Thursday, 12 January 2012

To the Point of Survival

by Dov (See all authors)

Hashem does not tell me anywhere in the Torah not to be an addict! Yes, He does tell me not to look at shmutz, mz"l, stare at women, etc. But my addiction is not the aveiro itself.

My addiction - the only thing I actually need to be free of today - is the predictable attachment I have to lust, and is expressed in an obsessive, searching hunger for shmutz and fantasy, relations and hz"l, and other closely related behaviors.

The fact that I do these aveiros, is not my motivation for stopping, and may never be. It never worked before - why would I believe that it'd work now - even after ten or more years sober?

Rather, the only motive that was actually successful at 'getting me' to stop and seek the help I really needed was that I admitted that my obsession was actually making my life impossible. Till then, I would always have - and would always c ontinue to have - excuses to continue my aveiros and obsession. Excuses like:

1- It's too strong for me, so it's got to be OK, somehow;

2- I am so upset I am not married yet, so I'd better do this than a, b, or c with x, y, or z;

3- She/He/they/G-d treats me so incredibly poorly that I deserve a little relief;

4- I am absolutely sure that this is the only way I could possibly ever be and remain happy. Doesn't Hashem, who loves me so much, want me to be happy?

5- I'll quit tomorrow/next month/by the time I am 50;

6- I'll start doing the aveiros less often and that proves I am better....etc,

I cannot rely on the Torah to save me. I need to rely on my own values. If I need to come to the point that survival is in question, it will not be pretty, but for many of us (maybe not all), that is just what is required.