Special Issue for Spouses
 
 
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1307  
 
 
In Today's Issue
   
Links: Spouses of Addicts, help is available!
Image of the Day
Q & A: What are My Choices?
Daily Dose of Dov: Taking Actions of Love
 
 
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We have recently received an e-mail from a frustrated spouse. Here's an exerpt:

"... The situation is getting from worse to terrible. These days, my husband doesn't only look at women, but he also tries chatting them up, even when we are together. He jokes around with them and has even made a couple of inappropriate comments.

I don't know what I have done to deserve this!

I'm tall with an amazing figure, and I always make sure to look stunning for him (and tznius). Am I not good enough for him?? I once asked him, "If I walked around one holiday with you in a very immodest way, would you only look at me!?" He replied, "I would be looking at you and all the other women around." I asked him to explain himself, and he said men always want new things!!! 

I think we need to see a marriage counselor, do you know a good one that can help us with these issues? Also an affordable one since I had a baby a few moths ago and I am not currently working and my husbands in kollel!"

Frustrated Spouse.

Needless to say, our heart goes out to you, Frustrated. Yes, you do need help. No, you can't drag your husband to therapy and expect him to change. Marriage counselors don't have magic pills. If he is not willing to even consider that his behavior is problematic, your nagging/dragging/begging and other "ing's" won't do a thing.

But you need and deserve help and support. That's why GYE has a section dedicated solely to helping women (and even some men) in your situation.

Click below to lean more.

Spouses of Addicts, help is available!

Note: Spouses who are addicts! We do not recommend that you secretly sign up your wife (or husband) to recieve our free services!

Have an open and honest conversation instead. Our spouses need help, and it is available. But just like they could never drag us into recovery, neither can we do this for them.

You may also suggest (SUGGEST!) that your spouse checks out S-Anon or CODA, which are 12-step fellowships for those whose loved ones struggle with an adiction.

Image of the Day
 
Q & A
 
What are My Choices?
 
As the spouse of a sex addict, what are my choices?
 
By the.guard

Being in a relationship with a sex addict does bring up the question of do I stay or leave? These questions are legitimate. In this exercise, I want to expose you to some options you may or may not have thought of before.

1. Stay and stay sick - This option is taken by those who do not desire change or grow. Familiar, no matter how bad, is better than different, no matter how good. Those who take this option rarely consider what is familiar today will be a walk in the park compared to his continuing disease.

2. Stay and be uninvolved - It is his problem; he needs to recover; and, I don’t want or need to know anything.

3. Stay and be overinvolved - Tell him what to read, what therapist to see, what groups to go to and you’re putting more energy into his recovery than he is.

4. Stay and both recover - Both work their own recovery program. Both have support people,both work the steps, and, if therapy is needed for the marriage or either or both, they get it as soon as possible. This option has the highest success rate of couples staying married and having real intimacy.

5. Stay conditionally - State the boundaries or conditions you will stay in during the relationship. If these boundaries are violated or conditions not met, separate from each other until these conditions are met.

6. Divorce - Get a lawyer and leave.

The above are real choices that many women have already had to make. This choice is yours to make. This choice affects the rest of you and your family’s life. Give yourself time to think through this, and, if you need professional help with this, Miriam has seen many women through the choices they made. Discuss the choice from the above (or your own) options with your recovery group or coach.

Daily Dose of Dov
 
Taking Actions of Love
 
By Dov

When my wife and I started communicating more directly and clearly about this stuff, things really started getting better. Pressures and resentments were reduced significantly, and we were - and are - both happier, b"H. It took a few bouts of this "pain, then calm, then more pain and finally communication" thing, till things really got much, much better.

However, without at least some sobriety and sanity, it is really difficult for any relatively sane wife to communicate at all with a whacked-out, entitlement-ridden and self-pitying husband, especially if he doesn't even know if he can trust himself yet, at all!

She's gotta know that you are really there for her. Taking actions of love over a year or two may be needed in order to make any progress here, first.

"A YEAR OR TWO??!!" ... yeah, I know, it's a long time, but things start to get better quickly, and guess what? IT'S WORTH IT!!

So, first things first, I say.... Lot's of sechel, patience and especially love is needed, no matter how you slice it.

 

A Teffilah, by Dov:

May Hashem who brought us this far, show us all Rachamim and chasadim megulim today, so that we can be more useful to others. Of all who know our difficulties, it's You who know them from the inside, and really care all the way, after all. Help us all know how much You care about us - and for us - this very day. Help us stay sober today so that others who struggle with sobriety and sanity may know that they have a chance, too. It's so nice to know that we share the same Best Eternal Friend of all, and can really depend on You. We are proud members of Your club, Hashem! Even though we are not patient with You, thanks for everything - especially for your patience with us. Amein.

Do you think you may have a porn addiction?
 

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

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