Thursday, 09 February 2012

My Real Problem is Sobriety

by Dov (See all authors)

B"H, a recovering drunk (his name is Sandy Beach. Really! :-) taught me that in sobriety he eventually came to see that his real problem actually isn't drinking. His actual living problem is - sobriety! Living sober "really drives him to drink"! :-) Yup.

Through his struggles and by working his steps, he discovered this. He found out that he simply didn't have the tools he needed in order to just live. It was just too hard, too painful, too scary, too whatever (see your own 4th step for further details...).

I feel the same way. The 12 steps - not "the 12 steps" as an entity at all, but the work I did/do using them - gives me the ability to live the life that Hashem gives me today, without lusting and acting out, same as it did for that alkie. Otherwise I'd be out there and dead by now.

I believe that if I sit back now and rely on whatever I tried to use before, I'd be failing again, just like before. Anyway, I stopped running when I realized I have no one to run from but myself, and running from me wouldn't work anyway, because the addiction would kill (the running) me first...

As it turns out, I think the last "entity" for me to ever, ever be afraid of is: Hashem. I hope I'll never be so confused as to become afraid of Hashem, c"v. Of course, by "afraid", I mean being afraid of Him because of what He may do to me (as opposed to Yiras Hromemus - fear of His Awesomeness). While such an understanding of yir'as Shomayim and Hashem (fear of what he may do to me) in general may work for some yidden (who knows?), it doesn't work for me at all, so I don't use it.

Love ya,
Dov