Sunday, 12 February 2012

Priorities

by Dov (See all authors)

As an addict, my life was basically taken over by lust. My life was in the toilet. and that means that so was my davening and learning. Not a nice place for those things, right? Getting clean is simply the #1 priority for an addict. Nothing else really matters. No, my learning and davening did not stop (what kind of a yid doesn't learn or daven at all?) But I made changes in them to try and focus them on gaining sanity and sobriety. Any person with a severe disease understands this, I think. The refuah you desperately need takes over your entire life, plain and simple. And the main thing I needed, especially early on, was getting out of my head and letting go of self-concern whenever possible. That can only be done by doing for others without thoughts of repayment of any kind.

I am sure I made many mistakes along the way (may Hashem protect me and forgive me for any I make today!) and I will screw up at times in the future, but we keep our eye on the prize, that's all: Priorities. For some people, getting clean is not a question of lichatchila or bidi'eved - it is really pikuach nefesh.

When I was finally tired of living my own life in my own cave, I started asking Him to help me start living His life.

It bothers me a bit when some folks act as though they have to be on a high madreiga to recover, since recovery is based on giving your life to Hashem. I don't believe that approach would work for me. "Living His life", "being with Hashem", and "giving myself and my struggles to Him" does not necessarily mean that we are becoming kedoshim, in the traditional sense. But it does mean that we are going in that direction. Now, maybe I am wrong, but I prefer to be wrong then, 'cuz this attitude is working for me so far, thank G-d. The ultimate truth is none of my business. Reconciling my "Hashkafah" never got me anywhere but deeper into my gehinom!

It's strange how - as frum addicts - we can be doing the "frum things" while being on the down elevator. The stuff we do must slowly change to have a completely different flavor in recovery, b'ezras Hashem.