Member: “You say that when you fall, you fall to go higher, but why does it have to be that way? I'm recognizing a lot that I didn't see before. Yes, I'm in a better place in a way. But why can't it be different? And I don't think it's worth breaking Shabbos and knowing I'll do so at the flick of a finger just to get more clarity. Isn't it better just to stay where you were at?

Why's the fall worth getting to some sense of okay-ness?”

Guard: “Only PAST falls can be used to show us the way forward. NEVER falls in the future. Chas Veshalom!”

M: “I meant, is falling really worth where you get to from it? I don't mean if you choose to fall.

What's the point of it? Isn't it better to just stay at the lower level? Why does your life and Judaism have to be risked to learn to live life in a healthier way? Is there no other way?”

G: “As Jews, we need to look at all our past falls as if they were meant to happen by Hashem. But in the current moment, we must believe that we have the full free choice to decide how we will act. Although this sounds like a paradox, our small minds are simply not able to grasp it. It is one of the great secrets and challenges of Emunah.

You are asking, "Why did Hashem bring me to all these past falls? Wouldn't it have been better to stay on a lower level?" - Well, we have to trust that Hashem knows what He's doing. We can't understand His ways, but evidently He felt you needed to go through the falls as part of His great plan for you. But NOW, you have the free choice to choose how your future will look - ובחרת בחיים!”

Obormottel offered a following parable:

The River

When a river meets a dam, its slow and calm flow is interrupted and maybe even stopped. Nevertheless, should the river persevere and break through, it finds new strengths, of the kind that it was not aware of before. Moreover, the very obstacle, once broken, becomes an integral part of the river’s newfound power, by joining in the river’s flow and adding its weight to it. This is what we mean when we say min hameitzar korosi ko – from the narrowness, from constraints, I reach out to Yud-Hei, the transcendental level of Godliness.

Would you rather be a slow and calm river? Never knowing what your real strengths are, what you are capable of? Never reaching your potential?

Or, would you rather embrace the struggle and be open and curious about what awaits on the other side of the dam, what stones you can turn, what force you contain within your depths?

Miriam is Duvid Chaim’s wife and has more than 10 years experience in the S-Anon and CODA Programs, plus advanced training and education through the International Coach Academy with a focus on helping couples and individuals getting back to basics in their relationships and living life rather than just surviving life.

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Reference #123

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On ******, 2015 4:26:18 PM **********@gmail.com wrote:

... The ladies on GYE are well meaning but I have no good reason for keeping the marriage at this point.

I need their support but I do not understand why they don't get out also.

Do you have guidelines on how to know which help is right for us?

After some advice, intervention and referrals she wrote back today:

From: <**********@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, Dec 22, 2015 at 5:55 PM
Subject: Re: Fresh start

We are moving forward now.

I have agreed to drop the option of divorce for now and hopefully forever. I, we, are going to invest on bettering our marriage and making it a more healthy marriage.

GYE gets a huge thanks for that. Between the women who have been through the pain giving their support and advice on the forum, and the moderators who gave me specific help by email and on the site, there was a big impact.

Tizku Limitzvos

I admit that it is challenging to me when I feel my wife is becoming unattractive, the weight thing, whatever. But I remember that it is all a trap of my addiction to remove all joy from the relationship. I know that this type of thinking is a slippery slope for me, so I need to stay way out of the whole thing and love her and do more things for her (and more, and more, and more actions of love), as I start to think about it more. That is the only medication I know of.

You know, this ain't a Torah source, but I read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" many years ago and it struck a chord with me. Not so much the big point he makes about men and women thinking entirely differently, but the idea of how we react in different - and often unexpected - ways to each others' signals and behavior.

But knowledge wasn't enough for me... It took a lot for me to agree to start communicating to her in her way, for a change, instead of davka my way. Before my long fall and subsequent recovery, it was probably impossible...

It takes a lot of surrender of ego for me to regularly use her "currency" in the relationship, such as: sharing the load of the kids and responsibilities, being on time, being happy rather than so serious and deep, being able to be near her and close without necessarily being sexual, and taking actions of love (giving of any kind without expectations of getting anything in return). My "currency" in the relationship on the other hand, is naturally, well, you can guess what it is... But I'm getting better though, b"H!

It's a slow, slow process but well worth it. When real life happens, it is surely entirely different if you know what love is and are really together with someone, not a fantasy. But it can't happen as long as I'm demanding.

It says in Koheles (more or less):

"s'mach im ha'isha she'ahavta. Ki hoo chelkecha mei'elokim bechayei hevlecha -be happy/satisfied (see Twerski on "simcha" in his book "Let us Make Man") with the woman you love, for that is your portion in this hollow life."

Shouldn't he have written "for she is your portion"? What is "that"?

I think "that" is referring to "the relationship" - which must become something much bigger than either spouse. To heck with me, it's all about what we create together by giving. (This attitude may have been the only thing that got me and my wife through my horrible early recovery).

I really hope this helps somebody, cuz I'm dumping out personal, mushy stuff here, and GYE isn't offering me a raise at all.... :-)

Someone responded on the forum:

The stuff about the weight, I hear you 100%... us addicts have a one track mind and that track can only lead to bad places, I get that... but all this stuff about "true love" between a husband and wife actually existing entirely outside of any physical attraction, based completely upon this closeness and togetherness.. I don't know, bro, I don't know...

Dov Responds:

I don't know either. Inside, I know that I really don't know. I'm not there yet, just tasting it and sharing it with you. The point is, that we grow in that direction, not that we are there. I have found that even a little taste of a true perspective coming from inside of me, changes the entire ball game - a little bit.

Nu, it ain't much, but it's great anyway!

STEP ONE: IDENTIFY THE ROUTINE

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.