First, thanks for lighting up my life and for showing me that I am not the only one with this nisayon and there's a beautiful shining hope!
I had such an intense experience this Yom Kippur, and I feel the need to shout from the rooftops that Hashem loves all of us so very much, and we all deserve His love. Here's an email I sent to two of my sisters on motzei Yom Kippur:
“B’H, the fast was so much better than expected! I need to share with you this powerful experience I had last night, because you really know and understand where I'm coming from. After Kol Nidrei and Maariv, I started davening in my own words, which always works the best. I just said whatever was in my heart, without stopping to think or censor (in Yiddish, of course): ‘Hashem, I want to know You better. I know you're not a scary Basheffer Who doesn't like women [an attitude passed down from our personality-disordered, abused-as-a-child father], I know that You're here right now, and You're listening to what I'm saying. You love me. You do! You love me." And guys, it hit me with such a stunning clarity how even if I know in my mind that Hashem is an Av Harachamon and He loves us all unconditionally, my heart still hasn't caught up all the way, and deep down I still feel unworthy of this. But last night was healing. I couldn't stop repeating "Du hust mich leeb," and I cried from such a deep place. It was cathartic. Baruch Hashem.”
All of us on GYE should feel so worthy of His love, all the time!