I have heard this story of treatment failure from many couples who come in to see me about sex addiction. One partner was discovered to have sexually addictive behavior(s) such as porn addiction, voyeurism, hook-ups, paying for sex etc. After an initial upheaval the couple found help for the addict. The addict went into a program which may have included residential or intensive outpatient treatment, individual therapy, couple counseling, or some combination of these.

This comment was mentioned on our forum, and a member by the name of "Chl" answered powerfully. He writes:

I would like to ask the question the other way round:

1) Where can you find magazines in the open depicting women as meat; on the subway newspaper stand in New York City or in Meah Shearim?

2) What will excite a man more; a woman with a tichel down to her nose, or someone who walks around in the street as if she forgot to put on her dress?

3) Which society is dehumanizing women more; a consumer-oriented, hollywood / top-model-influenced society, or a society who struggles to live a spiritual way of life?

4) Concerning covering ourselves: when does one generally feel the need to cover and protect something; when it is precious, or when it's of little value?

5) Concerning meat: when one goes to the butcher; is the meat covered or uncovered? etc... I talk a lot to "secular" Jews, as well as to non-Jewish people. They mean well. They want to protect and promote the status of women, and that is what truly religious Jews want too. Here are some of the things I tell them:

• Did you know that one of the main sources for everyday life of 17th/18th century life in Europe is the memoir of Glickel von Hameln, a Jewish woman. Now how many women at that time were able to read and write?

• Women are praised in our seforim not just for their sense of modesty, but for their learning and their intelligence, for prophecy and for leadership! Which other culture produced that throughout history, not just in the last 100 years?!

• Which other culture protects women's rights as Judaism does? This includes sexuality:

a) Mitzvas Onah (not just breeding, and not just for a man's lust). Also: A man can't just jump and be with his wife, but has to draw her close, speak to her in a loving way, etc. as the Halacha states.b) During relations, a woman should to be mazria first ideally.c) A man is forbidden to rape, chas veshalom, or otherwise force or demand relations - even from his own wife. (Compare this to some societies where rapists are legally protected and the victim is at fault!)

All the above is just from a legal/halachic perspective. From a more poetic/romantic point of view:

• Knesses Israel is feminine, and we get "married" on Shavuos.

• Shir HaShirim.

• See the beautiful letter of the Ramban about intimacy, and so many beautiful passages in the Zohar haKadosh (all of Kabbalah speaks in terms of the relationship between male and female).

• Shabbos Hamalka.
  

etc...

So we have proof from our history and from our sefarim that Judaism promotes and protects women, just like this JPost "talkbacker" wants to do. Then sometimes they will argue: but I like the way men look at me, I have the right to dress how I want, etc... So I tell them, Ok, but following your logic, you can't have it both ways: on the one hand you want the right for sexual "freedom" when you feel like it, and on the other side you want to prevent it. Judaism, on the other hand, has both: protection/honor of women and a beautiful and exciting intimacy within the context of marriage. From all of this we see that it is the secular society who is not able to maintain the balance. I have yet to meet someone who is able to contradict the above points. But, no society is perfect, including Judaism: There is abuse, R"L. There is anger towards women. There are tremendous mistakes in chinuch in general, and concerning intimacy in particular. And there is a forum like ours to help with all that. We can't fool ourselves... but we have ideals, and we have tools to work towards these ideals, B"H.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.