, when you’re taking a walk. Speak to me before you go to sleep. And most of all, speak to me on Shabbos. I am always available, and I really am a good listener. In fact, I understand you better than anyone else (even yourself) because you are mine and I made you. So don’t be shy, don’t feel awkward; just pour your heart out to me and I promise I will respond.

Love,
Your Father in Heaven, Who believes in you and loves you unconditionally.

For the first time in many years, I just took some time to learn this afternoon in the Sukkah and just enjoy this mitzvah. I was able to identify with my feelings for the first time in many years.

A reality that I have shared before in many ways:

Forum talk is cheap. That's why it will not work. For some it is y'kar erech - they simply cannot type it out at all...so when they do, it is meaningful and hence brings with it a new level of recovery for them.

But for those who are used to it, it is still hiding behind something: a username (fake). So it no longer works. For them, phone conversations using their real voice is the only way they can really get the truth out in any meaningful way now.

But for those that have been doing that already regularly, hiding behind something else makes it fake for them: the telephone - no face, no real me. They often need to move on to face-to-face meetings. No big deal, really, if it is with another recovering person who admits he is as sick as they are inside. The emails and phone just do not work any more, cuz their honesty and realness have increased. It is a natural process.

And for those who have been doing face-to-face meetings for some time already, the fakeness of hiding behind a fake persona - we all do that to some degree, some more, some less...well, for them, the face-to-face is no longer enough - it too is just too fake. So where to go from there? The answer is simple:

More honesty about our selves is needed. More masks need to be taken off. Painful things about them must eventually be shared - there is no recourse, if they want to remain in recovery. It's just a natural process. Apparently, no change whatsoever happens in us without pain. It's gotta be hard to do, or it's cheap. And easy come, easy go. We are all here for changes that last, for a change.

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I am not pushing you to do anything, at all. All I wanted to say is that in my case (and for many I have heard over the years share in the rooms), pain is needed for success.

But I have never met anyone who got better directly by being forced to admit the truth about themselves to others. I believe that it is the openness that heals, not just saying the truth. Willingly telling is opening up to another - that's where the healing happens, rather than just in sharing the information. This is a very sensitive process, as you point out.

The guys I know who were arrested or caught by others and forced into the room with their other Captain Kirk, never got better from that. They always blamed all their shame on the person who caught them, rather than on their sick or self-destructive behavior. With the passage of time, though, eventually they came around, though. Most have said "thank G-d they caught me, cuz if not, I'd still be out there and miserable," but that's a really hard way to go.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.