Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Sober For Ourselves, Not Our Wives

To someone who was having major marriage issues as a result of his addiction and was considering to go for therapy,

by Dov (See all authors)

As far as getting a good shrink, I would do a good week's research on that one if I were you, before committing. Get someone who is experienced with sexual addictions more than someone experienced with Marriage Issues - you can always work out the marriage stuff after you get your head screwed on straighter, and your wife will come to a much healthier acceptance of you and your garbage that way. Going the marriage-focused route has a better chance of keeping the entire issue you have as one that is between you and her - and it has nothing whatsoever to do with your wife. Yes, it has a lot to do with your emotional relationship with her - but the thing that scares me most here, is someone trying to solve their addiction insanity by way of getting a better relationship with their wife. I believe that would backfire because we need independence. We need to be sober for ourselves , not for our wives . And from a frum point of view, perhaps for G-d...

I am fine with doing it "for G-d", but approaching it that way from the very start is fraught with it's own garbage, cuz if we were really that concerned about what G-d wants, we'd never have gotten so screwed up in the first place! Pretending we really have G-d and are 'good' doesn't make it so, and I didn't get very far that way.

You may hear things like "do t'shuvah now, quick! It's Rosh Hashanah soon! It's the perfect time!" from the people who insist on seeing this whole issue as a religious and moral failing and who want to 'fix' everyone. Good luck to 'em. To me, that's silly. The time for sobriety and today's recovery is always now - today - no matter what day it is, and it takes time - like growing up always does... It doesn't go by any 'calendar'.

PS. To me, this post by "jooboy" (to someone having marriage issues) was gorgeous. He wrote:

It seems your real issue is not "what to tell her", but what are you going to do about your problem? If you get help for yourself everything else will fall into place. If you don't get help for your problem, nothing you tell her will make any difference at all.

I relate very much to your situation. When my wife discovered my porn issue she was devastated and so was I (that she found out). I spent a few years trying to control the damage and maker her be OK with me. It didn't work so great. Now I'm spending my time trying to fix 'me' and trying to let go of what she thinks, and overall the 2nd method is working much better.