1. Realize the effect masturbating has. This will be different for every person.

For me, immediately I’m high, drunk, lost inside myself. Self-pleasure is mine, mine, mine. It leads me to sexualise every person that crosses my path. No longer are they human, they’re walking god’s, there to please me. That thinking leads me to feel so disconnected from the world. I end up with even more pain (which I only know how to deal with in one way). However good it felt in the moment means nothing when the next day I’m bashing myself for losing it yet again. I feel two-faced, lying to the world. I realize what acting out does to me. I cannot afford to go back to that place because it will lead me to dangerous acts, eventually with my life on the line.

2. TaPHSiC method

This comes BEFORE acting out. It’s a preventative action. Alone, it is not enough to stop me acting out, but it definitely makes it that much harder to fall; knowing the price probably isn’t worth the few seconds of climaxing. Read more about it here, it just might be what works for you. On similar lines, making a list of things that I would try and keeping it on hand with a commitment to try some before acting out has been super helpful for me. (I have a list if you want!!)

3. Commit to 24 hours

We’re not talking about a lifetime. We’re not even talking about a week. We’re talking 24 hours. That’s it. Afterwards, there is no certainty. I may even end up acting out. But I can hold off for 24. Every day I have to recommit. It’s one of the most helpful things that gets me through.

4. Recognize triggers, followed by action.

Triggers for me include being hungry, angry, lonely or afraid (or plain bored!). There are many actions I have to take in order to stay sober. Mostly it’s about doing something different. When under attack, I have to cross roads, look away, keep my hands occupied, take cold showers, get out of bed (even if it’s the middle of the night), call someone, squeeze a pillow, go for a run, anything to get myself out of that moment. Once I’ve changed my actions, the power the desire has over me is significantly weakened. It’s hard, but almost foolproof.

5. Daven

I ask Hashem to take away the lies I tell myself; that I can start and don’t have to finish, that just one time won't make a difference, it’s not against the Torah, everybody does it, I’ll still be ok when I’m married, I’ll stop next time… Only a power that is greater than yourself can take away those plaguing thoughts. I find that I cannot obsess and pray at the same time so I open my mouth to G-d. Hashem is the source of all pleasure, good, love and warmth. He can give me what I’m looking for in masturbation. I have to let Him in. It works!

Hope this helps.

Good luck

Someone, whom we convinced to join the 12-Step groups, sent us an e-mail recently:

I've had good groups of days, but the big picture is still horrible. I truly hope and am optimistic that one day I will climb out and help others too, but as of today it seems everyone is pulling out but me, I am desperate, I cry to hashem 24/7, I feel so close to him sometimes, yet 10 minutes later I'm surfing porn again.

I am in the process of figuring out steps 1,2 & 3, maybe you can enlighten me.

B"H, a recovering drunk (his name is Sandy Beach. Really! :-) taught me that in sobriety he eventually came to see that his real problem actually isn't drinking. His actual living problem is - sobriety! Living sober "really drives him to drink"! :-) Yup.

Through his struggles and by working his steps, he discovered this. He found out that he simply didn't have the tools he needed in order to just live. It was just too hard, too painful, too scary, too whatever (see your own 4th step for further details...).

I feel the same way. The 12 steps - not "the 12 steps" as an entity at all, but the work I did/do using them - gives me the ability to live the life that Hashem gives me today, without lusting and acting out, same as it did for that alkie. Otherwise I'd be out there and dead by now.

I believe that if I sit back now and rely on whatever I tried to use before, I'd be failing again, just like before. Anyway, I stopped running when I realized I have no one to run from but myself, and running from me wouldn't work anyway, because the addiction would kill (the running) me first...

As it turns out, I think the last "entity" for me to ever, ever be afraid of is: Hashem. I hope I'll never be so confused as to become afraid of Hashem, c"v. Of course, by "afraid", I mean being afraid of Him because of what He may do to me (as opposed to Yiras Hromemus - fear of His Awesomeness). While such an understanding of yir'as Shomayim and Hashem (fear of what he may do to me) in general may work for some yidden (who knows?), it doesn't work for me at all, so I don't use it.

Love ya,
Dov

Listen to Rabbi Abraham Twerski, who is a world expert on addictions, answer the question at this link (32 minutes and 12 seconds into the talk).

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.